


the uprooting of the universe

by akc



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Character Study, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Persona 5: The Royal, Road Trips, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, a healthy amount of pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 94,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25206211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akc/pseuds/akc
Summary: Five years after the Phantom Thieves disband, Akechi Goro once again finds himself as a part of Amamiya Ren's life. He entangles himself in Ren's charm, in his kindness, and in his naive nature and finds himself growing closer and closer to him, almost impossibly so.And soon enough—they go on a road trip together, and the world blooms.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira
Comments: 147
Kudos: 562
Collections: Marigolds Discord Recs





	1. when i was done dying

**Author's Note:**

> first and foremost, this fic is about akechi goro and amamiya ren. it is also about a road trip, and it is also about compassion. it is set post-p5r.
> 
> I'm really excited and happy to be writing for p5 again; I almost didn't play p5r, but then I did, and here we are. :-)

Today is Akechi Goro’s twenty-fourth birthday.

As far as birthdays go, today has been a pretty good one. He went to the museum today—for work—and a whole group of colleagues brought in a cake for him. It was a rich, deep chocolate flavor, and Goro was quite pleased by it. Not only that, but they also all signed a massive birthday card and gave it to him. 

All-in-all, that’s a recipe for a pretty good birthday. Goro hasn’t celebrated many of his birthdays; in fact, he could probably count the amount of times he’s done so on one of his hands. And that’s not supposed to be some tragic thing, it’s simply a _that’s just how it is_ thing. 

Goro doesn’t mind not having birthdays. He doesn’t. A birthday is just attention being given to something that he feels doesn’t need to be given a lot of attention. He’s content keeping his birthday to himself because this is how it’s been for him his entire life. 

Of course, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t grateful to his work friends for throwing him a small little party. Goro thinks that the teenager version of himself would have revelled in this sort of thing—he was always so desperate for attention, so desperate to be validated and loved and treated specially. He still harbors some of those desires today, he supposes—but to a much lesser extent than before. 

There’s a question that Goro has frequently been asking himself on his birthday as of late: _am I happy?_

Time and time again the answer is, with absolute certainty, _no._ He isn’t happy. Goro isn’t sure whether or not he’s ever been happy, quite truthfully, and it doesn’t seem to want to change for him even now as an adult. But there also doesn’t seem to be anything that he can do about it—for as much as Goro really, truly wants to be happy, the opportunity of happiness just never seems to want to present itself to him.

It’s fine.

Happy or not, Goro is managing. He wakes up every single morning and manages to pull himself out of bed despite never really wanting to. He hauls himself outside and to the train station and to the museum. He works his shift adeptly and smiles at the museum patrons and waves and speaks to the children about the sculptures and paintings in a way that makes them actually interested in the subject manner. And then, at the end of the day, he goes home and eats and showers and throws himself into bed to repeat the process endlessly.

Things could be a lot worse.

He could be irresponsible with himself. Goro could have given up years and years ago, he knows this—but he didn’t, somehow. He went to college and now he has a job and soon he’ll have an internship as being a museum archivist’s assistant and then he’ll eventually have a _real_ , full time job as a museum archivist and everything will be great. Everything will be great! Probably.

Goro wishes that everything didn’t have to feel like a chore.

But! No matter. Today is his birthday, and so he wants to think about those sorts of things as little as possible. All Goro wants to think about right now is the box of popsicles he’s going to buy himself on his way home. A little treat all for himself.

It’s pretty late already, he notes as he steps into the station platform, waiting for his train to arrive. And despite how late it is, the weather is still absolutely relentless, showing nearly no signs at all of cooling down even slightly. Goro fans himself inside the hot station using his comically large birthday card.

At least the station isn’t too crowded right now. When Goro’s train slides itself into the station, he quickly hops onto it and presses his body against one of the support poles in order to distance himself from everybody else nearby. At the end of the day, Goro doesn’t particularly want to talk to anybody—he’d rather stick to himself and sulk instead. Not a very productive thing to do, but Goro thinks he should be able to indulge himself how he pleases every now and then.

The train ride is a short one, and to busy himself, Goro rereads his birthday card. _Akechi-kun!_ it reads. _Happy birthday! You’re really getting old, huh? Might want to invest in some anti-wrinkle cream soon. Haha, kidding, of course. We all love you and hope today is a good one._

It’s a sweet card. Goro thinks that he’s pretty lucky to get along as well as he does with his work friends and with his advisors, too. It’s taken years of pain and work, but—he’s finally started transforming his life into something that he wants it to be. 

It’s frustrating, though. Because after being controlled for so, so long, part of Goro feels like he is still somehow being controlled. It’s an irrational fear that he can’t seem to get rid of, but it’s a fear nonetheless.

Eventually the train arrives at the station again and Goro exits outside. Orange and pink and purple fill the sky—the sunset today looks particularly beautiful, like it’s something directly out of a picture book. He takes a few moments to stare at the sky and admire it, silently, before continuing his trek to the grocery store. 

It’s a short walk to the grocery store, and Goro makes it even shorter by walking faster than he usually does. When he steps inside and feels the nice, cool air conditioning on his face, he can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. He gives himself a moment to collect himself before he goes to seek out his popsicles.

Ah, but first: he needs some dinner. Goro has never been great at cooking, and he hasn’t really improved much at all since being a teenager, so he continues to eat television dinners and takeout and simple things. Today he wants sushi, he thinks, so he heads on over to the meal section of the store and picks out two containers (he gets more than one because it’s his birthday, he’s decided). 

Now it’s popsicle time.

Goro turns the corner down the aisle he’s currently in and steps in front of the freezer section where all the popsicles and ice cream are. He’s about to open up the door in front of him to get his popsicles when suddenly, another hand reaches out and opens it up instead.

“Oh, sorry, were you about to get something from—holy shit.”

Goro freezes completely. He’d recognize that voice just about anywhere—that intonation, the sound of it, the small gasp at the end of the sentence.

Goro turns, slowly, in the direction of the voice and finds himself staring directly at Amamiya Ren. 

“Holy shit,” Ren says again, and then a third time: “Holy shit.”  
  
Goro is frowning already, which is funny. “Can’t you say anything else?” 

“My reaction is completely fair.” Ren crosses his arms over his chest. “Holy shit. Is that really you, Goro?”  
  
“Unfortunately it does seem to definitely be me,” Goro says through semi-gritted teeth. Time is moving at an indescribably warped rate right now, and Goro feels as though all of the air has been vacuum-sucked out of his lungs. His legs won’t move. His arms won’t move. There is nothing that he can do but confront the scene unfolding in front of him.

“I can’t believe it. Holy shit. I know that I keep saying that, but I—” Ren pauses, and then looks up and down the aisle they’re in before continuing with a whisper. “I thought that you were really dead. It took me so long to come to terms with the fact that you were dead, and yet—”  
  
“—and yet I’m not,” Goro finishes for him. “Interesting, isn’t it? It isn’t often that human beings receive a third chance at life, but it seems as though I qualified for one of those.”   
  
“Yeah, clearly. Why didn’t you come and find me? You know where Leblanc is. You could have sent a letter there, even. Anything that would have let me know you were still alive.”   
  
Goro purses his lips together. He doesn’t… particularly want to talk about this in a grocery store, but it seems as though Ren isn’t offering him any other options right now. “I thought that it might have been better for you to never see me again.”

“Wh—what? _Why?_ Why would you think that?”

“Because!” Goro shouts, and he nearly smacks a hand across his mouth because _whoops,_ that certainly was loud. “Because. I’ve done nothing but cause problems for you. You don’t deserve to have to deal with someone who causes so many issues.”

Ren rubs his forehead with his palm furiously, clearly frustrated. “Okay, no. That’s… that’s not how this works. In case you didn’t realize, if it weren’t for you, none of us would have been able to stop Maruki from—”  
  
“None of that matters. I still caused you problems. I still caused you pain. I left you and your friends alone so that you would be able to move on from me and forget me. That was the plan, at least.”

“I—” Ren sighs, heavily and heartily, as if exasperated after talking to a young child. “Akech—Goro. Would you please… spare me fifteen minutes of your time to talk about this with me? Please? Right now? We can sit outside. I’ll buy whatever it is you were going to buy for you as long as you just let me talk to you for a little while.”

Tempting. Goro really wishes that he could turn back time right now because he doesn’t want to deal with this right now, doesn’t want to deal with this ever—he wasn’t supposed to re-enter Ren’s life, he wasn’t supposed to see Ren ever again. But turning back time is _impossible,_ and now Ren is right in front of him, and Goro has to deal with it. 

Like it or not, his life has been changed yet again by this man. He should have forgone the popsicles.

“Fine,” he says, because at this point there’s nothing else he can do. And besides, Ren is looking at him with these great, big, terrible puppy-dog eyes, practically pleading for Goro to talk to him. “Fine, we can talk.”

As much as Goro is trying to convince himself that he no longer has a weakness for Ren, the universe is dead set on proving him otherwise.

“You’re the best,” Ren says, and then he pulls the door to the freezer section open and gestures at the content inside.

“I was going to buy popsicles,” Goro starts to say, impossibly slowly, “but they’ll melt if we sit outside and talk.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s true. Can’t we just go to your house instead? Er, apartment?”

Goro puts on a face that can only be described as a deadpan _._ He stares at Ren, blinking emptily. “Did you just invite yourself over to my apartment?”

“I—oh god, it definitely sounds like I did. I didn’t mean to do that, though, I just—it was more like a suggestion—”  
  
“It’s fine, whatever,” Goro mumbles, and he doesn’t know why he’s saying this because it _isn’t_ fine and he’s _supposed_ to be distancing himself from Ren, not inadvertently inviting him over to his apartment after reuniting for five minutes in the freezer section of a grocery store. He just can’t seem to help himself, though. 

Goro has always been absolutely enraptured by Ren’s charm. It’s a special kind of charm that he just doesn’t really see anywhere else; it’s a charm that he’s built entirely off of being genuine and real to people, which is the complete opposite of Goro’s charm. Thinking about it this way, one might find that Ren and Goro are the least compatible people in the world for each other. After all, they do seem to be on two sides of the same coin.

And yet they _are_ compatible. Their opposite nature of one another is exactly the thing that draws Goro to Ren. 

“So,” Ren tries, “does that mean I’m going to your apartment?”

It would certainly seem like that’s going to happen. “Sure.” Goro feels like he’s giving in way too easily. “Sure, fine. Come with me to my apartment.”  
  
Ren makes a sort of strangled, excited sounding noise, and then Goro hands over his sushi and picks out a box of popsicles and walks up with Ren to the register. He’s having a hard time processing all of this as a real thing—how could he possibly be standing in line with Ren of all people at the grocery store? Today? On his twenty-fourth birthday?   
  
It just doesn’t seem real. 

“Here you go,” Ren says, practically shoving a plastic bag into Goro’s hands. He accepts it with a sigh and exits the grocery store, not waiting for Ren. He can tell that he’s eagerly following him, though, because of the scurrying footstep noises. 

“You could at least wait up for me,” Ren calls from behind. He does a little jog to catch up with Goro and places a hand on his shoulder once he’s directly behind him. The touch causes Goro to flinch—hard. His entire body practically jerks itself to the side, and Ren removes his hand in an instant. “Sorry,” he mumbles.

“It’s fine, you just startled me,” Goro lies, and oh, it felt so strange to feel Ren’s hand on his shoulder. So strange that Goro doesn’t want to think about it. Instead he’s simply going to focus all of his thoughts on these popsicles and the promise of eventually being able to sit down and eat them. 

A long beat of silence passes by, interrupted by nothing save for the sounds of their shoes smacking against the blacktop, and then all at once Ren is speaking again. “I didn’t know that you lived in Ogikubo,” he says. “This is pretty far from where I live.”  
  
“Is it? Then what are you doing here in the first place?”

“Funny story, actually. Yusuke—he’s my roommate now, by the way—wanted me to look for a very specific kind of ice cream on my way home. I’ve been to like, seventeen different stores now and haven’t been able to find it so I’m starting to think that he just made it up as an excuse to get me out of the house.” Ren sighs. “Oh well, I guess.”

“Will he be okay with you coming home empty-handed?” Goro asks, raising an eyebrow.

“It’ll probably be fine.” He shrugs. “I’ll just order it online or something if he wants it that bad.”

“Hm, well. Good luck with that.” Goro sighs quietly, opening up the door to his apartment complex and holding it for Ren, who smiles widely as he walks through.

“Thanks,” Ren says. “This is a pretty nice building.”

“Is it? You’re only standing in the lobby, there isn’t anything really impressive about that.” 

Ren throws his hands up into the air and then drops them down to his sides, appearing slightly exasperated. “Well then… show me your apartment!”

“I’m working on that,” Goro grits, smacking his fist against the elevator up button. The door immediately opens up and he steps inside, still not waiting for Ren. The ride up to Goro’s floor is completely silent, and the two of them stand on the very opposite ends of the elevator. Doing this is very unnecessary, but there is absolutely no way that Goro is going to move, so they’ll have to continue acting like fools.

The elevator dings and arrives at Goro’s floor, and the two of them exit and head down the hall, Goro leading the way. They arrive at a completely unsuspecting door, and he swipes his card and punches the code to unlock the door before kicking it open with the bottom of his foot.

“Welcome,” Goro starts to say, unnecessarily. “Would you like anything to eat?”

“I’ll have one of your popsicles, if you don’t mind,” Ren says, pulling his shoes off and standing awkwardly. “Why did you want to buy popsicles, anyway?”

Goro purses his lips for a moment, unsure whether or not he wants to answer honestly. There’s no real harm in Ren knowing that today is his birthday, but… at the same time, he doesn’t want him to make a big deal out of it. “It’s because today is my birthday,” he decides to say, figuring it would be bad to make a habit out of being dishonest. 

“Oh—wait, really?” Ren’s eyes are wide as he sits himself down at Goro’s kitchen table. “Are you joking?”

“I’m not joking.” Goro frowns to himself as he puts away his sushi. “I’m twenty four now.”

“That’s weird to hear you say,” Ren admits, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s… it sure has been a while, hasn’t it?”

Goro sighs for about the four thousandth time this evening and starts tearing open the box of popsicles. “It has,” he says, walking over to the table and sitting down. After a moment Ren joins him, sitting at the seat across from him. Goro hands over one of the popsicles and Ren takes it immediately, inspecting it a little bit before tasting it. “I’ve changed a lot during that time.”

“Have you?” Ren tilts his head slightly, curious. “How so?”

“I don’t know. I’m… I suppose I’m just more mature now, compared to how I used to be. More realistic.”

“You were already a pretty mature and realistic person before, no offense.”

“I may have been like that to you, but to me, my behavior was completely ridiculous.” Goro takes a bite out of his popsicle, keeping his eyes trained on Ren. “I was… asinine.”

“Either way, you were still the most mature out of everyone in my friend group. Excluding Makoto, maybe, but she’s about the only person. Also, I’m not really sure if it’s fair to call your behavior asinine when you spent most of your teenage years being controlled by—”

“I know,” Goro interrupts, jaw hard like limestone, “what happened to me, thank you. You don’t have to repeat it to me. I spend enough time agonizing over the fact that I’ve wasted half of my life away being used by adults.”

“I didn’t mean—ugh. Sorry, sorry. I know that you know. I guess I just wanted to tell you that your behavior was… understandable, in the end.”

That’s interesting. Goro has always been somewhat curious, truthfully, as to what Ren thinks about the whole _traitor-while-also-being-controlled-endlessly-by-Shido_ thing, but never had the mind to ask because it would make for awkward conversation. Now that they’ve put some distance between one another, though… perhaps this might be a good opportunity to talk about it.

No, wait—what is Goro _thinking?_ They shouldn’t talk about that. What is happening? Ren is in his apartment. Ren is eating one of his popsicles. Ren is in front of him, breathing, real, not a fake, not haunting him anymore, he’s really right here and Goro is— 

—he doesn’t know what to do. 

“I appreciate the sentiment,” he decides to say, crossing one leg over the other underneath the table. “I’m not sure how many people would agree with you, but it’s nice to hear regardless.”

“I’m uh… you can always talk to me about that stuff, if you need to. I’ll… listen. I know how hard it is to find adequate support for the stuff that you—that we—went through, so… yeah. I’m here if you need it.”

“Oh, how thoughtful of you,” Goro says, and his mouth is transfixing itself into a sneer. “Truly. You’re right—it is difficult to find adequate support for the things I went through. It’s not every day that you find a therapist whose speciality is consoling young adults who spent the majority of their teenage years being manipulated and controlled into killing people, is it? Especially in the context of using _personas._ ”

Ren purses his lips for a moment, staring Goro down relentlessly. It makes Goro want to avert his eyes away, but that would mean that he’d be giving in—and he doesn’t want to do that just yet. “I suppose not,” Ren finally says, licking his lips.

“I—I apologize. I know that you’re only trying to be nice. I’m just a little bit… impatient these days.”

“It’s fine.” Ren waves a hand dismissively. “You’re fine. Does this mean that you haven’t gotten, er… any help at all, though? You’ve just been suffering on your own?”  
  
“I don’t know if I would call it suffering,” Goro mumbles, leaning on his hand. “I do have some support, technically. My colleagues from work are always a great group of people to be around, even if they know next to nothing about… my past. That’s fine, though; I would honestly prefer for it to stay that way. I’m not exactly ready to get out there and share such sensitive and potentially harrowing information to people who see me as a good influence.”

“Right.”

“And anyway—I’m doing fine, honestly.” Goro pauses for a moment. He isn’t sure that he believes his own words. “Much better than I used to be doing, at the very least. What about you, though? How have you been doing?”

Goro is feeling much more comfortable with this conversation now that they’ve sunk into it a little bit. He’s feeling much better about his accidental reunion with Ren in general—he still isn’t too pleased that it took him by surprise in the grocery store of all places, but he isn’t… _upset_ anymore. And besides, it’s not like he has to spend the rest of his days with Ren. He can spend his time however he likes, with or without Ren. Although, admittedly, even spending time with him right now is bringing back a lot of feelings that Goro forgot he had— 

He takes a deep breath. Now is not the time to think about feelings and emotions. Now is the time to talk to Ren. Feelings and emotions can be dealt with at a later time when he is home alone.

“I’ve been doing fine,” Ren says, shrugging. “I graduated from college, so that’s a thing now. But I haven’t really been doing anything interesting as of late besides working and spending time with Yusuke.”

“Are you two close, then?”

“We’ve gotten a lot closer than we used to be. Ryuji is still probably my best friend, but living with someone naturally makes you pretty close to them, wouldn’t you say?”

Goro exhales harshly. “I’ve never lived with anybody before, I wouldn’t know.”  
  
“Well—it seems to be true in my case, so. I’m just gonna assume that other people have similar experiences.”

“I suppose they probably do.” Goro pauses, considering what to say next. “Ren, are you… going to tell your friends that you’ve found me?”

“That’s a funny way of saying it. ‘Found’ you.” Ren is smiling as he speaks, a cheerful expression stretched all the way out across his face. The warmth reaches his eyes—it always has—and Goro’s stomach does an extra flip. Ren’s smiles have always been a very dangerous thing, because they are always so _real_ and _genuine._ “I won’t tell them unless you give me permission to, though. I… we don’t ever have to talk again after today if that’s what you prefer.”

Goro doesn’t say anything for a moment, because he’s not even sure what it is that he prefers. Thirty minutes ago he would have said _no, I don’t want to ever see you again after today,_ but now—now he thinks that he has totally changed his mind. Goro doesn’t know if he could handle it, being unable to see Ren, being unable to see his horrible, horrible infectious smile and gentle eyes and his caring, honest voice. He _does_ want to see Ren again after today. He wants to be friends with him again, for real this time—he wants to become close to him in a natural way.

He wants it so, so much. It makes his chest hurt. Goro has never been immune to Ren’s charm.

“I… okay, fine.” He takes a deep breath, not caring how goofy and overdramatic it looks. “You can tell them if you like. If it’s all right with you, I would like to… be friends again. Or—try being friends again. The right way, not just as rivals or team members.”

Ren finishes off the last of his popsicle and points at Goro with the stick, still smiling. “I was hoping you’d say that,” he replies. “I really did miss you, Goro. I don’t think you understand how much.”

“I suppose that’s something you’ll have to show to me.” Goro is smiling now, too, though it’s more of a competitive smile than anything else. “I… Ren. Speaking quite frankly, I… I missed you too. Very much.”

It feels good to say that aloud. 

“Really?” Ren tilts his head. “If I’m being completely honest… that surprises me a little bit.”

Goro’s nose wrinkles. “How so?”

“I dunno, I guess I just thought that you’d want to move on from me and… the Phantom Thief stuff, y’know? When we were younger, you always gave off the impression that it’s something you’d like to leave in the past.”

“Mmm… it’s true that I’d like to leave those sorts of things behind me, but it doesn’t mean that you _are_ those things.” Goro looks at Ren and his eyes soften. “You may have been Joker, but you’re also still Ren.”

He wonders if Ren tends to forget that fact.

There’s no time to stop and ask, because all at once Ren stretches his arms above his head and lets out a little laugh. “Yeah, you’re right. Huh… I’m glad that you’ve been able to separate yourself from all that stuff.”

“Yes, it took quite a lot of work to get to this point, though. Lots of… thinking.”

“Yeah.” Ren pauses, shifting his eyes down towards the hardwood of the table. “I know what you mean.”

They lapse into a tense silence, then, and Goro has to force himself to not fantasize about suddenly screaming. He takes a deep breath, keeping his eyes transfixed on the hardwood of the table in front of him, unsure what to say or do now that they’ve entered such a somber conversation topic.

“Um,” Ren says. “I guess I should get going soon. It’s my turn to make dinner tonight, so…”

“Oh, you have a schedule?” Goro smiles, somehow pleased by this despite the fact that it doesn’t have anything to do with him. “What are you planning on making?”

He realizes that he’s dragging on the conversation longer in an effort to keep Ren’s company for a few extra minutes, but. That’s just how it is.

“Dunno yet. I have to text him and ask what he’s in the mood for.” Ren shrugs and stands up. He waves the popsicle stick around. “Where’s your trash can?”

“In the far left bottom cupboard.” Goro points at it with the remainder of his popsicle. “Over there.”

Ren mumbles something that sounds like a _thanks_ and moves to throw the stick into the garbage can. When he’s done, he turns around to face Goro once more, face the picture of utter seriousness. It’s a strange look on him—Ren always gives off such an air of carefreeness even with all of his responsibilities. It’s impressive, Goro thinks, that he is able to keep his head screwed on straight.

“Um, Ren.” Goro wrings his hands together in an old anxious habit. His facial expression, however, conveys the complete opposite—even now, he still tries to be the picture of confidence. “Could I… have your phone number?”

For a moment, Ren says nothing, and then a smile breaks out across his face, wide and amused. “I was really hoping that you would say that,” he chirps, pulling his phone out from his pocket. “I was wondering if I would have to ask first.”

“It sounds as though you were planning on somehow getting my number no matter what,” Goro says, smug. He and Ren trade phones and put their numbers in each other’s contact books. It’s funny—after Futaba’s stunt with planting a bug in his phone, Goro almost never lets anybody else handle his phone. It had become a paranoid habit of his—a paranoid habit that Ren doesn’t need to know about.

And yet he feels comfortable enough to already let Ren use his phone after being separated from one another for years. What, pray tell, might that say about Akechi Goro?

He sighs to himself and returns Ren’s phone.

“Great.” Ren makes a show of putting his phone back into his pocket, patting the side of his pants with his palm as he does so. “This is great! I seriously can’t believe that I’m seeing you again, Goro. I’m really glad that you let me back to your apartment and everything. I missed you.”

“Ah… the feeling is mutual,” Goro says, sporting a thin smile. He can’t bring himself to say _I miss you_ again, not twice in one night. It feels far too vulnerable. “Thank you for buying me my popsicles and dinner.”

“Think of it as my birthday gift to you.” Ren heads over to the door as he speaks and reaches to put his shoes back on. “If I had known today was the day, I would have gotten you something a little bit less… lackluster.”

“Oh, it’s fine.” Goro laughs slightly. “Don’t worry about it. These popsicles are gift enough.”

 _The fact that I get to see you is a gift too,_ a small part of Goro’s brain says. He immediately squashes the thought.

“I’ll text you eventually and we can hang out some more,” Ren says. “You better not leave me on read like an asshole.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. Have I ever done that to you before?”

“No, but there’s always time for firsts.” Ren laughs a little bit as he opens up the front door. “Um… anyway. I’ll see you! Thanks again for letting me talk to you. It’s… nice to be able to catch up.”

“Yeah,” Goro says, and his tongue is twisting itself up into knots. “See you again soon.”

“Bye bye.” Ren gives a wave and another smile and then he is out the door and Goro is left alone in his apartment once again.

He doesn’t know what he’s feeling. 

On one hand, he really and truly is glad that he got to see Ren again. He _did_ miss him—he missed him so, so much, in an almost indescribable way. But at the same time—he can’t help and wonder whether or not this is a good idea. Should Ren really have to concern himself with someone like Goro again? Wouldn’t it be better if the two of them stayed separate for the rest of their lives? Wouldn’t it be less stressful?

It’s hard to know the truth. 

Goro throws away his popsicle stick and takes his sushi off of the counter. At least he got a free meal and some popsicles out of this, even though he also has to acknowledge certain residual _emotions_ and _feelings_ that he has towards Ren. He thought that surely these feelings would not resurface after years of separation, surely he would not feel the warmth that he used to feel towards Ren now that they have only just barely reunited—but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

This might eventually end up being a small problem.

“Christ,” Goro mumbles to himself, moving his sushi onto his bed with a little sigh. He sits down on top of the fabric and stares at his food for five minutes too long, spacing out entirely as his brain shifts into deeper and deeper thought. He thinks and thinks and thinks and thinks about Ren—he thinks about his voice and his hair and his eyes and his strange yet interesting charm and mannerisms. Even after all that they had been through, Goro has never felt as though he’d come to completely understand Ren—he’s always been a bit of an enigma. 

Maybe that can finally change now.

They’re older, which means that they’re more mature. And Goro is far less manic than he used to be, he can hold conversations with people without having the urge to rip all of his hair out at once. He takes mood stabilizers, he sleeps at least five hours every night, he eats three meals a day almost always and he cleans his apartment regularly. Compared to how he used to be—beyond sleep deprived, restless, miserable—Goro considers himself to be doing pretty good now.

Pretty good, but not perfect. Clearly he is still struggling—with himself, with the world, with his thoughts and feelings and weaknesses and everything in between and far apart. 

Even though he’s matured—even though he’s an adult now—some part of Goro can’t help but still feel like a helpless child.

He sighs once again and opens up the first container to his sushi. 

* * *

Before he goes to bed, Goro has another popsicle.

He’s been doing nothing but thinking all night long—he thought about Ren while he ate his dinner, he thought about Ren while he took a shower, and he thought about Ren while he tried to page through a book. He thought and could not stop thinking, no matter how hard he tried. And he cannot stop checking his phone for messages, either; Goro’s anxiety seems to have manifested itself as anticipation today, and he’s having a particularly hard time getting it under wraps.

There’s nothing that he can do about this, really, save for sending Ren a message first instead of waiting to be texted. But he isn’t going to do that, because he doesn’t want to come off as desperate—not that Goro thinks Ren would perceive him that way in the first place, but. He supposes that he’s just not ready for that yet.

He finishes up his second popsicle of the night and tosses the stick into the trash with the other two. There’s nothing that can be done now besides more rumination and finding patience. Unfortunately, Goro is great at ruminating and terrible at being patient—it’s a skill that he’s never quite been able to master no matter how much he tries.

Goro looks at his phone one last time, takes his medications, turns the lights off, and lays down. He stares dead at the ceiling, eyes hard, jaw hard—until time warps itself into nothingness and he falls asleep without being aware of it. 


	2. in the heat of the morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ren and Goro share two slices of pie.

Goro is dreaming.

He’s gotten to be pretty good at identifying when he is dreaming and when he isn’t. By those standards, he supposes that he could one day be a great lucid dreamer—that is, if he cared enough about that sort of thing in the first place. Unfortunately, Goro doesn’t particularly want to lucid dream, and so every time he realizes that he’s dreaming he simply wakes himself up and goes right back to sleep. No fuss.

Regardless of all that, though—he  _ is _ dreaming. He is dreaming, but he isn’t aware that he is dreaming, and so he cannot wake up even if he really wanted to. There’s nothing to do but let the dream happen.

In his dream, Goro finds himself standing in front of a very, very large house, one with windows of multiple shapes and sizes. There are star windows and square windows and triangular windows and circular windows and even hexagonal windows—and peeking out of one of the windows is none other than Amamiya Ren. He pushes the window up and open and sticks his head out of it, looking down at Goro, who stands on the blacktop below.

_ I’m on the seventh floor,  _ Ren says. His mouth moves but no sound comes out, and yet Goro understands what he is saying all the same.  _ Can you come find me? _

“Okay,” Goro says, offering Ren a thumbs up, who in turn winks, smiles, and then shuts the window. 

Goro makes his way up to the front door, which is absolutely massive in size. It is so massive, in fact, that it appears to take up at least two stories, which doesn’t seem like a very sound choice design-wise, but then again—Goro is dreaming. It doesn’t have to make any sense. He doesn’t know that, though, and so he takes one second of time to allow himself to stand in front of the door, perplexed, before moving on.

He reaches for the door handle and opens it up, only to be immediately greeted by a brick wall. Huh.

Well, there’s certainly no way to get inside from here, it seems, so Goro figures that his next action should be to inform Ren of this. He steps back to where he was standing before and waits, awkwardly, for Ren to reappear in the window. Goro wonders if he should throw some rocks up there or something in an effort to get his attention, but that sounds a little too much like a romcom.

Soon enough Ren emerges from the same window that he was scouting from before and waves down at Goro with a big grin spread wide across his face.  _ Why are you still outside?  _ he mouths.

“I can’t get in through the front door,” Goro explains, hands on his hips. “What should I do?”

_ There’s another way to get inside, don’t worry. All you have to do is… g...o to…. t…. w..s….end… _

The more Ren tries to speak, the more nonsensical that he becomes. His words warp and warp and warp until they disappear completely and become nothing at all, no sounds, no phonemes, no nothing. There are only air and particles and the shifting of the sky, the clouds. Not a single sound echoes throughout the area, not even a creak.

Ren appears as if he’s screaming now, but Goro still cannot hear anything, he cannot open his mouth, he cannot move a muscle. The house starts shuddering all at once, the windows shaking erratically with every movement. From where he is standing Goro can see the front door vibrate back and forth, appearing as though it is moments away from completely flying off of its hinges. The ground shakes, Goro’s knees wobble, and he has nothing to balance himself against so he looks like a bit of a fool.

And then, all at once, the house is sucked into the earth, and Goro wakes up with a start.

He takes a deep breath, feeling for the blankets around him, trying to ground himself in physical sensations. It’s not too often that Goro has bad dreams anymore—and truthfully, this dream wasn’t necessarily a  _ bad  _ one so much as a  _ strange  _ one. But at the same time, it was definitely still startling. 

It figures that he has a weird dream about Ren the day after they reunite with one another. Goro doesn’t think that he’s had a dream about Ren in years.

He sighs and reaches blindly for his phone on the table beside himself and pulls it up close to his face, wincing when the bright light of his lock screen flashes into his eyes. The time reads nine o’clock in the morning—he’s woken up before his alarm. That seems to be a fairly regular occurrence recently.

There’s an unread message from Ren, it seems, and Goro makes quick work of unlocking his phone and opening up his inbox. It’s kind of humorous how excited he is for just a few messages, but perhaps that’s something to dwell on another day.

**Ren | 3:43am  
** hey goro, it’s pretty late so i dunno if you’re still awake but tomorrow i’ll be at leblanc around 2 pm if you wanna drop by!

**Ren | 3:44am  
** if not that’s cool though. i’ll see you!

The fact that these were sent at nearly four in the morning does not evade Goro’s attention, and he finds himself raising an eyebrow at it. This is definitely something he’ll have to bring up to Ren. It would be bad if his sleep schedule was— 

Goro blinks. Why is he worrying about Ren’s sleep schedule?

He sighs to himself and sets his phone back on the table. There’s still nearly an hour left before his alarm is set to go off—maybe Goro can indulge himself a little bit and go back to bed. There isn’t anything that he would be doing during that one hour period of time anyway, save for sitting at his kitchen table and staring at the coffee stains littered on top of it.

So—sleep. Just a little bit more of it, and then Goro can start his day for real. 

He closes his eyes. 

* * *

When Goro wakes up, he feels significantly more groggy than he had before, which is unfortunate. The point of getting a little bit extra sleep is to feel  _ less  _ tired, not more, but apparently that’s just not going to happen today.

There are a few things that he needs to get done before he heads on over to Leblanc to see Ren. Namely: laundry, the dishes, a shower. It’s a small list of things to do, but at the same time, it seems like quite a lot for the level of madness that Goro feels as though he is currently functioning at.

All it takes is Ren’s appearance to turn him up on his head, it seems.

He slides out of bed to shower first, because he feels rather disgusting. Goro takes his showers very seriously—because showering is a moment of peace that is so rarely available in the world he currently lives in. There isn’t anything one can do while showering  _ besides  _ shower; there isn’t any multitasking, there isn’t any frantic running around. It’s just steam and soap and hot water on his back and face and it’s wonderful. 

After he stares at himself in the mirror for a good three minutes, Goro finally slips into the shower with a sigh. The one unfortunate part of showers is that  _ because  _ it is such a peaceful moment, it also gives him a chunk of time to think about anything that he wants to think about. And in this instance, he’s thinking about Ren.

He’s thinking about Ren.

He’s thinking about Ren and his strange, unyielding proclivity for kindness. He is thinking about Ren and his outstanding courage, his seemingly absolute lack of fear, his readiness to face just about anything at any time, He possesses traits that feel so rare yet genuine—traits that make him a particularly special person. Not to mention that his eyes are deep as the sea and his smile radiates light off of it like a— 

Goro corkscrews his eyes shut and vigorously rubs shampoo into his hair. He is  _ not  _ going down that path of thought right now, no sir.

He tries to think about other things—his job, what he’s going to have for dinner tonight—but it doesn’t work very well, as Ren ends up being pushed to the front of his thoughts regardless. This is probably just how it’s going to be until he heads on over to Leblanc later today.

Goro shuts off the water and steps out of the shower. He dries himself off, heads into his room, tosses on some lounge clothes, and ties his hair back into a ponytail. His hair isn’t that different in length than it was a few years ago, truthfully; the difference is that now he tends to wear it back much more than he does down.

Next: laundry.

Laundry is similar to showering in that doing laundry also provides a brief moment of peace, but at the same time, Goro absolutely hates doing laundry so it isn’t really enjoyable. The waiting part is the worst bit of it, Goro thinks—he’s never been a patient person, and that doesn’t seem like something that’s going to change anytime soon. He _wants_ to be a more patient person, but. But.

It isn’t Goro’s fault that half of his life was essentially wasted away. It isn’t his fault.

(It is.) (It isn’t.) (It is.) (It isn’t.) (It is.) (It isn’t.) 

He grips the sides of his laundry basket, hard, and forces his frown off of his face. Goro is glad that Ren is back in his life, he is—but he’s not glad that he’s started thinking about upsetting things again.

He carries his bin of laundry down to the laundry room. 

It would be a lie to say that Goro has already sorted out all of his past trauma, because he most certainly has not. In fact, rather than sorting it out and processing it all, Goro simply buried it in the deepest recesses of his brain, never to be touched again. He was content living like that for a while—there’s no need to confront something that he makes a habit out of never thinking about. This is what he told himself, anyway, because in order to face that trauma— 

Goro doesn’t want to think about how much it would hurt.

But now that Ren is back, all of the memories and thoughts that he repressed are starting to resurface. And there isn’t anything that he can do to fix it, he thinks. He knows that he’s probably going to have to give in and sort himself out because of this, but—he doesn’t want to. He really, really, really does not want to think about his younger self. At all.

There’s nothing that can be done right now, though, so Goro shoves his laundry into the machine, pays, and heads back up to his apartment. He knows that he should probably wait around to make sure nobody steals his stuff, but there are dishes that need to be washed and he would rather not dawdle on that.

Back in his apartment, Goro kicks his shoes off and heads over to his sink. His apartment is too small and squashed to fit a dishwasher in it so he has to hand wash everything, which is fine in his book. It’s a nice distraction.

Time passes, and Goro finishes the dishes. He also finishes doing laundry, eventually, and takes his time sorting out all of his clothes and storing them away in the proper place. By the time he’s done, it’s already one o’clock in the afternoon, which is just about perfect. 

It is time to go to Leblanc.

Goro’s mind is racing. His mind is racing as he changes his clothes—a nice pair of dark pants and a plain, white tshirt—and his mind is racing as he redoes his hair, and his mind is racing as he leaves his apartment, and his mind is racing when he boards the train and his mind is racing as he walks to Leblanc. Racing, racing, racing. His thought processes are moving at one million miles per hour, unable to stop, unable to keep still, unable to rest. 

Goro thinks about Ren. 

He stops thinking about him just for a moment when he opens up the door to the cafe and is greeted by a familiar bell jingle and Sakura Sojiro’s deep, gruff voice. 

“Wait a minute,” Sojiro says, raising an eyebrow. He’s aged gracefully, it appears, and doesn’t look a day older than he used to. “I remember you.”

_ Uh oh.  _ Goro certainly hopes that it’s a good remembering rather than a bad one, but he’s not counting on it being the former. “Greetings,” he says, and then he winces because he hasn’t said that particular word in ages. So sickeningly formal.

“Ren told me that you were coming today. He’ll be here soon, he’s just buying some sugar for me. Have a seat.”

Goro does as he is told and takes a seat at the counter, at the same spot that he used to sit at. Funny. “How are things?” he asks, trying to be polite.

“They’re fine, I’d say. Things around here haven’t really changed much since you last stopped by.” Sojiro’s back is turned to Goro, and he’s clinking around with something. “Not much at all has changed, in fact.”   
  
Goro looks around the cafe, as if to check for new decorations. “I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Of course there isn’t. But still, it would be nice to have a new change of pace…” Sojiro trails off towards the end of his sentence, mumbling something that Goro cannot hear. He turns around after a moment and sets down a cup of coffee, sliding it forward slightly. The cup has a small chip in the handle, and it adds some lovely charm.

Goro reaches into his pocket for his wallet but is cut short by Sojiro clearing his throat very emphatically. “It’s on the house,” he says. “Think of it as a welcome back gift. More from Ren than from me.”

“From Ren?” Goro raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah. He’s pretty excited to see you again, y’know. He’s been talking about it pretty enthusiastically. You two have made up since your, er, incident, I take it?”

It takes everything in Goro to not force out a rude laugh. “Yes, we… have, more or less.”

“I don’t understand young people,” Sojiro says with a sigh, rubbing the back of his neck. “But as long as you’re both happy and not about to kill one another, then I guess that’s all I could ask for.”

Goro only nods in response, awkwardly lifting up the cup to his lips and taking a sip of the coffee. It tastes… familiar. Nostalgic. It makes Goro feel younger again all at once, in both a good way and a bad way, in an indescribable way. He sets the cup down with a soft sigh, staring at the chip in the ceramic as the sensation of deja vu washes over him.

He drinks the coffee while he waits for Ren and sinks deeper into nostalgia.

It can’t be that long that Ren is gone, because when the door to Leblanc finally swings open again and he stands there with a packet of sugar in his arms, Goro has only drank about half of his coffee. He sets the cup down and turns to face Ren, putting what he hopes is a smile on his face. “Ren,” he says. “You were up late last night.”

“Hey, Goro. Yes, I was up late,” Ren says, setting the sugar down on the counter and sliding into the seat next to Goro with a huff. He reaches up and wipes his brow with the back of his arm. “It’s so hot out there.”

“Hot in here, too,” Sojiro grumbles, picking up the bag of sugar and hiding it away somewhere. “Thanks for getting that for me.”

“No problem.” Ren smiles. “Goro, I hate to move you from your spot, but could we sit at a booth? It’d be better to talk that way.”   
  
Goro is way ahead of him, because he isn’t sure if he can sit next to Ren like this, what with how close they are to one another. He gets up off of his counter seat, coffee cup in hand, and moves to sit down at one of the booth. Ren plops himself down in the seat across from him.

“Do you two want some pie?” Sojiro asks from his nook in the back of the kitchen. He’s waving around a covered plate of  _ something _ in his hands. The pie, probably.

“Oh, uh… sure,” Ren says, and he looks at Goro and Goro simply shrugs because he’s not about to deny a slice of pie.

Sojiro comes on over with two plates of pie and two forks and sets them down on the table. “It’s a fruit pie,” he says. “I know it isn’t Christmas, but I got it as a gift. Don’t want to waste it.”

“Thanks,” Ren says.

“Thank you,” Goro says.

“Sure thing.” Sojiro nods, and then he goes back to his spot behind the counter. 

Goro stares at the pie. Sometimes… he forgets that there are nice, hospitable people like this, people who don’t want to use him. Even now Goro struggles with such a simple concept. It’s something that’s a bit embarrassing for him, quite truthfully.

He pokes at his pie and decides to stop thinking about that.

“I want to ask you a couple of things,” Ren says after a short moment of silence. “Uh… is that like, okay..?”

Goro blinks. Why had he assumed that Ren wouldn’t want to ask him any more questions? “Sure, that’s fine.”

“Okay, well.” Ren stares at his pie, and then looks up at Goro. “The first thing that I’m wondering is how you’re still alive. Maruki said that you were dead, right? So what happened?”

Ah, this. This is a question that Goro has thought long and hard about and has never been able to come to an adequate answer.  _ How are you alive?  _ It’s a good question; Goro doesn’t know how he is alive, and he was fully prepared (and very nearly willing) to be dead, so the surprise he had when he woke up and found himself laying on the floor in his old apartment all those years ago was… strange, to say the least.

“I’m not sure,” he says. “I have a theory, though. As much as Maruki said that I was dead, part of me… wonders whether or not that’s really true. I’m not saying that he pretended I was dead to manipulate us; I don’t think that he was that specific kind of corrupted. But I do think that he may have potentially been wrong.”

“Oh. I guess that makes sense.”

“I am also inclined to believe that something… ‘glitched,’ I’ll call it, in the process of society reverting back to normal, and that the glitch is what kept me alive. Or rather—brought me back from the dead. I’m still not sure which theory is the truth, though.”

“Hm. I guess the specifics don't matter too much anymore. Either way, I’m just glad that you came back."

“Mmm.” Goro doesn’t want to acknowledge that statement—he isn’t sure how to. It’s much too personal of a thing for Ren to say, so laced with emotions and feelings and  _ compassion.  _ Goro has never been good at understanding how and why people might sympathize with him. “Regardless, I don’t like to question it. I simply accept it as fact, because there isn’t really any way for me to figure out the answer, seeing as the Metaverse is gone. All my clues are therefore also gone.”

“Right, yeah. I guess that makes sense. Um—okay. This is a related question, but why didn’t you tell me you were still alive?”

Goro sighs, frustrated. He really doesn’t want to talk about this. “Didn’t we have this same discussion yesterday, or are your ears so full of wax that you didn’t catch a word of what I was saying?” He frowns. “Sorry. But I’ve already told you that I didn’t say anything because I felt it was for the best.”

“I know, but I just don’t understand why you thought that us never talking to each other ever again was a good—”

“Enough,” Goro says, and his jaw hurts from clenching it so much, teeth gritting and everything. “Enough. I don’t want to talk about this. It was my decision and I had my reasons. I only kept myself at a distance because I didn’t want to cause any additional problems, and that’s about the long and short of it. Got it?”

Ren’s face has gone all sad, especially his eyes. Goro can feel his heart thrashing against his ribcage. It’s hard to look at him like this. “Got it,” he says, sullen. “Sorry for bringing it up again.”

“It’s—it’s fine. Let’s just not talk about it anymore.”

They lapse into yet another silence, albeit a much more awkward and tense one than before. This is great—Goro has barely been here for thirty minutes and has already gotten close to losing his temper. What a good job.

He tries to think of something else to say to get rid of this awful, awful silence, and decides to bite the bullet and simply ask the first question that comes to mind. “So did you tell your friends about me?”

“I did, yeah.” Ren shovels another forkful of pie into his mouth. He’s either unaffected by Goro’s brief outburst or pretending to be unaffected; it’s hard to tell. “You know, they can be your friends too. They  _ were  _ your friends.”

“That’s a nice sentiment, but I don’t think that they would agree with that.” Goro smiles sweetly. “Surely none of them would like to be friends with someone as traitorous as me.”

“They were sad,” Ren says. “When you were gone, they were sad.”   
  
“I cannot fathom that.”  _ I cannot fathom people genuinely caring about me, especially the Phantom Thieves.  _

“Well, you better start fathoming, Akechi Goro, because it’s true. And when I told them all yesterday that you were alive, they were all  _ glad.  _ They were glad to hear that you’re safe and alive. I can even show you the text messages to prove it—”

“That won’t be necessary,” Goro interrupts. He certainly doesn’t want to see something like that; it would probably make him angry. Why it would make him angry, though—he isn’t entirely sure the reasoning for that. “I believe you.”

“You’re surprised, right?”

“I suppose that I am surprised, yes.”

Ren tilts his head. “In a good way? Or in a bad way?”

“A bit of both,” Goro says, and he’s being honest. On one hand, he’s rather flattered that Ren’s friends are relieved to hear that he is alive. On the other hand, though, he gets uncomfortable when people care about him too much, and this is an instance of them caring too much. After all, as far as Goro was concerned, they all sort of… hated him, didn’t he? That’s the impression he was under, at least. 

“Huh, well. I guess that’s fair. I think that if I were in your position I would feel the same way.”

“Is that so?” Goro asks, tilting his head, mirroring the way Ren had earlier.

“Yeah.” Ren stabs a piece of pie with his fork and it makes a squeaky sound against the table. “I get it. I mean, I do and I don’t. I’m not you, so obviously I won’t ever be able to understand in full how you feel about my friends, but. I still somewhat understand.”

“I appreciate the sentiment regardless,” he says, smiling as primly as his face allows him to. He isn’t sure why he’s turned back on his faux charm today; he’s done away with that for years now.

Old habits.

“So… does this mean that you’re willing to be friends with my friends, then?” Ren asks, finishing up the last of his pie.

This is another great question, and one that Goro does not know the answer to. He takes great care in choosing who his friends are—and he takes great care in choosing who he wants to get close to. This is why, despite the fact that he has a lot of friends at work, none of them are particularly close to him in a traditional friend sense. He never spends time with any of them outside of work and the occasional lunch or dinner.

He doesn’t let anybody get close.

But the issue is that the Phantom Thieves are, in a sense, already close. They’ve seen Goro at his absolute worst, they’ve seen him brimming with confidence, they’ve seen him manic, they’ve seen him out of his mind, they’ve seen him weak and defenseless, and they’ve seen him lonely and lost, too. They have already seen so many sides to Goro and yet he couldn’t say the same for any of them, save for Ren.

This is why he isn’t sure whether or not he wants to be friends with any of them. Whether or not he  _ can  _ be friends with any of them. Because they know too much and he knows too little and those two things do not balance each other out at all. Goro hates feeling vulnerable, and yet they’ve all seen him vulnerable.

“Potentially,” Goro settles on answering. “I will… think about it.”   
  
“You should talk to Ann sometime,” Ren says. “She always talks about how she wishes you two could be closer. I think she kind of admires you, in a weird sort of way.”

Goro’s nose crinkles up, much like a squashed brown paper bag. “Admires me? I cannot even imagine why she would feel that way.”

“Hey, I admire you. Probably for different reasons than Ann, but… yeah. And anyway, if you want to know, you can just ask her. She’d probably be more than happy to answer.”

_ You admire me?  _ Goro wants to ask, but won’t. Instead he’s simply going to pretend that Ren hasn’t said that at all, because it’s much easier that way. “We’ll see. I’d like to… acclimate, first.”

Ren makes a face that reads _worry_ _ ,  _ but he nods and smiles anyway. “That’s fair. I guess that it might be overwhelming.”

Overwhelming doesn’t necessarily seem like the right word, but. Goro also nods and smiles anyway, because he doesn’t really have it in him to come up with a better word. And besides, Ren’s facial expression is full of pride, and Goro doesn’t really want to take that away from him.

“I… eventually,” Goro mumbles, voice uncertain. He knows how much it would mean to Ren if he were to get closer to his friends, but Goro just… he just doesn’t know. He’s not sure if it’ll be worth it. Maybe that’s a terrible thing to think, but Goro considers himself to be a pretty terrible person, so it’s fitting.

“Hey, no worries. We have all the time in the world now, don’t we?”

“I suppose that we do.” Goro sighs. “In a sense, anyway. Although I will admit that I do feel as though I’ve been aging much too fast…”

Ren tilts his head again. “What do you mean?”

“It’s—it’s silly, never mind.”

“No, tell me. I wanna hear.”

Ever so insistent, Ren is. How frustrating. “I feel like I was eighteen just a week ago, but at the same time, I feel as though it was decades ago. That period of my life is so strange—I try to map out everything that happened in my head sometimes, but it just… never plays out the way that it felt as though it did.” Pause. “I’m not sure if this makes any sense.”

“It sort of does. I feel the same way. I mean—er. Maybe in a slightly different sense.” Ren sighs. “Don’t tell anyone that I said this, but I have a lot of missing memories from back then.”

“Missing memories?”

“Uh, yeah. Like—repressed? I guess?”

“Ah.” Goro looks down at the remaining crumbs of his pie and frowns. “I understand.”

“Sounds like we both got pretty messed up, huh?”

Fortunately, that gets a little chuckle out of Goro. And thank god, because this conversation is taking a dour turn. “That does seem to be the case, yes. Unfortunate considering how young we were. And even more unfortunate considering that I was part of the problem—”

“I don’t wanna hear that,” Ren says, waving a hand. “I don’t want to hear you blame yourself for that stuff because it was life or death. You know that Shido was going to kill you, right?”

“I know.” Goro rubs the back of his neck with his hand, not really wanting to talk about this. “I’ll agree to disagree. Regardless—I’m simply glad that it’s all over now.”

“Yeah, me too. I made a lot of really good memories, but I also made a lot of really bad ones.”

“The good memories must have been stronger than the bad ones, yes? Otherwise I’m not sure why you would have returned to live in this city.”

“You’re right.” Ren shrugs. “The good memories definitely outweigh the bad ones.”

_ I’m not sure that I could say the same,  _ Goro thinks. He’s sick of this pity party, though, and decides to change the topic entirely before the osteoblasts in his skull start to decompose from how painful talking about this is. “Well, anyway. Is there something that you wanted to do today? Or was I just called here to eat pie and talk about the past?”

“Uh. I didn’t actually have anything specific planned, but we can do something if you want to. Maybe get some ice cream? Something is telling me that you have a sweet tooth.”

“That  _ does  _ sound tempting, I have to admit… although we both had popsicles yesterday, in case you’ve forgotten. And we just ate pie. That’s quite a lot of sugar.”

“My dentist says the same thing whenever I have an appointment,” Ren says, winking as he stands up and collects their pie plates and forks. “Do you really care about that stuff? I exercise enough for it to not really matter.”

“No, I don’t care that much. I suppose that I’m just being a stick in the mud. Let’s go and get some ice cream, then. But let it be my treat this time, since you paid for my things yesterday.”

“I ‘paid for your things’ because it was your birthday, Goro.”

“So? That changes nothing.” Goro stands up. “I’m paying.”

Ren sets the plates down in the back of the kitchen and reemerges in front of the counter, grinning. “All right, then. You can pay. That just means that next time I get to pay.”

_ Next time.  _ As if he couldn’t be any less subtle, a wide smirk breaks out across Goro’s face. “Sure thing,” he says.

Ren grins and they head out to get their ice cream.

* * *

A few hours later, Ren offers to walk Goro to the train station, and Goro accepts.

All-in-all, it was a pretty good day today. There were some bumps, some uncomfortable moments, some awkward tensions—but overall, Goro is pleased with how his afternoon with Ren went, and wouldn’t redo it for anything.

He’s happy.

As they walk to the train station together, Goro thinks about what all of these new life changes mean for him. Whether or not reuniting with Ren (and eventually the rest of the Phantom Thieves) is a good or bad thing is something that Goro doesn’t yet know the answer to—he wants, in his heart, to believe that it is a good thing. But part of him just cannot completely get on board with that; he feels as though something horrible and sinister is lurking just around the corner, preparing to strike, without the warning of a rattlesnake’s rattle. It could come silent, unprovoked. And that is the scary part of all of this.

Because really, Goro  _ has  _ changed as a person. He’s changed lots. He is calmer now, and somewhat more friendly, and considerably more mentally sound than he was before. There are some parts of him that have stayed the same, though: he continues to not take anybody’s bullshit, and he continues to enjoy cycling and bouldering and sweet foods and the like. He also continues to isolate himself, continues to be unable to understand human connection in the way that he wants to, and continues to find pain in his past. 

Some things change. Some things do not change. Now that he’s reunited with Ren again, Goro assumes that more things will start to change than stay the same. He hopes that these changes bring along goodness with them. He really, really hopes. There is nothing he can do but hope.

At the end of the day, Goro treasures his friendship with Ren. He treasures the memories—happy and sad—that they have made together, and he treasures their private conversations with one another, too. 

There’s a part of Goro that feels as though one day something will come along and strip everything away from him again. 

He sighs inwardly, and turns his attention to Ren as they reach the station. “Thank you for the lovely day,” he says.

“Thanks for deciding to spend it with me,” Ren replies, throwing in a smile for good measure or something. “And thanks again for buying my ice cream.”

“Don’t mention it. I am quite surprised by the fact that you picked strawberry, though.”

“Yeah, well. I’m full of surprises. Anyway—I gotta head back to Leblanc to pick up my stuff before Sojiro gets annoyed, so I’m gonna say goodbye here. I’ll text you and we can figure out another time to hang out—maybe next time with Ann, yeah?”

Goro smiles. “I suppose.”

“You better not ignore my messages,” Ren says, jabbing Goro in the chest with his index finger. It’s the first instance of physical contact that they’ve had in years, and a pulse of electricity reverberates through all of the nerves in Goro’s body. “I’ll see you, okay?”

“See you,” Goro echoes, and then Ren gives a wave and turns around and he is gone.

Goro enters the station and stands, waiting for his train to arrive. He stares at his phone’s lockscreen, blearily, and gives himself a small smile. 

Yes, today was definitely a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those interested in scheduling, i'll be (attempting) to upload a chapter every saturday EST, or if not, every other saturday EST.
> 
> <3


	3. new feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’ve been staring at my granola bar as if it were your estranged lover,” Goro says.
> 
> Ren blinks. “Oh.” 

Several days pass, and Ren and Goro have yet to see one another again.

This isn’t at the fault of either of them, necessarily. In the beginning, they made multiple attempts at contacting one another to hang out—but their schedules kept clashing and nothing was working out, so eventually, they suddenly stopped messaging one another altogether. It isn’t as though this silence is out of malice, just moreso awkwardness and anxiety, probably. 

_ Ren probably thinks I hate him,  _ Goro tells himself. He wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case, quite truthfully. Ren has about five thousand reasons to believe that this is true, and approximately four to believe that it isn’t true.

For this reason, Goro knows that if they are to actually see each other again, he’s going to have to initiate. This used to not be a problem—when they were younger, Goro was always the one to text and approach Ren first. He didn’t mind doing that. Ren was awkward and quiet; sometimes people just need a little bit of a push. Goro didn’t mind being that push, especially towards somebody that he felt such avid fondness for.

But it’s different now because they are older. Because Ren has more or less lost that awkwardness. Because they have started to turn into different people, and because their lives are bigger and more rounded out.

Nevertheless, Goro knows that he has to be the one to reach out first. 

Which is why, after he has finished eating his lunch, Goro pulls out his phone, opens up his messages, and texts Ren. His fingers fly across his phone’s keypad, and yet the message that he writes out appears to manifest itself in slow motion.

**Me | 12:33n  
** Hello, Ren. I apologize for not contacting you sooner. Are you free today? Would you like to do something?

Goro stares at the message for a good, long moment before he presses send. He puts his phone facedown on the table, stands up, exits his apartment, walks down the hall and down the stairs all the way to the lobby. From there, he takes the elevator back up to his floor, enters his apartment again, and picks his phone up.

He has a response.

**Ren | 12:37n  
** i’m free today actually yeah! this is weird but do you wanna go on a run with me?? i’ve been too busy to do it lately but i have time today

**Me | 12:42n  
** That sounds like a great idea, actually. Where shall we meet?

**Ren | 12:42n  
** i’m omw to inokashira park rn. do you want to meet here?

**Me | 12:43n  
** Sure. I’ll be there soon.

**Ren | 12:43n  
** i’ll wait for you :)

That last message has Goro nearly reeling. He sets his phone down again, takes a deep breath, and stands up. Apparently, all it takes for him to be metaphorically knocked back on his ass is for Ren to send a smiley face and a little reassurance. It is embarrassing, truly, how weak Goro is for him.

He changes as fast as his motor neurons allow him to. He puts on jogging pants and a comfortable short sleeve tshirt and pops an elastic band around his wrist to tie his hair up with later. He takes a moment to check himself in the mirror one last time before packing a small bag of water and snacks and sunscreen and then makes his way to his front door.

This will be good, Goro thinks. Because he hasn’t seen Ren in a few days, the likelihood of this interaction being tense in the beginning is slightly higher than normal, but Goro doesn’t think that it will be too big of an issue. Besides, it’s not like they’ll be doing too much talking if they’re going for a jog—talking while running isn’t the most conducive thing in the world.

He’s glad that he reached out to Ren, though. It would be unfortunate if they drifted apart yet again. Goro doesn’t want that to happen this time around. Even though they are back in one another’s lives, that doesn’t ameliorate the chances of something terrible happening—something that could once again rip the two of them apart. And that something could be Goro’s fault, or it could be Ren’s fault, or it could be neither of their fault and instead simply be a consequence of existing in the universe.

Goro is trying not to catastrophize, but it is certainly easy to blow any and every scenario in his head with Ren out of proportion. So much has gone wrong between the two of them in the past, and yet so little has gone right—can Goro even be blamed for picturing the worst? Can he be faulted for thinking along those lines?

Yes and no, he thinks. 

He has hope that things will work out better this time. They are both more mature, they have both grown into their personalities, and they both have a deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them. They are no longer teenagers, no longer children, no longer as naive and stretchy as they were before. They are more equipped to handle one another.

And it helps that there are no personas or Metaverse involved this time around. No more life-or-death situations, even though Goro’s brain sometimes still behaves as if this is the case. He can’t help it—after living with a broken amount of adrenaline throttling around his brain for three years straight, it’s no wonder that every now and then he has a mild surge of said adrenaline all over again.

Well—no matter. Goro is  _ not  _ going to ruin this for himself, no sir. Instead he is going to think about his feet right in front of him, and he is going to walk down to the train station, and he is going to get on the train. He will not think about any of this. 

He opens up the door to his apartment, heaves a sigh, and heads to the train station.

* * *

It turns out that the weather is hotter today than Goro anticipated. 

He thought,  _ sure. It’ll be fine for me to wear long sweatpants today. It’s not that bad. I’m going to pull my hair back so I’ll be less hot. _

Boy, was he wrong.

It’s absolutely sweltering today, and Goro discovers this fact the moment that he steps foot outside. It only becomes more apparent on his journey to the train station, and once he’s on the actual train and is crammed up against a dozen other people, then it becomes truly apparent.

Simply put, he should have worn shorts.

But there wasn’t any turning back, so Goro had to deal with it. He dealt with his sweatiness on the train, he dealt with his sweatiness in the station, he dealt with his sweatiness on his walk to the park, and he dealt with his sweatiness when he approached Ren with a wave and a smile, who was sitting by himself on a bench.

They chatted for a moment while Goro tied his hair back into a tight ponytail; they discussed how they’ve been doing, how they’ve been feeling, and how Yusuke has been doing, too, because Ren lives with him. Then they slung their drawstring bags back over their shoulders and went for their run.

Despite the incessant amount of sweating, it was a very good, productive run. 

Unfortunately, Goro doesn’t exercise nearly as much as he used to. When he was a younger teenager, he exercised near obsessively: he ran almost every single day and, when he purchased his very first bike—this was shortly after he began working for Shido, he thinks—he switched over to exercising that way because it was a little bit easier on the soles of his feet.

Goro liked exercising. It was freeing—maybe that’s the reason why he always did it so intensely. Exercising gave him a feeling of calmness and of hope that was unlike anything else he had ever felt before. When he was riding his bike, it was only  _ him.  _ It wasn’t anybody else—no false pretenses of family, no Shido, no nothing—just him. He treasured that alone time because it was such a good distraction.

As he aged, though, Goro became more and more busy—busy with college plans, busy with detective plans, and busy with Shido plans as well. Life got in the way of exercising, and eventually he was only able to exercise properly once or twice a week; sometimes he didn’t manage to work out at all. It was an unfortunate thing. He felt as though his special alone time was slipping out of his fingers, just as every other good thing in his life was doing as well.

It was sad. It made him feel empty. The more he buried himself in his revenge fantasy, the farther away he moved from his real self. He lost interest in so many things, in so many pastimes and activities that he once enjoyed. Goro was inadvertently turning himself into an empty husk and for what?

He still doesn’t exactly know the answer to that.

It’s best not to dwell on that question anymore, he has found. In fact, it’s best to not dwell on anything regarding Shido anymore. Goro both understands why he did what he did and yet he does not understand why he did what he did. He is stuck between sympathizing with his past self and wanting to knock himself over the head with a brick at his own sheer stupidity. He was so naive that he didn’t even realize it.

Unfortunate, really.

But now that he feels his life is more or less back on track again, he’s gotten back into the swing of exercising. He feels good about it. And now that he has reunited with Ren, who also apparently enjoys exercising…

…well. This just seems like it could be a piece of very good news.

They jog for about an hour and a half, circling through the park multiple times, taking breaks every now and then to simply walk and catch their breath and wipe away some of their sweat. By the time Ren suggests that they call it a day and sit down, Goro’s face is flushed a deep red, his chest is heaving, his shins and calves are sore, and he feels better than he has in  _ days.  _ He feels great, in fact.

They retire to a small bench under a tree, sprawling their limbs out across it as they sit down. For a short while, they say nothing at all to one another, and instead simply take some time to settle their breathing (and to settle their  sweat glands). 

“Thanks for coming along with me,” Ren finally says, removing his drawstring bag from his back and opening it up. He pulls out a water bottle. “I know that running definitely isn’t for everybody, so I was pretty glad to hear that you wanted to join me.”

Goro mirrors Ren’s movements, taking out his water bottle and unscrewing the lid. “It’s not a problem,” he says. “I had a nice time. You’re faster than I thought you would be for some reason.”

“Oh, really? Didn’t know that you pegged me as unfit.” Ren smiles before he takes a sip from his water.

“I didn’t say that you were unfit, I just said that I thought you would set a slower pace is all. But you didn’t—and it provided a much-needed challenge. I thoroughly appreciated and enjoyed it.”

“Guess we’re kind of still rivals in that sense,” Ren says, laughing slightly. “I was wondering whether or not you would ask to race me or something, truthfully.”

“Ah, I should have. That would have been fun. Perhaps another time.”

“We can place bets,” Ren says. He stretches his arms out above his head. “If you’re into that sort of thing, anyway.”

“I’ll consider it. You’re always such a good sport about competition, I think that I would be missing a great opportunity if I denied such a challenge.”

“Well—we can set something up another time. I’m too exhausted from today.”

Goro nods. “Of course. I feel the same.” He makes a show out of pulling a granola bar out from his bag, unwrapping it loudly before taking a bite. “I’m quite tired. At least I’ll sleep well tonight for once.”

Ren raises a curious eyebrow. “Do you not usually sleep well?” 

“Not really, no. I take medication to help me fall asleep, though. I find that it’s even more helpful for me to tire myself out during the day so that I can pass out faster.”

“Hm, well. I guess I’m sort of similar. Though I don’t really have any issues  _ falling  _ asleep, it’s moreso staying asleep…”

“You wake up frequently?”

“Yeah.” Ren is eyeing the granola bar conspicuously. “I have a lot of bad dreams.”

That’s never a good thing to hear. “Do you? Have you told anybody else about that?”

“Not really. It’s—uh. It’s not a big deal.”

“You sound as though you’re embarrassed by it,” Goro says warily.

“Haha. Maybe a little bit, yeah. But it’s okay. I’m not suffering or anything. Not really.”

That doesn’t sound particularly reassuring, but Goro doesn’t want to push him. At least not right now—perhaps he will at a later date, when they’ve gotten more comfortable around each other again. “Ah. Well… as long as you’re still getting enough sleep. Um—if there’s anything I can do to help, feel free to talk to me, though.”

“Noted. Thanks, Goro. It’s really not that big of a deal, though. I promise.”

Again—still not reassuring. But Goro is going to take Ren’s word for it and change the subject before the air between them starts getting uncomfortable.

He’s noticed that Ren is still ogling his granola bar. That’s a good point of discussion. “Are you hungry?” Goro asks, waving the granola bar before he takes the final bite. He crumples up the wrapper and stuffs it back into his drawstring bag with a little smirk.

“Er—yeah, I am. Am I making it that obvious?”

“You’ve been staring at my granola bar as if it were your estranged lover,” Goro says.

Ren blinks. “Oh.” 

“Do you… want to get something to eat?” Goro feels as though he is talking to a child.

“Yeah, actually. Something small, if you don’t mind. Yusuke is cooking dinner later tonight.”

“Let’s go get something, then. Just to tide you over until dinnertime.”

“All right. I know just the place.” Ren stands up and slings his bag back over his shoulder with a little huff and a sigh. “You’re coming, right?”

Goro, too, stands up. “Of course I’m coming.” 

A smile breaks out across Ren’s face. “Good,” he says. “Because it’s my turn to pay.”

* * *

Ren and Goro got a snack together.

It was a pretty small snack. They get some takoyaki to share all the way out in Kichijoji, which might seem like a pretty far distance just to get something to eat, but. It’s what Ren wanted, and Goro doesn’t really mind traveling around with him, so this is where they went.

They got their food and found a place to sit down at a nearby outside table. The sun was hot above their heads, and they did a great deal of complaining about it—complaining and eating. Goro thinks that he’s earned the right to do some complaining, especially after jogging in the sun for an hour and a half and nearly roasting to death. Goro felt like a rotisserie chicken.

They ate the takoyaki and reminisced. There were a few things to reminisce about—the first being Kichijoji itself. They were seated just a short distance away from the jazz club that Goro used to take Ren to, and the two of them looked back on those days with a lot of fondness. 

Hearing Ren talk about how much he enjoyed spending time there was like music to Goro’s ears—he couldn’t be happier, couldn’t be more pleased to hear such a thing. Especially because he too looks back on those memories with a great deal of fondness. In fact—the days that Goro spent with Ren back then were typically his best days. They were the days where he felt most like himself, where he felt as though he could walk without his head unscrewing and cracking open.

In addition to talking about the jazz club, they also talked about the wonderful takoyaki incident that occured at the Shujin school festival. This is a memory that, unfortunately, Goro does not remember as happily as he does the jazz club, because it was quite embarrassing. It sounds as though Ren and his friends got quite a kick out of it, though, and Goro doesn’t blame them—were their roles reversed, he probably would have found it to be funny, too.

At least now he can look back on that and laugh. For a while, Goro found it impossible to laugh at himself and his misfortunes. But now that he has found the ability to do so, he’s been able to feel much better about a lot of terrible, horrible things. Comedy, as it turns out, is a useful tool.

That’s something he needs to keep in mind in the future.

The two of them eat their takoyaki and laugh and complain and reminisce and so on and so forth. They do this for a little over an hour, and by the time they’ve finished, the day has progressed into late afternoon. 

“It’s much cooler now,” Ren says, gesturing up at the sky with his right hand while he holds his phone in the other.

Goro is reading an article on peanut allergies, barely paying attention. “Sorry?”

“I said, it’s much cooler now. I’m sweating a lot less than I was before.”

Goro shuts his phone off and sets it down on the table. He can read that article another time. “Oh, right. Me as well. I’m glad, because it has been a very hot day.”

“That it has. And yet you chose to wear long pants.”

“Mm, well. I don’t know what I was thinking. I had it in my head that it wouldn’t actually be too hot, and that I would likely be fine. And I am fine, but—I certainly made it harder on myself.”

“You strike me as someone who isn’t great at tolerating the heat.” Ren smiles. “Wait, no—let me amend my statement. You strike me as someone who isn’t great at tolerating the heat, but also as someone who  _ thinks  _ and  _ acts  _ like they can tolerate it. In actuality, you just make yourself suffer because of your stubbornness.”

“My. When did you become a psychologist?” Goro asks, raising an amused eyebrow. “I can’t deny that everything you’ve just said is true, because it is. I like to pretend that I’m more resistant to the heat than I actually am.”

“Yeah, I figured. Want to know how I can tell?”

Goro leans forward. “Try me.”

“Because when we were younger, you sometimes wore sweaters in the summertime,” Ren says, matter-of-factly. “It was really weird. And looked super uncomfortable. I have no idea how you did it.”

_ So observant.  _ Goro wonders if Ren realizes how smart he is. “I admit, at times it was uncomfortable. I suppose I just wanted to act as though I were indestructible.”

Ren gives a little laugh. “You definitely succeeded in doing that.”

They lapse into a brief silence, broken only by Ren’s  _ I’m gonna throw out our trash _ , wherein he takes their takoyaki container and goes to throw it in a nearby garbage bin. Goro watches him from behind, eyes drifting to Ren’s long, lean legs and the muscles lining his arms.

He swallows and looks back at the table.

Ren sits back down with a soft huff and Goro’s attention immediately snaps back up to him. “I was thinking,” Ren says, touching the ends of his hair, “about you.”

All at once, Goro’s throat goes completely dry. He licks his lips. “Were you?”

“Yeah. Y’know, it’s Yusuke’s turn to cook dinner tonight… and I was wondering whether or not you would want to join us? I’m asking now so that I can let him know.”

_Say no,_ says the evil voice in Goro’s head. _Say no. You better say no. You better say no. You better say no. You better say—_

“Sure,” Goro says instead, forcing a smile to hide his internal debate. “Kitagawa-kun won’t mind?”

“Nah, probably not. He’s been talking about wanting to see you, actually.”

“Has he?”

“Yeah. I think he’s interested in your college life. Yusuke is like that—he always wants to know the little details of people’s lives.”

“Well. I would be… more than happy to talk to him about it,” Goro says, and he’s lying a little bit. Quite honestly, the thought of having a conversation with Yusuke at even a mildly personal level is quite... irritating, but. He’s already said yes, and Ren is smiling wide, so there’s no backing out now.

“Great.” Ren picks his phone up. “I’ll just text him and let him know and then we can head over in a little bit. Sounds good?”

“Wonderful,” Goro replies, voice the epitome of  _ false sweetness.  _ He hates himself for hearing that tone again, so he amends it. “I’m curious to see what your apartment looks like.”

“It’s pretty messy compared to yours. Don’t be too harsh on me.” 

Goro smirks. “No promises.”

* * *

According to Ren, Yusuke is positively ecstatic to hear that Goro has an interest in coming over for dinner, which  _ must  _ be a good sign friendship-wise. Goro isn’t particularly sure how excited he himself is, but he supposes that will be determined the moment he steps into their shared apartment.

Speaking of their shared apartment—Goro is standing outside of it right now, waiting for Ren to unlock the door. After they communicated with Yusuke, the two of them loitered around in Kichijoji for a little while longer, checking out the shops and wandering back and forth in front of the jazz club, figuring that it would be better to go inside when they both have more free time on their hands.

All-in-all, it’s been a pretty good day. 

It would be an even better day if Ren could just unlock his apartment door. The hallway that they’re standing in is positively un-air conditioned, and Goro is back to feeling just as sweaty as he was before. He fans his face with a loose hand and watches Ren struggle to punch in his door pin for the third time before  _ finally  _ shoving the handle down with all of his weight. The door makes a brief sticking sound and then opens right up, and Goro heaves a sigh of relief.

“Er, sorry,” Ren says, clearly very embarrassed. “I’m kind of distracted. I can’t stop wondering what you’re going to think of the apartment, so I guess I got a little… nervous.” He laughs awkwardly.

Goro is mildly surprised by Ren’s confession, but opts not to make fun of him. “You can count on me to critique your living area,” he says, unsure how else to respond.

“Yeah, I bet. Go ahead in.” Ren gestures with his hand to go inside and Goro follow suit, stepping through the doorway. He slides his shoes off and pads into the main area. He can hear the door shut behind him.

It’s a nice apartment for the location. Rent in Akibahara is nothing short of  _ insanely expensive,  _ but Goro supposes that it must not be that bad with two people sharing a place. Not to mention—Ren hasn’t said anything about this, but Goro did some digging and discovered that Yusuke seems to be pretty famous in the art world as of right now. Which: good for him. From the sounds of it, it is well-deserved fame.

Goro doesn’t really understand art, nor does he want to make an effort to understand art, but he’s more or less happy for Yusuke nonetheless.

The first thing that Goro notes about the apartment is how many decorations are on the wall. The thin entrance hallway is lined with paintings and posters; barely any of the wall itself can be seen underneath all of the coverings. Goro walks down the hallway a little bit and notes the two closed door on the left side—the bedrooms, he assumes—and the two other doors on the right side, one of which is shut and labelled “BATHROOM” in thick print. 

The other door is slid open. When Goro peeks into it, he notes that this is the kitchen area. It’s a nice kitchen, but it’s an absolute  _ mess.  _ There are dishes piled all over the place, papers littered on top of the counter spaces, and not to mention— 

“Akechi-kun,” a voice suddenly says, and Goro nearly jumps out of his socks. He turns his attention away from the kitchen and to the very end of the hallway, which opens up into a slightly larger living room space, complete with a kitchen table. Yusuke is standing by the table, cleaning some papers off of it. 

“Hello,” Goro says, voice thin. “Kitagawa-kun.”

Yusuke looks Goro up and down. “You look well. Sweaty, but well.” 

“I went for a jog,” he quickly explains, feeling the need to defend himself and his sweatiness. “You look well yourself.”

“I try,” Yusuke says. He seems more confident than he used to be. “You’ve arrived just at the right time. I am just going to clear off the table, and then dinner will be ready.”

“I—”

“I’m gonna show Goro around the apartment in the meantime,” Ren interrupts, clapping a hand on Goro’s shoulder so hard that he nearly jumps out of his socks  _ again.  _ So much for letting his guard down; that doesn’t seem to be an option right now. “And by the apartment, I mean my room. Come on.”

And then—it happens. It happens in slow motion, Goro thinks it  _ must  _ be slow motion, because there isn’t any other explanation for the way that time warps itself. Ren reaches out for Goro’s wrist and grabs it, and their palms brush against one another oh-so-lightly, as if they were two feathers dusting against each other. Before Goro can process the sensation Ren is tugging him back down the hall and back to one of the shut doors, which he slides open before proceeding to all but shove Goro inside.

Time resumes its normal pace, and Goro is utterly disoriented. His hand feels as though it has pins and needles in it. 

“Tell me what you think,” Ren is saying, swaying back and forth on his heels. He must really, genuinely want to know what Goro thinks of his room, otherwise he wouldn’t be acting like… this.

And—well. It’s a pretty nice room, truthfully. Well lived-in, well used. Like a real home. The bed is unmade and is composed of black pillowcases on top of black sheets and a black fitted sheet. There are more posters in here—most seem to be music-related, but there are a couple of girly, out-of-place ones as well. Clothes are tossed here and there on the floor, and a shirt is draped over a large, round cushion chair in the corner of the room. On top of the dresser are piles and piles of magazines and books and comics.

It’s a lot to take in, simply put.

“It’s very you,” Goro says hesitantly, walking over to the dresser to get a closer look at all of the stuff piled on top of it. He notices something else—a framed photo of Ren and two adults sitting on the very edge of the dresser, as if it were shoved away on purpose. “Are those your parents?”

“Oh—uh, yeah, they are. I don’t… I don’t really like that picture, because it reminds me of a bad time, but I feel guilty hiding it away, so…” He laughs nervously. “Sorry, that’s a little personal.”

“It reminds you of a bad time?” Goro asks, not caring about how nosy he sounds.

“Yeah. We took this picture when I got back from Tokyo… y’know, when I was done serving my probation. It was forced. We look happy, but they wouldn’t talk to me normally for months even after everything was over. So it just makes me think of that.”

“You shouldn’t have to feel obligated to keep such a picture out in the open if you don’t want to,” Goro says, frowning. “Your guilt is fair, but it is also imagined. There are no real world consequences that will affect you if you choose to hide the photo.”

Goro turns around to face Ren, who has this look of absolute shock plastered on his face. It reads:  _ wow, I didn’t think that Goro would say something like that to me. _

“Right,” Ren says—or rather, breathes. “Maybe I’ll take it down, then.”

“Up to you,” Goro mumbles. This conversation is heading in a circular direction, and Goro most definitely doesn’t want that to happen, so he changes the subject. “So—is your room always in this state, then?”

“What, you mean like—is it always messy?”

“Yes, that.”

“Not always. It’s due for a cleaning. See, Goro, the thing with me is that I love to clean.”

Goro raises an amused eyebrow. “Is that so?”

“Yeah. I hate dust and dirt and things like that. I’m not so good at organizing things, though. But that’s a totally different concept, wouldn’t you say? Cleaning versus organizing?”

“I suppose you’re somewhat right,” Goro admits. He wishes that Ren wasn’t right, because Ren has been right about a lot of things lately, and it isn’t fair. Goro wants to be right about everything all the time, so this is really putting a damper on his mood. “I’m the opposite. I love to organize, but I hate cleaning. I hate touching dirt and dust and things like that. It’s disgusting.”

“Oh, it’s not that bad,” Ren says, waving a dismissive hand. “A little bit of dust never hurt anybody.”

“That’s only what you think.” Goro is starting to get a little bit frustrated, here—is Ren insinuating that he’s weak for not liking to touch dust? Is that it? Does he consider Goro to be helpless? Is that— 

“I’m only kidding. I get it. We all have our likes and dislikes. I don’t blame anybody for not liking cleaning, because that’s a pretty normal thing.”

_ Normal.  _ Right. Goro has to remind himself of that:  _ I’m normal. I’m normal.  _ Of course he is. “Well, anyway. Regardless of your lack of organization, I think that your room is nice. I don’t have any further critiques.”

“Awesome.” Ren smiles. “Y’know, I still haven’t seen your room yet. Out of all of my friends, you’re the only person whose bedroom I haven’t seen.”

“Perhaps you’ll be able to see it soon,” Goro murmurs, picking up a magazine and paging through it. It’s all sports stuff—something that he has absolutely no interest in. “Do you really read these?”

“Uh—I mean, I look at the pictures. Ryui gives them to me. I don’t know how to nicely tell him that I don’t care about sports that much.”

Ah—so Ren doesn’t like sports, either. Another similarity. “So polite of you.”

“It kind of just makes me feel like a pushover, but whatever. He gets so excited every time he hands me a new issue, I feel like I can’t do anything but nod and accept it.” He shrugs.

Goro pauses for a short moment, debating what he should say next. He’s never been… particularly fond of Ryuji, but he knows that he’s an important person in Ren’s life, so it would probably be in bad taste to make an insulting joke. 

Instead, he simply offers a halfassed smile. “Surely you don’t want to be a pushover. I’m sure he would understand if you were honest and told him you didn’t care about reading them.”

“Yeah, he probably would understand. But I’m still not gonna tell him.” Ren offers another halfassed smile in return.

And Goro has to wonder—is this just how Ren lives? As an ultimate people-pleaser? Goro knows that he himself used to be a major people pleaser, but ever since he stopped acting that way, his life has improved tenfold. Would the same happen to Ren if he decided to stop? Or does he prefer to live his life this way?

So many questions, and yet he won’t ask any of them.

“That’s your prerogative,” Goro decides on saying. He crosses his arms over his chest. “You know, you don’t have to—”

Whatever Goro is about to say—he’s not sure he knows himself—is interrupted by the sound of Yusuke’s voice calling out “dinner!” from down the hall. Ren and Goro look at one another, they blink, and then Ren smiles and Goro wonders if he’s going to melt into the floor.

“Let’s eat,” Ren says, sliding his door back open.

* * *

Dinner is good. It is rather uneventful, but it is good.

Yusuke asks Goro a plethora of questions, most of which he has already answered to Ren. He absolutely hates repeating himself, especially in regard to this sort of thing—why does nobody realize that asking a multitude of questions about one’s trauma is immensely draining?—but he keeps a straight face and replies fairly anyway, because he  _ is  _ the guest and Yusuke  _ did  _ go to the trouble of making an extra plate of food for him.

_ Where did you go? What happened to you? Did you die? Why didn’t you return to us sooner? Do you hate us? How did you survive? Do you— _

And so on and so forth. Yusuke asks some new questions, though, like _W_ _ hat did you go to college for ( _ “History.”)? __ and _W_ _ here do you work  _ (“At a museum, in preparation to eventually be an archivist.”) _?  _ The questioning is all good and fine, if not slightly awkward, but that’s nothing that Goro can’t handle.

The trouble comes when he has to say goodbye. 

Goro wants to stay. It’s a horrifying realization—that he doesn’t want to go back to his apartment just yet; he’d rather sit here and talk to Ren and just  _ be  _ in his company. But all good things must come to an end, he knows, and besides—they can hang out another time.

They have all the time in the world.

Saying goodbye is difficult and makes Goro feel lonely and anxious, but tomorrow is another day, and so is the day after that and the subsequent following days. The two of them no longer have any reason to secretly be at each other’s necks. They can be  _ humans.  _ They can care for one another wholly and truly and, well—Goro does. He always has, he knows that he has, but now… he can be honest about it.

Goro can be honest.  _ He can be honest.  _

And so he decides to take full advantage of this newfound honesty that he has been allowed. When he arrives back at his apartment, stomach still full from dinner, head still full of Ren’s words, heart still full of  _ something,  _ he pulls out his phone. He pulls out his phone, and sends Ren a message.

**Me | 8:23pm  
** I hate to ask already, but would you want to do something together tomorrow, perhaps? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up--I'm moving next weekend, so the likelihood of the next chapter being uploaded is low. I'll try my best, though!
> 
> thank you for reading as always!<3


	4. count what you have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ann quickly leans closer to Goro. “Put your arm around him,” she whispers, cupping one hand against her mouth.
> 
> “What?” Goro hisses. “No, I’m not doing that.”
> 
> “Come on, Akechi-kun, you can do it. You’re a brave guy!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for suicidal ideation & mentions of death & near-dear experiences

Several days pass—some feel long, others feel short, but the point is that time moves on—and Goro and Ren have fallen into a bit of a habit.

The habit goes like this: on the days that Goro works, his shift ends around the early afternoon. He and Ren get together for the remainder of the day and do whatever it is they feel like doing, whether that be jogging or getting food or wandering around Akihabara. It rains one day, and on this day, they sit inside of a small cafe and read books and say nearly nothing to each other because they don’t have to—the company is enough.

On the days that Ren works, his shift ends at nighttime. Ren also does this thing where he wakes up excruciatingly late, about an hour or so before his shift starts, so he and Goro don’t have much time to do things together, and Goro doesn’t want to ask Ren to sacrifice his juvenile sleeping habits just for them to spend time together. In exchange, he heads on over to Ren’s work, orders a coffee, bugs him for about thirty minutes, and then is on his way.

This happens every single day.

It feels like a special pattern that the two of them have. Goro goes to Ren, Ren goes to Goro. They spend an almost overwhelming amount of time together and become close faster than Goro thought was possible.

The thing is that despite having work friends and colleagues, Goro has yet to develop a truly strong relationship with anybody in his life. And Ren—lucky, lucky Ren—gets to be the first person to have such a bond with Goro. 

He tells Ren this one day.  _ I think you’re my closest friend,  _ he said, not really thinking too hard about the meaning behind those words as he held his cup of coffee up to his lips and sipped.

_ Really?  _ Ren had said.  _ Why’s that? _

_ I’ve never trusted someone as much as I trust you,  _ Goro had admitted, voice quiet. The weight of his words settled hard and heavy over his shoulders and, for a moment, he could feel his throat tightening up, a metaphorical allergic reaction to the honesty of his own words. What a personal thing to admit. 

But it was all right, because Ren only smiled and expressed that this was a nice thing to hear, and then they carried on as if the conversation had never happened. Goro could not help but wonder how frequently Ren thinks about this dialogue—did it mean much to him? Or did he only take Goro’s words at face value, and not examine what it meant underneath the surface?

It’s not something that Goro is going to ever ask him, but something that he wonders about nonetheless. After all, it’s hard to not think about the consequences of sharing such a confession to someone who was once, in a sense, his enemy.

_ Enemy. Rival.  _ The words seem to be interchangeable, and yet they are not. Enemy is cold and dark and distant, like water dripping off of stalactites deep in a cave. Enemy is foreboding and anxious, relentless in its attack on people. 

Rival, however, is different. Rival is complicated and confusing and interesting. It is like a wide lake, comfortable and inviting, full of life—moss and trees and bacterium that are a part of a bigger, more whole system. 

Maybe Ren and Goro aren’t rivals anymore, per se, but the competitive nature that has always existed between the two of them is still going strong. It manifests itself when they go for jogs (who can run fastest?) and it manifests when Goro buys his coffee (how quickly can Ren make his drink?) and it manifests when they eat food together, too. Nearly anything can be turned into a competition. 

And the best part of all of this is that it’s  _ fun. _

The more troublesome aspect is that Goro is growing more and more antsy. The emotions in his chest well up like a geyser whenever he spends time with Ren and threaten to spill over all at once without any warning. Goro makes it a point to avoid as much physical contact as he can with Ren because the moment they brush hands or hips and the moment Ren places a comforting hand on Goro’s shoulder is the moment when he feels as though he’s about to fall apart.

It’s a precarious situation.

Nevertheless, though, Goro is enjoying himself, and he doesn’t want his  _ feelings  _ to get in the way. So he squashes them. He squashes his years and years of built up feelings, squashes the warmth that he feels in his heart for Ren, squashes it so hard that it hurts.    


He doesn’t want to ruin this with his selfish emotions.

Feelings aside, Goro is happy. He is happier than he has been in years; he is more free than he has been in years, too. Finally he can be friends with Amamiya Ren without the threat looming over the two of them at multiple angles. Finally he can look at Ren and smile and it isn’t double edged, it doesn’t hide something more sinister and painful underneath.

Finally.

Today both Ren and Goro are off from work—a wonderful rarity. They’ve decided to meet up together outside of the hair salon that Ann works at, because she requested to come along and join them on their walk today. Truthfully, Goro would rather her  _ not  _ tag along because he is grouchy and doesn’t know how the hell he’s supposed to talk to her, but saying this to Ren would make him upset and so he’s just going to have to deal with it.

It’ll be fine. He will make small talk with Ann, compliment her clothes, perhaps, and it will be quaint and nice and there will be no problems at all.

Goro and Ren are both in Shibuya right now, waiting together outside of the hair salon. Ann’s shift ends in approximately four minutes, but she’s probably going to need some time to settle, so Goro is guessing that they’ll be waiting a little bit longer than that.

“How was work yesterday?” Goro asks while they wait. They’re seated on a little bench just outside of the salon, and their knees are dangerously close to touching.

“Huh? Oh, it was fine, I guess. I got one really nasty customer at the end of the day, actually.”

“Nasty? How so?”   
  
“Apparently I didn’t make her coffee hot enough,” Ren says with a sigh. “So I had to remake it for her—twice. She told me that it wasn’t hot enough  _ twice.  _ I can get it being once, y’know. Maybe I actually did screw it up and not make it hot enough. But twice is just… annoying.”

“She had a miserable day and wanted to take it out of somebody,” Goro guesses. “I feel as though that’s the case for most terrible customers, in retail or cafes or otherwise. Always the ones who feel entitled enough to take their frustration out on other people.”

“Hmm.” Ren shrugs. “Yeah, probably. I try not to care too hard about it because I don’t think I’ll ever see her again, but. Sometimes it’s hard to not replay the horrible things that people say to you.”

“You’re right,” Goro says, and he’s only being partially honest. Quite truthfully, Goro hates himself too much to not really be bothered by other peoples’ insults anymore. The only person that can hurt him these days, he has found, is himself. It happens when he gets caught up in thought loops, when he thinks too long and too hard about the things that he has done. Being out in public with Ren like this is nice because he has a constant distraction from those thoughts—the problem comes when he is home alone by himself at nighttime.

Nightmares don’t haunt Goro as much as they used to, but ghosts certainly do. Sometimes, when he’s having a really, really bad night, he can feel them watching him. He can feel their arms crawling up the walls and the sides of his bed, yanking the blankets down tight, trapping him there to rot for days and days and weeks. Shadow hands reach up and tighten their grip around his neck, squeezing shut, threatening to crush his esophagus.

Goro doesn’t think that he’ll ever escape from that. Too frightened to confront his trauma again like he had a few years ago, he represses it instead, and deals with the repercussions of repression. He must be strangled and suffocated and held still at night sometimes in order to make up for his atrocities, in order to make up for refusing to face those atrocities. 

He ruined his life. Goro ruined his life; or at least, he ruined a major part of it. His brain has become a mess of knotted wire and dying matter and it hurts sometimes, to hold things like his phone or a thermos because he can  _ feel  _ the weight of a gun in his hand in its place, can feel a phantom motion of him lifting his hand up to his head, can picture holding the barrel against his temple, can imagine pressing down on the trigger, the sound of blood splattering all over the walls and the and the and the and the and the— 

He realizes, suddenly, that Ren is saying something to him. Goro blinks once, twice, and turns his head to look at him. Ren has this horrible look on his face of  _ worry  _ and it makes Goro want to run and hide under a manhole. Instead he frowns. “What?”

“I was talking and you weren’t saying anything. You were just staring off into space.”

“Oh, um.” Goro tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. “I was just… thinking about something. Don’t worry about it. What were you saying?”

Ren’s face is morphing into something upsetting, and Goro doesn’t know what to do about it. His head still feels like it’s spinning, brain still feels like it’s splitting in half. He looks down at his hands—he’s holding his phone in one of them—and immediately pockets the phone, desperate to rid himself of whatever feeling he just experienced. 

“It’s nothing,” Ren mumbles. “Never mind.”

Goro doesn’t like the sound of that. “No, tell me.” 

For a moment, Ren says nothing, only exhales harshly through his nose and looks down at his lap. He gives in after a few seconds. “I was just saying that… I’ve always had to deal with people being shitty to me, especially in school. And I kind of always just… had to deal with it. I didn’t have any other choice but to face it. I guess that I wish I could have let myself be upset about all of that rather than pretend that it wasn’t happening at all.”

“Why is that?” Goro asks, trying to get him to keep talking.

“I’m not really sure. I just—it made me feel so… inhuman. Like I was just some robot that had to take it and not complain, you know?”

“That makes sense,” Goro says, and his voice has quieted down now to something more sad and soft. “Do you still feel that way?”

“Yeah, I do. Usually. I dunno. I should see a therapist.” He laughs, awkward, and Goro frowns.

He opens his mouth to offer some sort of reassurance, but is cut short by the sound of the salon door suddenly opening. Ann emerges, a bright, sunny smile on her face, and gives a wave to Ren and Goro. She steps on over in front of the two of them. “Hey guys!”

Goro keeps his eyes trained on Ren, who looks as though he’s about to be sick. “Hey, Ann,” Ren says, somehow keeping his voice steady. “Was work good?”

“Yeah, I had a pretty good shift today!” Ann continues to smile. She shifts her attention to Goro. “And—hey, Akechi-kun! It’s really, really good to see you. I wondered for a long time about your whereabouts and how you were doing, sooo… I'm glad to know that you’re okay.”

Goro’s mouth is suddenly dry as a bone. “Thanks,” he says, and it doesn’t sound genuine at all but he doesn’t care enough to worry about it.

“I’m just going to go to the bathroom before we leave,” Ren says, standing up, face still appearing sickly. “I’ll be right back.”

Before Goro can ask if he’s all right, Ren disappears into the salon, and Goro is left alone with Ann. She spares absolutely no time for subtlety and takes a seat right next to Goro, crossing one of her legs over the other and folding her hands together in her lap.

“Hey Akechi-kun,” she says again.

“Takamaki-san.” Goro sighs. “You seem to be doing well.”

“Yeah, I’m doing pretty good! What about you? How has life been treating you?”

This is always such a troubling question for Goro because the answer is so layered. On one hand, he’s happier than he has been in a very long time, but on the other hand, he still feels as though he’s struggling with finding the will to live more than the average person. 

“Mediocrely,” he settles on saying. “But not horrible. After all, I’ve been reunited with Ren.”

A gigantic, knowing smile immediately spreads across Ann’s face, and Goro instantly knows that he shouldn’t have said that. “You could have found him sooner, y’know. You know where Leblanc is, after all.” 

Goro sighs. This conversation again. “I thought that it would be for the best if we were to stay separated, but it seems as though I was wrong.”

“Yeah, you were wrong. You always seem like you’re having such a fun time around Ren… it’s nice to see.”

“How would you know that?” 

“Just based on how you used to act around one another. Akechi-kun, I’m sure that you think of me as some stupid girl, but I want you to know that I’m  _ very  _ observant.” She winks. “Ren might not be able to see right through you, but I certainly can.”

Goro coughs, unsure what the fuck he’s supposed to say or do. 

“I’m just playing around, though. I won’t keep teasing you if you—”

“No,” Goro interrupts suddenly, the word falling out of his mouth without him even realizing it. His throat feels like it is filling up with hay. “I… no.”

“Um.” Ann raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean, no?”

“You’re right,” Goro says. He isn’t in control of his brain right now. His mouth is moving on its own; he can’t seem to stop it. “You’re right, Takamaki-san, and you should say it. I like Ren. I really do. He means so much to me, more than I will ever be able to explain.”   


Ann blinks. She appears stunned, as if Goro is an acrobat and she has just watched him do something absolutely spectacular. 

“I’ve always liked him,” he confesses. “Well—not always, I suppose. But shortly after we met, I realized that I… I realized how special he was to me. And I ruined our bond with my own two hands. I cannot let my feelings get in the way of our friendship again.”

“I think you’d be a cute couple, for what it’s worth,” Ann says.

“It’s just not possible. Like I said, I don’t want to ruin what we have between us. I’ve done that enough already. I just—um. I just had to hear myself confess this aloud, I suppose. Sorry for being so abrupt.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s kind of entertaining, to be honest.” Ann laughs a little bit, and Goro frowns. “Kidding, though. Glad to be of support.”

“I have a habit of dumping personal stories and feelings on people all at once,” Goro mumbles, slightly embarrassed. He hasn’t seen Ann in  _ years  _ and the first conversation he has with her is a confession of feelings for another man? How juvenile. “It won’t happen again.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Seriously. Ren is my good friend, but I want you to be my good friend too. I want to be someone you can trust! And I’m not gonna share your secret with Ren or with anybody else for that matter.” She offers a small smile. “Don’t overthink it.”

“Right.” Goro swallows, feeling immeasurably awkward now. At least Ann is being a good sport about all of this. “Well, again. Thanks for listening.”

He scrunches up his face and stares at his hands again, unable to stop frowning. He feels so… out-of-control whenever he is around the Phantom Thieves. It’s like he becomes nonautonomous, unable to help what he is saying and doing and feeling. It’s as though the only thing he is capable of doing is making himself into a fool time and time again. 

It makes him feel ridiculous. Just a short while ago, he was telling himself how he  _ wasn’t  _ looking forward to seeing Ann today, how he  _ didn’t  _ want to get close to her, and yet here he is, doing things that are the exact opposite of those sentiments. 

Oh well, he supposes. This is just how it is now. 

“Anytime!” Ann says, smacking her knees with her palms. “I’m here if you need anything.”

The salon door opens back up and Ren emerges, looking significantly less ill than he had a few moments ago. He waves pointlessly. “Thanks for waiting,” he says. “It smells so nice in there.”

“We’re using lemon cookie candles,” Ann explains, standing up from the bench. Goro follows suit. “Wasn’t my idea. If it were me I would have used a flower scented candle instead.”

“I’m sure you’ll get your turn,” Ren says, patting her on the shoulder a few times. “Anyway—ready to go? I was thinking that we could walk around a little bit and then buy some crepes and find a place to sit down or something?”

“There’s a crepe place nearby, so that works.” Ann points to wherever it is that this crepe place is. “We can order three of them and split them all. How’s that sound?”

“Great,” Ren says.

“Fine,” Goro says. He meant to be more enthusiastic but failed, apparently.

“Okay!” Ann claps her hands together. “Then let’s get going.”

* * *

They do exactly what Ann suggested—buy three crepes and split them amongst one another.

It’s a bittersweet experience, quite truthfully, because Goro has never done something like this before with—sharing food, that is. He’s shared food with colleagues and so on, but never with people that he actually considers real, true friends. 

It is both depressing as well as gratifying. Because at least now Goro feels as though he is finally experiencing normal friendship things rather than slightly awkward acquaintance things. There’s a big difference between the two, he knows, and is somewhat startled by how simple all of this feels. 

Well—no matter. The important part is that he is here, doing things with people, and that he hasn’t further isolated himself from Ren out of self-pity. That’s the important part. It is probably best not to linger on the fact that he hasn’t had many friends for the majority of his life, because that is sad at best and misery-inducing at worst.

They’re sitting together on a small bench now, with Ren in the middle and Goro and Ann sitting beside him. Goro watches the way that Ann leans over Ren when they talk to one another—so comfortable in one another’s space, so touchy, knees bumping together and shoulders touching and Ann smacking Ren’s arm whenever he says something particularly ridiculous.    


Goro compares it to himself and his own body language—reserved, contained. Uptight, even, in the way that he keeps a distance from Ren. Any touch is like a lightning bolt. He’s not sure how long it’s going to be this way.

Part of Goro hopes that one day these feelings will go away, but he’s not sure about the likelihood of that. He’s yearned for Ren for years and years now, occasionally indulging himself by thinking about him before he goes to sleep. He thinks about his hands and his eyes and his jaw and the way his mouth moves when he speaks. And he thinks about his nose, too, and how it twitches when he doesn’t want to talk about something. Ren has so many little isms that Goro has noticed even over the past few weeks.

He can’t help but pay close attention.

When they were younger it was similar. Goro made note of all of Ren’s little quirks and facial expressions, from the way he touched the ends of his hair when he was bashful or proud to the way his forehead scrunched up when he was disgusted or confused. It was always the little things that stuck out the most to him. Of course, he would never share this information with anybody else besides himself, but—it’s nice to keep track in his head, anyway.

Part of him wonders if Ren does the same for him.

Unlikely. But it’s a nice thought to entertain because it makes Goro feel wanted and cared for. 

“Akechi-kun,” Ann says, and it breaks his attention away from his thoughts, “can we exchange phone numbers?”

“Oh, um.” Goro pulls his phone out from his pocket and opens it up. “Sure. Your number?”

Ann reads off her number, Goro enters it into his contact book, and then sends Ann a message to let her know it’s him. “Thanks,” she says, smiling as her phone dings. She must really, genuinely want to be friends with him, huh? Goro is surprised.

Ren finishes off the last bit of crepe that he’s eating and crumples up the paper into his hand until it’s a small ball. “Any other trash?” he asks, holding a hand out expectantly. Goro, too, quickly finishes off the rest of his crepe and hands Ren his garbage; Ann does the same. Ren stands, says  _ I’ll be right back,  _ and then heads for the trash can.

Ann quickly leans closer to Goro. “Put your arm around him,” she whispers, cupping one hand against her mouth.

“What?” Goro hisses. “No, I’m not doing that.”

“Come  _ on,  _ Akechi-kun, you can do it. You’re a brave guy!”   
  
“I’m not doing that,” he says through gritted teeth.

“I’m telling you that you should. You’d be surprised to see what happens. I think that it would be good for your self esteem—”

“Don’t tell me what’s good or what’s not good for my self esteem,” Goro says, and at this point he’s whisper-shouting.

Ann leans back and sighs. “You should do it,” she says one last time before Ren comes back over and sits down in his spot.

“He should do what?” he asks, raising a curious eyebrow. 

“Buy himself a pint of ice cream for later tonight,” Ann says, and Goro is shocked by how easily the lie flies off of her tongue. “He’s having an internal debate with himself because he’s already had crepes today.”

“Just buy the ice cream,” Ren says. It’s a little hard to focus on what he’s saying, though, because Ann is staring at him with these big, round and expectant eyes, glancing to and from Ren’s shoulder and Goro’s arm. She’s doing a great job being totally unsubtle while also being very subtle. 

Goro thinks that he has underestimated Ann.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe he should just do it and put his arm around Ren. It’s no big deal, is it? It’s just an arm. It’s just a shoulder. It shouldn’t have to be a bigger issue than it actually is. In fact, it  _ isn’t  _ a bigger issue than it actually is.

His stomach feels like it has flipped itself upside down.  He looks at Ann for some reassurance and she blinks expectantly, mid-conversation with Ren.

Well.

Goro decides to throw caution to the wind and just does it. He wraps an arm around Ren’s shoulder, all in one quick motion, and leans into it so that it looks more like he’s sitting this way to listen to the conversation better rather than for another reason. Ren doesn’t do anything—doesn’t mention it, doesn’t bat an eyelash, doesn’t even flinch—he simply keeps talking to Ann. They’re talking about ice cream or something, Goro thinks. He hasn’t really been paying attention.

“So you’re gonna buy it for yourself, right?” Ann asks, smiling wide.

“Yeah,” Goro says, and he cannot help himself from smiling  _ just  _ a tiny, tiny bit. “I suppose I will. I don’t treat myself very often, so technically it’s fair.”

“Definitely fair,” Ann says.

“Yeah. Plus, you’re not obligated to eat it all in one sitting or whatever.” Ren shrugs. “We can always go running tomorrow if you’re up for it. To burn off those calories.”

“Perhaps. I have work tomorrow, but we could do it in the evening, if you like.”

Ren nods. “Sure. It’ll be less hot by then anyway.”

From where he’s sitting, Goro can get a good look at Ann’s facial expression—and she is the  _ picture  _ of smug. He furrows his brows. “Sounds good,” he says, and there isn’t a trace of frustration in his voice.

It’s been a while since Goro has had a need to show off his public speaking skills, but the skills are still very much present. It’s sort of just a natural gift he’s been given at his point, even though that sounds a little bit pretentious. But he doesn’t particularly care, because it’s true—Goro is great at speaking in front of crowds, and is great at concealing his emotions in his speech. He hasn’t had much of a reason to use this skill as of late, but. It’s there for when he needs it.

“What flavor are you going to get?” Ren asks, turning his head to look at Goro, and oh—they are  _ so  _ close to one another. Impossibly close. It makes Goro’s eye twitch.

“Not sure,” he says, leaning back just a little bit. “Any suggestions?”

“Mint is my go-to,” Ren says. “But I dunno if that’s your thing. You seem like a pistachio person to me.”

Goro very nearly splutters. “Pistachio?"

“Yeah. I dunno. I feel like that’s a more… refined ice cream flavor. And you’re pretty refined, right?”

“I feel like he’s more of a disaster underneath all that distinguishedness,” Ann chirps. “Probably, anyway.”

“Right, well.” Goro sighs. “Whatever.”

And then Ann laughs, and Ren laughs, and Goro sort of laughs too, in that awkward, uncertain way of his. And he keeps his arm wrapped around Ren’s shoulder and it stays there, comfortably, until the three of them part ways and go home.

* * *

Even though Ann was just lying about it, Goro buys himself a small tub of ice cream on his way home anyway, just because he feels like it. Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be any pistachio flavored ones, so instead he opts to buy chocolate instead. By the time he’s finished paying and everything, the sky is nearly completely dark, and the sound of crickets reverberate through his ear drums.

Goro has always been a person who pays very close attention to detail, but at the same time, he’s never been one to think too particularly hard about the details that he sees unless they are truly pertinent to his life. In other words—he’s never really sat down and thought about the greater implications of crickets chirping. Recently, though, he feels as though he’s started to do a little bit of that. He’s appreciating the world around him.

Escaping death multiple times is a feat that not many can say they’ve experienced. And when he was a teenager, Goro didn’t particularly care for life at all, so it wasn’t a massive deal that he was escaping death. Life was stinging—painful—and life was empty and life was dim, dreary. Every day was a waking nightmare, Goro had thought, and there was absolutely no escaping that nightmare save for in death. This is why he was never truly averse to dying—because he didn’t care about his own life enough for it to make a difference.

And even today, this is something that he still struggles with. Not only does he have a hard time attributing any meaning to his life, but he also has a hard time finding things to keep him going. Sure, he’s got his job and colleagues and the promise of a job in the future, but… it’s never felt like enough. He wonders if that’s him being insatiable, wonders if it’s his own selfish fault—he wonders if it isn’t just the general depression and mania that he so frequently swings between.

Regardless of all that, though—he’s making more of an effort to appreciate the things around him, big and small. From the crickets to the clouds in the sky to the sound of footsteps on pavement, everything has its own meaning and its own weight, both good and bad. Goro is not a superstitious person, but he cannot help and attribute certain things to certain qualities; there are good omens and then there are bad omens. It all depends on what is happening around him.

Maybe this is why he’s been paying such close attention to Ren lately. Either that or it’s because he cannot stop thinking about Ren in general.

When he gets back to his apartment, the sky has gone totally dark. He flicks the lights on, slides his shoes off, and immediately heads for his bed, removing his pants and tossing them onto a chair before falling face down onto the bed, the ice cream dropping beside him. 

He lets out a heavy sigh into the blankets that his face is pressed up against.

Then he rolls over onto his back and holds the ice cream in his hands up above his head. He turns the container around, reading the nutrition facts on the back, hands growing slightly cold from the dripping condensation on the sides.

“Am I doing the right thing?” he asks the ice cream tub. “Should I give up? I can’t help but think that what I’m doing isn’t fair. I’ve fucked up things with Ren before; I still don’t even know what he thinks about all of that or if he’s forgiven me or anything. I feel selfish.”

The ice cream container says nothing. Goro swallows. “I feel so selfish,” he repeats, and his voice is nothing but a whisper this time. “Sometimes I think that no matter what I do, I’ll never be able to escape from the things I did before. And some of it… I don’t regret. I don’t regret killing horrible people. I don’t regret it. Am I supposed to?” He sighs. “I regret what I did to Ren, though.”

He’s never said any of this aloud before to anybody before—not a single soul. And he’s still not really saying it to anybody right now, because this container of ice cream is not sentient and cannot understand what he is saying, but it feels a little bit better to hear himself speak anyway.

“I regret it,” he echoes. “I worry that I’m a monster. I worry that I haven’t changed at all and that I’ve only created a delusion that I’m better than I was before. Because—because—things are still bad. They’re still bad. I still feel bad all the time, I just pretend that I don’t so that it’s easier to do things, and I just wonder if—”

He stops himself and takes a big, shaky breath. This is starting to do more harm than good, he realizes; all that he’s succeeding in doing right now is upsetting himself even more than he already was. But the words keep spilling out. He cannot help the way that they drip out of his mouth like blood. It funnels itself out of his tarred chest and into the atmosphere, poisoning the room he lays in.

_ So dramatic,  _ he thinks to himself, feeling lousy. His eyes shift back to the ice cream container. “What am I supposed to do?” he asks it. “I’m going to be a horrible shitty person until I die and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m selfish and heartless and—I don’t have any real direction in my life save for this linear career path that I’ve set myself on, I don’t particularly care about myself or my future in a tangible sense, and I wonder if the only way I’ll be able to be better is if—”

If… what?

Goro sighs again and sits up, setting the ice cream down on his bed. His chest is all tight now, and it’s clear that he should stop talking about this before he gets really, genuinely upset. What a pathetic sight, he thinks to himself—confessing feelings of self-hatred and inadequacy to an  _ ice cream container  _ of all possible things. It’s not even a real person. Not even an animal.

Sometimes Goro feels like he has nothing.

And what’s worse—he’s starting to get a feeling that something terrible is going to happen someday soon. Part of him wonders if this is just him catastrophizing, but another part feels as though this vague feeling of worry is justified.

Well, no matter. It’s best to stop thinking about all of this anyway.

He gets up from bed and heads into the kitchen to store the ice cream away. He’ll have some later tonight, perhaps, or maybe tomorrow morning, depending on how he’s feeling.

In the meantime, he’s going to shower, and then he’s going to dig around his kitchen for something to eat, he’s going to stare at his book and pretend to read it for a while, and then he will fitfully fall asleep and dream of nothing at all. That’s what he wants to be right now—nothing at all.

Yes. This sounds like a good plan for tonight. 


	5. last summer whisper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was simple: Goro stopped taking care of himself, so he also stopped taking care of his plant. The plant was dying. He was dying. It’s all so very easy to understand; this level of irony is absolutely hilarious, in his opinion. 

Today Goro is going to Leblanc.

Neither he nor Ren are working today, which is nice and convenient. Normally the two of them would go on a run, but today it is raining for the first time in ages so their plans are shot. Not that Goro is particularly upset about this, because the earth has been getting pretty dry from the lack of rainwater and so this is a desperately needed thing. On his way home from the train station he’s noticed that all of the flower beds up against people’s windows are half-dead or completely shrivelled up, and it’s a bit of a dismal thing to see.

Goro tried to take care of a plant once. Well—actually, he’s tried to take care of a plant twice.

The first time he tried taking care of a plant was back when he worked under Shido. He had just purchased his first apartment (rather—Shido had) and was no longer living under supervision of fake parents (now he was living under the iron grip of another man), so he was excited for his newfound independence (he convinced himself so). He bought himself a small plant at the store—just some simple ivy—and took it home with him. He was very excited; he even went and bought some paints and painted the outside of the pot.

This was back when he still had a small amount of will to live.

After about a year and a half, though, the plant saw a major decline in health. No longer was it a beautiful, healthy green; rather, it started turning a bleached yellow color and the ends were dying, falling off in little pieces onto his table. In all honesty, it wasn’t a surprise—the plant was dying because he wasn’t taking care of it anymore.

Day after day, he forgot to water it. Goro would stay out of his apartment all day long, working, running around, and then he would return home and eat a fast dinner and collapse onto his bed.  _ I’ll water it tomorrow,  _ he would tell himself in his exhaustion. He told himself this every day and usually never got around to it. 

It was simple: Goro stopped taking care of himself, so he also stopped taking care of his plant. The plant was dying. He was dying. It’s all so very easy to understand; this level of irony is absolutely hilarious, in his opinion. 

After a while, the plant completely died. He threw the remains away into the garbage and a week later infiltrated Shido’s palace.

What a wonderful metaphor he had created for himself.

The second time he owned a plant was a few years ago, and something similar had happened. He bought the plant and took it home to his, at the time, new apartment, with a great determination to take care of it this time. This plant would last for years and years to come, Goro had told himself.

But it didn’t. The plant died shortly after he bought it. He took care of the plant pretty well, watering it frequently and giving it an adequate amount of sunlight, but still it shrivelled up and died. Goro was inconsolable over this plant, and he feels embarrassed to recall the memory, but he really was upset. He convinced himself that he couldn’t bring life to anything—he could only destroy life, could only ruin things. This mindset plagued him for weeks and weeks, all because of a stupid dingy little plant that probably had a parasite or something. 

When it died, he took the remains to a park and tossed it into a lake, hoping that it would at least biodegrade and provide some nutrients for whatever animal life was living in the pond. He’s not actually sure if that’s what happened, but there is no way for him to know.

That was it for his plants, though. He hasn’t bought another one since then, too worried that events would repeat themselves, and Goro doesn’t want to be needlessly upset over a plant of all things again. Even now he cannot believe how sad it made him.

Regardless, though—the rain. Even though the rain put a hold on their running plans, the city is in desperate need of some hydration, so it’s fine.

He has stopped by the small grocery store just down the street from Leblanc to pick up some apples, because Ren had asked for them. Well—apparently Sojiro asked for them, but Ren was already out doing something else, so Goro picked them up instead. He exits the store, apples in hand in a brown bag, and opens up his umbrella. He likes the sound that the rain makes against it:  _ patterpatterpatter.  _

When he gets to the Leblanc door, he opens it up and immediately begins to close his umbrella, manhandling it in his frustration. He glances up, still only halfway inside, and is greeted by a sight that he wasn’t expecting:   
  
Sakura Futaba.

She looks a lot different than she used to. Her hair is much shorter now, about one third of the length that it used to be. It doesn’t appear that she’s gotten any taller, which is a bit funny, and she’s wearing a black t-shirt with some funky graphic on the front of it, so her clothing choice appears to not have changed much, either. The differences mostly lie in her face: her glasses are different, her jaw is more rounded, she’s less worryingly thin than she used to her, and her eyes are glowing. 

Goro is rendered speechless by the difference. She looks… happier.

“Can you close the door?” she says to him. “You’re letting in more of the hot air.”

“Oh, um.” Goro steps inside, manages to shut his umbrella, and lets the door shut behind him. He places his umbrella down in a little bucket and stands there, not really sure what he should be doing.

After all, it’s  _ Futaba. _

“You’re a lot more timid than you used to be,” Futaba says, and Goro’s face instantly warps itself into a massive frown. 

“I’m not timid,” he grumbles, sitting down at the booth next to Futaba’s, setting the apples down on the counter before he does so. Sojiro nods a  _ thanks _ at him, and Goro gives a vague nod in return.

He sighs and pulls out his phone. It’s only two in the afternoon. There’s still a lot of time left in the day.

Suddenly, Futaba leans over the back of the booth chair facing Goro and waves her hands at him. “Hey, look at me,” she says, and Goro’s eyes quickly flicker up to her. “You’re not even gonna say anything? Ran out of obnoxious stuff?”

“No,” Goro says, and he already wants to get up and leave. “I’m trying to be polite.”

“Well, it would be more polite if you said hi to me rather than ignoring my entire existence, y’know.” She pauses. “Ren told me you came back. How are you?”

They’re going to make small talk now, which—is great. Greatly awkward. Goro holds himself back from sighing dramatically. “Well, I apologize,” he mumbles. “I’m doing fine. And you?”

“Oh, you know. Keeping busy. This is my third year of college, so there’s always lots to be done.”

“It’s the summertime.”

“Right, yeah, thanks. I couldn’t tell. I still have a big project to do, though.” She leans back. “Computer science majors never sleep, you know.”   
  
Goro’s nose wrinkles. “That sounds immensely difficult.”

“It’s really not hard. It’s just a lot of annoying busywork.”

“Well, okay.” Goro still feels like he has absolutely no idea what he’s supposed to be saying here. Where is Ren? Shouldn’t he be here by now? 

He checks his phone again, and barely any time has passed since he came in. Great.

“If you’re wondering where Ren is, he’ll be back soon. He’s picking up a charger for me because mine broke and he offered to get me one. Since he, y’know, conveniently lives near a lot of electronics stores.” 

Futaba gets up off of her spot and walks to the booth Goro is situated in, and then she slides into the seat across from him and folds her hands together. Goro feels that, were he in a cartoon right now, sweat would be pouring off of his face in buckets. “You look tired,” she says.

The sweaty feeling immediately dissipates and is replaced by an urge to scowl, which he cannot hold back. “Thanks,” he grumbles, rubbing his cheeks, as if that would rid him of his dark circles. “I know that already, though.”

“Well, it was just an observation.” Futaba shrugs. “Do you want something to eat?”

_ This feels like bait,  _ Goro thinks to himself.  _ This feels like she’s trying to lead up to something. _

Goro wishes that he knew what Futaba’s intentions were. He wishes that he could figure out how she feels about him—how much hatred does she have for him? How much forgiveness? Is she pretending to be friendly right now, or is it genuine?

He can’t tell. 

“Sure,” he says, deciding to bite the bullet because he  _ does  _ want something to drink. “I don’t need food, though. But a coffee would be nice.” He kind of feels like he’s ordering her around a lot, so he decides to add, “I can make it myself, if you like?”

“Nah, that’s fine. I can make it,” Futaba says, hopping out of her seat, and Goro is glad that she’s going to make the coffee because he genuinely has no idea how to make coffee if it isn’t instant.

He looks at his phone while he waits, staring at his schedule blankly. Looking at it makes him feel more tired than he already is, just because of the sheer amount of work that he has to do. 

Soon enough Futaba finishes making the coffee and sets it down in front of Goro, who picks it up and holds it in his hands, feeling the warmth seep into his palms. “Thank you,” he says, raising the drink to his lips and sipping. “It’s good.”

“It’s not as good as dad’s, but. I think that it’s still pretty decent!” Futaba grins, wide, and Goro thinks about how sweet it is that she calls Sojiro  _ dad  _ now.

He drinks his coffee some more and sits in silence, Futaba seated across from him again, until suddenly the door to the cafe jingles open and Goro hears a familiar voice.

“Sorry I took so long,” Ren says to nobody in particular—or maybe it’s more like he’s saying this to  _ everybody.  _ “It was really crowded at the station and some old lady passed out or something.”

“Was she okay?” Futaba asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, she was fine. She was probably too hot. You know how old people are.” Ren shrugs.

“Hey,” Sojiro says from his corner.

Ren winces. “Sorry.” Then he turns his attention to Goro. “Were you waiting long?”

“Longer than I thought I would be waiting, quite truthfully,” Goro says, clutching his coffee cup with a dangerously tight grip. “But it’s all right. Did you manage to get the charger, or whatever it was that you were buying?”

“Oh! Yeah.” Ren pulls the charger out of his bag and sets it on the booth table, sliding it over to Futaba, who picks it up and inspects it. “Hopefully I got the right one.”

“Yep! This is the right one. Thanks, Ren. I was worried that I wasn’t gonna have a charger for the road trip, and I’ve been waaaay too lazy lately to go to the store and buy it myself.”

_ Lazy.  _ Goro wonders whether this is the truth, or if she actually still struggles with being in public spaces. Maybe it’s a mix of both. Regardless, he isn’t going to ask, because that’s far too personal of a question and the two of them are barely close. 

The mention of a road trip, however, also piques his interest. He raises an eyebrow. “Road trip?”

“Oh—yeah! I guess I forgot to tell you about that.” Ren sits down at the booth, too, right next to Futaba, and leans forward on his elbows. “Me, Ann, Ryuji and Futaba are going on a road trip in a few weeks! We’re going to Yamagata and Hakodate and finishing up in Kushiro.”

“That’s… going to be immensely expensive, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, that’s what we thought too, but we’ve got it covered… we think. There are a few details that need to be worked out, but… it’s coming together.”

That was the most vaguely worded response in the entire world, Goro thinks, but he’s not sure whether he wants to debate it or not, so instead he nods in a way that shows that he is interested in the conversation. “Well, regardless. It sounds like it’ll be a lot of fun.”

“Yeah, I hope so. And it really isn’t a lot of driving each day, honestly. It’s around a five hour drive to each location, and me and Ryuji are going to take turns because we have our licenses.”

“I don’t,” Futaba says, holding her finger up matter-of-factly. “And Ann doesn’t either.”

“I could piece that much together myself, thank you,” Goro mumbles, and he knows that he shouldn’t be so passive aggressive, but at the same time, being explained to like he’s a child is something that frustrates him to no end, even though Futaba probably didn’t mean to come off that way. She was only clarifying. Probably.

“Ugh, you’re so cranky. You’re just as cranky as you used to be, but now you’re older so it’s like… a little more defined.” Futaba snickers. “Crankiness suits you.”

“Thanks,” Goro grits.

“Hm… oh, hey! How about you come along on the road trip with us?” Futaba asks, smacking her hands down on the table in what must be excitement. “There’s probably still some space left for you.”

“There’s definitely space,” Ren says, putting his hands down on the table, too. Goro feels like he’s about to be interrogated. “It might be a little squashed sleeping in the beds at the places we’ve booked, but… I’m sure we’d be able to work something out.”

“Yeah!” Futaba sits up on her knees. “Will you come along?”

Goro purses his lips, unsure… what he should say. This still all feels like a setup, like Futaba is pretending to like him, like  _ everybody  _ is pretending to like him. He can’t shake the feeling and it makes him uneasy, uncomfortable. 

He has to ask. There’s no way he can move forward without bringing this to their attention. It would be best to disguise the question as another question, though. 

“Why… are you inviting me?” he asks, leaning back.

Ren’s face immediately falls. “Why wouldn’t we invite you?”

Goro glances at Futaba. “Because…”

The two sitting across from him blink simultaneously, and it takes every ounce of Goro’s will to not stand up and leave and never return ever again. Why is this freaking him out so much? 

“It’s… fine,” Futaba finally says, sighing. “I mean, it isn’t fine, obviously. But I know that you couldn’t really… help doing what you did. Um.” She pauses. “It still hurts, and I can’t forgive you, but I’m… I… well.” 

She glances at Ren. Ren glances back at her. It’s as if the two of them have a big secret, and it bothers Goro to no end.

“This got awkward. Ummm. Not to embarrass him on the spot, but Ren really cares about you, y’know?” Futaba says, and Ren interjects with a  _ Futaba!  _ but she only shakes her head. “Let me talk! He seriously cares and likes you, okay? He talks about you so much that it gets annoying. And… I guess that I want to give you a chance too. Because it’s only fair.” She smiles gently. “Can you give me a chance too?”

Goro sighs, rubbing the back of his head with his hand, unsure. Realistically, he knows that nothing bad will probably happen if he accepts the offer to come along, and that he’ll regret missing out. In fact, he’ll probably feel worse declining than accepting. But even so—even so. He’s still uncertain.

“It’ll be fun,” Ren says, and he nudges Goro’s foot underneath the table. “I promise.”

“Ah…” Goro folds his hands together and decides that in this instance, it is probably best to speak without thinking. Otherwise he’ll never be able to move forward. “Okay… sure. I’ll come along, if you don’t mind.”

“We’re the ones inviting you, sooo… of course we don’t mind!” Futaba exclaims, clapping her hands together. “It’ll be good. We have a groupchat, so I’ll put you in that later today—or, I guess Ren will do that because I don’t have your phone number. But anyway, we’ll add you to that and send the information that you need to know.”

“Okay,” Goro says, blinking. “Thank you.”

“Great! It’s all sorted out.” Ren stands up from his seat. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bring out a chess board, and we’re going to finally have a real rematch, and I’m going to win.” He looks at Goro. “You ready?”

A smug smile worms its way onto Goro’s face and he chuckles at the immediacy of the suggestion. “Of course I am,” he says.

* * *

They play chess and Ren loses, which is funny.

“Damn,” Ren says as he cleans up the board. “God damn. Why are you so good at this game?”

“Do you want me to answer like a chess player would, or do you want me to give you a human answer?” Goro asks, leaning back in his booth seat and stretching his arms over his head. They’ve been sitting down for a while; all of his bones feel stiff and uncomfortable.

“Hmm. Give me both.”

“A chess player might say, ‘I’m so good at it because I consider it to be more than a game.’ I’m not a professional chess player, but that sounds just about pretentious enough to be true, doesn’t it?”

Ren shrugs and collects the knight pieces, placing them into a bag. “Sure, I guess so. I don’t know anything about competitive chess besides that they have to do that thing where they hit the timer or whatever.”

“Right. Anyway—my human answer would just be that I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“How do you practice so much? Who is willing to play a million games of chess? It takes up so much time.”

“I just play it on my phone,” Goro says, waving the device around in the air for show. “That’s all there is to it, really.”

“Wow. Well—good for you, I guess.” Ren puts the rest of the pieces away in the little ziploc bag and then puts the board and the bag into a larger box and seals it shut. “Can I ask something boring?”

“Hm?”

“Do you have a favorite piece?” Ren picks the box up. “A favorite chess piece, that is.”

“I like the knight,” Goro says immediately. “It moves differently from the rest of the pieces, and thanks to that, is a very valuable piece. It has the ability to jump over other pieces, too.”

“So you like it because it can do stuff the other pieces can’t do,” Ren says. “Kind of like… a wildcard, yeah?”

“I suppose it is something like a wildcard, sure. But I’m not sure if that opinion would stand in the chess community. It might just be a mindset that the two of us have.”

“Either way, it’s a good answer. Plus, who doesn’t like knights?”

“People who don’t like medieval things,” Goro answers easily. Maybe his very literal answers are putting a damper on the conversation, but he really just cannot help being a smartass sometimes. “Do you have a favorite piece?”

“Uhh—yeah. I guess I like the king piece the most, honestly. Maybe that’s kind of boring.”

“I would have expected your favorite to be the queen because she can do a variety of moves,” Goro posits. “Much like you. Why is the king your favorite?”

“Hmm.” Ren pauses for a moment, setting the box aside on a separate table and sitting back down at the booth. “I guess I just… really like having a thing to protect, you know?”

“So noble of you,” Goro sneers.

“Ha. Maybe! That’s coming from someone whose favorite piece is the knight, though. Kind of one and the same, wouldn’t you say? Knights traditionally serve under the king, so in a way, you’re also doing a lot of the protecting.”

“Real life knights protect their king, but in chess, any of the pieces can protect the king equally. Well—I suppose the pawns are a little bit different.”

Ren licks his lips and looks down at the table. He doesn’t say anything for a long moment and it worries Goro; he feels as though something bad is about to happen. He gets this sensation every now and then—the feeling of absolute doom and dread. Maybe it’s because he’s been in so many miserable situations before. Every moment is full of anticipation, like he’s waiting for something horrible to happen constantly.

“Chess is kind of like real life,” Ren finally says, looking up. “In a weird way.”

Goro raises an eyebrow and decides to play dumb despite already knowing where Ren is going with this. “How do you mean?” 

“I guess it’s mostly the pawns that remind me of real life.” He tilts his head slightly. “Depending on how you want to play, a pawn can be a sacrifice.”

Goro’s throat closes up. It feels like he’s been kicked in the chest, right underneath his sternum, and the pain blooms throughout his entire ribcage, up his arms and then into his legs. “That’s true,” he says, voice barely there. What else is he meant to say?

Ren has a look on his face that reads  _ regret.  _ He gets up from his seat and sighs, walking back into the kitchen without another word. 

Well, this is a bad sign. Has Goro already fucked up? Just by sitting here and existing? It wouldn’t be the first time. It won’t be the last time either. That’s what he was born to be: a nuisance. Something that only gets in the way. Something that doesn’t have a proper use or place or purpose. Something that— 

“Sorry,” Ren says, thankfully interrupting his thoughts. He comes back with two water bottles and hands one over to Goro. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I was just… thinking about some things and it slipped out. Will you come on a walk with me?”

He says everything in one big giant rush, words slotting right next to one another, sounding crowded in the way that they escape from his mouth. Goro takes the water bottle and stands up, curious to see where this is going. He’s also hoping that going for a walk will make him feel better. Maybe he can get Ren to talk a little bit more, too.

“Sure,” he says.

The two of them exit Leblanc, water bottles in hand, and head down to the residential areas. They walk and walk and walk and say nothing to each other, and Goro soaks in the horrible silence of it all. It makes him want to give up and leave and walk away, because this is  _ so  _ tense that he thinks he’s going to get a hernia from it. 

Why did Ren say what he had said? Is he implying that he sees Goro as nothing more than a pawn? He’s not sure if he wants to believe that. No—he’s not sure if he can even bring himself to believe it. Because—because— 

—because he trusts Ren. 

Goro has never trusted someone before in his life, which sounds to be a near-impossible feat, but it’s the truth. He has never had anybody to truly confide in, to truly place his faith in. Ren is the first.

He hopes that this doesn’t backfire.

Finally, after what feels like hours of walking, they reach a medium-sized abandoned house. There is ivy growing up the walls and into the doorway, and pieces of debris litter the staircase that leads up to the second-floor complex. The entire house itself is dilapidated and sad looking, complete with a single spray-painted smiley face on the lower-level front door.

“Why are we here?” Goro asks, looking at the house.

“You’ll see. Come up this way,” Ren says, climbing the staircase to the second level. Goro follows suit, taking care to not step on any larger pieces of rubble that have been littered on the stairs. 

They make it to the top floor and Ren walks around to the other side of the house until the two of them have made it to the opposite side of the staircase. Instead of there being another house behind it, there is instead a wonderful view of the sky and landscape and buildings in the distance.

Goro’s throat is closing up again.

“I wanted to show you this place,” Ren says. “Er… I’m not sure how much you appreciate scenery and things like that, but coming here always makes me feel a little bit better, so. Here we are.”

“How did you—how on earth did you come across this building?”

“It happened a few years back,” Ren explains. “While I was still in college. I was so stressed—I had a bunch of projects to do because finals were coming up. And Futaba told me that she could tell I was miserable, and then she took me here and told me to stand on this balcony whenever I needed to clear my head. To uh, remind me that the world around me is still alive and things like that.”

Goro blinks and looks out at the landscape, leaning against the balcony wall as he does so. He sighs quietly, mostly to himself, and wonders what kind of response would be adequate to say.

Fortunately, it seems as though he doesn’t have to say anything at all, because Ren continues talking. “Anyway—I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I didn’t mean to insinuate that you were a pawn.”

“That’s what Shido thought. There is some truth to the sentiment.”

“No, there’s not. You’re not a pawn, Goro, you’re so much more than that.” Ren exhales, frustrated, and runs a hand through his hair. “I was so sad when you were gone. Inconsolable, even. I know that it was your choice—I know that you wanted the world to go back to normal regardless of whether or not you’d live or die, but I—I wish you were selfish back then, Goro. I really do.”

“We wouldn’t be standing here like this if that were the case,” Goro says, and his voice sounds small. “Our connection would be surface-level, probably." He realizes that he has just insinuated that they have a deep connection, but. Hopefully Ren won't catch on to that.

“I know. I know that, and still I just… I don’t know. I wish… that you didn’t hate yourself so much.”

Goro can’t look at Ren. He can’t. Not right now. He keeps his eyes trained on the horizon, unblinking, unable to find any words in his brains to formulate a response. He can only stand there and stare.

“You pretend that you don’t,” Ren whispers, “but I know that you do.”

They lapse into silence. It isn’t awkward or tense for once—it’s just sad. Goro isn’t necessarily uncomfortable, per se, he just wishes that he was a different person. He wishes that he could be better for Ren, that he could be a happier and more empathetic and understandable person. He wishes that his past self didn’t weigh heavy on his shoulders. He wishes that his past self wasn’t constantly drilling a hole deep into his frontal lobe.

He wishes.

“Ren,” he says quietly, “can I ask you something?”

“Okay.”

“Is there a point in being alive if nobody loves you?” He turns to face Ren now. “Answer truthfully.”

Silence.

Ren’s hands grip the balcony wall tight. His knuckles are turning white.

“Yeah,” he says. “What kind of question is that? You’re supposed to be living for yourself, not for the love of other people. Love is just… kind of a bonus thing, you know? Like ice cream or candy. Just a bonus. It’s nice to have, but nothing can compare to the love you give yourself.”

“Hm.” Goro pauses. “And what if I hate myself? Then what?”

“It’s a process, I think. To love yourself. A slow one. I don’t love myself, but I think that one day I finally will. And I look forward to that day more than anything.”

“Hm,” he repeats. “You’re surprisingly philosophical, you know?”

“Aha… I’m not sure if I would consider this philosophy. It’s just something that I think about.”

“Regardless, I think that it’s very… smart of you to think this way. You’re right. My brain doesn’t want to believe it, but I know that you’re right.”

“Well, thanks.” Ren smiles awkwardly. “Oh, but—I wanted to say that you aren’t unloved at all.”

Goro turns his head. Something is happening—when he moves his head, something happens. Time slows down. The birds flying overhead slow to a stop, and the creaking cicadas around them stop their singing, and the ivy and leaves and flowers stop blowing in the wind.

“Hm?” he manages.

“You aren’t unloved, Goro. Because I love you. You’re my very special, precious friend, and I mean that.” 

Time is not moving.

Time is not moving.

Time is not moving.

The world is still.

“Ren,” he says. He can’t say anything else. No other words come into his brain. 

“It’s okay.” Ren reaches out and puts a gentle hand on Goro’s shoulder. “You look panicked. I’m sorry. But I had to tell you that, okay? Because I don’t like the way that you beat yourself up over this.”

“I... you...” Goro whispers, and he has to tighten all the muscles in his face to keep himself from crying. He gives himself a minute and then he smiles, and slowly but surely, the words in his brain return to him. “Thank you, Ren.”

Ren smiles too, but there is sorrow in his eyes.

They look at one another for a moment, and then, at the same time—they reach out and wrap one another into a warm embrace. Goro hands tighten into fists around Ren’s back and his lip wobbles and he thinks for sure that he’s going to cry, for sure he’s going to just burst into tears and embarrass himself. But he doesn’t. He takes one, sharp breath and it’s all he needs to calm down.

The cicadas start chirping again, and time returns to normal.

They break apart from their hug and immediately avoid eye contact with one another. From the corner of his vision, Goro can see Ren lift up a hand to his eye and scrub at it, wiping away what can only be tears. 

“Um, anyway,” Ren whispers. “That’s all I had to say. Do you want to go back soon? If you’re hot, we can go back.”   
  
“No, that’s okay. I’ll… we can stand here for just a bit longer. It’s nice and quiet.”

“Yeah.” Ren breathes in. “It is.”

* * *

By the time Goro returns to his apartment, it is nighttime.

His brain feels empty. He’s been keeping it empty on purpose—kept it empty during the train ride. Kept it empty as he read the messages in the road trip group chat that Ren added him to. Kept it empty as he unlocked his door.

And he continues to keep it empty as he showers and changes into pajamas and eats a small dinner. He continues to keep it empty as he throws his trash away and cleans up his plate and he continues to keep it empty while he brushes his teeth.

He spits in the sink, wipes his mouth with a towel, and looks at himself in the mirror.

The planet cracks beneath his feet. Goro watches himself as his lip wobbles again, and then his eyes well up with tears, and before he knows it he is sinking to the hard tile floor on his knees and he is sobbing, sobbing, sobbing like he’s never done before. He vision blurs with tears and he rests his head against the floor as he cries, keeping his hands over top of his head. Brace for impact.

_ You aren’t unloved, Goro. Because I love you. You’re my very special, precious friend. _

“Fuck,” he says to himself through his shuddering. “Fuck.”

It takes a while for him to calm himself down, but eventually he does. He sits himself up, leaning against the sink, and rubs his eyes vigorously, trying to focus on the stinging sensation to bring himself back to the world.

He thinks about his unsaid words to Ren, and takes a deep breath. Closes his eyes. He sits there, silent.

_ I love you too, Ren,  _ he thinks to himself.  _ More than you could imagine. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've always wanted to explore the "friends" aspect of the rivals to friends to lovers shuake dynamic, so that's what i did for this chapter. :]


	6. before the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s hard. For years Goro has been lying, trying to convince himself that he isn’t lonely. Every day he furthered his lie until eventually his brain gave in and accepted it.

**Ann | 10:43am  
** hey guys! gonna need one of u to come along with me to the store today to pick up some supplies for the trip. who’s gonna volunteer

 **Ann | 11:03am  
** i know ur all there.

 **Ann | 11:19am  
** i’m gonna dump sand on u guys if u don’t reply

 **Me | 11:24am  
** Ren and Sakura-san are probably still sleeping. I don’t know where Sakamoto-kun is.

 **Ann | 11:25am  
** damn ur probably right

 **Ann | 11:25am  
** well akechi-kun… that just means ur gonna come along with me! ur not allowed to decline <3 meet me at the camping supplies store in shibuya. do u know the one i’m talking about?

 **Me | 11:26am  
** Yes, I know. I’ll be there within an hour.

 **Ann | 11:26am  
** see u!

And that’s how Goro’s morning went.

He’s waiting outside of the camping store now, and Ann is nowhere in sight. Unfortunately, it is excruciatingly hot today, and Goro is already sweating immensely despite the fact that he’s tied his hair back. Only on the hottest of hot days does he ever dare to tie his hair back, because everybody always gets very flustered when he does that, and although it’s flattering, it is also slightly annoying.

He fans himself with his hand, growing impatient. Where the hell is Ann? She was the one who messaged him first, so she should be here first, not the other way around. 

Goro _would_ go and stand inside of the nice, air conditioned camping store if it weren’t for the fact that he might have to make awkward small talk. Today, this is something that he wants to avoid at all costs, because he’s in a pretty cranky mood and his eyes and head still hurt from crying so much last night.

And so—he waits. In the heat and the sun, he waits, trying to be as patient as possible.

Soon enough Ann _does_ arrive. She walks up to Goro holding an iced tea in her hand—the cup is coated in a layer of condensation—and wearing a very _Ann_ outfit. She’s got a pink and white striped sleeveless sweater, flowy beige pants, and a pretty expensive looking pair of shoes.

“Hello,” Goro says, making the irritation in his voice very apparent.

“Hiii, Akechi-kun. Sorry for making you wait. I, um, really wanted an iced tea. I’ll buy you one on the way back if it makes you feel better!”

“It’s—fine. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just go inside, because I’m sweating out my internal organs right now,” he grumbles, pushing the door open with his elbow and entering the store. Ann follows along right behind him, and the door jingles shut behind the two of them.

The store is overwhelming, to say the least.

There are string lights hung all the way around the ceiling, and the walls and floors are absolutely _full_ of camping supplies. Lights, tents, bags, more lights, manuals, even more lights, thermos containers—they appear to have every supply imaginable.

“Why are we here?” he asks Ann, glancing around. “I thought this was a road trip, not a camping trip.”

“It _is_ a road trip with mild camping elements. We’re not gonna like, sleep outside or anything, but we’ll still be doing stuff outside at night so I wanted to buy some things to make it more comfortable.”

“Hm. Okay. Well—what are we buying?”

“I have a list,” Ann says, and she pulls a little folded piece of paper out from her pocket. She unfolds the thing and shows the list to Goro.

To Buy  
Bug repellant  
Flash lights  
Containers for food  
Bags to hold supplies

Well, that seems to be easy enough. 

“I’ll go find the bug repellant and flash lights,” he says, and then Ann agrees, and they go their separate ways. Fortunately it doesn’t take very long for the two of them to find all of the supplies that they need—everything is labeled pretty thoroughly, and there are lots of explanations on the products—and soon enough he and Ann are paying. Goro wonders, in the back of his head, where on earth all of this money is coming from, but it would probably be too disrespectful even for Goro to ask.

“Now we just have to haul it all back to my apartment,” Ann says when they step back outside. She holds the bags up slightly, as if to indicate what exactly they are hauling back to her apartment, and Goro furrows his brows.

“I thought I just had to come along and buy things with you,” he says, making a face.

“What? No, that wouldn’t make any sense. I didn’t need emotional support for buying the stuff. I really just needed help getting it all back to my apartment. This stuff is heavy, you know.” 

Goro grits his teeth hard together and exhales through his nose, hard. “Right,” he says. He’s certainly being dragged along through all of this, isn’t he? Unfortunately he cannot find it in himself to take this in stride, because he’s hot and sweaty and his eyes and head _still_ hurt and he’d much rather be curled up in a ball underneath his blankets at home, but. That’s not an option today. 

Maybe it’s better that he’s going out and about today. What good would staying in his apartment do? He’s going to feel horrible no matter where he is. 

(Goro is trying to look at the bright side of things.)

(It isn’t working very well.)

There’s nothing that he can do besides head to the station with Ann, though, and so he does exactly that. The two of them walk with their bags in hand, and Ann is still carrying her iced tea somehow. 

He isn’t sure why he expected this to be a quiet, stressless and peaceful walk to the station, because after a few moments, Ann opens up her mouth again. “So how are things with Ren?” she asks, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.

That’s quite the loaded question. Goro wonders whether or not he should share what happened yesterday evening or if he should keep it a secret. Or maybe—maybe he can just keep the crying bit a secret and be honest about the other parts.

Truthfully, the conversation he and Ren had yesterday has kind of been eating Goro alive. His insides hurt with the way Ren’s words bite at his bones and tissues, and his brain aches to share what had happened with somebody. He’s never had someone that he could confide in before beyond Ren, and yet here Ann is, offering an ear.

He sighs.

“It’s fine,” he starts to say. “Yesterday he told me that he loves me.”

“What—oh! Aww, my _god,_ Akechi-kun. That’s so cute. Did you say it back? Did you confess?”

“No, I didn’t say it back,” he mumbles, clutching the bag full of camping supplies hard. “I—couldn’t. I was too, um… emotional.”

Ann sighs quietly, but the sound doesn’t go unheard by Goro. His neck snaps into her direction, glaring at her. “Why did you sigh?”

“Nothing! I guess I’m surprised. You’re always so… hm…” Ann pauses. “Actually, I’m not surprised at all. I was gonna say that you’re not a very emotional person, but it’s the opposite, isn’t it? You’re a really emotional person.”

“I’m aware,” Goro grits. “I can’t do anything about that.”

“There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that! Don’t get me wrong.” She hums. “I know that you probably don’t want to hear me say this, but I think that you should tell Ren that you also love him. When you’re ready.”

“Do not misunderstand. He explicitly told me that he loves me as a friend.”

“So? What difference does it make? Love is still… love, you know?” Ann sighs again. “Whether in a platonic or a romantic way, it’s still love.”

“I suppose it is,” Goro whispers, mostly to himself. “Well, I’ll keep that in mind. Perhaps one day I’ll tell him.”

 _One day._ Goro isn’t sure Ann understands how hard such a gesture is for him. Goro can’t remember the last time he told another human person that he loves him, save for his mother when he was younger. Ever since then, though—nothing. He’s not even sure if it’s possible for the words to escape his mouth.

He’s not sure and it makes him sad. Sad, or maybe angry, or maybe a little bit of both. It’s hard to tell sometimes because the two emotions tend to blend together into one strange, uncomfortable constant emotion.

“Tell me how it goes,” Ann says, heading down the stairs to the station. “I’d love to hear.”  
  
“Sure,” Goro replies. “I’ll let you know.”

He’s being honest.

The train ride to Ann’s apartment doesn’t take that long, but by the end of it, Goro’s one arm is starting to hurt from carrying all the flashlights. The two of them exit the train and proceed to walk up a massive, steep hill, which, as Ann explains with a grimace, _is the only way to my apartment, unfortunately._

When they reach the top of the hill, Goro is covered in sweat, and wants nothing more than to take a very luxurious shower. He can’t do that right now, though, because he is still holding camping supplies. It’s all very unfortunate.

“I dunno if I told you this, by the way, but Futaba and Sumire live with me,” Ann says as they walk up some stairs. 

“Do they?” Goro asks, voice totally strained from all this walking and hauling. 

“Yep.” Ann stops in front of a door, swipes her card, punches in a PIN number, and opens up the door. She has to really shove her body weight against it because the humidity appears to have made the door quite sticky.

Goro walks into the apartment and is immediately greeted by… a smell. More than one smell. Not in a bad way, though; as far as he can tell, it’s just the smell of multiple candles, and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that. It's just rather… overpowering.

Goro sets the bags down on top of a nearby table and keeps sniffing the air. “How many candles are lit right now?” 

“You look like a cat,” Ann says. “Um, maybe two?” 

_A cat._ “One isn’t enough?”

“I’m not the one who uses candles. You’ll have to take up your complaints with Sumire—oh, hey, speaking of!”

Goro turns his head and sees her standing there: Sumire. She looks different. Her hair is very short now, but she still has bangs, and the glasses she wears are much thinner than her old pair. She’s wearing pajamas, it seems like, orange ones with a little bunny on the sweatpants. 

Goro looks her up and down. “Hello,” he says, feeling very awkward.

“Oh—hi, Akechi-kun! It’s good to see you. You look good.” Sumire smiles as she speaks, the picture of cheeriness. 

“Thanks,” Goro says even though he knows that she is lying because he looked at himself in the mirror earlier today and he did _not_ look good, and now that he’s been sweating a ton he is absolutely certain that he looks even worse. “It’s good to see you too. Did you just wake up?”

“Oh, um. Yes, I did. I try not to make a habit out of sleeping in, but I pulled two all-nighters in a row, so I was very tired…” She trails off towards the end of her sentence, as if embarrassed.

Goro wonders what on earth she was doing that required her to stay up for two nights in a row, but doesn’t feel like going down that line of questioning so he simply nods. All he wants right now is to drop off this stuff and then go home and lay around and mope for a few hours. It’s like recharging his batteries but in a miserable sort of way. “There’s nothing wrong with sleeping in every now and then,” he decides to say.

“Nope!” Ann chirps. “Plus, Futaba sleeps in every single day. You really shouldn’t be embarrassed or feel bad for sleeping a little more than usual.”

Sumire smiles still. “I suppose not.” Pause. “Um, anyway… I’m going to go shower, so I’ll see you guys another time. Oh, and Akechi-kun—have fun on your road trip!”

“Ah.” Goro gives a halfhearted smile. “Thank you. I’m sure that I will.”

Sumire leaves, and then Ann gets Goro to help her put away the camping supplies. She offers him a drink before he goes, and he says _sure_ despite wanting to say _no._

“I wanted to ask something,” he says, staring into his orange juice. “For this road trip—the tolling will be expensive. How are you getting around that?”

Ann is removing the flashlights from the bag one by one and laying them out on a table. “Oh… um.” She sounds rather embarrassed. “My parents… told me that they would take care of the tolling, actually. Not that I’m spoiled by them, I just! I told them that we were going to go on a trip and they agreed to pay for the tolls because they know it’s expensive.”

“Hm.” Goro frowns. Must be nice to have parents like that, he thinks. He doesn’t say this aloud, of course, because that would be a horrible sort of thing to say. He knows that his younger self would have said that, though—without a doubt. “Well, that’s nice.”

The irritation in his tone is unfortunately apparent. Or—perhaps it isn’t irritation. Perhaps it’s more like unbridled jealousy. Goro has always had a problem with jealousy, especially jealousy towards Ren and the rest of the Phantom Thieves. All of them—every single one—have the life that Goro wishes he could have had. Friends, support, unity… it sounds rather silly, but they’re all things that Goro wishes he would have more of.

That’s why he told himself that he hated them for so long. Because they acted like they had everything, and Goro had absolutely nothing despite pretending that he didn’t. It’s difficult to think about much of his life he has wasted away pretending to be a person that he wasn’t, but. He can’t take back the time wasted in those years no matter what he does. All there is to do is accept his misfortunes.

He hates it. He hates all of it.

“I know that I sound spoiled! I’m sorry! But I’m not, I promise, I usually pay for everything myself, including rent and including all of my clothes, my parents just—”

Goro holds up a firm, persuasive hand and Ann immediately stops talking. “It’s fine,” he says. “It’s fine, Ann—er, Takamaki-san.”

The dizzied look on Ann’s face is immediately replaced by a smile, as if she weren’t just on the verge of freaking out. “You can call me Ann. I’d prefer it if you did that, actually.”

“Ah. All right, then. You may call me Goro, if you like.”

“Okay, Goro.” Ann is still smiling. Her grin isn’t as infectious as Ren’s is, but he’s sure that it’s just about equally heartwarming. When Ann smiles, the light reaches her eyes just like it does for Ren. Their genuinity is always very refreshing, Goro thinks, especially as someone who isn’t particularly genuine. “Do you have any other questions about the trip..?”

Goro takes a sip of his juice and leans against the table, thinking. “I suppose I was wondering about sleeping and driving arrangements.”

“Well—I’m not sure how much Ren or Futaba told you, but Ryuji and Ren are going to be driving since they have their licenses.”

“Oh, right. They told me that already. I had forgotten.”

“So, yeah. That’s about the extent of the driving arrangements. None of us have reasons to have our licenses anyway besides them, so…”

Goro raises an eyebrow. “Why is that?”

“Well—Ren’s parents live pretty far away, so there’s that. And Ryuji’s mom recently moved to the countryside, so he visits her pretty frequently by driving.”

Aw. How sweet. Something about it makes Goro’s heart hurt, though. “I see. Okay, how about sleeping arrangements? How is that working out?”

“Oooh, okay. So—all of the places we’ve booked only have two queen sized beds and one pullout couch. We were thinking of having me and Futaba sleep together; originally, Ryuji and Ren were going to sleep together, but you can sleep with one of them if you like. Actually—I’m sticking you with Ren whether you like it or not.” Goro’s head is reeling at the sheer speed of this conversation. He blinks once, twice, in understanding. “Does that sound good?”

“Uh. Sure, that sounds great.” _Sleeping? With Ren? In the same bed?_ Goro feels like a fourteen-year-old for being slightly flustered at the thought of that. “I’ll look forward to it.”

“Oh, I’m sure that you will.” Ann grins. “It’ll be great, honestly! I’m really excited. I’m glad that you decided to come along, too.”

 _Hopefully I don’t get cold feet,_ he doesn’t say. “I’ve never been on a trip like this before,” he does say.

“There’s a first time for everything. Honestly, I think it’ll be a really great time. There’s nothing to be worried about! I’m sure that you think there is, but once things get moving along it’ll be a great time.”

“Hm. I’ll take your word for it. I still need to remember to take off work, though…”

“You might want to get on that, yeah,” Ann says, twirling her hair around her index finger. “Want some more juice, by the way?”

Goro drains the remainder of his orange juice and sighs, setting the cup down on a table. “No, that’s quite all right,” he mumbles. “I should get going soon anyway. I need to do some things around my apartment.” _Like laying in my bed by myself._

“Oh, no worries!” Ann heads on over to the door and opens it up, tugging extra hard again. “Do you want me to walk you to the station?”

“That’s not necessary,” Goro says, “but thank you. I’ll see you sometime soon.”

“I’ll see you soon!” Ann beams, giving Goro a pat on the back as he slides his shoes on and walks out.

Goro shuts the door behind himself before he has to say anything else.

* * *

Goro gets home. He crawls into bed. He closes his eyes. He listens to the sound of his apartment and stays there, unmoving, curled up into himself, until he accidentally falls asleep.

He has so many people around him and yet he still feels so lonely.

* * *

He wakes up because his phone is ringing.

_Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz…_

The dream that Goro is currently having involves a flower that talks, and when the sound of his phone vibrating cuts through his brain like a scalpel, the flower starts to vibrate, too. This immediately seems off. It makes Goro realize that he is dreaming, and then he wakes up promptly, shooting upwards in bed, feeling around the blankets for his phone.

“Fuck,” he mumbles, agitated. It takes him a moment to locate his phone but he finally finds it—it is half-hidden under the bedsheets—and answers the call.

“Hello?” he says, pinching the bridge of his nose in hopes of settling his sudden headache.

“Hey—Goro? Are you okay?”

The voice belongs to Ren. Goro knows this much already, considering that he has caller ID. Goro does not answer any calls from unknown numbers out of irrational paranoia that one day Shido will call him once again. “I’m fine, yes, I was just taking a nap.”

“Oh. Oh, shit, did I wake you up? I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t be laying around all day anyway.” As nice as that sounds, Goro unfortunately has to keep trying to live like a human person, even if he has to force himself to do it. “What’s going on?”

“I guess that I just wanted to check in and see how your shopping with Ann went. Did you guys get everything that you needed?”

Goro lays back down on his bed, on his back this time, and keeps his eyes fixed on the ceiling as he talks to Ren. “We got everything, yes. It was fine, besides the fact that the temperature outside was deathly.” He gives an overexaggerated sigh and Ren laughs. “Were you sleeping?”

“Yeah, sorry. My schedule is pretty fucked up, but you already know that. Anyway, I was thinking of stopping by your apartment later tonight if that’s okay with you? There’s something that I want to give you.”

“Aren’t you working today?”

“I thought I was, but they messed up and I’m actually supposed to have a shift tomorrow instead.”

“Hm. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“Bad. Yusuke told me that he was going to invite you over for dinner again tomorrow, but I won’t be there, so…”

“Ah—he can still invite me,” Goro says, and the words are out of his mouth before he has any time to contemplate the meaning of them. “I would like to go regardless, if he’ll have me.”

“Oh, really?” Goro can practically hear the smile in Ren’s voice, warm and kind. “He’ll be really happy to hear that. I’ll let him know when I see him.”

“Okay,” Goro says. “Thank you.”

“So, anyway—can I come over? Just for a little bit. I won’t bother you too much, I promise.”

“You’re never a bother,” Goro hums. “Come over whenever you like. Just let me know when you’re on your way.”

“Got it.” There are some shuffling noises on the other end of the line. “I’ll see you soon!”

Goro says goodbye, hangs up, places his phone face-down on the bed, and sighs. It’s time to get up.

* * *

Ren doesn’t come over for a good few hours, which is nice, because Goro definitely needed some time to recuperate. After he hung up the phone, he made his way into the kitchen and procured a very mediocre leftover sandwich for himself. One of the most horrible things about adulthood, Goro thinks, is the fact that he has to manage to feed himself every single day. It’s so much effort, so much work, and he could care less about cooking so he has no real motivation to feed himself better.

Goro mopes for a while—about an hour—opting to do absolutely nothing but lay on his side and scroll through his phone. He tries to play a game of chess with himself, but it makes him feel lonely because he isn’t playing it with Ren. And, of course, the fact that he is having such a thought in the first place is horrible, so he tosses his phone halfway across the room in frustration.

It’s hard. For years Goro has been lying, trying to convince himself that he isn’t lonely. Every day he furthered his lie until eventually his brain gave in and accepted it. Goro was not lonely because he did not believe himself to be lonely. _There are people around me. I have colleagues. There are people who would care if I died._

It was more of a coping mechanism than anything else. By convincing himself that he was not lonely, he became marginally less miserable and regained some of the willpower to continue existing. Now that he’s reunited with Ren, though, things seem to be changing—he is so aware of his loneliness that it hurts. He has Ren and Ann and maybe even Yusuke now and yet he is still alone, alone, alone. Goro has isolated himself from other people on purpose, and now he is facing the consequences. Every lie that he worked to build up for himself is peeling apart.

He doesn’t know what to do.

Once he had moped for an appropriate amount of time, he then cleaned up around his apartment. This didn’t take long because Goro is a relatively neat and organized person in the first place, so there wasn’t much of anything messy to be fixed. It was more like—he was dusting his shelves just for the sake of dusting them. It gave him something to do and something to think about.

A good deal of time has passed, now, and as he pauses to get himself a drink of water, there is a knock at his door.

Goro forgoes the water and heads to his front door. He unlocks it and opens it up and smiles at Ren, who is standing there with a backpack on. 

“Hello,” Goro says.

“Hey,” Ren replies. “Can I come in?”

Goro stands to the side to let him in. “Sure.”

Ren enters the apartment and shuts the door behind himself. He slides his shoes off one by one and sets them down next to the door before letting out a massive yawn. He stretches his hands out over his head and everything, making a great big show out of it.

“Didn’t you sleep past noon?” Goro asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but I’m still tired,” Ren mumbles, removing his backpack and plopping it down onto a chair. “That’s not what’s important, though. I got you a gift! So close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

For a moment Goro hesitates. _Close your eyes._ His paranoia gets the better of him and he is unable to close his eyes until he reminds himself that it’s _just Ren, he’s not going to do anything bad._

Goro shuts his eyes and holds out his hands.

He feels something soft and fuzzy being placed into his palms.

“Okay, open your eyes,” Ren instructs, and Goro does as he is told.

The first thing that he sees when he opens his eyes is a teddy bear. It’s a medium-sized bear, about the size of a standard sheet of paper. The bear is brown and wears a white fleece sweater; its look is completed by a nice little bow on its chest. Goro squishes the bear in his hands and stares at it like he has been given buried treasure.

He blinks.

“Ren,” he says, silence around him ringing, “this is very sweet. Thank you.”

“You think so? I saw him walking home in a store window and had to buy it. He reminds me of you because of the sweater, you know. So handsome, just like yourself.” Ren is practically beaming, and Goro thinks that any second now he’s going to have tachycardia and is going to have to go to the hospital.

“It’s lovely. I’m flattered, really.”

“Well—you should be! I mean, I’m not trying to flatter you by comparing your likeness to a bear, but I also kind of am, because you’re just so…”

Goro raises an eyebrow.

Ren laughs. “You’re just so cute, you know?” 

If Goro were in a cartoon right now, all of the blood would have rushed out of his face and his bones would collapse in on themselves. But Goro isn’t a cartoon so he continues standing there, motionless, unblinking, trying hard to find the right words to say. 

It takes him a moment, but he does eventually find some words, though they aren’t the words he hoped to have found. “Do you want to stay over tonight? Here?”

The words are out in one giant rush before he has the chance to change his mind. “I have work tomorrow morning so I’d have to get up a little bit earlier but you can stay… here and sleep, if you like. Um.” He pauses. “Only if that’s a thing that you would want to do, of course.”

“Oh? Yeah, I mean—sure! I don’t have any clothes or a toothbrush or anything, though…”

_Oh god. Oh fuck. Akechi Goro, you did not think this through. Ren is going to be wearing your clothes and you’re going to have to look at him while he wears them. Fuck! Why did you invite him over? Do you realize what you’ve—_

Goro squashes his inner monologue with a smile. “That’s all right. You can just wear my clothes. And I’m sure that I have an unopened toothbrush somewhere that I can lend to you.”

“That’s perfect, then! Your clothes, huh? Remember that one time we hung out and you called me afterwards and you were telling me how our clothes would fit each other because we’re about the same size? Is this you furthering that agenda?”

And then, Goro feels it—he feels his face bloom a bright red color. He’s done a pretty good job of saving himself from the embarrassment of blushing in front of Ren, but apparently that’s all over now, because his face is practically radiating warmth. 

_I’m being so obvious,_ he tells himself. _I’m so obvious. Surely he can tell right now that—_

“Uh, Goro?” Ren waves a hand in front of his face. “Hello?”

“Oh, um. Apologies. I suppose I am furthering that agenda, sure. Do you mind?” 

“Nah, it’s fine. And either way, that doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t bring any clothes along, so I appreciate it either way, regardless of any agenda fulfillment.”

“Um. Okay. Would you like the clothes now? We can order takeout and have it delivered here, because I don’t particularly feel like going out to pick anything up.”

“Sure! That sounds good. Can I see your room, by the way?”

Goro wants to say _no_ but instead he smiles and says “Okay.”

He leads Ren across the room to his bedroom, stepping past the partition and into his room. It’s a small bedroom—there is a bed in the center, which a step-up from his old apartment where he slept on an old futon. His drawers are all fused into the walls, so that extra space isn’t taken up by a bureau or dresser or anything. He has one small nighttable with a water bottle, his medications, and phone charger all sitting on top of it.

Goro places the bear on his nighttable.

The worst part about his room is how empty it is. There are no decorations like in Ren’s room—not many memories lined up all over the place, save for a few gifts from his colleagues here and there. Most of everything else has been packed away.

Ren sits down on the bed. “It’s so warm in here,” he says, and out of all the things he could have commented about the bedroom, this is definitely one of the better ones. “Do you not sleep with a fan at night?”

“Only sometimes. It doesn’t really bother me too much.” Goro steps over to his drawers and opens them up, hunting for a shirt and sweatpants.

“That’s funny, considering how sweaty you used to be.” Ren giggles. “Maybe you’ve changed.”

“No, I’m still very sweaty. But it’s strange—it’s never really bothered me in this room. I’m always… comfortable enough to withstand it. I do have a fan in my closet but I rarely bring it out.” He pulls out a pair of grey sweatpants and a tshirt with a bunch of fossils plastered all over it from a museum event. “Are you good to wear these?”

“Yeah,” Ren says. Goro tosses the clothes at him and Ren catches them in a bundle in his arms. “Thanks. I’m gonna change and then we can look at a place to order takeout.”

“Okay,” Goro says, and all at once his heart bursts. A swarm of butterflies collect in his stomach. He smiles. “I’ll be waiting.”

* * *

The rest of their evening goes like this:

They order some takeout. They order pizza, specifically, which Goro practically never eats and never orders because of how greasy it is. But Ren insisted on pizza, and Goro easily gave in because he’s very weak to Ren’s charms, as has been previously established.

They eat the pizza in Goro’s room on top of his bed. This is also something that Goro nearly never does because he worries about the messes that might be made, but tonight he just doesn’t care at all and is happy to be sitting with Ren regardless.

They finish their pizza and Goro pulls out his laptop so that they can watch something. They watch two movies, and by the time they’re halfway through the second one, they’ve migrated onto their backs, sprawled against Goro’s pillows. Ren has an arm wrapped very snugly behind Goro’s shoulder, and their heads are tilted together, impossibly close—do friends lay like this? Is this normal? Goro isn’t sure—and the movie is playing, but Goro isn’t listening. 

Ren is telling him about a time he went minigolfing with Ryuji. He dared Ryuji to jump into one of the ponds for five thousand yen, and Ryuji _did it._ He waves his free hand around wildly as he speaks, sounding excited and oh, so happy.

It’s fitting, Goro thinks. Because he’s happy too.

Ren falls asleep eventually, and Goro notes that he sleeps like a cat, all curled up on his side with his arms tucked underneath his head. Goro takes his medications and shuts off the light and then he crawls into bed.

“Good night, Ren,” he whispers, placing a gentle hand on the top of his head. “I love you too, by the way.”

Ren does not reply, but Goro can see his mouth stretch into a soft smile, and that is all the reassurance he needs. 

As it turns out, saying _I love you_ was as easy and simple as that.


	7. when i get home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goro touches his hands against his own face. His skin is so hot that it feels like he has a fever.
> 
> He leaves his bedroom and dashes into the bathroom, looking at his completely flushed-red face. “Get ahold of yourself,” he says to his reflection. His reflection says nothing in response; it only blinks.

Goro wakes up early in the morning for work, and Ren is still sleeping beside him.

It’s… weird, to be doing this. To let him keep sleeping in the apartment while Goro isn’t home. Well—perhaps the word isn’t  _ weird,  _ but rather impressively  _ intimate.  _ Some embarrassing part of Goro can’t help but really enjoy the domesticity of this—it’s like they’re married or something.

Haha.

He crawls out of bed with a strained yawn, stretching his arms and legs out before heading into the kitchen. He makes himself a small shot of espresso and sighs, debating whether or not he should forgo breakfast this morning in favor of laying down for a few extra minutes. His eyes hurt—they were up pretty late last night, so he didn’t get as much sleep as usual—and a little extra time closing his eyes sounds really nice.

In the end, he decides to eat breakfast because otherwise he’ll start getting really miserable during the middle of the day and that’s no fun at all.

Once he’s finished up he heads back into his room and flicks the light on, hoping that it doesn’t wake up or startle Ren too much. He shuffles through his drawers of clothes until he picks out something suitable to wear. One of the nice things about working in a museum is that Goro has a chance to dress very nicely every time he goes to work, which is something that he genuinely enjoys doing. It makes him feel like… he’s doing something right. Like he’s putting effort into something in a good way.

He glances back at Ren, who appears to still be sleeping, and decides to bite the bullet and just strip and get dressed right here. Goro’s eyes are trained on Ren, who doesn’t move at all as he gets dressed, and soon enough he’s finished changing. His pajamas are folded and placed at the end of his bed for later tonight and then he sighs.

“Goro?” comes Ren’s sleepy, sleepy voice. He sounds like he’s barely conscious.

“Ren,” Goro says. “Do you need something? Go back to sleep.”

“Come here for a minute,” Ren mumbles, and Goro does as he is told and steps over to Ren’s side of the bed. 

Ren opens one of his eyes and holds his hands out to Goro, reaching up to gently touch his face, sliding a hand across his cheek and humming quietly. “Have a good day at work,” he whispers. “These clothes make you look very handsome.”

The hands on Goro’s face are like a pitchfork that has been resting in fire embers. The touch burns into his skin, the sensation charging through his nerves and reaching his heart and brain at a rapid-fire rate. Goro very nearly splutters when Ren calls him handsome, and his instinct to jerk backwards is overridden by the overwhelming urge to simply lean in and kiss Ren and fall back onto the bed with him and— 

No. No, no. It’s bad to think that way. Ren is just a very affectionate person, Goro decides in his head right that moment—he’s just touchy and affectionate and nothing more. Besides, Goro has to go to work now.

“Thanks,” he says, swallowing nervously. “Go, um—go back to sleep now.”

It doesn’t take much more prompting than that. Ren closes his eye and drops his hands, curls back up into a little catlike ball, and says nothing more.

Goro touches his hands against his own face. His skin is so hot that it feels like he has a fever.

He leaves his bedroom and dashes into the bathroom, looking at his completely flushed-red face. “Get ahold of yourself,” he says to his reflection. His reflection says nothing in response; it only blinks.

This is troubling. This is very, very troubling: if Ren keeps acting like this, sooner or later Goro is going to slip up and embarrass himself and ruin everything once again. Who on earth can he talk to about this—Ann, maybe? Yusuke, tonight? He’s not sure how great of an idea it might be to ask Yusuke questions about Ren, considering the fact that they live together. But then again—would Yusuke go ahead and share their conversation with Ren despite understanding the breach of privacy? Is he the type of person to do that?

And if he isn’t—does he even like Goro enough to not betray him?

Goro sighs again and picks up his toothbrush. He brushes his teeth, agonized, hard enough that his gums bleed, and then he washes his mouth out with water and cleans his toothbrush and sets it aside.

Maybe he’ll talk to Ann about this sometime instead of Yusuke. Because Ann promised to keep it a secret, and Ann promised to be someone that Goro can confide in— 

—and he wants to trust her.

Later today, he decides. Later today he’ll talk to Ann, and then later on he will have dinner with Yusuke, and everything will be fine. There isn’t anything to worry about, he tells himself—nothing at all.

He doesn’t believe himself, but he certainly wants to.

* * *

Work, as usual, is fine.

During his lunch break he texts Ann and tells her that he would like to talk to her about something, and she easily agrees to meeting up together. They’re meant to meet up at a coffee shop once Goro’s shift is over. He wants to be on time and the cafe is a pretty good walk away, so once he’s out of the museum building he immediately speedwalks down the street to the cafe.

He arrives first, naturally, and realizes that Ann isn’t the most punctual person in the world, so worrying about being on time was kind of pointless in this instance.

Well, whatever. Goro doesn’t mind waiting; there’s still a little bit of time left before he has to go meet with Yusuke. He wonders what Ren is doing right now—is he still sleeping? Is he awake? Has he left the apartment yet?

Goro has to know. He has to. 

He pulls his phone out from his pocket.

**Me | 4:30pm  
** Did you leave the apartment yet?

For a moment, he doesn’t do anything else besides stare intently at the message. After a couple seconds pass, though, he realizes that he probably won’t get a reply in an instant, and so he sets his phone down.

Fortunately, Ann is only slightly late this time around. She opens the door to the cafe and waves grandly at Goro, really swinging her arm around in the air, obviously quite excited. Goro knows how much she wants to be friends with him because of how often Ren tells him, so…

Maybe this will be good.

“Hiiii, Goro,” she says, setting her bag down on a chair. “You look cute today.”

“Hm? Oh, thank you. They’re just the clothes that I wear to work, though. Nothing special.”

This is a lie. It’s a lie because he’s thinking back to this morning when Ren called him handsome and his stomach is flipping itself.

“If you say so. Did you not order anything yet? I can order for you,” Ann says, rifling around her bag for her wallet. Goro agrees and gives her his order and she saunters off to the register. He watches her as she walks, swinging her arms in a totally carefree way. It makes him a little bit jealous, quite honestly.

Goro’s phone buzzes.

**Ren | 4:33pm  
** yeah i left :) thanks for letting me stay over i had a really nice time. i hope you don’t mind that i borrowed some more of your clothes for work because i didn’t feel like going back to my apartment

His stomach flips again. Goddamn!

**Me | 4:34pm  
** That’s fine. You can give them back to me tonight when I’m at your apartment.

**Ren | 4:34pm  
** oh yeah i forgot that you’re having dinner with yusuke! okay cool sounds good

**Me | 4:34pm  
** See you then.

**Ren | 4:35pm  
** see you <3

Goro’s stomach does one final flip at the heart and he sets his phone face-down on top of the table, because if he keeps looking at the message, he is sure that he’s going to explode. He sits there, completely still, feeling a bit like a freak from how much this is affecting him. Oh, god. What the hell is he going to do?

He closes his eyes and he sees Ren’s sleepy face. He immediately opens his eyes back up.

Goro can’t stop thinking about him. 

He really doesn’t know what to do. It’s not anybody’s fault but Goro’s own for having feelings for Ren that just don’t seem to want to go away no matter how hard he forces it. Everything about Ren is just—so full of charm, so full of kindness and intelligence in a way that he has never seen before. Ren is an opened book, filled page after page with wonderful, complicated art and writing that begs to be understood and cherished.

It makes him want to scream, truly.

But Goro will not be doing any more screaming or crying, because he is convinced that he can piece his life back together again. Now more than ever he wants to be able to finally card through his past and look at what happened to him. He wants to be able to finally move on, because he’s been stuck in a painful time loop for far too long.

“Here you are,” Ann says, setting down a small cup of a double espresso. The cup has a tiny chip on the bottom of it, and it makes Goro think of Leblanc.

“Thank you,” he says, waiting for her to sit down before he takes his first sip. “I, um, appreciate you coming to… talk to me.”   
  
“Sure! I don’t have anything else to do today and I like hanging out with you, even if you don’t like hanging out with me as much.” She giggles and holds up her iced coffee. “What’s up, though? Is everything okay?”

“Hm.” Goro takes another sip of his espresso, and it’s way too hot, but he needs to stall for time, even if only for a second. “Some things have been… happening between me and Ren.”

Ann leans forward, holding her chin in her hands. “Liiiike what?”

“Well.” Goro clears his throat, feeling awkward. “It started a few days ago. We were in Leblanc, and then he took me to this balcony on an abandoned house. This is where he told me that he loves me. You remember, right?”

“I remember, yeah. Did something similar to that happen?”

“Sort of. I… he came over to my apartment yesterday because he said that he had bought me a ‘gift,’ which he had.”

“What did he buy?” Ann asks, tilting her head.

Goro’s face goes pink. He wishes that he could control his blood vessels. “A teddy bear.”

Ann’s eyes widen exponentially. “Oh… my  _ god.  _ That’s so  _ cute!!  _ Goro!!”

“I—I know. I know that.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I’m just so excited for you. What happened after that?”

“I invited him to stay the night at my apartment,” Goro continues, holding the espresso cup in his hands to give himself something to do. “And he did. He… we slept next to each other. But—very closely? Um.”

Ann blinks, patient. Goro steels himself and takes a breath.

“He was holding me, basically. And before he went to sleep I told him that I loved him. And then this morning, he held my face and called me handsome, and I—” His grip around the cup tightens, so much so that he wonders if the ceramic will break. “I’m just not sure what’s going on at this point and I was wondering if you had any advice.”

“Hm… well. What do you mean by that?”

“I mean—ugh. I guess I was wondering whether or not he’s always like this with all of his friends or if I’m…”

“If you’re special,” Ann finishes for him, voice kind.

“...yes,” Goro mumbles. 

Ann leans back in her seat, plucking her iced coffee off of the table before taking a big sip of it. The silence is stifling, and Goro wants to grab her coffee right out of her hands and set it back down on the table.

He doesn’t do this, obviously.

“This is only a hunch,” Ann says, “but I think that you’re special. Sure, Ren is like—touchy, I guess? But he doesn’t hold my face and compliment me and he doesn’t do that to Ryuji or Yusuke, either. I won’t deny that he likes being affectionate with his friends, but… well. From what you’re describing, it just seems different.”

“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to fucking do,” Goro grits.

“I think that this is where your problem lies. You keep saying that you’re not sure what to do, you don’t understand what’s happening—but it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it?”

_ It is obvious. _

Goro blinks and tells himself to shut up. “I don’t want to ruin my friendship with him,” he simply says.

“You’re not gonna do that, Goro. I know that you’ve convinced yourself that you’ll ruin it by having feelings or whatever, but you’re not. Ask yourself: does Ren seem happy? Does he seem like he’s enjoying your company? Does he like being close to you?”

Goro purses his lips. “Yes,” he answers, because that is unequivocally the right answer, even if his brain wants to convince him otherwise.

“And are you happy? Is this something that you want? Do you like it just as much as him?”

“I—yes, probably.” He’s starting to feel dumb.

“I’m not telling you to rush blindly into it, of course.” Ann twirls a strand of hair around her finger. “You should be comfortable before anything else happens. Comfortable with yourself, and comfortable and accepting of your own feelings. You’re so special to Ren, Goro. I wish you could see the way that he talks about you…” She sighs.

“I suppose sometimes I just feel like I’m making it all up in my head,” Goro mumbles, taking another drink of his espresso.

“That’s fair. But I’m going to tell you as your friend that you aren’t making it up in your head, okay? I, like, promise. I  _ super  _ promise. Please believe me. You might think that I have a reason to lie to you, but I don’t. Ren doesn’t harbor ill feelings towards you any more, and neither do I, because you were willing to sacrifice yourself for us…  _ twice. _ ” Ann smiles sadly. “And I can’t feel badly towards somebody who would do that.”

Goro blinks the emotions out of his eyes and takes a deep breath. It’s… fine. He wishes that people would give warnings before they go and say these horrendously heartfelt things towards him. That doesn’t seem like a big ask. “I see,” he manages to say. 

His discomfort apparently does not go unnoticed by Ann, who winces when she sees that Goro is unsure how to respond. “Um, sorry if that was too personal. I guess that I just had to say it, though. Shiho always tells me that sometimes I’m too sincere for my own good…”

That’s a name that Goro hasn’t heard in a while. He feels like he’s heard it somewhere before but it isn’t quite ringing a bell. “Shiho?”

“Mhm. I don’t think you’ve ever met her. Maybe one day. You'd probably get along well with her!”

“I won’t know until I’ve actually met her,” Goro says. He checks the time on his phone—it’s getting closer to 5 now, and it’s going to take a little while to get to Yusuke, so he figures that he should finish this up.

“Like I said, maybe one day. You have other things to worry about, like yourself. Um—I hope it isn’t weird to say this, but I’m glad that you decided to confide in me with this, Goro.”

Goro lifts up his espresso cup. “I appreciate you taking the time to listen. I didn’t have anybody else to go to, and this… whole… thing is still an ordeal for me.” 

“Thing? Ordeal?”

“Talking to people like this,” he says, and then he finishes off the rest of his espresso in one large sip. “Confiding. That sort of thing. It’s all very tragic and depressing, I know, but it doesn’t really matter.” 

Ann’s face falls. “I don’t think that it’s tragic or depressing. Maybe more like… unfortunate?”

“Hm. I suppose. Regardless—thank you for listening. I’m supposed to be having dinner with Kitagawa-kun tonight, though, so I need to head to the station soon…” he trails off towards the end, picking up his phone and checking the time again. 

“Oooh, dinner with Yusuke, huh? I wouldn’t have expected you to do something like that.”

“Originally I was going to eat with him and Ren but Ren has work today, so. I decided to still go and see Kitagawa-kun.”

“Wow, look at you!” Ann beams, and Goro feels like a child. “Let me walk you to the station. I have to hang out around here a little bit more, so it’s no big deal.”

Goro waits for Ann to finish the rest of her coffee—and she does, at a rather impressively fast rate—and then the two of them stand up and gather their belongings. They walk to the station together, talking casually to one another, complaining about how hot the weather is. Eventually they make it to the station, and Ann hugs Goro goodbye, and then they part ways and he heads for the train.

He wonders whether or not it’s okay for him to be happy like this.

It’s a concept that Goro has struggled with for a long time. What kind of happiness does he deserve, if any? Is it all right for him to be making strides to better his own life when he’s ruined the lives of other people in the past? What is fair? What is unfair? Should he be reconnecting with the Phantom Thieves at all, or is this just one great big mistake?   
  
When he thinks about Ren, he doesn’t think that it’s a mistake. When he thinks about Ann, he doesn’t think that it’s a mistake. And yet at the same time—he can’t help but feel like he’s being selfish for forming relationships with these people. Despite what Ann and Ren have said, Goro still can’t help but feel like it would be better for him to exit their lives completely again.

But that is where the problem lies.

Because even though he’s only reunited with Ren recently, he still feels… so glad to be around him. If Goro were to leave him right now, it would be near impossible, he thinks, because it would hurt too bad. He’s created a real, genuine friendship with Ren, one that he’s never had before—and maybe the same thing can be said for Ann—and he doesn’t want to lose this friendship. He doesn’t.

Because he loves Ren. And because, whether he likes it or not, all of these people are important to Goro. He’s never felt this way before, so— 

—he just wants to stop agonizing over it.

* * *

A short while later, Goro finds himself back in Ren’s apartment sitting at the table with Yusuke.

As it turns out, Yusuke is a pretty great cook. Goro vaguely remembers how he didn’t eat very much when they were younger, and so he has had this image of Yusuke in his head as somebody who doesn’t know a thing about cooking, but he’s not bad in actuality. In fact, Yusuke is a much better cook than Goro is, and probably always will be, because Goro still has absolutely no will nor desire to get better at cooking.

Oh well.

Anyway—he eats with Yusuke, and it’s only a little bit awkward. The worst part of the entire experience was definitely arriving at the apartment. Goro had knocked on the door once, twice, three times, and stood there waiting for a good five minutes, knocking intermittently after the first minute passed. When he was about to text Ren and ask him if Yusuke might be out of the apartment, the door suddenly swung open. Goro was greeted by Yusuke, who stood there wearing a blue tshirt with an image of a clipart of water on the front of it.

“Hello,” Goro had said.

“Hello,” Yusuke had said. “I apologize for keeping you waiting. I was cooking.”

Goro really wanted to say  _ but you still could have opened up the door for me,  _ but he didn’t, because the point of this is that he’s trying to get along with people. 

After that, he stood around the apartment tensely, checking out the posters that were hung up on the wall half a million times before Yusuke finally announced that dinner was ready. It felt weirdly domestic, being called like that, but then again—everything that Goro has been doing lately has felt domestic. Maybe he’s confusing  _ people being nice  _ with  _ domesticity.  _

Could be.

They ate their dinner and talked to one another sporadically, tersely, but still in a somewhat pleasant way. They talked about nothing of particular importance—it was mostly how they’ve been doing, how hot it is outside, how work and so on has been doing… all rather idle conversation topics.

That is, until Yusuke cleaned up all the plates. He told Goro not to leave yet, and so Goro stuck around, sitting at the table and scrolling through his phone while he waited.

Yusuke emerged from the kitchen holding two small cup-sized containers of…  _ something _ as well as two spoons. He holds up the cups in his hands. “Akechi-kun, would you care to join me on the balcony? I have Italian water ice.”

It’s a bit of a bizarrely romantic gesture, but Goro knows that it isn’t actually meant to be romantic, so he accepts the offer. The two of them move outside to the balcony, where there are two small chairs and an ashtray shaped like a pillow on the floor next to one of them.

Goro raises an eyebrow at the ashtray. “Do you or Ren smoke?”

Yusuke shakes his head as he tries to peel the lid off of his water ice. “No,” he says. “Ren found that at the thrift store and has been keeping it outside on the balcony as decoration. I personally think that it is quite ugly, which is why we are not keeping it inside.”

“I see,” Goro mumbles, and then he peels the lid off of his water ice too and digs his spoon into it. He wants to ask  _ why are we doing this on the balcony?  _ but it seems as though Yusuke has read his mind because he immediately launches into an explanation.

“I like to eat outside,” Yusuke says, looking at his reflection in his spoon. “I think that it is more enjoyable to be surrounded by nature while you eat. Although I am aware that we are currently not really surrounded by nature up on this balcony, I still believe that it is nicer to eat outside. However, because we do not have a table out here, I decided that it would be better to eat the water ice instead of the entire dinner—”

“Okay,” Goro says, and he holds his hand up in the air because at this rate they’re going to be talking about balconies for the rest of the night and Goro would really rather not do that. “I understand. I think it’s nice that you like to be outside. Does that help you with, um. Inspiration for art?”

“Hm.” Yusuke pauses and eats some of his water ice as he thinks. “Sometimes, yes. But not always. I can draw inspiration from just about anything if I work myself up to it. It is more a matter of perspective than anything else.”

“I see.” Kind of. Goro doesn’t really understand art in the sense that Yusuke does, so he’s just going to have to pretend. “Good for you, then.”

“I have come a long way from where I used to be. And, if I may be honest—I think that you have as well.”

Goro raises an eyebrow, not feeling very reassured. “Is that so?”

“Yes. Because, were you the same, you would not have agreed to have dinner with me. You would have denied me outright. But you came to see me even though Ren is not here—and that says a lot. You are different now.”

“I hope that’s a good thing,” Goro mumbles.

“It is a good thing. Akechi-kun—for a while, I did not have much sympathy for you when we were younger. It was only when you closed yourself off in the engine room in your father’s palace that I realized how you… are just like myself.”

“Please don’t refer to him as my father,” Goro says, trying not to grit out the words through his teeth. He would prefer to sever all ties with Shido completely, and that includes pretending that they aren’t related by blood. “How am I like you?”

“I apologize. Because my adoptive father was similar to Shido. I suppose you could say that we both have had… rather terrible experiences with parents. I could see myself in you: angry, unsure, relentless. I felt for you.” He eats some more water ice. “Hopefully this is not a weird thing for me to say.”

“It’s a little personal, but it’s fine.” Goro sighs. “I would prefer not to talk about Shido if at all possible, but I can see how you might see yourself in me, if that’s of any consolation.”

“It is, thank you.”

They stand on the balcony for a little while longer and eat their water ices in relative silence. Goro can tell that Yusuke really, really wants to talk about Shido, but he will absolutely not participate in that conversation. The only person Goro trusts talking about Shido to is Ren, and the two of them have mostly avoided that topic so far. It’s fair, Goro thinks—he doesn’t know Yusuke all too well and it’s a big trauma for him.

So why does he feel so fucking guilty for not wanting to talk about it?

Maybe because it’s his fault. Maybe because Goro is to blame for getting involved with Shido in the first place. Maybe it’s because— 

There’s a knock on the balcony door and it startles Goro out of his thoughts so violently that he drops the spoon onto the floor.

He turns and sees Ren standing there, hair wet and cheeks tinted pink, wearing some comfortable looking pajamas, and Goro breaks out into an immediate smile.

“Hey,” Ren says, sliding open the door and stepping outside. He immediately wraps an arm around Goro, giving him a semi-embrace-hug sort of thing, and Goro feels like he might melt into the floor.

He feels special. Ren makes him feel special.

“Hello,” Yusuke says, eyeing the two of them up and down. “How was work?”

“Oh, it was fine,” Ren says, waving his hand as he gives Goro a little bit more space. He keeps a hand pressed kindly up against the small of his back, though, and the gesture most definitely does not go unnoticed by Goro. “Kinda tiring, though. But I feel a lot better now that I’ve showered.”

“Would you like me to make you anything?” Yusuke asks, and he’s still staring at the arm around Goro. 

“No, it’s fine. I bought some food on my way home.” He tilts his head towards Yusuke. “Do you mind giving me a minute out here with Goro? There’s something that I want to talk to him about.”   
  
Yusuke’s eyebrow launches up onto his forehead and then seemingly out of the stratosphere, but he agrees to give them some privacy regardless and then goes back inside without another word.

Goro can feel his heartbeat in his throat, and his stomach is full of so many wiggly rubber bands that he thinks he’s going to throw up. This has been happening a lot lately, he’s noticed. He supposes that he’s just anticipating how Ren is going to touch him and talk to him.

Once Yusuke has disappeared, Ren removes his hand from Goro’s back and instead pushes him up gently against the wall of the balcony. His hands dance their way to Goro’s hips and they rest there, one of his thumbs hooking up underneath one of Goro’s belt loops.

This is… intimate. 

“Thanks again for letting me stay over last night,” Ren says, smiling. His voice sounds… different today; it’s softer and sweeter and more gentle, as if he were handling Goro with the utmost care and delicacy. “I had fun. Can I keep your clothes? They’re really comfortable.”

Goro opens his mouth, shuts it, and then opens it again. Instead of saying  _ sure you can keep my clothes,  _ instead he says: “Ren, I—what are—we?”

The words come out in a funky way, with emphasis in the wrong places. He half expects Ren to move his hands away, to cross his arms over his chest, to frown and sigh and get upset—but he doesn’t. Instead he keeps his hands where they are, gripping Goro’s hips with purpose, and his eyes go warm and calm. “What do you want us to be?” he asks.

“Hm. Doesn’t seem very fair that you’re answering my question with a question of your own,” he grumbles, and Ren laughs. 

“Okay, sorry. That’s true. But I want you to answer, not me.”

There’s a long pause—time stretches itself out ultra thin over the two of them, opening up what must be a worm hole above them that quickly shuts when Goro figures out how to speak again. “I—I’m—I’m not sure.” 

Ren’s facial expression does not change even in the slightest. He is either great at being unaffected by things or is being genuine; Goro can’t quite figure out which is the truth. “Okay,” he says. “That’s okay. We can just keep going like this until you figure it out, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Goro whispers, blinking harshly. 

“Don’t stress.” Ren lifts a hand up and tucks a strand of hair behind Goro’s ear, letting his touch linger for a moment before he drops his arm again. “Seriously, please try not to stress. We’re adults now, we can figure it out on our own time at our own pace. And tell me if you ever want me to back off.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be telling you that,” Goro says, laughing despite himself. “But thank you. I appreciate it. I just need to… figure some things out regarding myself before I do anything else. Does that make sense?”

“It makes sense,” Ren reassures. “Also, not to be a bother, but you never answered my original question.”

“What? The—oh. My clothes. Sure, you can keep them. I don’t mind.”

“Thanks.” Ren steps back from Goro, moving his hands off of him and taking a deep breath. “Do you want to stay the night?”

Goro grimaces. “I would love to say yes, but I… have work tomorrow morning, unfortunately.”   
  
“That’s fine. Another day, then. Plus, we’re going on that road trip together, soon, so…”

“I still need to pack for that,” Goro mumbles to himself. “Okay. Another day.”

Ren gives him a pat on the head and Goro’s face lights up pink. “Do you want me to walk you to the station?”

“No, it’s all right. Go and eat your dinner.”

“All right,” Ren says, smiling as he opens the balcony back up. “Text me when you get back to your apartment, though.”

Goro smiles too. “I will.”

* * *

Goro texts Ren when he gets back to his apartment, and then he sits on his bed.

His eyes are watering. He scrubs his fists over the tears that are forming but it does nothing, because after a moment, he starts crying anyway, saltwater dripping down the sides of his face. He takes a deep, controlled breath, covering his face with his hands.

He is not sad.

No, Goro isn’t sad. In fact, he’s happy—he’s happier than he can remember ever feeling; it feels as though there is a great sprouting orchid blossoming in the pit of his stomach, stem crawling up around his ribcage until the flower reaches his heart. It feels  _ good.  _ It doesn’t hurt.

The crying is a short-lived episode. Eventually he manages to relax, and his hands are all gross and wet from wiping his eyes so much, but he doesn’t care. As he rubs his hands on his blankets, his phone buzzes with a message—from Ren. He picks up his phone and unlocks it to read a singular text that has nothing written but  _ <3. _

He stares at the screen and grins stupidly.

For the first time in his life, Goro feels special. 


	8. time keeps on slipping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goro was damned from the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some notes about this chapter:
> 
> 1) roadtrip beginning, finally! this chapter is a little bit longer than usual because there's a lot of introspection going on.  
> 2) there's a few content warnings here, including: suicidal ideation, as well as one section wherein goro has a particularly graphic nightmare involving suicide as well as emetophobia afterwards. the beginning and end of this section has been marked with brackets and asterisks, so that it can be skipped if needed.   
> 3) thank you to everyone who has been keeping up with this story! i care you so much!

Today is the day.

Today is the day that Goro, Ren, Futaba, Ann, and Ryuji are slated to go on their road trip. Goro spent all of last night packing away his clothes and things into a small sized suitcase while he video called Ren. It was somewhat funny, truthfully; Ren was bossing him around quite a bit, telling him that he’s packing too little, too much, forgetting something, et cetera. Goro can’t remember the last time he’s seen him like that and it was oddly refreshing.

They’re all supposed to meet up outside of Ryuji’s apartment because he’s the one who actually owns a car. Goro, predictably, is the first person to arrive, and rather than awkwardly standing around and talking to Ryuji, who is someone that Goro has yet to have a singular conversation with—he instead opted to walk around the neighborhood a little bit. It’s very hot outside and the suitcase was annoying as hell to drag around, but there’s no way he’s talking to Ryuji without the supervision of one other person.

Goro doesn’t hate Ryuji, of course. The problem is that out of all of the Phantom Thieves, the two of them seem to get along the least for some reason. He thinks that Ryuji is a relatively harmless person, though; there isn’t anything  _ specifically  _ wrong with him. Their personalities simply don’t go together all too well.

Well, it’s fine. All he has to do is walk around the block a couple of times until a significant amount of time has passed, and then he can go back to Ryuji’s apartment. Hopefully he doesn’t get too sweaty before then.

Goro walks around for a good ten minutes, and then he makes his way back to Ryuji’s apartment building. In the distance he can see Ann and Futaba standing there, which is good, so he heads on over to greet them.

Futaba is the first to see him, and she offers a friendly wave. “Hey, Akechi-kun,” she says, putting a hand on her hip. “Why were you walking from the opposite direction of the station?”

“I took a little detour is all,” Goro explains, wiping his brow with his sleeve, feeling rather undignified but also not totally caring either. “I wanted to look around.”   
  
Ann raises an eyebrow, looking entirely unconvinced. “Right. Well, anyway—let’s go inside. It’s way too hot to be standing out here.”

The three of them step inside the building and into the elevator. It only takes a short few seconds to reach their destination, and soon enough the elevator is done climbing. It dings and everyone exits, only to be led down the hallway by Ann.

They finally reach a door and Ann knocks on it feverishly, as if she were being chased by a murderer and this is the first room she came across to get help. The door opens up almost immediately and reveals Sakamoto Ryuji standing there, clad with a baseball cap and large basketball shorts.

It seems that some things really never change.

“Hey guys,” he says. “Akechi.”

_ I’m already being excluded from ‘guys,’  _ Goro thinks to himself sourly. He doesn’t have time to complain about it because in an instant Ann and Futaba are shoving themselves into the apartment and, naturally, Goro is also shoved inside as well. 

“Where’s Ren?” Ryuji asks, sitting down on a chair.

“He’ll be here soon,” Futaba says. “He accidentally slept in. Yusuke had to wake him up.”

Ryuji scratches his head, grimacing slightly. “He sure does like to sleep a lot.”

“His problem is that he stays up so late at night,” Ann says, sighing and sitting down as well.

Goro takes a moment to glance around at Ryuji’s apartment. He lives by himself, so the living space is a lot smaller than Ann and Ren’s places. It’s still a pretty cosy looking apartment, though; there are photos hanging up all over the place and decorations and magazines and the like strewn are all around.

Ryuji lives alone, and yet he’s made his apartment his own, unlike Goro, who has not made any effort to change much in his apartment. It’s fine, though—it’s his own fault. 

The four of them stand around for a little while, talking idly to one another, standing in front of the many fans that Ryuji has set up around his apartment. After a short while, there’s a knock at the door. Ann goes to get it and Ren steps inside, looking rather pink in the face and sweaty and breathing heavily, as if he ran all the way here, which very well might be true based on the way he’s hunched over.

“Sorry I’m—sorry that I’m late,” he manages to say, taking a deep breath and standing back up. “I slept in. My bad.”

“It’s fine,” Ann says. “As long as you’re here now it doesn’t really matter. Why are you so out of breath?”

“I ran here from the train station.” Ren sighs, looking somewhat embarrassed with himself. “I guess that wasn’t entirely necessary, though.”

“I mean, we would have waited for you.” Ann reaches to give Ren a reassuring pat on the head, but then she retracts her arm when she eyes how sweaty his face is. 

“Now that everyone is here, we should sort out driving and seating arrangements,” Futaba says, waving a sheet of paper around in the air that, presumably, will eventually have the driving and seating arrangements written down on it. 

There aren’t any more chairs to sit down at, so Ren, Futaba, and Goro all crowd around the small table that Ann and Ryuji are currently seated at. Ann takes the paper and pen out of Futaba’s hands and gently sits them down in front of herself.

The plan goes like this: Ren will drive for the first half of the trip and Goro will sit up in the front with him while everybody else squishes themselves into the back. Ryuji will then drive for the second half of the trip, and Ann will sit up front, leaving Goro, Ren and Futaba to be squashed in the back.

Goro is pretty happy with this arrangement, because either way he gets to sit next to Ren, and that’s pretty much where his priorities are right now.

Speaking of Ren—he hasn’t even gotten the chance to say hi to him yet.

While Ann and Ryuji pack up some of the last snacks and water bottles into a small cooler, he takes the chance to step on over to him and say hi. This time around, though—Goro is feeling much more confident then he was a few nights ago when Ren had his hands on his hips. He isn’t particularly sure where this confidence is coming from—maybe it’s because he’s around a bunch of other people—but he’s going to roll with it. 

Ren said that it’s fine to do whatever it is that the two of them have been doing with one another lately, and Goro is going to listen to him.

“You’re less sweaty than you were before,” Goro says, putting a hand on Ren’s forehead. It’s still warm, and is definitely a little bit sweaty, but he doesn’t really care. “Did you really run here?”

“I didn’t want to be the loser who was late,” Ren says with a laugh. “I guess I should have expected that not everybody would be ready, though.”   
  
“Well.” Goro removes his hand and wipes off the sweat on Ren’s shirt. “I’m sure that everyone appreciates your thoughtfulness.”

“Uh huh. Did you wipe my sweat on me?”

“It’s not like I was going to wipe it on myself,” Goro says, smirking as he crosses his arms over his chest. “I have more dignity than that, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.” Ren waves his hand around dismissively, but he’s got a big grin on his face, so Goro knows that he’s having fun despite getting sweat wiped off on him. “Anyway—are you excited to go?”

“I am, I guess. I’ve never been on a road trip before so it will certainly be interesting, if nothing else. What about you? Are you excited?”

“Yeah. Well—I’m less excited to be driving, because I hate driving on freeways and stuff, but it’s whatever. At least I get to split up half of the time with Ryuji so that it isn’t too bad.”

“Yes, lucky you. That would be terrible.” 

“You get it. It  _ would  _ be terrible.”

“Do you not like driving?”

Ren sighs. “I don’t hate it, necessarily. I just get sick of doing it after a certain period of time. I also really hate driving all the way back to my parents’ house—that’s the whole reason I got my license back home—I hate it so much that I still usually end up taking the train.”

“So you got your license for nothing, then.”

“Essentially, yeah. I mean, it’s handy for situations like this, but not really for anything else.” He shrugs. “Oh well. By the way, since you’re sitting up front with me, you’re going to have to help me out with directions.”

Goro unfolds his arms from his chest. “Not using GPS?” 

“I am. But I just want to be sure about what I’m doing. You don’t mind, right?”

“No, I don’t mind.” Goro is shaking his head. “I’ll do whatever you need me to do.”

“Er—” comes another voice, “I hate to break up your conversation, but we’re all pretty much ready to go here.”

Goro turns around to face Futaba, who is gesturing at the rest of the supplies that have been packed up: the cooler, a file full of papers, Ryui’s suitcase. It’s all organized very nicely, and Goro finds himself being very pleased by that.

“I’ll take your suitcase,” Ren says, nudging Goro’s foot. “You can carry the cooler and the papers and stuff.”

“Such a gentleman,” Futaba chirps, sneering at the two of them in the most unbelievable way possible. It takes everything in Goro to not frown at her, but he’s trying very hard to be good, so he simply sighs instead.

“You just want me to carry _your_ suitcase,” Ren retorts, sticking his tongue out.

Futaba snickers. “I mean, you’re not wrong there.”

“Okay, guys.” Ann waves her hands in front of Futaba’s face. “Let’s get going, yeah? I want to leave before noon so that we still have some time to look around in Yamagata. For like, dinner and stuff.”

The conversation finally breaks up and everyone gets ready. Ren takes his own suitcase as well as Goro’s, and Goro picks up the cooler and file of papers and then the five of them head out of the apartment and back down the elevator. They ride it in silence, and for a moment, Goro is briefly reminded of all the times that they had to awkwardly stand in silence on the elevators in Sae’s palace.

What a memory to behold.

The elevator opens up on the garage floor and they all file out, following Ryuji to his car. It is, admittedly, a pretty nice car. Or at least—Goro  _ thinks  _ that it is a nice car, but he doesn’t know enough about cars to validate his opinion.

Ryuji opens up the trunk and they all begin the process of shoving five suitcases into it. There’s a little bit of a struggle, but they’re all small enough that it doesn’t pose too big of a problem. Eventually they manage to get everything in and Ryuji shuts it with a grunt.

They all then pile into the car, and Goro tries not to think too hard about how little Ryuji has spoken to him so far. He can’t even complain, because Goro hasn’t made much of an effort to speak to Ryuji, either.

Well—it’s fine. There is still plenty of time left on this trip, not to mention five entire hours of driving. Certainly they will talk to each other soon.

“Ready?” Ren asks, looking into the rearview mirror once everyone has settled inside the car and shut the doors.

“Ready,” Ryuji says. Ann and Futaba flash a thumbs up sign and Ren flashes one back.

“Goro, you’re in charge of the music,” Ren says, starting the engine, and Goro blinks because he wasn’t aware that he would be doing such a thing. It’s fine, though; he can handle it. Obviously.

“Okay,” he says, nodding, smiling despite himself because it’s  _ Ren. _

Ren pulls out of the parking garage and turns down the road, and the driving begins.

* * *

While they drive, Goro thinks about Ren.

He thinks about him in a couple of ways. He thinks about him in the sense that Ren is sitting right next to him, paying a decent amount of attention to the road. He’s humming along to the playlist that Goro put on in a very off-tune matter—and Goro thinks that he’s the only person who can hear it, because Ann, Ryuji and Futaba are having a conversation in the back of the car. It makes Goro feel like he and Ren have another special little secret that is shared just between the two of them, and it fills him with unnecessary pride.

Because, well—Ren probably isn’t trying to keep his humming a secret from anybody. But Goro really is the only person who can hear it, what with all of the noise coming from the back, and so he’s just going to roll with this special feeling. 

They pass cars and buildings and more cars and buildings and that’s all there really is to it, honestly. Goro doesn’t mind the repetitiveness of driving because it feels very mindless. It’s different from riding the train in that he isn’t squished up against anybody, so he isn’t completely distracted from his thoughts. 

He thinks that this is a good thing and a bad thing. 

Although Goro tries very hard not to think about himself and his past, he knows that he has to. He knows that—if he’s ever going to be more comfortable with himself, if he’s ever going to want to actually pursue Ren—he’s going to have to examine himself more thoroughly. Even if it’s painful, even if it makes his head hurt, he has to do it. 

Goro can’t keep being selfish forever. Repression only works for so long before memories bubble themselves out from the sides.

Goro thinks about himself. He closes his eyes.

He’s always been a very ambitious person, even as a child. Goro can remember being ridiculously enthusiastic about getting rewarded when he was young—especially in school, because reward and praise at home came infrequently, if ever. The bitterness that he holds for the slew of foster homes that he went through has yet to go away, he has discovered, and he wonders whether or not it will ever go away.

It was a horrible, horrible time, to put it simply. He was lonelier than he’s ever been in his entire life during the years he was in foster care, and he remembers the way that his head always hurt from being hungry, he remembers the way that he was tired all the time from sleeping poorly, and he remembers the distance that it put between himself and his peers at school. Nobody wanted to be friends with a kid like  _ that.  _ Like  _ him. _

He wasn’t even ten and yet the students around him already found him reprehensible. It’s a heavy burden to bear for a child.

He thinks that this is the point that started his lifelong conquest for praise. Once he came to realize who Shido was, life was all over for Goro, to a certain extent. It was all he thought about when he was fifteen: revenge. He was fifteen and he was not interested in anything else save for making Masayoshi Shido into a fool.

It’s true that he lost himself in this desire. He really did. In the beginning, the desire was small, like a little seed desperate for water and warmth and a place to grow. And Goro gave that seed all of these things and allowed it to flourish; he allowed the desire to grow and grow until it was more than just a seed. It was a stem with leaves and a flower, ready to bloom at any moment.

He could hardly think about anything else.

Because otherwise, Goro’s life was purposeless. He had made it purposeless on his own; he took all of his will to live a full, real life and buried it underneath the ground, depriving it of sunlight, and instead replaced it with a seed of revenge. He convinced himself that this was all he had. He convinced himself that this is all he needed. He convinced himself that he couldn’t be or do anything else.

And that was that.

He feels a hand on his thigh and he opens his eyes, blinking away the bleariness before turning to Ren. “Hm?”

“You okay?” Ren asks, and he isn’t moving his hand. “You’ve been really quiet so far.”

“I’m all right,” Goro says, waving a hand dismissively, trying to get the attention off of himself, which is a rarity. “Just thinking about some things.”

“Don’t think too hard. You do enough heavy-duty thinking as it is; I don’t want your brain to start steaming or anything.”

Goro chuckles, because the image of smoke coming out of his ears and mouth and nose doesn’t seem entirely unrealistic. “I’ll try.” He puts a hand on top of Ren’s. “I’m fine, really. Don’t worry about me.”

Ren makes a face that reads  _ I’m not convinced at all  _ but says nothing more. He simply nods. Goro appreciates the space.

He shuts his eyes again and thinks some more.

If only he could take back everything. He wishes so, so much that he could snap his fingers and erase his past. He wants to lobotomize himself to forget about it—he doesn’t want to remember. It makes his skin itchy. Thinking about Shido makes the insides of his sinuses burn.

It’s difficult. It’s difficult, because Goro knows that the spilled blood on his hands is both his own fault and yet not his fault at all. How could he have predicted that his father would make him kill people? How could he have predicted that? He feels like he should have seen it coming. 

The moment that he offered his powers to Shido was the moment that he became ensnared in a slow-killing bear trap.

It was over from the beginning, and yet he didn’t realize it. All of the control that Goro thought he had was simply an illusion; the real control had always been laying in the palms of Shido’s hands, like a rock that had been plucked up from a river, perfectly smooth. 

Goro was damned from the beginning.

He wants to be over this. He wants to stop being mad at himself for his foolishness, because he was only a  _ teenager.  _ It’s not fair to place so much blame on somebody who barely knew how to live independently. It’s not fair to place so much blame on somebody who felt as though he had nothing. Embarrassing Shido was a purpose that fell into his hands and he ran with it.

He remembers a conversation that he once had with Ren when he and the Phantom Thieves were trying to work out the mess with Maruki.

_ “Do you hate me?” Goro had asked, a sneer rubbed across his face. He was confident that the answer would be yes, because why wouldn’t it be? Why wouldn’t Ren hate the person who had tried to kill him twice; why wouldn’t Ren hate such a human being?  _

_ “No,” Ren had said, and it made Goro’s eyes go wide. “I don’t hate you.” _

_ He felt angry. He felt as though he was the one being betrayed, not Ren. Like it was a breach of trust in a backwards way. A frown etched itself onto his facial features and he balled his hands into hard fists. “Why not? Are you stupid? Why would you trust me?” _

_ “I wouldn’t say that I trust you,” Ren explained. “I guess I just… understand. I understand why you did what you did. And I know something important about you, too, Goro. Something that you probably aren’t aware of.” _

_ The frown deepened. “And what’s that?” _

_ “You’re not a bad person,” Ren had said, voice soft and sad and all the wrong things. “You’ve had bad things happen to you, but I know that your heart isn’t evil.” _

_ You’re not a bad person. _

He’s not a bad person.

Goro wishes that he could believe that. He wishes that he could chalk all of this up to Shido’s abuse and manipulation, but there’s a part of him that feels… guilty for being abused in the first place. Like it’s his fault. It’s always his fault. Everything is always his fucking fault his fault his fault his fault his fault— 

It makes Goro want to die. He wants to die.

He opens up his eyes. Ren still hasn’t moved his hand, and Goro still hasn’t moved his.

That’s when it dawns on him: he doesn’t have  _ nothing  _ anymore. He has Ann and Futaba and Yusuke and maybe even Ryuji now—and most importantly he has  _ Ren. _

Ren, who Goro has had feelings for as long as he can remember. Memories of the two of them going to the jazz club together flood back in his mind, and he remembers the brief moments of joy that spending time with him brought Goro. He has that feeling now but even stronger than before, because this time it’s—it’s more genuine. They have nothing to hide behind. 

Goro can put his walls down. He wants to.

That’s the truth at the bottom of all this agony: he wants to be vulnerable for Ren. He wants to be close to him. He wants to hold Ren in his arms, and he wants to have that place where he can feel safe, and he wants to create a space where Ren can feel safe, too. It must be a true miracle for him to have found somebody who understands the trauma and guilt that Goro had gone through. An absolute miracle.

If Goro were Ren, he wouldn’t have trusted him again. Wouldn’t have… forgiven him.

Does Ren forgive him?

He opens his eyes and turns to Ren. The three in the back have started talking about something else, so he isn’t too worried about being heard. “Ren,” he says, squeezing his hand, “do you forgive me?”

Ren keeps his eyes on the road, but Goro can see the way that his face tenses. He sighs. “Yeah.” There’s a nod. “I do. I forgave you a while ago. When you said you wanted to go back to reality rather than staying in Maruki’s world despite knowing that you would die—that’s when I forgave you. Instantly.”

“Hm.” Goro blinks. “Do you regret that forgiveness? Are you sure?”

“Goro.” Ren looks at him for a short moment. “I’m absolutely sure.”

Well—that’s all the reassurance Goro thinks that he needs, really. He can tell that Ren isn’t lying. He can tell because the desperation and the sadness in his voice is so real and clear that it makes his ears ache with the honesty of it.

“Okay,” he says. “That’s all I needed to know.”

He shuts his eyes once more.

Goro doesn’t want to fantasize about his own death anymore. He wants to be happy. He wants to have life. He’s been living for the past six years, but he hasn’t particularly been  _ alive.  _ Goro has been living in a purgatory all by himself, cursed to walk the earth until he crumbles away from too much built up loneliness and self hatred.

He wants to live.

The terrible feelings aren’t going to go away overnight, of course. He’s probably still going to feel horrible for a while. But—but—if that horribleness will eventually be traded in for feelings of goodness, then he’s willing to go through a little bit of pain in exchange for eventual happiness.

The question is whether or not he’s going to be able to handle feeling happy without being overcome with guilt. 

Guilt is a constant. It never goes away. Guilt grips Goro’s throat, hands squeezing. Guilt snaps his bones in half and twists his body like a wrung out towel. It tortures him every day and every night. It never goes away. It will not go away. He has tried everything, and yet guilt is one of the few feelings that he has been unable to suppress.

And this—this is the root of all his problems. This is where Goro’s still present desire to die stems from. It is the guilt. It is the  _ my fault  _ mindset that is plastered to his brain. 

The guilt will probably not go away for a very long while, but perhaps he can figure out some way to live with it.

Some way.

Slowly Goro’s brain stops thinking about all of this miserable stuff and it instead floats off into a different place. He continues thinking about Ren, of course, but after a moment his thoughts stop making sense and they become foggy and clouded and…

“Goro,” comes a voice. “Goro.”

Someone is shaking him.

He opens his eyes and blinks a couple of times, trying to figure out what the hell is happening. It seems as though he ended up falling asleep. 

“Yeah?” he turns to Ren. The car is parked and silent—when Goro turns around to look at the three in the back seat, he discovers that they aren’t there. “Where is everybody?”

“We’re at a rest stop. They’re all outside. We’re about to switch drivers, by the way.”

“I fell asleep,” Goro says, feeling very dumb and out of it. 

“Your hair is a little messed up now.” Ren reaches up with his hands to work on fixing Goro’s hair. He pets it and pats it and does some other stuff until he drops his hands back down to his sides. “That’s looking a little better.”

“Thanks.” Goro touches his hair, self-conscious. He should have tied it back today.

“Goro.” Ren is looking at him very, very hard, with serious eyes and a serious mouth and serious everything. “Are you okay? Why did you ask me if I ‘forgave’ you earlier?”

Oh, right. Goro isn’t sure why he expected Ren to just let that one go and not follow up on it. He cares way too much sometimes, Goro thinks, to a point that seems absolutely exhausting. “I’m fine, I assure you. I was just thinking about some things.”

“I told you not to think too hard. This is supposed to be a fun trip for the five of us, and I just—I just don’t want you agonizing over things in your head the entire time. I want you to have a good time.”

“It’s all right, Ren, really.” Goro looks at Ren with what he hopes is a convincing facial expression. “I don’t want to upset myself, obviously, because nobody in their right mind likes to upset themselves on purpose. But there are things that I need to work through, and… well. I’d like to stop avoiding thinking about those things.”

“I’m gonna trust you,” Ren says.

“I appreciate that.”

“But tell me if you need, uh… if you need any help. You don’t have to go through whatever it is you’re going through by yourself, you know.”   
  
Goro offers a meek sort of smile. “The same goes to you, Ren. Aren’t you sick and tired of being the therapist friend?”

He knows that he’s hit the nail on the head with that one because Ren makes a face that indicates he’s been caught red handed. He sighs, running a hand through his hair with an agonized expression on his face. “I am sick of it,” he admits. “Really sick of it. I exhausted myself in high school being the therapist friend, and now…” He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. The bottom line is that I don’t mind listening to you. Because I care about you, Goro. And I haven’t ever felt like the therapist friend when talking to you.”

It is Goro’s turn to make a shocked face. He raises an eyebrow, unconvinced. “Is that so?”

“Yeah. Please, c’mon. Believe me. I put trust in you so you should do the same for me. It’s only fair.”   
  
He does have a point. Goro sighs, folding his arms across his chest. “Okay. I apologize. I do believe you. Thank you. It means a lot.”

Ren grins wide. “Good. Thanks for trusting me. I know that it isn’t easy.”

“Yeah,” Goro murmurs. “It’s difficult.”

“But if I can trust you, then you can trust me. Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he echoes. Goro pauses for a moment, debating whether or not he should ask his next question. It would soothe him if he got an answer to it, so. He may as well. “Can I ask why you trust me? You have absolutely no reason to.”

Ren says nothing for a moment, and then he suddenly barks out a heavy laugh. It nearly scares the daylights out of Goro; his entire body flinches and he blinks a couple of times, confused. “Sorry,” Ren says. “But—are you kidding? Of course I have a reason to trust you. You’ve long proven that you aren’t going to do anything bad again. I’ve trusted you since we patched things up with Maruki, if I’m being honest. And you haven’t given me any reasons to distrust you since then, so…”

“Okay.” Goro chuckles uncomfortably. “All right. I understand. I suppose I’ve just been overthinking this lately. Sometimes I wonder if—”

Goro’s train of thought is cut short by the sound of knocking against the car window, which also makes him flinch. This is something that Goro is becoming more and more aware of—how jumpy he is. He’s not particularly sure where this behavior comes from, but he’s definitely got a couple of guesses. 

The two of them turn their heads to the knocking sound and discover Ryuji smacking his fist against the driver’s side window. Ren sighs and opens up the car door, and Goro follows suit, the two of them nearly tumbling out of the car and only the blacktop. 

“We’re good to go,” Ryuji says, pointing at Ann and Futaba in the background, who are talking to one another and gesturing at something in the distance. “You guys good? You looked like you were talking about something serious.”

“I was just explaining some stuff to Goro about where we’ll be staying. No big deal.” 

In Goro’s opinion, Ren has told a pretty mediocre lie, because his face got all smooshed up when he spoke. But Ryuji seems unable to detect that he was lying, because he simply says “okay, cool!” and flashes a thumbs-up. 

After a couple more minutes of meandering, the five of them finally pile back up into the car, with Ann in the passenger seat and Futaba, Ren, and Goro sitting in the back next to one another in that order. There is less room in the back that Goro originally thought there was, which means that he and Ren are absolutely squashed against one another. 

Goro isn’t complaining, of course, but it’s definitely mildly uncomfortable. They position themselves in a way that allows for them both to have a decent enough amount of room, all while grumbling quite a bit. Eventually they manage to sit without all of their limbs mashing together.

And then Ryuji pulls out of the rest stop and they are off once again.

* * *

It takes about three more hours to arrive in Yamagata.

Goro has never been here before, but it certainly is beautiful. It’s a very green-looking city, with lots of trees and flowers and foliage all over the place. The sun is still hanging up in the sky by the time they arrive, and the light that is cast over the city makes it look unreal.

Parking is difficult, but there appears to be a parking lot just outside of the small hotel that they’ve rented for the next two nights. Ryuji pulls into a spot, turns the engine off, and heaves a big sigh. “My knees hurt,” he says, opening up the door and clambering outside. The other four of them follow suit, emerging from the car with a wave of relieved sighs.

It takes them a moment to gather their things. The effort that it takes to yank five suitcases out of the trunk is enough to get Goro unfortunately sweaty, and he wipes his forehead with the back of his arm, feeling gross and undignified once again. He is very much looking forward to taking a shower later tonight because his hair feels as though it is a pit of grease, and that isn’t a sensation that he’s fond of, thank you very much.

They manage to lug their things inside and Ann checks them all into the hotel because she’s the one who made the reservation—at least, this is what Goro is assuming. He hasn’t actually asked anybody who made all of the reservations, but based on what Ann said about her parents paying for the tolls, he has a hunch that her parents helped her pay for some of the rooms, too.

How lovely. He tries not to be jealous.

After Ann has checked in, the five of them drag themselves and their suitcases up to their room, which is on the second floor. Ann has quite a difficult time getting the key to work, so Futaba takes over and tries it instead, and she manages to open it up immediately.

“Whatever,” Ann says when Futaba sticks a smug tongue out at her. 

Goro takes a look around the room. It’s… nice. It’s honestly quite spacious; there is plenty of room for them to put their suitcases down, and there’s even a little desk in the corner. The beds are nice—queen sized with fresh, white sheets on top—and the pullout couch looks like it’s a fine place to sleep too. Goro is impressed. 

It takes them all a little while to unpack their things—and they don’t take much out of their suitcases anyway, seeing as they’re only going to be here for two nights—and once they’re finished, they all flop onto the beds.

Ren lays down next to Goro, his shoulders pressing up against Goro’s. 

“I’m hungry,” Goro says. 

“Me too.” Ren nods and rolls over onto his stomach and then pushes himself up on his arms so that he’s looking down at Goro, smiling all the while. “What do you want to eat?” he asks, and the way he’s saying that is kind of funny. His smile is shifting into more of a smirk.

“Hmm,” Goro hums, smirking in return. “I don’t know. I could go for anything…”

He stares at Ren’s lips indiscreetly. 

Ren, meanwhile, is only getting closer. His breath ghosts across Goro’s mouth and nose—it smells minty, he notices—and his smirk is getting more and more smug. He reaches down to put a hand in Goro’s hair and runs his fingers through it, sighing. “Anything, huh? Maybe—”

“Hey!” Futaba shouts, and Ren suddenly rocket launches himself into an upright position. She stands at the foot of the bed, arms crossed, looking at the both of them. “None of that in here. Remember that we are  _ sharing  _ a hotel room.”

“I didn’t even do anything,” Ren grumbles, sitting cross-legged and huffing. “We were just laying there.”

“Uh huh. Goro, did you say that you were hungry?” 

“Oh, um.” Goro sits up too, and he’s feeling pretty embarrassed right now but is also very full of himself at the same time. Confident, even. “I’m hungry, yes.”

“Me too. I think that we should order something from somewhere. Or maybe we can just go out to eat. I dunno.”

“I don’t mind doing either of those things,” Goro says, touching his hands to his face to see how warm they are. “It’s all the same to me.”

“Well.” Futaba turns to Ryuji and Ann. “Thoughts?”

They both say something in response, but Goro is not listening. He’s too busy staring at Ren, and Ren also seems to be busy staring at Goro. If he didn’t care so much about the other three people in the room—what an ironic thing to say—then Goro would be crawling back over to Ren, pressing him back against the bedsheets, smiling down at him, and— 

Well, maybe that’s a thought to have at another time. For now he needs to put some food into his stomach. 

* * *

Upon returning to the hotel room after eating dinner, Goro found himself to be absolutely exhausted. 

He still was looking forward to that shower, though, so he hopped into the bathroom and took one. The hot water felt wonderful on his scalp and face, and once he was finished, Goro felt much better than he had all day long. It seems that all it takes to feel a little bit better is a hot shower. 

After that, he had crawled into bed with Ren, huddling up rather close to him, and they watched videos on Ren’s phone for a little while until Goro decided it was time to take his medicine. He took it—feeling very self-conscious about the whole thing, but oh well—got back into bed, and resumed watching videos.

At some point he fell asleep. He’s not sure when this exactly was, but one moment he was awake, albeit drifting, and the next he was asleep, staring at the house he had in a dream a few weeks prior.

This time around, though, the house has totally changed. 

For one thing, the front door is wide open. Goro can’t see inside the house from where he’s standing, and he also doesn’t see Ren anywhere—he’s not sticking his head out of the window because all of the windows are shattered to pieces—so he gets a little closer to the door to try and get a peek inside.

As he gets closer to the house, Goro becomes aware of the fact that the bricks the house is made of are not in fact bricks at all but rather many eyeballs squashed together and stacked on top of one another. It’s  _ gross,  _ but dream-Goro doesn’t think twice about it and steps inside of the house.

The door slams behind him. In front of him lays a long, thin hallway, with black walls and a black floor that seem to merge into one color. It appears as though he’s walking through space.

At the end of the hallway is a red light. There’s nowhere to go but down there, he supposes, so Goro heads on down that way.

The red light appears to be getting farther and farther away the more he walks, though, which is frustrating. Soon Goro breaks into a run, trying to catch the light, but it keeps on moving away from him.

There’s got to be a different tactic.

Goro stops running. He stands still, shuts his eyes, and imagines the door in front of him. When he opens his eyes, sure enough—the red light is right there. It appears to simply be an exit sign, though, glowing extremely bright above a door with an inverted handle.

He pushes the door open. The room that stretches out before him is none other than the interrogation room, and immediately an uneasy feeling settles over Goro. 

Nevertheless, he steps inside of the room and closes the door behind himself, because there’s nowhere else for him to go.

**[***** He blinks once, and suddenly Ren is there, sitting primly at the table, holding a gun in his hand.

_ Goro,  _ he says. His mouth moves in such a way that it doesn’t match up with the word.  _ I’ve been waiting for you. _

“Have you?” Goro asks. He can’t shake his uneasiness; something feels… wrong.

_ Yes,  _ Ren says.  _ I’m going to put on a show for you. Sit back and relax. _

Something is definitely wrong. Goro’s hand reaches for the door handle again, but when he tries to twist it, it doesn’t move. Locked, it seems. And there isn’t any other way out of the room.

His eyes tear themselves away from the door and go back to Ren, who has changed his position. He’s leaning forward a little bit on the table, and the head of the gun is pressed tightly underneath his chin. His face looks strained, tired, exhilarated.  _ Watch me kill myself,  _ he says.

Goro can only manage a whisper. “No.”

_ Why not? This was your plan before. Watch me, Goro. Watch. _

And it feels like there isn’t anything else Goro can do  _ besides  _ watch. He takes a deep breath, thoroughly terrified, unable to look away for some god damn reason. He doesn’t even think that he’s blinking.

Ren smiles one last time, eerily sweet and gentle, before he pulls the trigger and blood splatters all across Goro’s face and clothes and the floor and the ceiling and he’s screaming now, screaming aloud and screaming and screaming and screaming and— 

Something is shaking him. He’s dreaming.  _ I’m dreaming. _

Goro’s eyes snap open. Ren is hovering above him, and in the background, Goro can make out their hotel ceiling. He breathes a sigh of relief knowing that he’s back in this stupid room.

“Are you okay?” Ren asks, face full of worry. “What happened?”

He sits up and looks around. The lights are on, and Ren, Ryuji, Futaba  _ and  _ Ann are all staring at him dead-on.

Goro is mortified. He thinks he might be sick.

He launches himself out of the bed and dashes into the bathroom, sliding the door shut before throwing himself at the toilet. He holds his hair back behind his head and regurgitates his dream and his embarrassment into the toilet before sighing and sitting back on the floor. He wipes the corners of his mouth, simultaneously feeling much better and also much worse, and then flushes.

He lays down and spreads his arms out, staring at the light fixture on the ceiling.

What’s he supposed to do now? He’s fully embarrassed himself—the four of them will never forget this, especially what with the way he ran into the bathroom, and surely they could hear him vomit—so what is he meant to do? Hide in this bathroom for the rest of eternity? Get a train back to Shibuya and never see any of them ever again? What is he supposed to—

“Goro,” comes a soft voice, along with a few knocks on the door. Ren. “Can I come in?” *****]**

Goro should probably not lay on the dirty floor. He sits up, leaning his back up against the sink, and says  _ okay  _ in a very depressing sort of tone.

Ren slides open the door, steps inside, and slides it back shut.

He sits on the floor.

“Are you okay?” he asks, keeping himself reserved. “What happened?”

“What do you think happened?” Goro says through his teeth. “I had a fucking nightmare, obviously.”

Ren retracts just a tiny bit, and Goro instantly feels like a monster. It’s clear that he can’t do anything right at all, and he doesn’t really want to look at Ren’s face anymore, so he simply covers his face with his hands and sits there, unmoving.

A beat of silence passes, and then Ren uncovers his eyes for him. He’s scooted a little closer, too. “Futaba is standing outside the door with some water. I told her not to come in. Do you want it?”

Goro nods solemnly, feeling too stupid and embarrassed and upset to say anything. Ren gets up, open the door, retrieves the water from Futaba—he says something to her, too, but Goro can’t quite make out what he’s saying—and then shuts the door and returns back to the floor.

He holds out a container of water and Goro accepts it, unscrewing the lid to take a moroseful sip. Ren doesn’t say anything until he’s finished drinking and the bottle has been set down on the floor.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. “We don’t have to, but I’m offering. It might make you feel better.”

“Um.” Goro rubs his face. “I don’t know. I don’t want to upset you.”

“Was I there?”

“Yeah.” Goro sighs. “You were. You killed yourself in front of me. The blood went everywhere.” 

It might be best to leave out the interrogation room detail.

“Well.” Ren offers a sad smile. “I’m alive and right here. It’s only a dream. Your subconscious is trying to get back at you for something.”

“I suppose it is,” Goro says, trying to laugh but failing. “I—are they going to ask me if I’m all right?”

“They?” Ren blinks. “Oh, right. I told them not to say anything before I followed you into the bathroom, so it shouldn’t be an issue, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I am,” Goro mumbles, “worried.”

Ren hums quietly, and then he moves forward a little bit and tentatively wraps his arms around Goro before leaning in for a full hug. Goro graciously accepts the gesture, looping his arms around Ren in a warm embrace, despite it being on the bathroom floor of all places.

“They’ll understand,” Ren whispers. “I promise. They’re not going to bring it up unless you bring it up first. I know that they’ll follow through with that.”

Goro sniffles once, twice, three times, and before he knows it he’s crying. He isn’t sure why—is it because everybody is being so nice to him? Is that it? Or is it because he’s still upset from the dream? Regardless of the reasoning, it feels good—cathartic—and he lets himself cry for a little while as a gift. He lets himself cry and he lets Ren hold him and doesn’t feel bad about it. Not yet.

They part and Goro wipes at his eyes and cheeks with his arm, sighing. “I’m all right now,” he says. “I apologize that you had to see me in such a sorry fucking state.”

“It’s okay,” Ren says, petting him on the head. “It’s fine. Things happen. Do you want to go back to bed? Or do you want to stay in here for a little longer?”

“Um.” Goro wrings his hands. “I’m not sure how easily I’ll fall back asleep, but I don’t particularly want to stay holed up in the bathroom for the rest of the night.”

“Let’s go back, then.” Ren stands up and holds out his arms to help Goro stand as well.

They turn the lights off, slide the door open, and head back to the bed. The lights in the main room are off once again, and everybody seems to have gone back to bed. Ren sets down the water bottle on the corner table and then crawls into bed after Goro, getting close to him.

“You want me to hold you?” Ren asks, giggling like a child at his own suggestion.

“Yeah,” Goro whispers, not bothering to pretend that he doesn’t want that. “Hold me, Ren.”

And, well—Ren does. He pulls Goro into his arms, tucks them underneath the blanket, and whispers a soft and sweet  _ goodnight  _ into Goro’s ear. It’s enough to send shivers down his spine and all the way to the tips of his toes. He feels Ren’s arms around him, like a protective seal, and closes his eyes.

Tomorrow morning he’ll worry about the embarrassment. 


	9. heart it races

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can hear you thinking,” Ren says, “Goro.”
> 
> “I’m always thinking,” Goro mumbles, sighing. “Some days more than others.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for mentions of past suicidal ideation

When Goro wakes up the next morning, Ren is still beside him.

He sits up, combing his fingers through his hair to fix the bedhead that is probably there, and looks down at Ren’s sleeping figure. He tends to sleep in the same way, Goro has noticed: curled up like a cat, with his hands tucked underneath his jaw, laying on his side. The two of them are similar in that Goro, too, likes to curl up when he sleeps, but unlike Ren, Goro moves around a lot in his sleep, so the blankets on his side tend to get messed up.

Well, it’s fine. Ren doesn’t seem to care very much about it, so Goro thinks that he isn’t going to care about it either.

He turns his head in the other direction to see that Futaba is still asleep, too—Goro had almost forgotten how much these two like to sleep in. Ann and Ryuji are nowhere in sight, though; Goro assumes that they must have gone out to get breakfast or something.

All at once, he becomes aware of how absolutely gross his mouth tastes, so Goro heaves himself out of bed and stalks into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he looks at himself in the mirror, he nearly doesn’t recognize himself—he looks pretty terrible today. His face is pale and the dark circles underneath his eyes are rather prominent—likely thanks to the little amount of sleep he got last night.

It took a very long time to fall back asleep. In total, Goro thinks that he slept around four hours, which is approximately the same amount of sleep that he used to get back when he was working under Shido. The sensation of being absolutely exhausted—the warm burning behind his eyelids, the fuzzy cottony feeling in his brain, the way that his limbs feel like they’re being dragged down by sandbags—all of these feelings take him back to the time when he was a teenager, and he absolutely hates it.

This trip is off to a bit of a rough start.

He’s really trying to not let any of this get him down, though, because he’s already come all the way out here to Yamagata in a car and he wants to make the best of it. This is a rather  _ new  _ mindset that he’s trialling; typically, Goro would succumb to misery and just let himself be cranky and grumpy, but he wants to at least hope that things will get better. 

After all, it’s not like there’s anything he can do.

Goro finishes brushing his teeth, spits in the sink, rinses his toothbrush, and then heads back outside into the main bedroom area. He sits on the edge of the bed and unplugs his phone from where it was charging to look at the time—just past ten in the morning. It’s earlier than he thought it was. 

He wonders whether or not he should wake up Ren and Futaba. It’s not like they’re going to be sleeping in this hotel room all day long, right? As far as Goro is aware, there are, in fact, plans for the five of them to head out and do something.

Unfortunately, Goro isn’t sure how comfortable he is waking up Futaba, but he can certainly wake up Ren. Maybe it’ll be better to wake him up now, so that he can get up gently. Who knows how Ann and Ryuji might want to wake him up.

There’s nothing he can do about Futaba, but he figures that he may as well bother Ren a little bit.

He puts his phone down and crawls onto the bed again so that he’s laying down on his stomach next to mister sleeping beauty. “Ren,” he says, jostling him ever so slightly. “You should wake up now.”

Ren does not reply.

“Ren,” Goro tries again, shaking him a little more. “You can’t sleep forever.”

“I’mnotgettingup,” Ren slurs, turning over onto his other side and tugging the blankets over his head.

So… cute. Goro thinks that he’s going to die right here. Ann and Ryuji are going to have to deal with his dead body and it’s going to suck.

No—no! What is Goro thinking? He can’t give in so easily. He takes Ren by the shoulder and flips him onto his back, and that wakes him right up. His eyes snap open and Goro bursts into laughter at the sight of it. He half-expects Ren to be angry with him, but as per usual, Ren completely subverts his expectations and bursts out into laughter as well. 

“Good morning,” Ren says. “Come here, I don’t have my glasses on.”   
  
“Weren’t they fake?” Goro asks, pulling himself closer anyway. 

“They were. But then my vision actually started getting bad and I had to get a real prescription. I’m pretty sure it’s karma or something.”

“You, having bad karma? I’m not quite sure that’s possible,” Goro says, and there’s a smile touching his lips.

“Maybe everyone who had to wear glasses for a real reason channeled their energy together and placed an eyesight curse on me.” Ren smiles back. “That’d be pretty funny.”

“Funny, but not entirely likely,” Goro says. 

“You never know.”

“I suppose I don’t.”

Silence. Ren is staring at him very hard, and Goro is hovering just over top of him, and if they both leaned in just a little bit more—

When will Goro know if he’s ready? When will he feel as though he has repented enough? When will he feel as though he is allowed to truly act on his feelings?

“I can hear you thinking,” Ren says, “Goro.”

“I’m always thinking,” Goro mumbles, sighing. “Some days more than others.”

“I can tell. Is Futaba still asleep?”

Goro turns to look at her. “She is. I felt strange waking her up, so I… didn’t.”

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Ren says, sitting up a little bit. The position is a little uncomfortable like this, so Goro sits up, too, scrabbling the blankets as he does so.

Ren manages to get himself up into a fully seated position after a moment. He glances over at Futaba and then back to Goro, raising a single eyebrow. Then he does something that makes time slow down a little bit—he pats his lap. “Come here,” he says again.

And, well—Goro complies. His body seems to move on its own; one moment he is sitting in the blankets, and the next he has sat himself down on top of Ren’s lap. His arms loop themselves around the back of his neck and he looks into Ren’s eyes, seeing hard far he can get lost in them. It’s a rather cliche romantic thing to think, but Goro doesn’t particularly care in this moment.

Ren smiles at him. Goro smiles back. His chest is blooming, thrumming, chirping with life.

“Goro,” Ren whispers, lifting a hand up to cup Goro’s cheek, hand lingering there delicately. “Kiss me.”

That’s the only prompting that Goro needs. Forget what he was thinking about earlier—forget about repenting. He has this wonderful gift right in front of him, and all he has to do is lean in and chase it— 

Suddenly, there’s the sound of a door opening up, and Ren and Goro practically fly away from one another until they’re sitting on opposite ends of the bed.

“Sorry we were gone so long!” Ryuji shouts, lifting up a plastic bag full of what Goro assumes is food. He’s not really thinking about whatever the food is, though; he’s too busy being pissed off that his moment was ruined. He sits there, on the bed, arms crossed over his chest, with a scowl carved deep into his face.

God fucking damn it.

“Why do you look so unhappy to see us?” Ann asks, frowning at Goro as she looks him up and down. 

“I’m not unhappy,” Goro mumbles, failing to not act unhappy. “I’m just tired.”

Ann slaps him on the shoulder and it takes every ounce of willpower in his shitty, shitty heart to not launch himself at her. But Goro knows that would be a terrible, horrible thing to do, so he keeps himself steady. “You better be less tired! Once you three eat some breakfast we’re heading out. Is Futaba awake?”

“No,” Ren says.

“Yes I am,” Futaba mumbles into her pillow. She sits up and moves her hair out of her face with a sigh. “I’m awake. I’ve been awake.”

Uh oh. Goro and Ren look at each other and Ren cracks a big smug smile. 

“Good,” Ann says, and it takes Goro a second to realize that she’s speaking to Futaba. “Here, eat your breakfast. We oh-so-generously bought stuff for you guys instead of leaving you to starve.”

“Thanks so much.” Futaba holds out her hands for the food, and Ryuji takes something out from the bag and places it in her palms.

“You guys hungry?” he asks, turning to Ren and Goro. He eyes Goro warily for a moment and then pulls out some food for them, too, before handing it on over. Then he plops himself down on the pullout couch next to Ann with a sigh.

“What are we doing today again?” Ren asks through his chewing.

“We’re going to the Tsuruoka City Kamo Aquarium first,” Ann says, pulling something out from her pocket. Chapstick. “And then after that we figured we might as well head over to Gotenzeki to go shopping and buy more food. Plus, the canals are there, so we’ll be able to get a look at those, too. We figured that this’ll be enough to do.”

Futaba crosses her legs underneath herself. “That’s the aquarium with all of the jellyfish, right?” 

“Right,” Ann says. “They’ve got a huge tank full of tons of them. I’ve only ever seen what it looks like in pictures, so I’m sure that it’ll look all the more impressive up close.”

Goro has heard of this aquarium. It’s known for its massive-sized jellyfish tank. Apparently people come from near and far to visit it and see the jellyfish—they’re known to have a calming effect on people; or so it is said. Goro isn’t sure about the credibility of that—after all, they’re just jellyfish—but he supposes that he’s interested in seeing it regardless.

What he’s really interested in, though, is getting another moment alone with Ren. Who knows when that opportunity will arise next, though—he’s going to have to be patient. Goro is already impatient enough as it is, but this is a  _ true  _ test of patience, he thinks. 

He’s going to get to have his moment no matter what, he decides.

“Come on, hurry up and eat,” Ryuji says, waving his hands around wildly as if it would make everybody eat faster. “You guys still have to get dressed and stuff. We’ve been waiting around all morning.”

“There’s nothing wrong with sleeping in a little bit,” Futaba tuts, pulling herself out of bed. She turns to Ren and Goro. “I’m using the bathroom first.”

Then she flashes them an all-knowing smile and disappears into the bathroom.

Ren puts a hand on Goro’s shoulder—a tentative, gentle one. “Do you think that she..?”

“Yes,” Goro says, knowing exactly what Ren is talking about:  _ do you think that she heard us? That she could see us?  _ “I do.”

Ann and Ryuji look puzzled. They both raise their eyebrows at the same time. “Did something happen while we were gone?”

“Oh, nothing,” Goro replies, easy. He can tell that neither of them believe him because their eyebrows stay raised, but Goro isn’t going to elaborate any further, so he doesn’t care. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Right,” Ann says. “We won’t, then.”

The conversation very tersely ends there. Goro and Ren look at each other—awkwardly—and Ann and Ryuji look at each other—awkwardly. They all exchange stupid, vaguely confused glances with one another, and the tension in the room becomes so painful that Goro simply picks up his phone and pretends to read the news.

* * *

An hour and a half later, the five of them find themselves at the aquarium. 

Goro doesn’t tend to visit aquariums very often, because in his experience, it’s much more enjoyable to go to them with a friend or at the very least, an acquaintance. But his memories of going to aquariums are fond ones, which is nice, because he doesn’t have many of those.

The first time that Goro went to an aquarium was when he was a very, very small child. His mother took him to one, he remembers, and it was absolutely fantastic. Despite going at such a young age, even now Goro remembers the way in which he felt when he first looked into the main tank and saw tons of fish and manta rays swimming all around.

_ “Look!” he had said, pointing at a ray. “He’s smiling!” _

_ “Yes he is,” his mother had said. _

It’s funny, he thinks, that he is able to remember this memory so very vividly, down to the smallest details: the clothes that he was wearing, the clothes that his mother was wearing, the weather outside, et cetera. He supposes that it was just a very important moment, and one of the few positive ones he has of childhood. His mother was poor, and so going to the aquarium was an absolute treat—she must have been saving up for a long time. Only now does he realize that.

His other aquarium memory, of course, is when he and Ren went to the aquarium together during the summer. It was a date thinly veiled as a fun friendly excursion, but Ren probably saw right through it, knowing him and his tendency to observe things silently. Regardless, though, Goro had a nice time. He remembers walking home to his shitty apartment that evening and feeling lighter than he had in months.

So, overall: aquariums are nice. Good things tend to happen there, and so he is hopeful that something else good will happen today. Luck doesn’t always seem to be on Goro’s side, but he is really, really wishful that today it will have mercy on him and allow him to have a good, fun time.

God knows he deserves it.

Oh, but maybe he doesn’t. This is a thought loop that Goro easily gets stuck in: whether or not he deserves goodness or not. Ann and Ren and even Futaba seem to be convinced that he deserves a little bit of goodness, and about ten percent of the time, Goro agrees with them. But the other ninety percent of the time, he doesn’t: how can such a person like him deserve happiness?   
  
Surprisingly, it took a while for the guilt of murder to settle on top of Goro’s shoulders. During the time where he and the Phantom Thieves worked together to stop Maruki, he didn’t really feel much guilt for the things he had done—perhaps it’s because he didn’t have much time to process all of it.

Shortly afterwards, though, he started feeling… bad. Very, very, very bad.

The few months after society reverted itself back to normal and out of Maruki’s control were some of the most painful months of Goro’s life, which is saying a lot, because he’s endured a lot of horrible months. He imagined that  _ this  _ is what it must feel like to have one’s heart stolen: painful, agonizing, like there was a boulder expanding in his rib cage and crushing his bones and organs. It was unbearable. There was little that he could bring himself to do save for lying in bed and thinking about dying for twenty three hours.

He felt useless. Guilty. Evil. It was not a good time. He envisioned killing himself but couldn’t figure out a way to do it that wouldn’t inconvenience other people. After going through a wave of guilt for killing people, it didn’t seem fair to simply off himself and get out of his head the easy way.

And of course, there were some people that he didn’t feel guilty killing. Okumura Haru’s father, for instance, was one of these people. The man was planning on selling his daughter to further benefit his company. Of course Goro couldn’t feel a shred of sympathy for such a despicable man.

Of course not.

“Hey,” a voice says, and Goro blinks once, twice, and realizes all at once that he’s been staring at a small tank of seahorses for a while. He turns his head and sees that the voice belongs to Ryuji. “We’re moving on ahead. Are you okay? You’ve been, uh, standin’ here and starin’ at this tank for a while.”

“Oh… yes.” Goro frowns. “I’m fine. I suppose I simply got lost in thought for a little while is all. Nothing to worry about, though. I’ll come along with you.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ryuji asks, raising an eyebrow.

Oh, great. He’s being hounded with the  _ are you okay  _ question. This is one of Goro’s least favorite questions, because it requires him to be honest. “I’m seriously fine,” he says, frowning harder. “It’s none of your business.”

Ryuji sighs. “Y’know, Akechi-kun, Ann and Ren might have forgiven you, but I haven’t.”

“How refreshing to hear,” Goro says, immediately sneering. “I was hoping that somebody has their head on straight. Even I wouldn’t forgive myself.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I know that you sacrificed yourself twice for our sake, but…” Ryuji shakes his head. “You killed people, man. You killed Futaba’s mom.”

“Did I kill people? Sorry, I wasn’t aware.” Goro’s eye twitches. “Thank you for the humbling reminder. Sometimes I forget to think about it.”

Now Ryuji is frowning, too; it seems that this conversation has taken a rather sour turn. Isn’t this supposed to be a fun, enjoyable road trip? Isn’t that the whole point? “Whatever. I don’t want to talk about this. Stop staring at the stupid seahorses and hurry up.”

Goro doesn’t need to be told twice. He’s sick of this conversation and he’s sick of Ryuji, so Goro simply walks away without saying anything else and heads down the wide hallway to find the rest of their group, leaving Ryuji behind him.

Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Goro wants to go back home and bury himself into a hole in the park and stay there forever.

He sticks with the three others for a while but doesn’t say much, trying to conceal how upset he actually is. The nerve of Ryuji. The  _ nerve.  _ But then again—maybe Goro deserves it. Maybe he deserves to be constantly reminded of the sin he’s committed. Maybe he— 

“The jellyfish are in the next area,” Futaba suddenly says, poking Goro on the shoulder. They’ve gone through a couple more areas since the seahorses and he’s since then sat himself down on a bench and is currently staring at his thighs, deep in thought, lost in his anger and frustration. Futaba touching his shoulder is like being shocked back into the world.

“Um,” he says, “okay.”

“Walk with me for a little bit,” she instructs, holding a hand out to help Goro stand, which is totally unnecessary, but a kind gesture nevertheless. He takes her hand and stands, sighing a little bit. Ren, Ryuji, and Ann are apparently nowhere in sight—he must have really zoned out—so he has no choice but to walk with Futaba.

“I don’t want to be annoying,” Futaba says, “but are you feeling okay? You’ve been pretty distant today and I’m worried.”

“I beg you to not be worried about my wellbeing. I’m fine. I suppose that I’ve just been… thinking a little too hard lately. This road trip isn’t exactly going as planned. I keep embarrassing myself, and I—”

“Slow down, Akechi-kun. Are you not having fun, then?” She blinks. “You can be honest.”

Goro sighs again. He has no reason to be dishonest, especially not when Futaba is specifically asking him to be truthful. And besides, he owes it to her to be truthful. “I’m not having much fun, no. I would like to have fun, I assure you, but things just… keep happening. And I’m almost certain that Sakamoto-kun absolutely hates me.”

“Do you hate him?”

He considers this. “I don’t hate him. But I definitely don’t have an easy time getting along with him.”

“I think that you guys just have to find some common ground,” Futaba explains, moving her hands around as she speaks. “Once you figure that out things will start to be better.”

“That sounds ideal,” Goro mumbles. Ideal, sure, but he’s not quite convinced that it’s realistic. “Maybe one day.”

“I bet you that by the end of this trip you’ll both be a lot closer to one another. You’re free to not believe me, but I’m usually pretty right about this sort of thing. I like to think that I have good instincts.” She sounds very proud of herself. “What makes you say that he hates you, by the way?”

“Oh. Hm.” No sense beating around the bush, he supposes. “He’s very… keen on bringing up the… murders that I’ve carried out.”

“I see, I see.” Futaba seems utterly unfazed, which is nice of her. “Well—he’ll come around. He will. The rest of us have, so… it’s only a matter of time before he does, too. Look forward to it, because once Ryuji is your friend, you’ll never be able to shake loose of him.”

“Right,” Goro says, though he still doesn’t feel very convinced.

He’s about to say something else but is cut off because he suddenly becomes aware of the fact that there is a gigantic tank of jellyfish right in front of him. How on earth had he not seen it before? Was he really so lost in conversation? Goro feels immensely worried about his observational skills. 

Anyway—the jellyfish. There are a  _ ton  _ of them, glowing a pale white color, juxtaposed by their bright neon blue background. They swim around in their massive tank in a circular pattern, unbothered and unaffected by the tons of people that are looking at them. Goro wasn’t convinced that this was going to be as relaxing as everyone said it was, but—looking up at the slowly-moving plethora of jellyfish is starting to change his mind.

He walks up to the tank and stares.

Goro briefly imagines himself as a jellyfish floating around the tank. He wouldn’t have a care in the world—there wouldn’t be anything at all to worry about. No stresses, no trauma, no past self to agonize over. He could simply be a jellyfish floating around a big tank and that would be it. Simple, easy, calm.

It makes him feel a little bit sad.

“Hey,” Ren says, coming up from behind. 

“Hey,” Goro says back, smiling. “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been wandering around with Ann a little bit. Sorry for disappearing. She’s just really passionate about sea creatures, apparently. Never would have guessed.” He shrugs. “Do you like the jellyfish?”

“I suppose that I do,” Goro says. “Truthfully, I was just imagining myself as one. I think that it would be relaxing.”

“I dunno enough about jellyfish to know whether or not it would be actually relaxing—maybe they’re secretly freaks, you know?—but based off of visuals alone, then yeah. I’d say being a jellyfish would be pretty neat.”

“Maybe in my next life I’ll be reborn as a jellyfish.” Goro chuckles.

“Oh yeah? Then I guess I’d want to be reborn as a jellyfish too,” Ren says, and oh—oh. That was an incredibly… heartwarming thing for him to say. Goro thinks that his heart might just fall out of its chest. 

“Is that so?” he raises an eyebrow, trying to act nonchalant. “I look forward to being a jellyfish with you, then.”

“Uh huh, me too.” Ren steps a little closer and wraps an arm around Goro’s back; his hand comes to rest around on the side of his hip, holding him gently. It feels… nice. Secure. Goro feels safe in his arms, which—maybe that’s a little overdramatic considering that they’re only looking at a bunch of jellyfish, but still. He feels much better than he had a few moments ago.

He looks at the jellyfish and decides that for now, he’d like to remain a human. Just for now.

* * *

They spend the majority of the day inside of the aquarium, wandering around in a loop at least three times. This is to ensure that they’re definitely getting their money’s worth out of their trip—or so Ann had said. 

Whatever the reasoning for it, Goro doesn’t particularly mind. He likes the aquarium—he likes the jellyfish tank, and he also likes being able to see the sharks and manta rays and what have you. There is plenty to look at, plenty to think about, and plenty of places to stare off into space and stew about various things. 

By the time they leave the aquarium, it’s already the late afternoon. The outside temperature is barely bearable, and it continues to be barely bearable as they walk through Gotenzeki. There is plenty to see here—there are lots and lots of little shops and places to eat, and the canals are nice, too. The sound of water babbles through the air, soft and gentle. It is the perfect ambient background noise, Goro thinks, and it makes him consider using a white noise machine to sleep.

They wander around Gotenzeki for a while, checking out shops and cafes but not buying anything until they eventually decide on a place to eat. The five of them sit themselves down at a restaurant and order their dinner and eat in relative silence. This is likely due to how damn hungry everybody is—at least, Goro assumes that this is why nobody is talking to one another. He himself is absolutely starving, and he relishes in the food that he’s ordered, utterly content to just eat and say nothing else. 

Once they’ve all finished up, they stand and head back out. They’ve been walking around so much that Goro’s feet have started to hurt tremendously, which is a pretty rare occurrence, because he generally likes to walk around a lot. Getting back to the hotel and laying back on the bed is going to feel very nice, and he’s looking forward to it.

By the time that they’ve finished eating, the day has settled into the evening, and the sky has lost most of its blue color and is transitioning itself into an array of pinks and oranges and yellows and purples. The five of them walk along the side of the canals, chatting amongst themselves about dinner and the day that they’ve had and so on and so forth.

It’s… nice. It’s nice to be able to do this, Goro thinks. Although a large chunk of the road trip so far has been rocky, the moment that they’re having right now is a good one. It’s calming, just like the jellyfish were, and for the time being, Goro doesn’t feel particularly stressed out about anything. He can simply focus on walking with his… friends.

With his friends.

“Let’s get a picture together,” Futaba suddenly says. “The sunset looks really nice right now.”

“Should we ask somebody to take it for us?” Ann asks, standing in place and putting her hands on her hips. “Or…”

“Nah, it’s fine. I rigged up my phone so that it’s easier to take photos with the self-timer. That way I, uh, have less of an excuse to ask a stranger for help…” Futaba trails off, looking mildly embarrassed with herself. That’s interesting—Goro has been wondering whether or not her social phobia has gotten better at all, but it seems as though this is something she still struggles with. Not that there’s anything bad or shameful about that, of course; after all, Goro still struggles with a lot of the same things he used to struggle with. He can sympathize with Futaba.

“Stand over there,” she says, pointing to a spot by a railing that admittedly looks perfect for a photo-op. The four of them get into place—Ann stands next to Ryuji, Ryuji stands next to Ren, and Ren stands next to Goro—while Futaba sets up her phone. She fiddles around with it a little bit and then hurries over to stand, too. She hops right next to Ann and flashes a big smile at everybody. “Look pretty for the camera!”

Goro smiles, and after a moment, there’s the sound of a shutter clicking. Futaba runs back over to her phone and picks it up, staring at it for a moment before turning it over and showing everybody else. There’s a picture on the screen—it’s the five of them with the sunset in the background. Honestly—it’s a very nice picture. If it were shown to somebody else, they wouldn’t be able to deduce that one of the people standing in the picture is a murderer. How lovely!  Goro is very pleased with the picture. 

“I’ll send it to you guys later,” Futaba says, tucking her phone back into her pocket. 

Then they get the rest of their bearings and head back to the car.

* * *

Later that night, once Goro has packed all of his things away into his suitcase—they’re going to be leaving Yamagata tomorrow—he finds himself laying on his back on the bed, staring at the photograph that Futaba had taken earlier.

As he stares at it, Ren emerges from the bathroom, hair wet and face a pleasantly tinted pink color from the shower heat and steam. He sits down on the side of the bed with a towel draped on top of his head, and after a moment, he flops onto his back and the curls up onto his side, slotting himself next to Goro. 

“What’re you doing?” he asks, eyeing the picture on Goro’s phone.

“Oh, I suppose I was just… taking a look at this picture,” Goro mumbles. 

“Is something about it bothering you?”   


Hm—that’s a good question, and one that Goro isn’t quite sure of the answer to. He debates with himself in his head for a moment before coming to an answer. “I’m very preoccupied by how normal it looks,” he decides to say. This is the best way that he can put it—for a group of people who live an utterly bizarre life, this photo is the epitome of normalcy: five friends taking a picture together.

“Is that a bad thing?” Ren raises an eyebrow. “Do you not want it to look normal?”

“No, there isn’t anything bad about it. I guess that I just—it’s just surprising to me. I spent a lot of time as a teenager trying to cultivate my life in a way that would make me feel as normal as possible so that I could conform, but it never seemed to work out in my favor. I always ended up feeling a bit like a freak.” Oh, that’s a pretty personal thing to say. There’s no taking it back now, though. “It’s strange to… see.”

“Hmm. I think that I can understand what you mean. I gave up trying to conform pretty early when I was in high school, because it just didn’t seem like something that would reasonably happen to me. But I understand why you wanted to do it. And I understand how the picture might be weird to look at.” Ren takes Goro’s phone out of his hands, and Goro lets him do so. He stares at the picture and zooms in on Goro. “I think that you look really good here,” he says. “You look happy. I like seeing you when you’re happy.”

Goro is going to start blushing like a helpless maiden any second now, he’s sure of it. He snatches his phone back from Ren’s grip and turns it over before setting it down on his thigh. “Thank you,” he says. “But don’t only compliment me. I think that you looked good too. Even now you look good, all sweaty from the shower.”

“Gee, thanks.” Ren laughs.

“I’m being serious,” Goro grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest. “Take me seriously.”

“Goro, I wouldn’t dare to never take you seriously,” Ren whispers, and  _ wow  _ he’s gotten very close to Goro’s face in the past two and a half seconds. His lips ghost over Goro’s jaw and he presses one very, very sweet and chaste kiss there; it’s so soft that Goro can barely feel it, but he knows that it’s there.

He’s about to say something else but is interrupted by the sound of Futaba slapping her hands together. “Okay, everyone!” she shouts, giving a harsh glance over to Goro and Ren, who distance themselves from one another just a little bit. “We’re going to watch a movie. If nobody has any requests, then I’m going to pick one.”

Everyone decides that Futaba may as well be the one to pick a movie, and so she selects something from the television menu and turns the volume up before hopping back into her bed alongside Ann. Ryuji joins the two of them on their bed—his pullout couch doesn’t face the television—and gets himself comfortable. 

And—well. The movie plays in the background, but Goro isn’t paying close attention to it. Instead he is focused on the feeling of Ren beside him, head tucked gingerly against his shoulder, and one of his index fingers traces little circles onto Goro’s hip. It’s the most intimate thing in the world—of course he can’t focus on the movie. Goro has never been treated like this before. He’s never been held like this, never been doted on so carefully, has never had the opportunity to have such a gift.

He doesn’t want to let this gift go. He wants to keep it. He wants to hold onto it tightly and treasure it forever. There is so much that he wants to tell Ren, so much that he wants to do with him. 

Goro decides that he is going to have his moment alone with Ren on this road trip no matter what. 


	10. caricature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goro groans, not sure how to get his point across. He’s never even sure what point he’s trying to make. There is no way to articulate how much of a nuisance he feels like without worrying anybody. “I need therapy, Ann,” he says, rubbing his face with his hands miserably. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for alcohol in this chapter--like, a lot of alcohol. they go bar crawling! how fun.

Today they are leaving Yamagata to travel to Hakodate.

All-in-all, it’s been a pretty… interesting time in Yamagata. For one thing, Goro had that horrendous episode when he had a nightmare on the first night, which was absolutely awful. He’s still not completely over the embarrassment that came with that, and last night he couldn’t help but feel self conscious before he was about to go to bed, because—what if he had another nightmare? Then what?

It sucks. Goro doesn’t have nightmares too frequently anymore, but apparently one decided to haunt him that night just for the fun of it. Fortunately, though, nobody has brought it up to him like Ren said they wouldn’t do, which is nice and considerate of them. Goro was sort of assuming that Ryuji might have brought it up in the aquarium after their miniature argument just to humiliate him, but he didn’t, and that was a rather thoughtful surprise.

Speaking of the argument in the aquarium—that’s another shitty thing that happened while in Yamagata. Goro doesn’t know what it is that he did to piss Ryuji off so immediately—well, that’s not true; he can definitely make a guess or two—but he _almost_ wishes that he could take it back, because the looming tension between the two of them is rather annoying. Goro isn’t going to do anything, though—after all, he can’t  _ force _ Ryuji to like him. He’s just going to have to wait for him to come around like Futaba said. He’s considered approaching Ryuji and initiating the conversation himself, but Goro has a feeling that this would only make things worse.

So—that’s two bad things that have happened during their time in Yamagata. 

There are some good things that happened too, of course. For one thing, Goro nearly kissed Ren but was then interrupted—maybe that counts more as a bad thing than a good thing, actually—and they also took that photo together by the canals, which was nice. Oh, and the jellyfish were relaxing to look at. 

Overall, there has been an annoying balance of bad things and semi-good things so far. Goro is really hoping that their time in Hakodate will be better than their time in Yamagata, because otherwise, he’s going to start getting really frustrated. After all, this is supposed to be a fun and relaxing trip—and if shitty stuff keeps happening, then isn’t all of this just one big waste?

At least Ren seems to be having a good time. That’s one good thing.

Honestly, though, Hakodate is already sounding miles more promising than Yamagata was. For one thing, Futaba told him that they’ve rented out a small sort of condo thing this time around instead of just a hotel room, so that means that there will be more  _ privacy  _ this time around. And Goro—who is desperately trying to get a moment alone with Ren—is particularly happy about that.

Of course, he hasn’t gone on this road trip  _ just  _ for Ren. If he did that, Goro would be making himself miserable, and he probably wouldn’t have gone along. He came on the road trip to spend time with Ann, too, and to get closer to Futaba, who is somebody that he desperately wants to talk to. He wants to apologize to her, to clarify some of his actions, but at the same time he doesn’t want to upset her, either. It’s a slippery slope.

And Goro supposes that he’s also gone along on this road trip in order to better his relationship with Ryuji, though that doesn’t seem to be going all too well. Truthfully, out of everybody else, Ryuji is the person that Goro is least motivated to become friendly with, solely because they’ve never particularly gotten along with one another in the past. Ann and Futaba, though, have at least expressed mutual understanding towards him. Ryuji just seems like he still wants to punch Goro directly in the mouth.

Well, whatever. Hopefully it’ll all work out in the end. In the meantime, Goro is going to continue to be amiable with Ann and Futaba. If Ryuji ever wants to join in, he’s going to have to say so, or else Goro won’t make the effort. Maybe that’s a little selfish of him, but he doesn’t want to try and be genial towards somebody who won’t return the favor. It’s not worth it, despite all of the guilt.

The five of them check out from their hotel around noon. Futaba and Ren are still rather sluggish because apparently sleeping in until eleven in the morning isn’t enough for them. Goro finds it to be rather… cute, truthfully. He steers Ren to the car by his shoulders and Ann steers Futaba to the car by her shoulders, too; Goro and Ann grin at one another with all the mischievousness in the world embedded into their smiles. 

Because Ren is still tired, Ryuji offers to take the first turn driving, and so Goro piles into the back seat along with Futaba and Ren. This time around Goro sits squashed in the middle, uncomfortable. Complaining would be a waste of time, though, because there isn’t anything he can do about it.

Once Ann packs her suitcase into the trunk and sits up front in the passenger seat, they are off. 

The ride is silent in the beginning—likely because Ryuji is focused on figuring out how to get back on the freeway, and Ann is busy on her phone, and because both Futaba and Ren are sleepy. The two of them lean their heads against Goro, and he can’t help but feel very… special. Maybe it’s a silly sort of thing to think, but. After being alone for years and years and never developing any friendships past surface-level, he thinks that it’s pretty impressive that two people he’s betrayed are sleeping on him.

It makes him feel like forgiveness is possible, even for someone like him. Forgiveness is possible for a murderer like him. For a monster like him. For disgusting scum like him. For— 

Goro blinks himself out of that thought pattern before he upsets himself.

At any rate, he’s grateful that Futaba seems to be giving him another chance. He still doesn’t understand why they’re all so damn kind to him, but whatever. Goro isn’t going to question it. He feels like it would only cause trouble if he did—after all, Ren was pretty upset when Goro told him that he thought it would be for the best if they never spoke ever again. Perhaps it’s better to simply accept things as they are and question them at another time.

If only doing that weren’t so god damn difficult.

Well. All he can do for now is sit in the back of the car and think about this crap because he doesn’t have anything else to do. Part of him wishes, just for a moment, that he knew how to drive, because if he knew how to drive then he could at least be distracted by the road. And that’s what he really needs right now—a distraction. A distraction before he starts overthinking himself into oblivion.

This road trip, despite not even being halfway done yet, has already taught Goro a couple of things. For one, it’s foolish to deprive oneself of happiness, because it really, certainly hurts. And after depriving himself of happiness for the better part of his entire life, Goro is starting to truly believe that maybe—just maybe—he might deserve a little bit of happiness. Even if he feels guilty for it, happiness is something that he wants. He really does  _ want _ it. Maybe that makes him selfish, but he doesn’t care anymore.

He doesn’t want to waste any more years lost to himself.

Plus, Goro has been given a lot of good things. Only an idiot would decide to waste those things just to seek out more misery. And Goro likes to think of himself as  _ not  _ an idiot. He isn’t going to waste any more happiness. He isn’t going to waste any more time. 

Of course, all of this would be easier said than done if only he hated himself just a little bit less. There’s not much that can be done about that, unfortunately; it’s one of those things that is a long and slow process and he wants to be able to work it out himself eventually. It’s like Ren said—the point of living is to learn how to love yourself. He isn’t sure whether or not he believes that to be the full truth, but he certainly believes that learning to love yourself is an important part  _ of  _ living.

He sighs.

Ann must have heard the sigh, because she turns around in her passenger seat. She holds a hand up over her mouth when she sees Goro. “Wow,” she says, giggling. “You’re certainly popular back there, aren’t you?”

“I’m not sure if popular is the right word,” Goro grumbles, glancing at Futaba and then at Ren. “More like, ‘can be easily used as a pillow.’”

“Aw, don’t be like that. Besides, it’s kind of endearing. You know, you never really came off as the type of person to let other people sleep on you, but I guess I’m learning something new every day.”

The conversation must be interesting enough, because Ryuji quickly turns around to sneak a glance at Goro and the two sleepers before he turns back to face the road. “Damn,” he says, and Goro doesn’t miss the way that his grip tightens on the steering wheel, “you’re hogging all the attention.”

“I’m not ‘hogging’ anything,” Goro mumbles, already irritated by that remark. He’s trying to be amicable—he really is—but Ryuji is making it increasingly difficult. “They’re the ones who fell asleep on me like this.”

“Yeah, well.” Ryuji waves a dismissive hand. “Whatever.”

Goro sighs, and Ann gives him a meek looking smile as she mouths  _ sorry.  _ Goro makes a miserable sort of facial expression in return and says nothing else.

Ann then turns around, and the car goes back to being silent, save for the faint sound of music playing in the background.

* * *

When they reach another rest stop, the first thing that Ann does is pull Goro off to the side.

“Let’s talk,” she says, leading him away from the rest center building and over to a little bench. Goro watches as Futaba, Ren, and Ryuji all head inside to go to the bathroom or get food or whatever it is that they’re doing. “Are you doing okay?”   
  
Goro immediately frowns. He has got to stop doing that—he has to stop getting frustrated whenever people show even a modicum of care towards him. “I suppose so,” he says, deciding to be honest. “The trip has been off to… a bit of a rough start. But I’m hoping that things will get better.”

“You know, I have a good feeling that they will.” Ann nods and smiles. “Ryuji asked me if you and Ren are dating, by the way.”

Goro’s frown morphs into a scowl now that he’s heard that. “Is that why he’s been so cranky towards me?”

“Huh? Has he been being mean?” Ann raises an eyebrow.

“I’m not sure if ‘mean’ is the appropriate word. It’s more that… he just seems unsettled and grumpy.”

“Hmm. That might just be him, I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the fact that he thought you and Ren were dating.”

“Why does he think that, anyway?” Goro asks, folding his hands over top of each other on his lap.

Ann’s mouth drops open. “Are you kidding? You guys are practically glued at the hip. You’ve been like, three seconds away from making out with each other every time we’re in the hotel room.”

“No we haven’t,” Goro mumbles. He can  _ feel  _ his face turn a bright red color. “You’re overexaggerating.”

“Hardly,” Ann says. “But I’m happy for you. Are you—wait.  _ Are  _ you dating?”

“Um, no.” Goro looks down at his lap. “That’s mostly my fault. I said that I wasn’t ready yet.”

“So you’ve been stuck in a limbo,” Ann says. “Essentially.”

“I’m not sure if  _ limbo  _ is the exact word I would use to describe the situation, but sure. Something like that. It’s making me feel like a bit of a pain in the ass, truthfully. I feel bad for Ren.”

“Hey, don’t feel bad for him,” Ann says, reaching out a hand and then—stopping. “Is it okay if I give you a reassuring shoulder pat?”

Well, this is certainly the first time anybody has ever been courteous enough to ask whether or not Goro minds being touched. It’s kind of nice. “That’s fine, I guess.”

“Okay.” Ann pats Goro on the shoulder. “Anyway—don’t worry about Ren. He’s a big boy. And if any of this were making him upset, he’d say something.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Goro mumbles. Maybe Ann isn’t as aware of Ren’s pushover-therapist-friend tendencies as he assumed she would be. 

Ann raises an eyebrow. “What was that?”

“Nothing.” Goro sighs. “I suppose that I just wish I could make things easier for him.”

“He seems happy enough to be in your company, honestly.”

Goro groans, not sure how to get his point across. He’s never even sure what point he’s trying to make. There is no way to articulate how much of a nuisance he feels like without worrying anybody. “I need therapy, Ann,” he says, rubbing his face with his hands miserably. 

“Oh yeah?” Ann’s expression is more amused than anything else. “What makes you think that?”

Goro’s facial expression immediately morphs into a scowl, and he makes a string of incomprehensible grumbling noises as he looks in the other direction, trying to relax himself a little bit. “Whatever,” he mumbles. “I don’t have the time for it.”

“But you have the time to go on a road trip with us? And you have enough time to spend nearly every day with Ren?” Ann smiles sadly. “I really don’t want to boss you around, because you’re living your own life and all that, but—just… consider therapy for real, okay? Not just in a joking, self-pity sort of way.”

“Excuse me? Self pity?” Goro’s hands curl into fists. 

“Sorry, that was a little out of line. I just get worried about you sometimes, you know? I don’t want you to be miserable for the rest of your life.”

Goro takes a breath.  _ Calm down _ , he tells himself.  _ She doesn’t mean anything bad by what she’s saying,  _ he reminds himself. “I understand,” he says. “I’ll… look into it eventually. My doctor has recommended it to me before because of the medication that I take, but I just…”

“You just?”

“I feel like finding somebody who will be able to understand my circumstances is impossible,” he explains. “No—I know that it’s impossible. Because what therapist in the entire country of Japan has been into the Metaverse? I’m betting none besides Maruki, and you would have to pay me more money than a lottery winning to get me to go and see that ridiculous freak of a—”

“Hey, don’t insult him,” Ann says, frowning. “I know you don’t like what he did, but he helped me through some stuff at school, so I can’t totally hate him. Plus, he’s not a counselor anymore.”

“Hm.” Goro huffs. “Shocking.”

“Yeah, exactly. Anyway—what were we talking about before this?”

“Um. Ren.”   
  
“Right!” Ann laughs. “Right, yeah. Like I said, I don’t think that Ren is upset or mad at you or anything. I know that he’s a pretty generous and easygoing person, but after a certain point, he can only stand so much bullshit.”   
  
“I suppose I’m just worried about the way that he tends to bend himself over backwards to help people. He used to always be so busy. And he would tell me about all of the other people he was spending time with when we went to the jazz club together in high school—he sounded horrendously busy. I don’t know how he managed to have a positive attitude.”

“Yeah, I dunno either, honestly.” Ann shrugs. “Ren is made out of steel, basically. But seriously, he doesn’t put up with as much bullshit as he used to. He’s grown into himself a little bit more.”   
  
“Well, that’s certainly a good thing,” Goro says.

“Mmm. Yeah. Oh, and speak of the devil—there he is now.” Ann points in the direction of the rest stop building and Goro turns his head around to see Ren emerging from the front doors. He waves back, a smile stretched out across his face.

“Hey,” he says, sitting down on the bench with them. “It’s hot outside. How are you guys just sitting here?”

“It’s not that bad,” Ann says, but she’s fanning herself with her hand. 

“You’re lying.” Ren looks at Goro. “Aren’t you hot?”

“I’m a little bit warm, yes,” Goro admits. “Where is everybody else?”

“They’re looking at some pamphlets inside or something. They said they’ll be out here soon. Do you guys not want to go inside at all, or…?”

“We’re all right,” Ann and Goro say in unison. 

Ren laughs. “Well, okay then. Anyway—Goro, I’m driving from here on out, so you get to sit up in the front. Sorry for falling asleep on you. Did I squash you?”

“I was, admittedly, a little bit squashed,” Goro says. “But it’s fine. I’ll get you back for it later tonight.”

The words are out of his mouth before Goro even has a moment to comprehend what they mean. Now he’s got to think up something clever to get back at Ren.

“Oh yeah? I’m looking forward to it,” Ren says, grinning. “Hit me with your best shot.”   
  
“Stop flirting,” Ann grumbles, frowning as she stands up. “I see Ryuji and Futaba. Let’s go to the car, I’m sick of sitting around in this humid weather.”

“So you  _ do  _ admit that it’s hot outside,” Ren snickers.

Ann waves a hand dismissively, not giving any sort of cohesive reply as she walks towards the car.

Goro and Ren look at one another and smile wide. 

* * *

There are three things that the five of them do when they reach their condo.

The first thing that happens is that they carry all of their bags inside. There’s lots of space in the condo—and although there was plenty of space in their hotel room, this is even  _ more  _ spacious. The bedrooms are decently sized and Goro and Ren can both fit their suitcases on the floor without any problems at all.

Fortunately, it doesn’t take them very long to get settled in. Like last time, they aren’t planning on unpacking anything from their suitcase clothing-wise, so there isn’t much work to do. Ren and Goro take out their face and skin products and set them down on the bathroom sink, and that’s just about as much work as is necessary.

Goro notes, with a hint of annoyance and jealousy, that Ren only seems to need to use a moisturizer. How unfair. Goro tries so hard to have clear skin, but even with multiple products it still ends up looking a little splotchy and grey. 

The second thing that they do is go out to get some food. The restaurant they’ve chosen is only a short walk from the condo, which is nice, because it’s still pretty warm outside and Goro doesn’t particularly feel like sweating his ass off anymore. 

They eat their meal together and talk and laugh and mumble and everything goes well. Goro is pretty happy with the way that things are turning out so far—Hakodate is definitely a much better experience than Yamagata was. Maybe that’s a slightly unfair assertion to make because they’ve only been here for an hour or two, but Goro doesn’t really care. He’s feeling hopeful.

Once they’re done eating, the five of them head back to the condo to get changed, because the third thing that they’re going to do is head out to do some bar crawling.

Goro has never done this before in his life. Honestly, he doesn’t drink alcohol much at all—the taste has never done anything for him, and getting drunk by himself is something that feels much too miserable. Not to mention that Goro’s tolerance to alcohol is… not the best. He’s a bit of a lightweight. It’s rather unfortunate, but he’s never had the need to be embarrassed about it because he never drinks with anybody.

Until today!

Goro’s not really sure what he’s supposed to wear, so he just puts on something that is slightly more fun and interesting compared to what he normally wears: a nice, white, silk, button-up shirt and a pair of black pants. The shirt feels nice and cool against his chest. He’s hoping that it prevents him from overheating too much.

He sits in the living area on his phone with Ryuji and Futaba as they wait for Ren and Ann to finish up. Ryuji is wearing what he normally wears—something with fun colors and a pair of shorts—and Futaba is wearing a plaid shirt and striped pants. It looks utterly ridiculous, Goro thinks, but somehow it kind of suits her at the same time.

The three of them talk amongst themselves—awkwardly, because Goro and Ryuji still aren’t on perfect terms with one another yet—but the conversation is enjoyable nonetheless. Goro thanks Ryuji for driving, and Ryuji mumbles a  _ you’re welcome,  _ and Futaba laughs nervously, and everything is totally fine.

The next person to emerge is Ann. She comes out wearing a nice sparkly dress; it’s the type of thing that somebody would wear to a party rather than to a bar, but perhaps those two things are more closely related than Goro thought they were. He’s also not exactly sure what type of bar they’re going to, but he thinks that it— 

Goro does not have time to finish his thought because Ren emerges from their bedroom.

He’s wearing a sleeveless, metallic grey shirt and a pair of long, shiny black pants. The shirt shows off how nice and sleek and toned his arm muscles are, and the pants hug his hips and thighs in a way that has Goro feeling like he needs to rub his eyes to make sure he’s not imagining all of this in his head.

“Wow,” he says aloud, forgetting that Ryuji, Ann, and Futaba are seated around him. When that realization dawns on him, though, he immediately turns bright pink, curling his hands into fists out of anger at his own sheer stupidity.

Futaba and Ann both laugh, which doesn’t help, and Ryuji says nothing at all, which is somehow worse than him saying something snarky or rude. Goro sighs, standing up and pacing all around the living area to try and brush off his embarrassment. “Don’t laugh at me,” he grumbles.

“Oh, Goro, we’re not laughing at you,” Ann says, wiping invisible dust off from her dress. “I promise. It was just—it was just so honest, you know? And also exactly what I was thinking.”

“I can’t help being extravagantly handsome,” Ren says, grinning. He’s currently leaning up against the wall, and is clearly quite smug with the whole situation. Goro wants to walk over to him and—and— 

—He’s not quite sure how to finish that sentence.

“All right, let’s stop standing around and get a move on,” Futaba says, hopping up from her seat on the couch. Ryuji follows suit, pushing himself up on his knees with a groan that makes him sound like an old man. 

Goro, who has decided that at this point subtlety is pointless, heads right on over to Ren’s side, who smiles brightly at him and offers his arm. Goro hooks his arm around Ren’s, smiles back at him rather devilishly, and then the two of them head out the door with everybody else.

Tonight will go one of two ways: it will either be an absolute horrible disaster, or it will be like a wonderful dream. Maybe it’s bad for Goro to think in black and white terms like this, but he’s almost one hundred percent positive in this assertion.

He is interested to see what happens.

* * *

They go to their first bar, and it goes like this:

Goro orders one, singular beer to start things off. It’s the only thing that he drinks at the bar out of nervousness of getting way too drunk immediately. He wants to at least have some decency and self-respect left for himself by the end of the night, so he figures that it might be best to start off slowly. Futaba seems to have the same idea—she, too, orders one beer. The two of them sit at the bar together, side by side, drinking their beers and shouting to one another over the other loud voices in the background. 

“Aren’t you nervous being in a place with so many people?” Goro asks, and—whoops, that might be a bit of a personal question, but whatever. He’s curious enough to ask it.

“A little bit!” Futaba shouts. “Not really as much as I used to be, though. Plus, I’m with all of you guys, so it’s like I have a little bit of a safety net, if that makes sense?”

“Yeah,” Goro says. “That makes sense. And I honestly don’t blame you for being anxious in a place like this. I feel like that’s a totally normal reaction…” He trails off, picking up his beer and taking a drink. “Where is everybody?”

“I think they went to take Ann to the bathroom,” Futaba explains. “They should be back soon. Why do you ask? Do you miss Ren?”

“That’s—er.” Goro sighs. “Please don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not making fun of you. I think it’s kinda sweet. It’s weird to see you all… dote-y though. Compared to how you usually act.”

“Yes, well. I’m still getting used to it myself.” Goro pauses. “Did you hear us talking the other morning back in Yamagata? The day we went to the aquarium?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. I did. I didn’t want to say anything, though, because I didn’t want to embarrass you guys. Or—I guess I mostly just didn’t want to embarrass you. I would have totally made fun of Ren.”

“Hm. I appreciate the thoughtfulness, I suppose,” Goro says. He’s surprised that Futaba seems to have so much…  _ respect  _ for him. 

“Sure, sure. Plus, I don’t feel like we’re close enough friends yet for me to do that kind of teasing.” 

Goro narrows his eyes. “Do you want to be closer friends to me?”

“I mean, yeah. I want to be able to understand you, if that makes sense? I feel like… somehow I owe it to you. Don’t take that the wrong way, though—I’m doing this out of my own volition. It’s something that I  _ want  _ for  _ myself. _ ”

“Okay,” Goro says. He still doesn’t really get it, but it’s too loud and sticky and warm in this bar to argue any further. “If that’s what you want, then fine.”

“Thanks for understanding,” Futaba says, nodding.

Shortly after their conversation, Ren, Ryuji, and Ann return. They all decide that it’s time to move onto their next bar, because this one is far too humid. Goro isn’t sure whether or not that’s going to get any better as the night progresses, but he doesn’t share that sentiment with the group. Instead, he finishes up his drink, sets it down on the counter, and exits the bar with everybody else.

They make it to their second bar, and it goes like this:

Goro orders more than just one beer this time around. He has a few shots—well, it’s more like two—and drinks some lemonade to get the disgusting taste of hard alcohol out of his mouth. Ren, Ann, Futaba and Ryuji all have shots too—together, the five of them clink their glasses together and share their drinks.

This is also the point where Goro begins to feel… something. He feels a little lighter on his feet and his brain is a little bit muddled, as if it were being slowly crushed in a mortar and pestle, but in a good way. The vision on the corners of his eyes goes a little bleary, and he finds it harder to keep his thoughts straight.

He can’t help but be all too aware of what he’s feeling like, because he hasn’t been tipsy in  _ ages.  _

“Do you drink a lot?” Ann asks him as they sit together on a booth seat.

“Not really,” Goro says, leaning back. “I don’t think that I’ve ever been properly drunk, now that I’m thinking about it.”

“Ooooh, really? Well, there’s a first time for everything.”

“I don’t want to make a fool out of myself,” he mumbles.

“I doubt that’ll happen. You’re too… hm. You’re too, like, stuck up for that to happen, y’know?”

“I’m not sure if that was a compliment or not,” Goro says, frowning slightly.

“It was both a compliment and an insult,” Ann explains, grinning from ear to ear.

Unfortunately, the prices at this bar are far too high for the five of them, and so instead of buying more drinks, they decide to head out to the next bar. It’s totally dark outside at this point, and the streetlights shine down on them as they walk through the street. Futaba skips as she walks and Ryuji skips with her. The two of them are yards away from Ann, Ren, and Goro, who trail behind them, talking amongst one another.

They make it to their third bar, and it goes like this:

The first thing that happens once they’ve all settled into another booth is Ryuji disappearing to the front of the bar. The four of them wait at the table while he orders them drinks—and he certainly doesn’t skimp out. Ryuji buys them all three shots each because it was so reasonably priced, and he also buys everyone their own cocktail.

“I based your cocktail orders offa your personalities,” he explains as he sits down and starts dishing out the drinks. The one that he’s picked out for Goro happens to be a Ginza Spritz, which Goro has never tried before. He’s also not exactly sure how Ryuji picked this based off of his personality, but—whatever. He doesn’t care enough to ask. He’ll just store the information in the back of his brain for another time.

From there, things escalate quickly. Very quickly.

They have their three shots and they finish their cocktails. Goro sips on his slowly, trying and failing to keep himself from getting too embarrassingly drunk, but after taking all of those shots, Goro knows that he’s passed the threshold. After a little bit of time passes Ryuji brings over a plate of four more shots—one for each of them except for Futaba, who has opted out—and they clink their glasses together before downing them.

Goro feels like he’s on a boat.

At least he’s sitting at a booth, though. Standing up feels like a herculean task at the moment, and so does walking. Goro is thoroughly enjoying looking around at all the lights, though, and the booth seat is comfortable and cushioned and feels nice when he rubs his hands against the surface of it, taking in the sensation of being grounded. 

Futaba orders them a bunch of food, and between the five of them, it disappears very quickly. Goro feels as though he’s never enjoyed eating food this much in his life—and even though the world is swaying around him, even though the lights are brighter and his vision is smeared and he can feel his heartbeat and the thin line of sweat covering his forehead—he feels good. He feels content.

It certainly helps that Ren is seated next to him, though. And as it turns out, Ren is rather touchy when he’s drunk—he loops his arms around Goro’s shoulders and hangs from him, resting his head against the side of his arm as he mumbles nearly incomprehensible words and phrases into Goro’s ear. It’s enough to get Goro extremely riled up, and between the booming sound of other people talking in the background and Ren’s own whispery voice, Goro feels as though he might explode any moment.

There’s a lull in the conversation between the two of them when Ann and Futaba help him up to go to the bathroom, though, leaving only Ryuji and Goro at the table.

Goro wants to talk to Ryuji.

“Hey,” he says, pointing at him. “Do you—do you hate me?”

“Huh?” Ryuji makes a face like he can’t possibly understand the question Goro has just asked, and then his eyes suddenly go wide. “Oh—uhhhh, no, dude, I don’t.”   
  
“Then why were you such an asshole to me at the aquarium?” Goro asks, and the way that his words slur together makes him feel unrefined, but there isn’t really anything that he can do about it at this point because his brain is like one big bowl of soup. “You barely even _look-ed_ at me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Ryuji says. “I just… I have a hard time… forgiving you. And I know that at this point I should probably just move on, ‘cus everyone else has mostly moved on, but I dunno… maybe there’s something wrong with me.”

“There isn’t anything wrong with you,” Goro affirms. “If I were you, I wouldn’t want to forgive me either. You don’t have to forgive me. I just wanted to know whether or not you hated me for my—for my— for my own… personal knowledge.”

“Well, no, I don’t hate you, man. Sorry if I made you think that I do.” Ryuji says. “I wanna be friends with you, I think. I guess I just haven’t warmed up to you yet. But I see the way that Ren acts around you, ‘nd I see the ways that you treat him and Futaba and Ann, and it makes me feel… hm… glad. ‘Cause I can tell that you’re treating them well.”

“Of course I treat them well. They’re my friends,” Goro says, and, oh, man. He’s finally admitting that to himself! He has friends. Futaba and Ann are his friends. It feels weird to say such a thing aloud, considering everything. 

“Yeah, well.” Ryuji sighs again. “I know. Again, uhhhhh, I’m sorry. Let’s—truce? Let’s shake on it. Let’s start over.”   
  
Ryuji sticks his hand out, and Goro takes it. They shake, look at each other in the eyes, and Ryuji even smiles.

Goro feels better than he has in a while. 

After a couple of minutes, the girls and Ren all come back to the table and deposit themselves back into the booth seat. Ren immediately resumes his clinging, dragging his hands all over Goro’s torso, and the touch feels like he’s being shocked by a lightning bolt. Goro takes a deep, shaky breath, mumbles a  _ you’re insatiable  _ into Ren’s ear, and sighs. Ren mumbles back  _ sooooorry  _ and huffs a little bit, and it’s entirely too cute.

Futaba bangs her hand on the table to get them to separate from each other a little bit, and it works.

Eventually, once they’ve completely finished all of the food that Futaba ordered them, they decide that it’s best to go home. It’s one in the morning by the time they leave, and the streets are far less crowded now. Ren and Ann sing loudly to one another on the way home, and Ryuji carries Futaba on his back, who seems to be even more of a lightweight than Goro is.

“Carry me,” Goro mumbles, draping himself over Ren’s shoulders, mirroring Ren’s earlier actions.

“I caaaan’t promise you that I won’t accidentally fall over,” Ren says, but Goro gets up onto his shoulders anyway. He joins in the song-singing with Ann and Ren, and Ryuji tries shushing them to get them to shut up, but it only makes them sing louder. 

Goro isn’t sure how long it is before they get home, but by the time they finally make it back to the front door of the condo, he feels as though he’s about to pass out. His eyes are heavy and his head rests on Ren’s shoulders, only sliding off of him when they make it back inside their bedroom.

It’s all very intimate from there on out. Ren helps Goro undress, and he touches his bare chest, his shoulders, his hips, and mumbles and mumbles and mumbles until the words are just one big mush of sound. Goro doesn’t care. He finds it comforting anyway. He listens best as he can to those sounds and closes his eyes to the touch, only opening them back up once Ren has gently deposited him on the bed and tucked him in.

Goro holds his arms out for Ren like a baby. “Come here,” he says.

Ren undresses, throws on a pair of boxers with pineapples on them and pulls a huge tshirt over his head, and crawls into bed beside him. 

Goro is too tired and too drunk to do anything else besides bury his face into Ren’s chest. Ren wraps his arms around him and holds him there, just like that, and for the first time in many, many years, Goro falls asleep easily. 

The world sways around him, but Ren holds him steady.


	11. in the garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Goro,” Ren whispers for the third time. “You don’t understand. I would rebuild the entire world for you if you asked. I would wait an eternity."

The next morning, Akechi Goro wakes up with a searing headache.

To be more precise, it feels as if there is an expanding balloon in his skull made out of concrete. The hard surface presses against his bone, trying to splinter it open as best as it can. Put simply—it hurts. And the sunlight streaming through the window in the bedroom isn’t helping his case at all.

He turns away from the window and yanks the blankets over his head, trying hard to block out any residual light.

Ren is still beside him, and seems to still be asleep. Goro wonders what time it is. He decides to lay down for a little while longer under his limbs are feeling more ready to move, and then he will get up and get a drink of water before all of the cells in his body start to shrivel up from how dehydrated he feels.

He closes his eyes.

Incidentally, he must have actually ended up dozing off for a little while longer, because when he next wakes up, Ren is sitting up next to him, staring at his phone, eyes squinted painfully as he looks at the screen. Someone must have pulled the blankets off of his face while he fell back asleep—that someone obviously being Ren—and when he opens his eyes, Goro is immediately affronted by the sunlight again despite being turned around in the opposite direction.

“Ugh,” he mumbles as he blinks, trying to adjust to the light as best as he can. It doesn’t seem to be working terribly well, though, because his head is feeling worse.

Ren turns to look at him. “Good morning,” he says, smiling as he puts his phone down. “Sleep well?”

“I feel like I’m dying,” Goro says.

“I can assure you that you’re not dying. Is this the first hangover you’ve ever had?”

“More or less.”

Ren laughs. Goro frowns. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just—you’re so cute when you’re grumpy like this. Your face gets all scrunched up. Also, you have pretty bad bedhead this morning. Just wanted to let you know.”

“Thanks so much,” Goro says, and he’s still frowning. “I’ll fix it later. What time is it?”

“It’s almost noon.” Ren picks his phone up again and looks at it, as if to double check. “Yep, almost noon.”   
  
“I never sleep this late,” he says with a sigh.

“I know. You fell asleep really fast last night—faster than me, which is saying something. And you were snoring a little bit, too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Goro sits up, rubbing his eyes with his fists until he starts feeling a little bit more alive. “I know that I snore. I wish that I didn’t.”

“Why not? I think it adds to your character.” Ren is still grinning. “Are you okay, though? Do you want me to go get you water?”

“No, it’s fine.” Goro waves his hand around dismissively. “I can go get it. I’ll be back.”

And then he crawls out of bed—slowly, lethargically, as if his body were made out of putty—and drags himself into the little kitchenette area. He grabs a cup from the cabinet and pours himself some water, downing the entire first glass while standing up before getting himself another one.

Nobody else seems to be up and awake except for Ryuji, who is laying on the couch, covered in blankets. He gives a nod and a wave to Goro, and Goro gives him a nod and a wave in return before heading back into his bedroom.

“What are we doing today?” he asks Ren before sitting back on the bed, crossing his legs.

“Me and Ryuji are actually going to go fishing for a little while,” Ren says. “I promised him that we could go a while back. I dunno what Ann and Futaba have planned, but you’ll be with them while me and Ryuji fish. At the end of the day we’re meeting up to go to the top of Hakodate-yama.”

“Is that the mountain?” Goro asks.

“Yeah, it’s the mountain. It’s what Hakodate is known for, more or less. You can hike up to the top or you can take the ropeway—we’re probably going to do that. The big attraction is that you get to see the entire city at nighttime all lit up and stuff.”

“Sounds interesting,” Goro says. “Where are you going fishing?"   
  
Ren shrugs. “I have no idea. Ryuji planned out the whole fishing thing.”

“Hm, well. Have fun regardless. Are you good at fishing? I didn’t realize that was something that you did.”   
  
“Back in high school I actually went fishing with Ryuji a lot,” Ren explains. “But I stopped doing it once I started college. Less free time and all that. But if Ryuji asks me to come along with him—because he still fishes regularly—I like to tag along. I have good memories of fishing with him.”   
  
Goro smiles to himself. He’s happy that Ren has positive memories of things like that; he’s especially happy that he has good memories associated with the time he was in high school. “That sounds sweet,” he confesses. “You better catch some fish.”

“I’ll certainly try. I’ll send you pictures of the stuff that I catch.” Ren pauses to yawn. “Anyway—I think I’m going to try and get out of bed. It’d be a waste if we kept sitting around all day.”

Goro nods. His headache is feeling marginally better now that he’s had a little bit of water and time to wake up. It would probably be a good idea for him to get dressed, too—besides, he’s very curious as to what Ann and Futaba have planned for the day. He doesn’t know much about the Hakodate area, so it could be absolutely anything.

He and Ren get dressed after they both shower—and they both take their time, lounging around and staring at their phones as they do so—and then they brush their teeth and fix their hair and so on. It takes a while, and it’s already noon by the time that they’re finished, but whatever.

They head out into the living area and find that everybody else has already gathered on the couches.

Everyone looks… mildly alive. Goro is sure that they feel a lot worse than they look, but he supposes it’s a good sign that everybody has gathered here in the first place. There has at least been an effort to do that.

Ren flops down on the couch and Goro stands behind him.

“Sooo,” Ann starts, crossing her arms over her chest, “the plan for today is pretty straightforward. Ryuji and Ren—you guys are going fishing. And me, Futaba, and Goro are going to go to the Goryokaku Tower, and then we’re also going to look around at some of the stores. If we have enough time we can stop by Motomachi. It’ll be a lot of walking, but… we can always get a rideshare if we end up getting too tired.” Pause. “Also, then we’re meeting up at Hakodate-yama in the evening.”

“I dunno if my brain has recovered enough to do that much walking,” Futaba mumbles. Out of everyone, she is the person who certainly looks to be feeling the worst. Her face is a paleish grey color, and it reminds Goro of his own complexion when he was a younger teenager. All that stress ended up sapping the life out of his skin and he was forced to apply an unfortunate amount of makeup every day to make himself look more like a living human and less like a cadaver.

“Well, we can see how we feel,” Ann says, waving her hand around. “I don’t wanna make you do something that you don’t feel like doing, obviously. So we’ll just take it slowly.”

Futaba nods. “Okay,” she says, looking down at her lap, appearing embarrassed.

Goro kind of wants to ask what they’re doing for breakfast—or lunch, he supposes, since it’s already noon—but he also still feels a little bit too ill to eat, so he keeps it to himself. Maybe someone else will ask about that.

Ann must have been reading his mind, because she suddenly chirps: “Weeeell, anyway… I’m kind of hungry. Are you two good on getting food for yourself?” 

She looks at Ryuji and Ren, who both nod. 

“Okay, great. Are  _ you  _ guys ready to go eat something?” she asks, turning to Futaba and Goro. Futaba nods rather slowly and solemnly, and Goro also nods, but in a way that he hopes is slightly more vigorous. 

Ann claps her hands together, then, and it nearly scares Goro’s skeleton right out of his body. At least she seems to be doing fine this morning—she’s certainly got enough energy for it. “Let’s head out, then. I just want to get my bag from my room and then we can go.”

That seemed to be the signal that their miniature meeting is adjourned, so Ren stands up and puts a hand on Goro’s shoulder. “I have to get my stuff ready,” he says, speaking in a quiet tone. Clearly the conversation is only meant for the two of them, so Goro listens extra hard. “I’ll see you tonight, okay? There’s something that I want to talk to you about.”

“Why didn’t you say it this morning?” Goro whispers, frowning.

“Because it wasn’t the right time. Trust me. Unless you enjoy having serious conversations while hungover, but for me, that’s not my thing.”

So Ren wants to talk about  _ something serious.  _ A wave of anxiety washes over him—what could he want to talk about? Maybe he’s sick of Goro being unable to make up his mind. Maybe he’s sick of Goro being unable to decide what it is that he wants. Maybe he’s sick of Goro being unable to feel deserving of love and care. Maybe— 

“Hey,” Ren says, sliding his hand down Goro’s arm in a soothing manner. “It’s okay. It’s nothing bad, I promise. Just some stuff that I’ve been thinking about for a while. But it isn’t anything bad or negative. So don’t overthink it, all right?”   
  
“All right,” Goro echoes. “Thank you, um, for the reassurance.”

“Sure, sure. I’m going to go get all the fishing stuff ready now, so I’ll see you tonight. Have fun with Futaba and Ann.”

Goro nods and gives a meek little smile, which is just about all he can manage with his still-raging headache. Maybe he’ll feel a little bit better once he’s had some coffee to drink. He isn’t exactly sure how high his hopes are for that, but it’s a thought to keep him going for the rest of the afternoon until this shitty hangover finally dissipates. 

“Okay, I’m ready!” Ann shouts as she emerges from her bedroom. She’s got a backpack slung over her shoulders, and she takes a moment to point to it with her thumb. “I packed some drinks and snacks along, so we should be good for the rest of the day.”

“You’re very prepared,” Goro says, putting his hands on his hips.

“I always have to be prepared. I’m trying to make it my image, you know? Like—no matter where I go, I always have what people need!”

Goro laughs sharply. “How noble.” 

“Uh huh, uh huh. Anyway—you guys all set?” She looks at Futaba and Goro and they both nod. Futaba drags herself off of the couch, looking absolutely exhausted, and for a moment, Goro wonders whether or not it would be better for her to stay home.

But then again—Futaba knows what she can and cannot handle, seeing as she is an  _ adult,  _ so Goro decides to not stick his nose into her business.

“I’m starving,” Ann says, sliding her shoes on quickly before opening up the door. She holds it open for Futaba and Goro, which is totally unnecessary but still a nice gesture nonetheless. “Let’s go get something to eat before my stomach caves in on itself.”

“Right,” Goro says, and then he jerks his head up and looks at Ann. “I’m paying,” he adds.

“What? Nooo—you don’t have to do that!” Ann exclaims.

“Well, too bad, because that’s what’s going to happen,” Goro says, and then he shuts the door behind him and grins.

Ann gives in and they head out.

* * *

The first thing that they do is go to Goryokaku Tower.

Honestly, Goro kind of likes these things. He likes Sky Tree, anyway, and this tower is pretty similar structure-wise—although it’s definitely a lot shorter than Sky Tree—so he has high hopes for this little trip. Haha—high. Tall. What a funny pun.

Goro shakes his head, feeling rather embarrassed that he’s entertaining himself by coming up with shitty, half-rate puns.

As they walk to the tower—it’s more like they’re limping, actually—Goro can’t help but wonder what Ren is doing right now. He’s still pretty surprised by the fact that he likes to go fishing. Goro thought that he had a pretty good grasp on Ren’s personality by this point, but apparently not, seeing as he is still able to surprise him with the silliest of things. 

Goro has absolutely no interest in fishing at all, but for the sake of Ren, he hopes that he has fun. Hopefully he doesn’t end up getting sunburnt.

He’s still feeling a little curious as to what Ren wants to talk to him about, though. It could be absolutely anything—Goro would like to believe that Ren wants to talk about their, er,  _ relationship  _ and where it’s headed—but then again, he might bring up something totally unrelated and take Goro by surprise once again. It’s just one surprise after the other, it seems.

He suddenly thinks about the clothes Ren wore last night, blinks a couple of times, and decides that now is not the time nor place to be thinking about that.

What Goro needs today is a distraction from all of the things that he is thinking about. He wants to take the beginning portion of today to properly spend time with Futaba and Ann. And he  _ particularly _ wants to try and get a little bit closer to Futaba—because at this point, Goro is so curious about her and how she feels about everything that his insides are starting to itch. Perhaps this sort of thing can be called  _ detective’s curiosity,  _ even though Goro knows it’s mostly just him being nosy.

They’re getting much closer to the tower; certainly they only have to about ten more minutes of walking. Goro folds his arms over his chest and looks up at the tower, which is growing in height and size as they approach it.

“How tall is it?” he asks nobody in particular.

“One hundred and seven meters,” Futaba says, “and that includes the lightning rod. Without the lightning rod it’s ninety eight meters.”

“Hm. That’s definitely not as tall as the Sky Tree,” Goro notes. 

“Yeah, it’s not as tall. But it’s still pretty cool! The tower was inaugurated back in 1964, which makes it a lot older and more historic than the Sky Tree.”

“You seem to know a lot about these towers,” Goro says. “Do you… like them?”

“Oh, I mean—I guess. I was just reading up on them in the car yesterday, honestly. It’s not like I’m particularly interested in architecture or anything like that.”

“I see. By the way, what is it that you’re majoring in again? You might have told me before but I can’t remember, sorry.”

“Computer science,” Futaba says, holding a finger up matter-of-factly.

“Oh, right.” Goro does remember her saying that at one point. 

“What does that have to do with me reading information about the towers?”

“It’s not really related,” Goro admits. “I suppose that I was just suddenly curious or something. Do you have any more facts about the tower?”

“Sure do. I know that I said it was inaugurated in 1964, but the truth is that the old version of the tower was destroyed back in 2006. It was actually only sixty meters tall. Then they built a new one—the taller version. More sturdy and modern, you know? That kind of thing. Either way, it still makes it older than the Sky Tree, which started construction in 2008.” 

“Why was the tower built here in the first place, anyway?” Goro asks. He’s not actually curious about any of this, he mostly wants an excuse to be able to have a normal conversation with Futaba that isn’t laden with tension. So far it seems to be going well.

“It was built to commemorate Goryokaku,” Futaba says. “The nearby Goryokaku fort, I mean. The fort was built back in 1855. The architect wanted to build it in a star-shape so that there were less blind spots for canons. Most traditional Japanese fortresses aren’t built with the star-shape, so this is pretty novel.”

“Interesting,” Goro says, mostly for the effect of sounding like he is paying attention. He knows that he should probably be more interested in this—he works in a museum, after all, and museums have a lot to do with history—but he feels very… distracted. It’s as if he wants to be interested but just cannot find the effort in himself to do so—something is clouding his thoughts, blocking the nerve channels in his brain…

Either that, or he’s still suffering the effects of his hangover. The latter seems more likely than the former.

After a couple more minutes of walking, the three of them eventually make it to the tower. Goro’s feet are already hurting—he did a lot of walking last night, after all—so he’s very hopeful that there will be benches somewhere inside. It doesn’t seem to be particularly crowded today, which is definitely a good sign, because Goro prefers to enjoy things like this in more quiet settings. 

“Let’s head inside,” Ann says, holding open the door for Futaba and Goro. The two of them step inside the cool, air-conditioned building, and Ann follows right behind them. 

The first thing that they do is buy tickets. 

It only takes them a moment to complete the transaction, thankfully. A large crowd of people are filing in right after Ann, Goro, and Futaba, so the three of them immediately hurry off to the side and out of their way. Goro scowls, looking at the group with discontempt. He’s not exactly sure why their presence has pissed him off so easily, but there is just something about… the chummy nature of everyone that rubs him the wrong way.

He knows that he’s just being jealous. Unfortunately jealous. Goro hates that he still finds jealousy to be such a familiar emotion—it’s something that comes to him easily, immediately, relentlessly. He spent a lifetime being jealous of the people around him, spent so many hours wishing that he had more to his own life—and he internalized these feelings for so long, too. There was nothing that they could do besides build and build and build in his brain until it eventually became uncomfortable.

He wishes that he could stop feeling like such a fucking idiot all the time.

Goro knows that he is smart. He knows that he is very capable, and he knows that he’s good at observing tiny, seemingly insignificant details. But despite that—despite knowing his own intelligence—he still feels like a gigantic dumbass half of the time he’s awake. He wishes that he could do something about it.

He wishes that he better retained the coping mechanisms he learned in therapy. 

Goro feels bad about lying to Ren; he feels bad that he told Ren he had never gone to therapy, even though he did. For some reason—for some strange reason—admitting that he had gone to rehab almost felt like a show of weakness. And Goro knows that there isn’t anything wrong with going to therapy or getting help, he just— 

He didn’t know how to act in front of Ren, he supposes. Not after he hadn’t seen him for so many years. And so he lied. 

He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

But he does want to tell Ren the truth. He wants to share it with him, because Goro feels as though this is something that Ren deserves to know, especially after everything the two of them have been through together up until this point. Depending on what Ren wants to talk about tonight, perhaps Goro will bring it up with him. If the moment is right, and if he manages to find the ability to explain it.

Suddenly, everything feels like it is swarming inside of him. A wave of nausea comes over him, and he has to hold a hand to his stomach to remind himself that it’s all in his head, it’s all superficial, overthinking is making things worse, he needs to calm down, he needs to relax, there are people around him, he’s in public, he’s going to— 

“Goro,” Ann whispers, settling a gentle hand on the small of his back, “Goro. You’re breathing fast and your eyes are wide. Do you need to sit down? We can go back outside for a minute if you—”   
  
“I’m fine,” he interrupts. It doesn’t sound convincing at all, but the last thing that he wants right now is to be coddled. He’s sure that Ann doesn’t  _ mean  _ to coddle him—she probably just wants to make sure he’s okay, he knows this—but he still feels irritated anyway.

Man, what the hell is  _ wrong  _ with him?

“Are you sure?” Ann asks, her eyes nervous. “It’s really okay.”

Goro shakes his head, trying very hard to come off as assertive as possible. “No, I’m fine. I was just thinking. Let’s go up the elevator, shall we?” 

Ann makes a face that reads  _ you’ve gotten horrible at pretending to be fine,  _ but Goro simply ignores it and punches the up button next to the elevator. The doors open and he steps inside, not looking at Ann nor Futaba for fear that he’ll absolutely explode into a million pieces. And that would be bad, because then the poor Goryokaku Tower employees would have to scrape him off of the walls.

Futaba and Ann follow suit into the elevator. None of them look or speak to one another, which is great, and Goro is aware that this is entirely his fault and things were going so well but now he’s created this horrible awkward silence and—

Relax.

He takes a breath.

Everything is okay.

The elevator suddenly stops, dings, and the doors open. The three of them exit and immediately walk over to the large window in front of them, staring out at the city and fortress below.

“I guess I didn’t realize how big Hakodate is,” Futaba says, touching the tips of her fingers to the glass. “I thought it would be a lot smaller for some reason.”

“Everything feels like it should be smaller when you live in Tokyo,” Goro says. “That’s what I think, at least. It’s such a big city that it makes everywhere else feel… inconsequential. Or something like that.”

“No, I definitely agree,” Ann chimes in, nodding a little bit. “Although… I’ll admit, looking out at the city like this makes me feel so small.”

“Mm. Me too. But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being small,” Futaba says. “Because I know that even though I’m small, I’ve still had a profound impact on certain people. And on myself, too.” She pauses. “Um. Phew, that was kind of fake deep. Sorry.”

“Hm,” Goro says, staring down at the fort. “I know what you mean.”

The only difference is that Goro isn’t sure how to categorize the impact that he’s had on people.

Well, never mind that. He’s already thought about enough terrible shit this afternoon and he’s not going to think about it any more.

“It’s nice up here,” Ann says, slicing through the silence. “Makes me wish that I was a bird… hehe.”

“Flying would be nice,” Goro admits, and he isn’t sure where this sentiment is coming from, but he feels as though it’s a true statement nonetheless. “It would certainly make me feel... good.”

“Yeah, me too,” Futaba says, nudging him in the side. “You’d be a bird that has a lot of stamina, Akechi-kun.”

“I thought that I would be a crow.” He cracks a grin. “You’d be a bird that’s good at solving problems. Like a magpie, perhaps.” 

“Oh yeah. I guess you’d be a crow.” Futaba laughs. “A crow with a lot of stamina.”

“A crow with a lot of stamina,” Goro repeats. “I can live with that.”

After all, it’s not far off from the truth at all.

* * *

They spend a great deal of time at the tower because the view is very nice and also because there is a lot to talk about between the two of them. They don’t discuss anything particularly serious—it’s mostly Ann telling Goro stories about her clients at the hair salon—which is a much needed break from all of the seriousness that has been floating around in Goro’s head today. He isn’t sure if he’s miserable and serious because of his hangover or if it’s simply because today is an off day. He would rather have something to blame his attitude on, though, so he’s leaning towards the hangover excuse.

Well, whatever. It’s all fine and dandy. After they finished up with the tower, Futaba, Goro, and Ann all head to Motomachi. The walk is far too long for them to stick out, especially after having been standing for a while, and so they order a rideshare to get there faster. It cuts down their travel time down from over one hour to approximately twelve minutes. Goro cannot believe that they were even considering walking.

Motomachi is very beautiful. The architecture there is stunning—from the buildings outlined in gold to the churches to the streets steeped in nature, there is always something to be looking at. The three of them walk for blocks and blocks and blocks, checking out as much of the area as they possibly can. By the time they’re finished, they’ve been walking for hours, and Goro’s legs feel like they are about to rot off.

It’s a relief when they stop somewhere to eat.

Dinner between the three of them is rather quiet. It isn’t quiet in an awkward way, though; it’s quiet in an  _ I’m-so-tired-and-hungry-I-can-barely-focus-on-my-surroundings  _ type of way. But it’s all right, really. Goro thinks that it’s nice that he doesn’t have to put much effort into the conversation because nobody else feels like putting in much effort, either. 

They eat their silent dinner, and by the time they’re finally finished, the sun is slowly, slowly, slowly beginning to set in the sky. This one is much more vibrant compared to the other sunsets they’ve had over the past few days—when they exit the restaurant and step onto the sidewalk, Goro cannot help but to stare at the sky. 

He stares at the sky and he thinks about Ren. He thinks about Ren smiling, and he thinks about Ren’s voice, and he thinks about the feeling of Ren’s lips on his jaw, and he thinks about the way that Ren holds him, as if he were mankind’s greatest, most prized treasure, and he thinks about how nobody has held him like that, and he thinks about how nobody has ever made him feel so loved before in his life, and he thinks about Ren he thinks about him he thinks about him until his hands grip themselves into tight fists, and in that instant Goro knows what he has to do and what he has to say, he— 

“Goro,” Ann says, voice gentle. “What’s wrong?”

Goro relaxes his hands, laughing a little bit. “Nothing bad, actually,” he replies. “I just realized something important.”

The concern on Ann’s face is replaced with a small smile. “That’s good. I’m glad to hear.”

Goro is glad as well. He knows that he has a tendency to mope, but he doesn’t really feel like doing that anymore. He wants to take the goodness in front of him. He doesn’t want to waste any more time or any more experiences.

Once Ann is reassured that Goro is, in fact, doing okay, the three of them get another rideshare and head over to Hakodate-yama. They gather themselves at the base of the mountain in the parking lot, sitting on the curb as they wait for Ryuji and Ren to show up. Fortunately, it doesn’t take them very long—after about ten minutes they arrive in a car together.

Ryuji’s nose and cheeks are tinted a slight red color, and there’s a unique glow in Ren’s eyes that Goro hasn’t seen in a while. He looks very happy—that’s good. That must mean that he had a good day. Goro feels grateful to Ryuji, in a sort of strange way, that he can provide support as Ren’s friend in an unconditional way. It would be strange to thank him for that, but Goro believes the sentiment to be true nonetheless.

All at once, Goro remembers that Ren wants to  _ talk  _ to him about something, and his stomach drops.  He acts as if he is unphased, though, because he doesn’t want Ren to worry.

After a little bit of dilly-dallying, they finally get on their way. They have to wait around a little bit for the cart on the ropeway to come down from the higher part of the mountain, but once it arrives, the five of them pile into the cart and nearly all sigh at the exact same time.

It has certainly been a long day.

“I’ve been thinking about you,” Ren whispers to Goro once they’re three quarters of the way up the mountain. “Did you have a good day?”

“I did,” Goro says. He can feel his face turning red. “You seemed happy when you arrived here. Did you have fun with Sakamoto-kun?”

“Yeah.” Ren nods. “I had a really good time. Fortunately I managed to avoid getting sunburnt, though, unlike somebody…”

“Hey,” Ryuji interjects, “I thought that I put enough sunscreen on my face, okay? Honest mistake.”

Ren rolls his eyes and laughs. “Uh huh.”

A few moments later, the cart arrives at the observation area of the mountain, and the five of them hop out onto the ground. They all head up to the observation deck, being careful not to trip and fall because that would be embarrassing.

Goro doesn’t think he’s ever been up this high before. It’s a little bit daunting, honestly—not that he’s  _ afraid  _ of the height, it’s more that he’s shocked at the fact that he is up here in the first place. It’s much colder on the mountain that it is down in the city, he’s noticed, which makes sense but isn’t helped by the fact that he’s wearing short sleeves. It isn’t  _ too  _ much colder but the wind is certainly not making things any better.

After a little bit of walking, they make it to the observation deck and look out at the city below them.

Put simply, it looks unreal. By now the sun has nearly completely sunk down below the horizon, and the sky is awash with beautiful oranges and deep purples and bright pinks. The moon can be seen overhead, looking down at the earth silently, watching to see what is going on.

Goro looks at the moon. The moon looks back.

Besides the sky, the city is absolutely gorgeous too—everything is lit up, and it makes all of the buildings look as though they are twinkling. The sight is so unique that it has rendered Goro completely speechless, which never seems to happen in respect to these sorts of things. He cannot help but stare at the city with what feels like sparkles in his eyes.

Ren comes up from behind him. “Wow,” he says, “it doesn’t look real.”

“I was thinking the same thing. It looks like a photo that someone has doctored to look better, but—it hasn’t been doctored at all. I’m seeing it with my own eyes.”

“You are,” Ren says, smiling. “And I’m seeing it with mine. We can keep looking at the sky and the city, of course, but do you mind if I pull you to the side away from everyone else?”

Ah. Here it is: the thing that Ren wanted to talk to Goro about. 

Surprisingly, being up on the mountain has made Goro feel much better about whatever it is they’re going to talk about—he feels much less nervous now, and a lot more ready to have a conversation. 

The two of them shuffle away from their friends and a few other families and find a slightly more secluded spot. It isn’t exactly a private area because they’re out in the open and this is a carefully-observed location, but. They’ve at least moved far away enough to be able to speak to one another without having to worry that they’ll be overheard.

“I’m surprised that you didn’t get any sunburn,” Goro says as they look out at the city.

“Honestly, me too. I only put on sunscreen once in the morning and that was it. And Ryuji did the same exact thing, and he  _ did  _ get sunburn.”

“You’ve more impermeable to UV rays than Sakamoto-kun is, it seems.”

“Right? I guess I probably just got lucky.” He shrugs. “Anyway… let’s talk, Goro.”

Goro keeps himself still. “About what?”

“Well… um. I kind of lied. It’s more like… I want to ask you some questions. If you don’t mind, that is.”

Hm. This is not what Goro was anticipating. His stomach clenches in slight reluctance, but he knows that he owes it to Ren to talk about… whatever it is he’s going to ask. “Sure, that’s fine.”

“Okay. Uh. First I was wondering… what’s been holding you back. In regards to me.”

Goro licks his lips, which have gone all dry and chapped from not drinking much water all day. “That’s a good question,” he mumbles. “I’m not entirely sure myself. I suppose that I just—I want the best for you. I don’t want to cause any more problems.”

“You aren’t causing problems.”

“I don’t know. I used to think that… I used to think that you all should be deeply indebted to me for sacrificing myself twice. I used to think that you all owed me so much. And I thought that way for a few years—until I got older. The older I got, the less I felt that way. I became more guilty. I’ve become so full of guilt that everything has become skewed in my head. It feels like I can’t understand anybody’s kindness anymore. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, it makes sense.” Ren sighs quietly. “I get it. I really do. I guess I just… wanted to go on record and tell you this one more time. Just so that you can hear it.”

“Tell me what?”

“That it’s okay,” Ren says. “You may have made mistakes in the past, but it’s… it’s okay. You know? Because we’ve all made mistakes. I made mistakes. I used you to further my plan to get Shido. None of us are innocent. You shouldn’t have to still feel bad for things that you didn’t have total control over. It isn’t fair to yourself. And you haven’t ever really been fair to yourself.”

“Hm.” Goro isn’t sure what to say. “Well, thank you.”   
  
“You don’t have to necessarily believe what I’m saying yet. You can eventually come around to it, if that helps. But I just… I want you to stop torturing yourself. Because I can tell that you are. I don’t want you to be held down by your mistakes anymore. I know how dwelling on those sorts of things can really ruin your life.”

“You don’t need to tell me twice,” Goro mumbles, looking away. 

“I won’t. I have something else that I want to ask you, though.”

Goro tears his eyes away from the pebble he’s staring at and looks at Ren. “Yes?”

“I… how do you… feel about me? I know it’s kind of a selfish question to ask, but I just—I want to know. For myself.”

Goro purses his lips and blinks a few times as he debates what he wants his answer to be. He feels like he can’t give an adequate response if he is entirely straightforward—he feels like he needs to give some context. “I’ve deprived myself of happiness for a long time,” he starts, clasping his hands together. “I haven’t been very kind of fair to myself, especially since I’ve reunited with you. It’s not your fault—it’s entirely my own.”

Ren says nothing.

“And I’ve been thinking lately… that I don’t want to keep depriving myself of enjoying life anymore. There’s no point in being alive if I only exist to make myself more and more miserable. It’s like you said—living is about loving yourself, or whatever it was. I want to be happy. I want to experience things that I’ve previously held myself back from because I felt that I didn’t deserve it.”

Ren still says nothing.

“And I… will still feel guilty. I will always feel guilty for seeking out happiness. Maybe one day those feelings will go away, but for now—they won’t. I don’t want to dwell on feelings of guilt anymore, though. I… I just want to accept how things are and move forward.”

Ren tilts his head. Goro takes a deep, heavy breath to prepare himself for what he wants to say next. His stomach dances in anticipation, his heart flutters, his fingers twitch. “I only had the courage to say it to you when you were sleeping before, but—Ren. I love you. As a friend, of course, but as more than a friend, too. Would you go out with me?”

The words are out of his mouth before he has the chance to try and stop them. It’s a feeling of catharsis that is new to Goro—a weight has been lifted off of his chest. His ribs are no longer tangled in wire. He feels… like he’s freed a part of himself, as cheesy and cliche and dramatic as it sounds.

“Goro,” Ren whispers, voice soft and gentle. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask. I’d have waited forever if that was how much time you needed to be kind to yourself. My answer is yes. It’ll always be yes.”

The next ten seconds feel like a movie. Goro becomes overwhelmed with emotion—faster and more intensely than he has ever felt before—and he flings his arms around Ren in a warm, much-needed embrace. Ren wraps his arms around Goro in return and for a moment, they stand there just like that—feeling the comfort of one another and the city lights below. 

The moon watches them from above.

“Goro,” Ren whispers again, just like last time. “Kiss me.”

And Goro doesn’t really care that they’re technically in public, because he’s been waiting for this moment since they were interrupted a few days ago by Ann and Ryuji. Goro looks at Ren, looks at the gentle twinkle in his eyes, looks at the soft dusting of pink color on his cheeks. He’s… so much more enchanting up close. Goro thinks he might lose himself.

He leans forward and presses their lips together, and the world around him melts completely. 

It’s a sweet kiss—nothing particularly impressive because there are other people around them, of course, but to Goro it feels like he’s being given the most beautiful, special gift in the whole entire world. 

“Goro,” Ren whispers for the third time. “You don’t understand. I would rebuild the entire world for you if you asked. I would wait an eternity. I don’t know what I would be if you hadn’t come back. I waited for so long, for so many years, hoping that I could see you just one more time, so that I could apologize, so that I could—”

“Ren,” Goro whispers back. “It’s okay. Let’s stop constantly apologizing to each other. There is nothing left to apologize for.” He scrubs at his face, trying to prevent himself from getting sniffly. “You’re the first person to have ever made me feel special. And that’s the only thing I’ve ever truly wanted—to be special.”

Ren sniffles, wiping his face. “Okay,” he says. “No more apologizing. We’re moving on. We  _ have  _ moved on. We’re only allowed to look at the future from now on.”

“Yeah,” Goro says, smiling in a way that he has never done before. “Only the future.”

Only the future.

For the first time in a while, Goro is looking forward to the future.

He wraps his arms back around Ren, lays his head on his shoulder, and hugs him tight.

* * *

The rest of the night goes as follows:

On the way back down from the mountain, Ann and Futaba both slap Goro on the shoulders in what is supposedly a celebratory gesture—clearly they saw his little private moment with Ren, which is fine, he supposes, because it’s not like they were being entirely discreet about it. And Ryuji also gives Ren a slap on the shoulder as a celebratory gesture too—it seems as though both Ren and Goro are not immune to their friends’ unconditional support, even when it’s a little bit awkward.

From there, they make their way back to the apartment. By the time that they’re back inside, Goro’s whole entire body feels extremely sluggish, like he’s been walking for days on end despite having taken a rideshare on the way home. No matter, though—because he’s going to get to lay down soon, and that’s what matters.

He takes a shower while Ren (and Ryuji) have something to eat, seeing as they missed dinner what with all of their fishing. Goro thinks that it’s the best shower experience he has ever had; his entire head and chest and stomach feel light as a feather, as if he could start floating at any moment.

He cannot remember a time he has felt this way before.

When he is finished with his shower, he exits into the bedroom wearing a towel around his waist and adorning a low ponytail. Ren is laying there on the bed, stretched out comfortably, staring at something on his phone. Their eyes immediately flicker over to one another and meet in the middle. 

Goro stands there silently, unable to help the smile that cracks on his face.

“Come here,” Ren says, putting his phone down and holding his arms out.

“I’m not dressed yet,” Goro mumbles, clutching the edges of the towel as if it will keep him afloat from the way that Ren is looking at him right now.

“That’s fine,” Ren replies, and he’s still holding his hands out, “I just want to hold you a little bit. Can’t you indulge me?”

For a moment, Goro continues to stand there silently—but then he gives in and crawls onto the bed on his hands and knees until he’s flopped himself down next to Ren. He can feel his own utterly bright pink face and hopes that Ren will just attribute it to the steam from the shower.

Ren’s hand finds the side of Goro’s face and he looks at him, eyes deeper than they have ever been, jaw and temples relaxed, as if he were being lulled by Goro’s mere presence. “Goro,” he whispers again for what must be the fourth time today, “I’m happy.”

“Yeah, me too,” he admits. “I’m happy too.”

Ren smiles. “Let me kiss you.”

And Goro does. He lets Ren kiss him and he kisses him back, kisses him even as he wraps a leg around him, even as Ren migrates on top of him, until they both part and Goro notices how wide Ren’s pupils are.

“Um,” he manages.

“Um,” Ren also manages.

There’s a second of silence and then the two of them start laughing—really, truly laughing. They laugh and laugh and laugh until it dissolves away and they’re kissing one another again, breathing heavily, limbs entangled with one another. 

Goro feels dizzy with love.

Slowly their movements become less rushed and desperate and slow down to something more languid and luxurious, hands roaming around each other’s arms and hips and chest and part again and look each other in the eyes once more.

They both smile, and Ren asks,  _ do you want…?  _ and Goro whispers  _ yes,  _ and then the conversation dwindles away just like that as their hands find one another again.

* * *

A few hours later finds Ren and Goro still awake, laying together, staring up at the ceiling in silence. It isn’t a bad silence—it’s a rather comfortable one. Goro is thoroughly exhausted; his muscles feel as though they have turned to liquid and are simply sloshing around inside of his body. His towel has been long abandoned somewhere on the floor, but he doesn’t particularly care—he’ll put it away tomorrow morning.

He’s thinking hard.

“Ren,” he says into the silence. 

“Hm?” comes the soft response.

“I…” Goro bites on his lip, feeling uncharacteristically uncertain of himself. “I lied to you.”

Ren shuffles around a little bit so that he can get a better look at Goro. One of his eyebrows raise and he asks, “You lied to me?”

“Back when we first reunited I told you that I never got therapy,” he explains. “I lied. I did get therapy. I went to rehab.”

“Oh.” Ren blinks a couple of times. “Wait, I have a few questions. You did? Did it help? Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”

“I feel stupid,” Goro says outright. He may as well be honest. “I… it did help. It helped for a while. When I eventually left to come back into… erm, society, everything was fine for a while. They kept tabs on me to make sure that I was okay. I told them that I was doing good, that everything was fine, and that I didn’t necessarily need that much support anymore. But after some time passed, I… started… feeling bad again.”

He doesn’t like admitting to this. It makes his stomach churn wildly, like someone is whisking up his organs.

“Go on,” Ren urges.

“Right. I started feeling bad again, and this time around, I started convincing myself that I didn’t need any more help. That it would just be a waste of time because I would end up feeling bad over and over again. Does that make sense?”

A nod. “It makes sense.”

“So I… suppose that I didn’t tell you because I felt embarrassed about it. Because I had undone some of that therapy. And I didn’t want you to think poorly of me, or to pity me—I can’t fucking stand when people pity me, it makes my skin itch—I wanted you to think otherwise. That’s why I lied.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Ren says. “I’m not really mad. I think that… that’s an understandable thing to lie about. Plus, we had only just met one another after not being in contact for what—five or six years? I don’t blame you for not wanting to share something personal like that. Especially if you felt like… a failure. Is that what you felt?”

“Something like that, yes,” he whispers. “A failure. Foolish. It’s all the same.”

“You’re not a failure and you’re not foolish.  _ I’m  _ supposed to be the foolish one. You’re the smart one.”

“Oh, I’m not so sure about that,” Goro replies, laughing slightly. “But if you say so, then I have no choice but to accept the compliment.”

“Yeah, I do say so.” Ren presses a kiss to his forehead. “Thanks for telling me this. I’m not going to force you to go to therapy or anything again, but… I do want you to do what will help you. So I guess… if you feel like it’ll help, then I want to encourage you to go again.” He pauses. “Only if that’s something that you’re comfortable with. And anyway, you don’t have to come to an immediate conclusion or anything like that.”   
  
“I know.” He sighs. “I’ll think about it, I promise—but only if you think about it too. Seriously, you—don’t give me that face—I worry about you.”

“I’m honored,” Ren says, smirking. “Okay, fine. I’ll consider it too. We can consider it together.”

“Wonderful,” Goro mumbles, turning so that he can press his face against Ren’s chest. “Wonderful.”

“Are you tired?” Ren asks, petting Goro’s hair slowly. “You should go to sleep.”

“I need my medication,” Goro says, and his voice is all muffled.

Ren  _ giggles.  _ “Keep being lazy. I’ll get it for you.” 

He climbs out of bed and steps over to the dresser. He picks out the three pills from their respective bottles, grabs the cup of water sitting next to them, and heads back to the bed.

Goro feels like he’s being babied a little bit, but his legs and arms and head feel so heavy and tired that he doesn’t particularly care anymore. Maybe if he were more awake he would have the capacity to be angry about this, but—right now there isn’t anything he feels like doing about it. 

He takes his medication and Ren sets the water back down before hopping back into bed. Goro almost immediately latches onto him, feeling helplessly clingy through the fogginess in his brain. 

“Good night,” Ren whispers.

“Mm,” Goro hums, “good night.”

He doesn’t even remember falling asleep. 


	12. 1+1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This room doesn’t match our personalities very well,” Ren says, putting his hands on his hips as he looks around.
> 
> Goro raises an eyebrow. “What kind of room would match our personalities, then?”
> 
> “I dunno. Something emo, I guess? I feel like I’m in a nursing home in this one.” 

The next morning, Goro does something absolutely shocking: he sleeps in later than Ren does.

He had a wonderful dream. In his dream he was a little butterfly—about the same size as the pad of someone’s thumb—and he was fluttering around a great big meadow full of red and orange and yellow flowers. He floated through the beautiful array of colors and remembers feeling particularly calm, as if this were the place that he was meant to exist in. As if it were a fantasy world that could only be accessed when he was in the highest of spirits—something uniquely special, uniquely important.

When he opens up his eyes and sees the sunlight streaming through the window, Goro wonders if he’s still asleep. The sun’s rays coat part of the bedsheets, leaving lines of shadows where the half-closed blinds overlay the window. It’s a beautiful sight—like something out of a dream. Like something out of reality, something that could not possibly be real.

He turns his head to the side and sees Ren laying there, looking at his phone. He turns away from it and smiles. In his still half-asleep state, Goro thinks that Ren looks absolutely ethereal, from the way that the curls in his hair bounce all over the place to his glasses that are slipping down his nose. There is a dim fogginess around the corner of his vision and because of it, Ren looks as though he is laying in a bundle of clouds.

Goro feels overwhelmed with emotion.

“Good morning,” Ren says. “Or—well, it’s the afternoon already.”

Afternoon? That’s a bit of a surprise. It takes a lot for Goro to sleep past noon, but he seems to be doing that quite a bit around Ren. “I slept a lot,” he says, reaching up to rub his eyes with his palms.

“You did. But it was well-deserved, I think. After all, this is supposed to be, erm, a  _ vacation…  _ so there isn’t anything wrong with sleeping in.”

“I’m just surprised. I usually get up pretty early in the morning—or before ten o’clock at the very latest.”

“Are you a morning person?” Ren asks, tilting his head a little bit.

“No, not particularly. I know it sort of sounds like I am because of the way that I wake up in the morning, but I… hate waking up early in the morning. I…” He sighs. “This is silly. But the sensation of feeling sleep deprived is genuinely so upsetting to me because it reminds me of… some things. I always try very hard to make sure that I get at least six hours of sleep a night to prevent this from happening, but it isn’t foolproof, of course.”

“Hmm.” Ren thinks for a moment. “I kind of know what you mean. This is why I always sleep in so much, actually—because I never had the chance to do that very much back during high school. It has kind of become like… an unhealthy coping mechanism for me, I guess? I dunno.”

“Oversleeping, you mean? As far as unhealthy coping mechanisms go, that is fortunately one that isn’t too bad. But if it’s upsetting you, then of course I believe you should be able to make a change…”

“Eh, it’s not that big of a deal. It only becomes a hassle when classes start up, because then I have to actually wake up before noon. I’m pretty lucky that my boss at work always lets me have the late afternoon shift, because otherwise I would be pretty miserable.”

“Wouldn’t want that,” Goro says, turning more onto his side. Ren turns, too, so that they are both laying on their sides and looking at one another.

“Goro,” Ren whispers, reaching out to rest a sweet hand on top of his head, fingers gently running through his hair. “You look your best when you’re comfortable and relaxed.”

“Ren,” Goro whispers back. “I—I really like when you say my name.”

“Goro, Goro, Goro, Goro,” Ren says, and the words echo off of the walls and the windows and the ceiling until they reverberate into his ear canal, against his ear drum, and funnel into his cochlea. The waves register as things that have meaning and for a moment, Goro’s brain nearly short-circuits itself. “I’ll say it as many times as you want me to.”

And for some reason—for some reason, Goro finds himself feeling too overwhelmed with his emotions. Maybe it’s because of the dream he had last night, or maybe it’s because of the way that Ren whispers his name like a prayer, or maybe it’s because last night Goro reached for something that he never imagined he would have—but the emotions suddenly become too much, and he starts crying.

He sits up and wipes his face, trying to get rid of the evidence as quickly as possible, but it is ineffective in the end. His heart wins over his brain and he finds that he cannot stop himself from crying, cannot stop the tears that drip down the sides of his face, cannot help the sniffling and shoulder shaking that accompanies it.

It’s a catharsis that he has never felt before.

“Hey,” Ren says, sitting up and reaching a hand out to Goro’s shoulder, “hey, is everything okay? Did I say something wrong?”

Goro tries to find the words in his mouth to explain what’s going on, but they don’t seem to want to reach him; the only thing that he feels he can do is scoot forward and wrap his arms around Ren, to hold him like he is a lifesaver. He cries and cries and cries into his shoulder, and his tears spill out onto Ren’s shirt and dot them like paint. He feels disgustingly embarrassed, but at the same time—he can’t find it in himself to care enough to stop. 

He takes some deep breaths, trying to settle himself down enough to speak coherently. Ren keeps his arms around him, holding him kindly by the hips, keeping him afloat. They sit like that for a while, holding onto one another, Goro crying on and off until his nose and eyes start burning. The mortification inside of him keeps growing and growing and growing, reaching an astronomical size in his brain, inflating his skull up like a balloon, the sensation of humiliation pressing tight against the tissue lining his head.

But he… can’t stop. All he can do is simply continue to cry. It’s as if he’s purging away every nasty, disgusting, disturbing, tar-covered emotion that he’s been locking away in his chest for the past ten years of his life and it is finally,  _ finally  _ spilling out, unable to stay chained away any longer. It hurts. It feels good. It feels cathartic. But it hurts.

He only pulls away from Ren when he notices that a drop of blood has fallen onto his shirt.

“Ah,” he sniffles, touching the back of his hand to his nose. “My nose st-started bleeding, sorry.”  _ Shit.  _ He stuttered—that hasn’t ever happened before.

“Let me get you a tissue,” Ren says. “I’ll be right back, okay? Just keep sitting here.”

Ren quickly gets up to go to the bathroom, and Goro sits there on the bed, legs sprawled out underneath himself in an uncomfortable way. He soaks in the momentary silence and wipes his face with his hands, rubbing away the wetness that has been left on his face.

It isn’t as if he is… sad. This wasn’t necessarily sadness. It was more of a spilling—an explosion of emotions, fuming out of him like smoke, pouring into the atmosphere and disappearing into the sky. He’s glad that he isn’t a loud cryer, though, because otherwise the other three would have heard him and that would be embarrassing. 

Ren returns quickly, holding a bundle of tissues in his hands. He sits down in the spot he was in before and takes one of the tissues from his collection and wipes Goro’s face with it, and then he uses another one to press against his nose.

“I can do it myself,” Goro mumbles, sniffling again. “You don’t have to… baby me.”

“I want to baby you,” Ren says, smiling. “Don’t tell anybody I said that because I’d never be able to live it down. But seriously, can you let me take care of you? Just this one time?”

Goro nods solemnly, unable to shoot down Ren’s request, especially with the way he’s looking at him with those gentle, relaxed eyes. 

“Can you talk to me?” Ren asks, readjusting the tissue. “I’m worried.”

“I know that this definitely seems to be something you should be worried about, but I can assure you that this was a good thing,” Goro explains, shifting around a little bit so that his legs are no longer trapped under his body. His head feels… fuzzy, warm, foggy, like it’s trying to think but can’t. There’s a searing pain where his sinuses are and he really wants it to go away.

“Okay. Explain why it was a good thing, then. I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, I just need you to tell me or else I’m going to be concerned about it for the next seven years of my life.”

Goro sighs, reaching up with a hand to rub his fist into his eye, trying and failing to make his burning eyelids feel a little bit better. “I wasn’t crying because I was sad,” he says, and then he takes a deep breath. “It was more like… this was long overdue. Like all of my emotions welled up at once and spilled over.”

“So you mean that it really _was_ a good thing?”

“I think so, yes. I haven’t… I don’t cry very much anymore. I’ve always preferred pretending that everything is all right so that I don’t have to acknowledge how badly everything hurts all of the time. Um. This is very personal, sorry about that.”

“Don’t apologize, it’s fine,” Ren says. He swaps out the tissue for a new one. “I’m really glad to hear that this wasn’t, er, a bad thing. Because I was seriously so concerned that something horrible had happened or that I had said something wrong—”

“No, no, it wasn’t that. I’m sorry I made you think that, I should have… said something. I just couldn’t find the words for a moment.”

“It looked like you were overwhelmed,” Ren says. “You had this expression on your face that was like… it was like you were surprised to hear yourself crying.”

“I suppose that I was, in a sense,” Goro says, sighing again. “Thank you for sitting with me.”

“It’s no problem. You deserve a good cry. Everyone deserves a good cry sometimes, I think. Though the nosebleed should definitely not be a part of it.”

Goro can’t help but laugh a little bit at that. “Yes, the nosebleed is a little bit inconvenient. But it could definitely be worse.”

“Yeah.” Ren pulls the tissue away from Goro’s nose and tilts his head to look at it. “I think it’s stopped bleeding, speaking of.”

“That’s good.” Goro reaches up to touch his hand to his nose again, and only a tiny amount of blood is left behind. It’s likely that it’s just some leftover. “Ah… I feel… a lot better.”

“Good,” Ren says softly, reaching a hand out to comb through Goro’s hair. “I’m really glad. I’ve noticed that you’ve kind of been withdrawing into yourself lately—you’ve been doing that for a while, actually—but it’s definitely been getting better with time.”

“You think so?”

“Yep. You seem to be doing a lot better than you were when we first reunited. You look a little bit less tired than you did before.”

“Hm. Well, that’s an improvement, I guess.”

Ren nods. “That it is. Now come here onto my lap,” he says, patting his thighs with his hands. Goro immediately complies, crawling on top of Ren’s lap and looping his arms around his shoulders, a smile touching the corners of his lips. “You’re so beautiful, Goro. Kiss me.”

And of course, Goro doesn’t need any more encouragement than that—he is very happy to fulfill Ren’s request. He leans forward and kisses Ren gently, softly, tenderly, as if they had all the time in the world. As Goro has very quickly discovered, kissing Ren is most definitely one of the best things ever, and he absolutely cannot believe that he has gone so long without doing it. As horribly cliche as it sounds, he thinks that he could get addicted to this, or that he could do it forever—it feels good, and he loves being this close to Ren.

Something that definitely eggs this feeling is how heady Ren is—he so easily, so quickly turns their soft, chaste kisses into something much deeper than that, pulling Goro’s hips forward so that they’re snug against one another. And Goro doesn’t fight it—he relinquishes control readily and happily, soaking in the sensation of Ren’s mouth against his own.

“Ren,” he says against the other man’s mouth, “Ren.”

“Mm?” Ren hums, running a gentle hand down the side of Goro’s arm. “What is it?”

“Nothing, nothing.” Goro’s face turns a pink color—he can feel it happening, and he absolutely hates it. “I just—hrgh. I just wanted to see your face.”

“Aww, so cute!” Ren laughs, tangling a hand into Goro’s hair and stroking his head. “Well, you can look at me all you want if you like. I won’t complain.”

“Hm. I think I’m good for now,” Goro says, smirking a little bit, trying very hard to have the upper hand emotionally in this situation. He leans back in, connecting his lips with Ren’s again, and they effortlessly fall back into the rhythm that they had before.

After a moment, Goro can feel Ren’s hands snaking up the sides of his bare chest, sliding across the barely-there toned muscle, feeling almost desperate in its exploratory nature. His breath hitches into Ren’s mouth and he sighs, longingly, as if he aches for this—which very well might be true. He does. He aches and aches and aches for Ren, wants him more than anything else; he can’t  _ believe  _ that he willingly deprived himself of this for so long, for so many years—

Suddenly, there’s a fist banging against their bedroom door, and Goro flinches, breaking away from Ren and accidentally clicking their teeth together in the process.

“Wake up!” Ryuji shouts, pounding his fist against the door some more. “I’m coming in there to wake you up!”

“No!” Ren shouts, but it’s much too late for that because the door suddenly swings open and Ryuji steps into the bedroom. He takes one swift, fleeting look at the two of them and immediately turns on his heels and exits the room, exclaiming a loud  _ Sorry!  _ right before he slams the door shut.

Ren and Goro sit in silence for a stiff moment, and then they look at one another and Ren bursts into laughter. Goro can feel his face turning a deeper red color, can feel it up to the tips of his ears; he covers his face with his hands and starts mumbling some more. “Oh jesus fucking christ,” he says, mouth muffled because it’s pressed against his hands. “Fuck. Fucking Sakamoto.”

“He’s going to be too embarrassed to ever bring this up in front of me, if it makes you feel any better,” Ren says, petting Goro’s head some more. “And he’ll definitely leave us alone for a little while, so if you want to make out some more...” 

“Don’t we have to drive?” Goro asks, raising an eyebrow. “It’s already noon.”

“Eh, it’s fine. It’s only a five hour drive, we can afford to leave a little bit later. Plus, we’re heading to Kushiro next, and we’re staying there for three full days instead of one. Plenty of time to do things.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that.” Goro shrugs his shoulders. “Well, if that’s the case, then—then yes, of course. Kiss me more.”

It feels good being able to be open about what he wants, especially because Ren is excited and happy to give it to him. Their mouths meet again, and Ren’s hands slowly go back to exploring, and time melts into nothingness.

It’s only him and Ren and their hands and mouths and that is all that they really need.

* * *

The car ride is very enjoyable.

Well—the second half is enjoyable, anyway. Ren drives for the first half, which is all good and fine, but they can’t sit directly next to one another, and Goro is still gripping onto to his post-new-relationship-clinginess-high. They still talk to one another though, and apparently Ryuji spilled what happened earlier to Ann and Futaba because Futaba makes fun of them at least four times.

It’s fine, though, because otherwise the first half is totally fine. The second half is definitely a lot better, because he and Ren get to sit next to one another, essentially attached at the hip. Futaba pokes them in the arm every time they get too touchy with one another, which is a little bit humiliating, but Goro still feels too woozy and happy to care too much about that.

They stop at one rest stop and Ren and Goro head inside to the bathroom, kiss one another in the stall, and then head back out to the car. 

This whole affair is a little bit embarrassing, but Goro still can’t find it in himself to care very much. The rest of the car ride is relatively quiet, save for the sound of soft music playing in the background. The scenery changes the closer they get to Kushiro—the world gets more and more green and lush. It’s really nice to see, truthfully.

By the time they get to their condo—thank god it’s another condo—the sun has started setting in the sky already. It’s a beautiful sight, honestly, and a nice backdrop as they all yank their suitcases out of the car for the last time and carry them inside. 

The place that they’re staying in this time is a lot smaller than the condo they were staying in before, but it’s all right. There are two queen sized beds and one very large, comfortable looking couch, and Goro is quite happy about this because he once again gets to have a nice, private area with Ren. And that’s all he could really ask for, honestly.

The room that he and Ren are staying in together is… cute. The blankets are white and lacey and have little ornate patterns crawling all over them, and the pillows are a sweet pink color. The wallpaper has flowers painted on it, and it looks like something that has come directly out of a grandmother’s bedroom. There’s a soft-looking chair in the corner with white and pink stripes, and a large dresser shoved against the wall closest to the door. There’s also a bathroom with a similar pink-and-white color scheme.

“This room doesn’t match our personalities very well,” Ren says, putting his hands on his hips as he looks around.

Goro raises an eyebrow. “What kind of room  _ would _ match our personalities, then?”

“I dunno. Something emo, I guess? I feel like I’m in a nursing home in this one.” 

Goro barks out a laugh and covers his mouth with his hand after he does so, totally surprised by how loud he was. Ren laughs too, eyes crinkling at the sides with how wide his smile is. Goro wants to reach up towards him and kiss him, but first he has to unpack his suitcase a little bit.

He does it quickly: first he removes all of his hair and skin products and sets them up on the bathroom counter. Then he unpackages the towels that the condo has provided for them and hangs them up on some hooks on the door. This time around, he  _ does  _ unpack his clothes, putting them away into the dresser best he can while still leaving space for Ren to put his things away, too.

After that, he dusts around a little bit and then plops himself down on the bed, feeling stupidly exhausted. All he did was unpack—why is he so tired? He didn’t even do anything today besides sit around with Ren in the morning and then also sit in a car for five hours. By those standards, he definitely shouldn’t be feeling as exhausted as he already is. But—whatever. It’ll be night time soon, and then he can go to sleep, and then he’ll probably be less tired after that.

Probably.

“You’re fast at unpacking,” Ren says, who is still putting away some of his shirts.

“It’s because I like to do everything as immediately and as quickly as possible,” Goro explains, crossing one of his legs over the other. “I’m neurotic.”

“Doing things immediately and quickly doesn’t necessarily make you neurotic.”

“That may be true, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am most definitely neurotic,” Goro mumbles, running a hand through his hair. “There really isn’t any denying that.”

“I’m not making any comment on that,” Ren replies, and then he puts away the last shirt in the drawer and closes it up. “Are you hungry, by the way? I kind of want to go and see what we’re getting for dinner.”

“We’re not going to be doing another bar crawl, I hope.” Goro sighs. “The last one destroyed my body.”

“No way. I can only make a fool out of myself once a week, y’know. I don’t think my self-confidence would be able to handle doing it more than that.”

“That seems to be something we share a sentiment about.” He smiles. “Anyway—I am a little bit hungry, yes. Should we go and check up on everyone else?”

Ren stretches his arms out over his head, standing on his tiptoes for a moment as he does so. “Yeah, might as well.” He hooks an arm around Goro’s locking their elbows snugly together. “Do you care if I, like… give you excessive PDA, by the way? Or do you want me to not do that?”

“Um.” Goro hasn’t ever really considered this before. He’s very quick to be embarrassed, so he’s worried about the others making fun of him or something—but at the same time, he’s been so horrendously touch-starved his whole entire life that he wants Ren to constantly be close to him. “That’s all right,” he says after a moment. “I don’t mind.”

“Well, just let me know if you change your mind,” Ren hums, opening up the door. "I'm touchy, I can't help it."

Goro gives a little nod, and the two of them exit the bedroom and head over to the little couch area, which Ryuji is currently sitting on. Ann and Futaba are hovering around in the kitchen getting something to drink, it seems.

Ren sits himself and Goro down on the couch with a sigh. “We’re hungry,” he says, speaking to nobody in particular. “What’s for dinner?”

“I was going to suggest making something tonight, but that requires going out and buying groceries,” Ann says with a sigh as she shuts the fridge door. “Do you have any ideas?”

“I want some beer,” Ryuji interjects. “I’m gonna go out and buy some. I can pick up food on the way back, though? I’m sure there’s something nearby that we can order from.”

After a little bit of debate, the five of them decide on a place to order some food from. Ryuji writes it all down, calls the place and places their order, and then heads on out of the house to go pick it up along with the alcohol.

There is a brief silence in the apartment before Futaba starts giggling.

“What’s so funny?” Ann asks, sitting down on the couch. 

Futaba follows behind her, sitting down next to her. “Them,” she says, pointing to Ren and Goro. “You guys are soooo cute. You’re attached at the hip. It’s sooo domestic. I can’t believe Akechi-kun has a soft side.”

Goro makes a sound that’s a lot like  _ ghmph  _ and crosses his arms over his chest, the picture of a child having a little temper tantrum. Futaba laughs, and then Ann laughs, and then Ren laughs too and leans over and presses the softest of kisses against Goro’s cheek and his entire face lights up red. He feels like a stop sign, for god’s sake—his entire body is practically a radiator at this point because of how embarrassed he’s feeling.

He knows in his head that none of them are necessarily laughing  _ at _ him, but rather laughing  _ with _ him—and yet Goro can’t shake the feeling that they  _ are _ laughing at him. He squeezes his arms against his chest harder, not wanting to look anybody in the eye for fear that he’ll get even more embarrassed. 

“He does have a soft side,” Ren says, and his voice is as gentle as the breeze, a hand reaching up to ghost against the side of Goro’s face as he brushes his hair out of his eyes. “It’s nice. But I like all sides of him—”

“Let’s not get too sappy,” Futaba warns, pulling her legs up into a criss-cross position. “You know how much I can’t staaaand PDA.”

“It’s not PDA, I’m just talking,” Ren replies, easily, like he’s rehearsed this conversation before. He keeps his eyes trained on Goro, warm and content, a small smile touching the corners of his lips. 

Ren looks at Goro as if they are the only two people in the whole room—as if they are the only two people in the entire universe. He looks at Goro like he is stained glass in a church, colored with beautiful reds and oranges and deep blues and greens. He looks at Goro as if he is treasure found at the bottom of the sea locked away in a chest that must be decoded to be unlocked; he looks at Goro as if he is a gem that has been hidden away for centuries.

He looks at Goro like he is special.

Goro feels special.

Being special is really, truly the thing that Goro has wanted most in his life. He has always wanted to feel important yet normal. Enchanting yet conforming. But he’s come to realize that he cannot be both of those things at once, it seems—he has to choose one over the other. And he’s always found being special to be more pertinent than being normal—because he can fake being normal as much as he likes, but he cannot fake the feelings that come with being treated specially.

And he’s never felt special, not in his entire life. Not before Ren. “Special” was something that Goro sought out to be—through being a detective, through working for Shido, through painting himself and his image so particularly—but he could never truly be what he wanted to be.

Until now. Now he can be special, for the first time in his whole life.

He blinks at Ren a couple of times, and Ren blinks back.

“Wow,” Ann says. Her word launches Ren and Goro out of their staring trance and they glare at her, eyes narrowing simultaneously.

“What?” Ren asks.

“Nothing really.” Ann grins. “You’re just… like… you’re both so smitten, it’s kind of ridiculous.”

“Maybe I am,” Ren replies, grinning back. “I can’t help it.”

“I don’t think this is a ‘maybe’ situation—this is a ‘it’s a fact that you’re infatuated with one another’ situation. There’s like, a big difference between the two of those.”

“Is this all you’re going to talk about?” Goro asks, sighing a little bit in his agitation.

Futaba laughs. “We would talk about something else if you didn’t give us so much to observe. But you guys just sit there and stare at each other with sparkles in your eyes and don’t talk to us, so—I mean, what else are we meant to talk about? The flooring?”

“Just talk to each other.”

“Nope, sorry, not when you guys are showing off your admiration for each other so loudly.”

Goro wants to grit his teeth and say  _ don’t make fun of me,  _ but he holds himself back because he knows that neither of them are actually making fun of him. He rubs his face with his hands instead, sighing deeply again. Ren wraps an arm around his shoulder and leans in again, kissing the side of his face once before sitting back. “We can always go back to our room if you’re just going to sit and mansplain our relationship,” he says.

“Be gross in private if you want,” Futaba hums, waving her hand around in the air. “Me and Ann are going to wait here until Ryuji gets back.”

Ren and Goro look at each other for a moment, and then they look at Futaba and Ann, and then they look back at each other again.

“Um,” Goro says.

Ren licks his lips. “Let’s wait in our room for Ryuji to get back,” he says, and something in his eyes flicker as he speaks. 

They both stand up, and Futaba and Ann giggle at them noisily. They giggle and giggle and giggle all the way until Ren and Goro are back inside of their room again.

The sound of their laughter, however, immediately fades into nothingness when Ren gently pushes Goro against the wall. He crowds in close to him, settling his hands along the sides of his hips, holding him gingerly. 

“Sorry for being a little… cringey,” Ren mumbles close to Goro’s ear, “but they’re right. I’m utterly infatuated with you!”

“Keep using words like ‘utterly’ and people will start to think that you’re turning into me,” Goro says, humming slightly. He trails his hands up Ren’s back, tucking themselves underneath his shirt. “It’s not ‘cringey,’ though, are you joking? This is—um.”

Ren raises an eyebrow. “This is what?” 

“This is all I’ve ever wanted,” Goro says quickly, the words all rushing together into one big blob. He averts his eyes and stares at the floor, unable to stop his face from turning pink again.

“Oh,” Ren says, smiling sweetly. “I’m happy, then. That makes me happy.”

“You make me happy,” Goro replies, and he’s finding that being open and honest right now is so easy. He can say whatever he wants to say without a care in the world, because even though Ann and Futaba are out in the living room, it doesn’t  _ feel  _ like they are. Whenever Goro is alone with Ren, it feels like they are the only two people in the whole universe. 

His eyes drift back to Ren after looking away for a moment. “Are you just going to crowd me against the wall?”

“Oh, I guess I kind of forgot what I was doing. Um—“ He takes a step back. “I wonder how long it’ll be until Ryuji gets back.”

Goro looks Ren right in the eye and raises his eyebrow. He realizes, all at once, that he has not once seen Ren be flustered—Goro is always the one in that position. It’s always him with pink cheeks and red ears and a grumbly mouth; it isn’t ever Ren. 

This should be remedied immediately. 

He licks his lips. “Enough time, I imagine,” he hums, pulling Ren on over to their grandma bed. He pushes him against it gently, until the back of Ren’s knees hit the mattress. 

“Uh,” Ren manages. “Hi—“

Goro doesn’t say hi back; instead he simply lays Ren down on the mattress, guiding him onto his back slowly and scooting him up a little bit so that his head is resting on the bundle of pillows. 

“Ren,” Goro says. “I love you. Will you let me take care of you?”

That’s all that Goro had to say, it seems—because all at once Ren’s face lights up in an amusing pink color. His eyes wiggle and his mouth twitches into a smile. 

“Yeah, okay,” he whispers, reaching his hands up to touch the sides of Goro’s face. “Take care of me, Goro. Touch me. Show me how much you love me.”

Goro feels like his blood is moving faster and faster through his veins and arteries; a climbing adrenaline rush thumps against the back of his skull, seeping into his brain like an electrical socket sparking. He doesn’t want to say anything else—he doesn’t have to say anything else. 

He nestles himself on top of Ren’s hips, leans down, and kisses him with all of the love in the world. 

* * *

When Ryuji comes back thirty minutes later with beer and their food, the five of them gather on the couch together and drink and eat. They put a movie on the television, and Ren leans against Goro the whole time, and Ann smiles smugly at him throughout the entire thing. 

Goro doesn’t even care. He hadn’t imagined ever being able to feel so carefree and happy before—he wants to make it last as long as possible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there wasn't really any plot this chapter, it was more just like.... "ren are goro are sappy." but it happens!


	13. eye of hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Goro,” Ren says, and he’s got that familiar facial expression of concern. “You’re not normal, I’ll agree with that, but I don’t think that any of us can be considered normal. And there isn’t anything wrong with that, you know? Also, I think that there’s something wrong with everybody. There are things wrong with me. It’s just… part of being a human. There are things wrong with us.”

It’s their first real day in Kushiro, and Goro is looking forward to it.

He stayed up rather late last night—much later than he normally does, but about the same as he did when he was a teenager. He spent half of it watching movie after movie with Ryuji, Ann and Futaba, and the other half with Ren, playing chess on an old chessboard that happened to be tucked away in one of the cabinets. It was a pretty handy find, because playing chess on their phones takes too much time between turns; and besides, it’s much nicer visually this way.

They played four rounds, and Ren won the last one. Goro has never felt the need to go easy on Ren and let him win, because Ren is a big boy and doesn’t need to be babied like that. Goro can’t imagine that Ren would  _ like  _ being babied in such a way, either, so this is mostly out of respect for him rather than a thing that Goro is doing for himself. 

Plus, he knew that one day Ren would beat him. And that time happened to be last night—technically this morning, he supposes—at three o’clock in the morning. Ren celebrated by having the last beer, and then shortly afterwards they tucked away the chessboard and huddled against one another underneath the blankets.

_ Things have been going very well,  _ Goro had thought to himself before drifting off.  _ Too well. _

He’s trying to catastrophize things less, because Goro knows that this is a really bad habit of his, but sometimes he cannot help and fall victim to those sort of thought loops. After all, this is how his life has always been—a constant string of events, each one progressively more horrible and damaging to his mental health and the last. Wouldn’t any normal person start becoming concerned when only good things are happening after a lifetime of only bad things?

Goro thinks that for once, this is an understandable mindset to have.

Well, no matter, though. He’s going to try to not think about it, he tells himself, and so he falls asleep without another hitch.

The next morning, he sleeps late again. Not later than Ren, though; no, he wakes up first this time. They had forgotten to close the blinds again last night, so sunlight is streaming through the window and onto the bed once more, leaving shadows as horizontal lines.

Goro rubs his forehead a little bit, trying to knock the slight headache away, and sits up.

He sighs. 

He could go back to sleep, he supposes, but he doesn’t really want to. And he’s really,  _ really  _ thirsty, so the first thing that he absolutely needs to do before he passes out again is get some water. 

Slowly he climbs out of bed? What time is it? His phone says just past ten in the morning, which: has still given him a pretty decent amount of sleep, but his head is feeling pretty foggy and pretty woozy, and he’s not exactly content with that sensation just sitting around in his brain.

Goro leaves the bedroom and heads into the kitchen to get some water. He gets a glass for Ren, too, who drank significantly more alcohol than Goro had last night. As he stands at the counter and downs his glass, his eyes can’t help but flicker over to Ryuji, who appears to be dead asleep on the couch. He keeps an eye on him for a moment, thinking, wondering, and then sets his glass down with a quiet  _ tak. _

He feels like… maybe… he wants to have a talk with Ryuji.

He isn’t too sure what the talk would specifically entail, though. There are certainly a myriad of things that the two of them could discuss—most of which having to do with Ren, or with things that happened in the past, or about Shido and so on and so forth—but Goro doesn’t know if he wants to talk about all of those things and nothing else. Those kinds of conversations aren’t any fun for anybody, and he doesn’t want to sour his own mood by trying to get closer to Ryuji.

Is that what this is about? Getting closer to Ryuji? Why would Goro want to do that? He’s never expressed any explicit interest in doing so before, and out of all of the thieves, Ryuji is the one that Goro gets along with the worst, so—why?

Why does he want to do that?

Maybe this is something he should think about at another time, not when he’s just barely woken up. Goro refills his own cup of water again and then takes it as well as Ren’s cup back to their bedroom. 

When he returns, he is mildly surprised to see Ren awake. He’s curled up on his side, nearly buried in his comforter, holding his phone very close to his face and scrolling through it. He doesn’t have his glasses on right now, and it makes him look… younger. Sweeter.

“I got you some water,” Goro says, holding out the glass to him. Ren detangles himself from his blankets and sits up, accepting the cup of water in a manner that can only be described as  _ graciously. _

He takes a long, uninterrupted gulp. “Thanks,” he says, wiping his mouth with his arm. “I really, er, needed that.”

“I’m sure that you did,” Goro hums, sitting down next to him on the bed. “Did you sleep all right?”

“Yeah, I slept pretty well. I know that I had a dream, but I can’t really remember it.” He shrugs. “Did you sleep okay?”

“I slept fine. I’m still a little bit tired, and I was debating going back to sleep, but I think that I’ll stay awake for now.” A sigh. “I need to shower.”

“Yeah, me too. I’m feeling a little bit gross.” Ren runs a hand through his hair, contemplative. “Want to take a shower with me?”

Goro blinks a couple of times, unsure if he heard that correctly. “Sorry?”

“Are you gonna get all bashful and act like I haven’t seen you naked?” Ren asks, folding his hands together. “You can, if you want. It’s kind of cute.”

There’s that adjective again:  _ cute.  _ Goro folds his arms over his chest, huffing slightly. “I’m not being bashful. I was just checking.”

“So—will you?” 

Goro thinks for a moment. “Okay,” he says, gripping his cup of water. “But  _ no  _ fooling around. I want to actually shower.”

“Yeah, okay, I got it.” Ren laughs. “I’ll be super, super serious about the whole thing as long as you let me wash your hair.”

“Fine.” Goro is trying to act like he isn’t excited. He thinks that he’s doing a pretty good job. “You like my hair too much.”

“It’s just so nice and long and soft. Come on, let’s start before everybody else wakes up,” Ren says, pushing himself off the bed.

He extends a hand out to Goro, who takes it immediately, and the two of them meander into the bathroom.

* * *

“What are we doing today?” Goro asks from his spot on the couch.

It’s been about thirty minutes since he showered, and since then, everybody has gathered themselves in the living area. Futaba looks particularly tired this morning, especially with the way that she is slowly leaning to the side, appearing as if she’s about to fall asleep. 

Fortunately, Goro feels a lot more awake than she does. His hair is freshly washed, and he feels a lot cleaner and more ready to experience whatever it is they’re going to do today. Ren sits beside him on a couch, an arm thrown around him lazily as he checks something on his phone.

“We’re going to the national park!” Ann exclaims, raising her hand into the air. Clearly she’s very excited for this; Goro isn’t particularly surprised. He’s glad that they’re going to the national park here, though, because it is definitely Kushiro’s biggest attraction. “We’re going to go swimming and have a picnic and it’s going to be totally perfect. And we’re only allowed to complain about the bugs a little bit, okay?”

“No excessive complaining,” Ryuji says, crossing one of his legs over the other. “Or else I’ll yell at you.” He looks at Goro and then at Futaba, and Goro’s eyebrow raises immediately. He feels rather affronted that Ryuji thinks he’s going to be complaining about the bugs, but quite truthfully, that  _ is _ a rather Goro thing to do. He can’t say that he’s the biggest fan of insects.

“I’m not going to do that,” he grumbles, looking away. 

Ryuji seems to accept that admission, because then he goes back to the conversation at hand. “Anyway, yeah, a picnic and swimming. It’ll be fun. Ren’s gonna help me make the food before we go, which shouldn’t take long ‘cus we’re not gonna put a whole lot of effort into it.”

“You weren’t supposed to tell them that,” Ren says. 

“I figure it’s better t’be honest. Plus, it’s not like we’re gonna make the food shitty. It’s only sandwiches and sushi—y’can’t really go all out with that stuff unless you’re rich.”

“If you say so,” Ann says, sighing. “Either way, you two will be working on that, which leaves me, Futaba, and Goro to pack away a blanket and water and clothes and towels and all of those things.”

“The easier job,” Ryuji points out. 

“Yeah, it’s the easier job, but  _ you  _ offered to help make the food with Ren, genius.”

Ryuji leans back on the couch, putting his hands behind his head. “Well, I couldn’t just leave him to do it all on his own.”

“You’re so thoughtful,” Ren says, grinning. 

“Thanks, man.” Ryuji flashes him a thumbs-up sign. “Anyway—we all good to get started? We keep waking up way too late and wasting daylight, so we should—“

Futaba scoffs. “Oh, shut up with the ‘wasting daylight’ stuff—“

“—so we should get a move on, yeah?” Ryuji finishes, glaring at Futaba, who glares back at him. Is this just how they interact with one another normally? Or are they actually mad at one another? Goro genuinely cannot tell. 

He and Ren stand up, then, because everybody else has dispersed themselves among the condo. Goro takes a moment to look out one of the large windows at the little lake outside, and at the small dock leaning down to it. He’d like to look at that in more detail later on today. 

“Can you pack my stuff for me?” Ren asks, fixing a piece of Goro’s hair with his thumb and index finger. “Do you know where everything is?”

“I’m sure that I can find it,” Goro huffs, glancing up at Ren’s hand. “Do you want anything in particular to be brought along?”

“Yeah. My white tshirt, if you can find it. But everything else is up to you.”

“Okay,” Goro says, voice unusually soft. “Have fun making your sandwiches.”

“And sushi,” Ren adds, holding a finger up. “Thanks. It shouldn’t take long, even though Ryuji made it sound like it would. I’m fast at these kinds of things.”

Goro gives a little smile. “I can imagine.”

The two of them part ways after that, and Goro heads back into the bedroom to collect their stuff. He gets out a couple of things: two towels, taken out from a bin full of other towels; their respective clothes—white tshirt for Ren, similarly white tshirt for Goro (it's actually just another one of Ren's shirts), but his has a graphic on the front of it; and some sunscreen and their water bottles. 

He sets all of the stuff down on their bed and stares at it, hands on his hips. He just needs somewhere to put everything. 

Goro gets a bag from Ann, which he packs everything away into. Ann then proceeds to put her things, Futaba’s things, and Ryuji’s things into the bag as well, before sealing it up and setting it on the floor. 

Fortunately, it doesn’t take long for Ryuji and Ren to finish making the food. The two of them finish up about five minutes later and then pack everything into a separate bag, putting it away precariously as to not ruin the food. 

Shortly after that, the five of them are off.

They drive down to the national park, food and clothes and towels and so on packed away in the trunk snugly. It doesn’t take all too long to reach the parking lot; after all, Kushiro isn’t the biggest place in the universe, so traveling is relatively simple and fast. 

When they arrive, they unpack all of their things and decide that it’d be best to start searching for a spot. It‘s a good idea, having a picnic today, because the temperature isn’t too warm and the food is going to sit out for a while as they swim, so that’s nice. It takes them a short while to find a nice, shaded spot underneath a tree, which they drop all of their belongings under with multiple heaving sighs.

Ann takes the opportunity to lay out a couple of blankets in the grass under the tree, some of it shaded and some of it not shaded, and then claps her hands together in an effort to remove whatever dust particles have collected on her hands.

They’ve set up in a pretty nice spot. The area is rather secluded, with the only path leading down to their location being a small, shrub-shrouded walkway. A small lake stands before them, beautiful and still in its appearance, and there are trees dispersed in the grass, all a few yards away from the shoreline. 

Overall, it’s pretty nice. Goro has never done something like this before, so he’s feeling a little bit apprehensive, but not in an intolerable way. He shifts awkwardly where he stands, waiting for somebody to say something. 

“I’m warm,” Ryuji says, immediately peeling his shirt off once everything has been set up. He hangs it up on one of the tree branches. “Can I swim? You guys are all taking way too long.”

Futaba and Goro look at one another and then shrug simultaneously. “Do what you want,” Futaba replies, waving her hand indifferently. “We’ll be ready soon. Just need to emotionally prepare myself to wear a bathing suit in public, you know?”

Ryuji looks as though he has absolutely no idea what to say to that, so he turns around and heads off towards the water, kicking off his shoes and socks down by the shoreline before wading into the lake.

Goro looks at Ren expectantly. “Are you going in?” he asks, raising a curious eyebrow. 

“Yeah,” Ren says, licking his lips as he pulls off his own shirt. “Want me to undress you?”

“Hmph. No thanks, I can do that by myself,” Goro mumbles. He tries his very hardest to sound grumpy so that Ren will come over and pet him on the head, but it ends up sounding more whiny than grumpy. Ren knows him too well, though, because once his shirt is properly hung up he comes over and pets his head anyway.

“It’s a nice day today,” Ren hums, looking up at the sky. He’s right, it is a nice day—a little bit chilly, but that’s because they’re so far away from the equator. It isn’t cold enough to swim, though Goro is certain that he’s going to be shivering a little bit by the end of the day. That’s something for him to worry about later, though; in the meantime, he’s actually quite excited for this.

“It is,” he says, nodding. From the corner of his eye he can see Ann and Futaba looking at him, snickering, and Goro’s nose wrinkles up. There isn’t really anything he can do about their teasing at this point besides graciously accept it, but he doesn’t have that down perfectly just yet.

Slowly Goro takes his shirt off, folding it up and hanging it on one of the tree branches. Here’s the thing: he’s feeling a  _ little  _ bit self conscious. He definitely wouldn’t be self conscious at all if he were eighteen or even nineteen right now, because back then, he still had all of the confidence in the world regarding his physical appearance. He was toned, strong, and very physically active—there wasn’t really any reason for him to doubt his looks.

But it’s different now, because he’s… significantly less muscular than he used to be. His stomach isn’t toned anymore, it’s a little bit squishy, a little bit soft. It hasn’t ever  _ particularly  _ bothered him, it’s just been something that he has accepted as fact, but—now that he’s in front of everybody else, he’s feeling a bit apprehensive.

Ren can probably tell what’s going on, because he puts a knowing hand on Goro’s back, fingers pressing gently against his skin. “You look fine,” he says close to his ear; Ren’s breath ghosts against his ear and Goro has to hold himself back from shivering.

“I know,” he grumbles, trying and failing to make himself look a little bit cooler than he actually is.

“Oh, my bad. I suppose someone as handsome as you would know how good they look.” Ren winks, and Goro’s stomach turns itself over. “Anyway—race you to the center of the lake?”

In an instant, Goro’s mind switches over to competitive mode. He dashes towards the water and Ren dashes after him, all the way down to the shoreline, until the two of them have dived into the lake and are swimming underwater. Goro moves himself as fast as he can, but when he comes up to the surface of the water, he is horrified to see that Ren is already at the center of the lake.

“What the fuck?” he says, slapping the water. “How did you move so fast?”

“I like swimming,” Ren says with a shrug. He floats on over to Goro and wraps an awkward arm around him, keeping him in place while still somehow treading water. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I didn’t know that you could swim.”

“I learned two years ago,” Goro mumbles, embarrassed. 

“Nothing wrong with that, honestly. How did you learn, though?”

“Ah, well. The college that I was attending was doing a little… workshop of sorts, for people who hadn’t ever learned how to swim before. I enrolled because I knew that it would be good for me to learn.”

“Swallowed your pride, huh?” Ren asks, smiling.

“Mhm. It took me a few days to get over the initial humiliation of signing up, but it was fine once I got to the class, because it was clear that nobody else knew how to swim, either. Which was refreshing. I don’t think you know how many times I’ve turned down work parties because they involved swimming.”

“Did you really have a significant amount of those?”

“Well—I had two, actually. But two is more than one, and two is the beginning of a pattern.”

Ren blinks at him, looking rather amused. “If you say so.”

Goro frowns. “You think I sound stupid.”

“No, no! That’s not it.” Ren holds his hands up defensively. “It’s just that… well, I’ve always had the privilege of knowing how to swim, you know? My parents made me learn when I was young. So I guess I don’t have the ability to totally understand your situation is all. But I can still sympathize with it. Um… does that make sense?” He blinks. “I can’t tell if I’m being sensitive enough right now.”

“You’re fine, it’s fine,” Goro says. “I was just interpreting what you said incorrectly, I apologize. Regardless, the important thing is that I’ve learned how to swim, so I no longer need to be embarrassed about this anymore. Plus, if someone asked me, I would tell them that I’ve known how to swim since I was a child, as to avoid more embarrassment.”

“I mean—that makes sense.” Ren smiles some more, tilting his head just slightly as he does so, the picture of endearing. “I would do the same thing, I’d say.”

Goro sighs. “Thanks for the vote of assurance. I can’t help but feel a little bit… abnormal when I talk about these sorts of things. Like there’s something wrong with me. Like I’m not normal.” He frowns. “Well. There is definitely something wrong with me. I can say that for certain.”

“Goro,” Ren says, and he’s got that familiar facial expression of concern. “You’re not normal, I’ll agree with that, but I don’t think that any of us can be considered normal. And there isn’t anything wrong with that, you know? Also, I think that there’s something wrong with everybody. There are things wrong with me. It’s just… part of being a human. There are things wrong with us.”

“I know,” Goro mumbles, looking down at the water for a moment, collecting his thoughts. He’s been stuck in this thought loop forever and ever—stuck between his desire to be seen as normal, his desire to conform—and the decision to stop caring about that sort of thing. For whatever reason, there’s a tiny little piece of him that cannot seem to let go of wanting to come across as  _ normal. _

Normal. He hates that word. He hates it. He hates it. He hates it. He hates it because he knows that this is something he will never be. 

It makes him angry.

Ren puts a hand on his shoulder, and it feels a little weird at first because they’re swimming, but then the sensation goes away. “Everything okay?”

“How did you not let anything affect you?” Goro says suddenly, eyes flashing. “I mean—people spread horrible, untrue rumors about you at your school, right? How did those not upset you?”

“Of course they upset me!” Ren laughs, but it doesn’t sound like a real laugh. It’s too forced. “Of course they upset me. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not made out of steel. I still have feelings. I just got good at pretending I was unbothered. Because—well. Because in the beginning, nobody cared about my feelings. Nobody cared whether or not the insults hurted me or not, because in everybody else’s eyes, I was a good-for-nothing delinquent.” He shrugs. “Nobody cared if it made me upset.”

The way Ren is talking makes Goro feel unspeakably sad. This is clearly a thing that really affected him, but he—did he just keep that sentiment to himself this whole time? Did he pretend that he was doing okay? Did he suffer so much on his own?

They are more alike in this regard than Goro initially thought they were.

“I care,” Goro says, tentative. “I… realize that this is a sentiment six years too late, but the sentiment is there nonetheless. It’s not fair that you had to… ah, deal with all of that on your own.” He resists the urge to squeeze his eyes shut; he’s never been very good at comforting people, but he hopes that Ren understands he’s trying to anyway. 

“I know you care,” Ren replies, humming to himself as he places his hands on the side of Goro’s face. “I know that you do. I can tell by the way that you look at me, and by the way that you talk to me.”

Goro smiles. It’s a small one, but there’s a lot of meaning behind it. “You have to promise something to me.”

“Hm? What’s that?”

“Don’t… um. Don’t shoulder your suffering on your own anymore. You shouldn’t have to deal with those things on your own. I’m… here for you, okay?” Pause. “Say it to me, Ren. Promise me.”

Goro can taste romance on his tongue.

Ren licks his lips and blinks a few times, slow like a cat. “I promise,” he says, voice quiet. “I promise, Goro. Will you promise the same to me?”

And—Goro knows that there is only one correct answer to this, even if he’s reluctant to say it. “I promise.”

A warm smile breaks out across Ren’s face and he leans forward, pressing a kiss to Goro’s cheek. “Good,” he says. “That made me happy to hear. More than you could imagine.” 

Goro isn’t exactly sure what to say, so he responds with a light  _ hm.  _ He’s about to say something else when he is interrupted by the sound of Ann’s voice calling the two of them to the shore.

They turn around and look at her.

“Hey, guys!” she shouts, waving her hands all over the place. “Come back here! We’re gonna play a game!”

Goro and Ren exchange looks with one another and start swimming back. Goro has half the mind to say  _ aren’t we too old for games?  _ but he keeps that comment to himself in case it makes him sound like a boring old fart. 

When they reach the shore, Ann explains the rules to them.

“It’s called chicken, I think,” Ann says. “Or maybe turkey? I’m not really sure. That’s not important, though! What’s important is how you play it. Basically there are two teams of people. One person sits on top of their teammates shoulders, and then the two people who are sitting on the shoulders wrestle one another. The first person to fall off loses!”

She beams. Goro makes a face.

“There’s five of us, but Futaba has decided to be our referee for this, so it works out. How do we want to break up the teams?” Ann asks, putting her hands on her hips.

“I want to be on Ann’s team,” Goro immediately says without even a second of hesitation. “I want to sit on her shoulders. I want to wrestle Ren.”

There is a beat of silence, and then Futaba bursts into laughter. “That’s  _ perfect! _ ” she exclaims, holding her face as she giggles.

Goro tries very hard to prevent his face from turning pink, but he fails spectacularly. Ren pats him on the shoulder once, twice, and for whatever reason, it makes Goro laugh, too. He doesn’t usually laugh at himself unless it’s in a moment of hysteria, so it’s kind of freeing to be able to make light of himself a little bit.

“Oh, um. Unless Ann doesn’t want me to sit on her shoulders,” he adds, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Who do you take me for? A little weakling?” Ann still has her hands on her hips. “Of course I can hold you up on my shoulders!”

And, well—that settled that. After a few minutes of getting set up, the two teams are ready: Ann and Goro on one team, with Goro sitting on Ann’s shoulders; and Ryuji and Ren on the other team, with Ren sitting on Ryuji’s shoulders. They’re standing in about five feet of water, which is just about comfortable enough for Ann and Ryuji to be able to stand without their faces being submerged.

Goro’s stomach is rolling with excitement.

“All right!” Futaba shouts from the shore. “Everyone ready?”

There is a chorus of  _ yeahs  _ and  _ yesses,  _ and then Futaba counts down from three. On  _ go,  _ she points at the four of them, and the match begins.

Ryuji and Ann immediately step closer to one another to get Ren and Goro within an arm’s distance of each other. The two of them plant their arms against one another and take turns shoving each other. Goro’s legs are wrapped around Ann’s shoulders pretty hard, and for a moment he wonders if he’s hurting her, but she doesn’t say anything so he supposes that it’s fine.

“Fuck,” he grumbles. “I think you’re stronger than me.”   


Ren raises an eyebrow. His hair is dripping with water and there’s a smug grin plastered across his face, one that Goro is certain he is mirroring. “Oh yeah? That surprise you?”

“Not at all,” Goro replies, shoving Ren’s left shoulder with a grunt. “It’s just a bit of a blow to my ego, that’s all.”

“I’m sure your ego will be fine,” Ren says, swinging his arm. “If you—”

“Less talking, more fighting!” Ann shouts, tightening her grip on Goro’s thighs. Goro decides to heed her advice and doubles down on Ren, leaning forward and giving him a shove with all of his might. That seems to do the trick: after a pause where all of time stands still, Ren topples over into the water, dragging Ryuji underneath with him.

Ann shrieks out a  _ yes!!  _ and Goro can’t help but shriek too, because—well, he seriously thought that he was going to lose, so he thinks that he deserves a little bit of excitement. He smacks his hands against Ann’s in a semi-high five and then falls backwards off her shoulders and into the water.

“Rematch!” Ryuji cries when he comes back up to the surface. “This time, I’m the one sitting on Ren’s shoulders, since apparently he’s a  _ loser.” _

“Whatever,” Ren says, pushing Ryuji on the arm. “I’d like to see you  _ try  _ and win against Goro.”

The defensiveness makes something in Goro’s chest bloom wildly, but he keeps his emotions to himself, sating whatever feelings he has with a small smile meant for himself. 

The five of them agree on a rematch, and then they get into their positions and start again.

Several matches later—because they aren’t capable of just one, of course—finds the five of them sans Futaba laying sprawled out on the picnic blankets, absolutely exhausted. The cool air feels good on Goro’s face, especially because of how worked up he got wrestling everybody.

Futaba is sitting down under the tree, legs crossed, and is working on taking out all of the sandwiches and sushi. She divides them equally among the five of them, and after another moment of laying down, the rest of them sit up and start eating.

It’s been a very good day, Goro thinks. In fact, it’s been a very good  _ couple  _ of days—so good that he’s worried that something terrible is on the horizon. The sensation itches in his stomach, leaving him feeling slightly uneasy as he bites into his food.

He should… probably try not to catastrophize.

He pushes the thoughts out of his head, deciding that thinking about this isn’t going to do him any good. It’s best to not dwell on these sorts of things, he thinks, because Goro has a horrible tendency to overthink everything half to death. He would  _ really, truly  _ like to try and stop doing that, which is why he has made the executive decision to focus on the little insect crawling near his foot.

He stares at it.

The bug stares back.

Something compels Goro, then, and he shifts a little bit so that he can lift his foot up into the air and smash the bug underneath his heel in one simple swing. He stares at the earth, wondering if he managed to successfully kill it or not.

“What are you doing, dude?” Ryuji asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, um.” Goro realizes that he is in public. “Nothing. There was a bug.”

Ann makes a face. “Ew.”

When Goro lifts his foot to see if the bug is dead or alive, he discovers something strange: there isn’t a bug there at all. Not on his foot, not on the ground, not anywhere—it seems to have totally disappeared.

Goro frowns.

He can’t help but take this as an omen. He can’t help but add this as evidence to his  _ something terrible is going to happen very soon  _ theory. He feels bothered by it, bothered by the disappearance of this bug, bothered by the idea that he might have hallucinated it or something.

He went from having a great afternoon to having a terrible one in the span of thirty seconds.

Goro rubs his face with his hands, trying to keep himself in reality, trying to keep himself from slipping away. He rubs and rubs and rubs until it starts hurting a little, and then he stops, because he knows that doing this isn’t good for his skin and so on and so forth.

He sighs and jumps back into the conversation, eager to prove to everyone as well as himself that nothing feels wrong.

* * *

Later that evening finds him and Ann sitting together on the dock outside of their little rented house. 

He was alone at first. Ren, Ryuji, Futaba and Ann were all playing some kind of board game together, and Goro had opted to not play because he had been feeling off all evening, ever since he crushed that fake bug earlier in the day. He couldn’t stop thinking about it—it was plaguing him. 

But if he were to hole himself up in the bedroom, then Ren would quickly realize something is wrong, and he doesn’t want to be a bother any more than he already has lately. Which is why he decided to excuse himself for some air— _ just for a moment,  _ he had said before he opened up the sliding door and stepped outside.

He had headed down to the dock and sat on the edge, dangling his feet above the water, toes barely touching the surface. All he needed… was a moment to clear his head. To convince himself that everything is okay, that nothing terrible is going to happen, that he isn’t going totally and utterly insane, that normalcy will find him, that he isn’t dying, that he isn’t dead, that he hasn’t imagined everything around him, that Ren is real, that he is real, that—

He covers his face with his hands and sighs. Breathe, Goro. Relax. 

He scoots forward a little bit so that his toes fully submerge themselves in the water, and it grounds him a little bit. He feels slightly more real, but it doesn’t convince him entirely. The tips of his fingers still tingle in a way that makes him feel incorporeal, as if he were fake.

This is another issue that Goro has struggled with for a while: figuring out whether or not he is real.

Because quite truthfully, his existence is an absolute mystery to himself. Maruki had said that he was dead, but now Goro very clearly is alive, so—what’s the truth? Is he actually still dead? Is he imagining the world around him? Has he been imagining all of this suffering; has Ren only appeared in his life as a way for his brain to comfort and appease him? Is anything in his life actually real?

He hates when he gets like this, because it’s so hard to think logically.

Goro isn’t sure how long he sits there like that, motionless, not a thought in his head, but after a little while he hears the sound of footsteps approaching. He moves his hands away from his face with a delicate exhale and turns around to see Ann approaching from behind.

“Hey,” she says, voice gentle. “Can I sit with you?”   
  
Goro shrugs. He doesn’t really care anymore. 

Ann sits down next to him, and her thigh bumps against Goro’s gently. It makes him feel more real, so he doesn’t move his leg—instead he simply stares out at the little lake in front of him, eyes hardened.

“I’m sorry I’m overstepping a boundary by asking this, but are you okay, Goro?” Ann asks after a long beat of silence. “You’ve been acting a little funny since this afternoon.”

Oh, great. If Ann has noticed that something is off, then Ren has most certainly noticed, too. He sighs. “I’ve just been thinking a little too hard,” he says, trying to sound dismissive.

“Hmm… um… well, do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to, obviously, but I want to offer anyway just in case.”

Goro licks his lips, unable to answer for a moment. “Maybe,” he says, thinking to himself. “You’ll think that I’m crazy, though.”

“I will try my very hardest to not think of you as crazy,” Ann reassures, patting Goro on the knee. “Promise. Cross my heart and everything.”

Goro sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “Okay,” he says. “Please don’t repeat this to anybody.”

“I’m not going to. I wouldn’t do that.”

“I suppose I just… can’t help feeling that all of this is fleeting,” he says, speaking slowly, quietly, as if there were other people around him that he doesn’t want to hear the conversation. “Like it’s all just a dream. I know that’s ironic considering everything that happened with Maruki, but I just… the doubt is still there. Does that make any sense?”

Ann nods her head a couple of times. “Mhm, that makes sense. What makes you feel that way? Can I ask?”

“It’s because things are going so well right now,” Goro says, wringing his hands together. “That tends to not happen to me. Things either go poorly or they go averagely or they go mediocrely—nothing is ever  _ good.  _ I have been living an plain, mundane life for the past few years, and now for everything to change and become something close to wonderful feels… suspicious.”

Ann blinks a couple of times, her expression turning sad. “Oh, Goro,” she whispers, and something in Goro’s stomach drops at her tone. He wonders if he’s said something wrong. 

“Hm?”

“Nothing, I just… you’re looking at this from the wrong angle is all.” She smooths out her pants unnecessarily and turns to look at him, eyes all soft. “The thing is that—you finally having goodness in your life shouldn’t be something to be suspicious or worried about. It should be something that you’re relieved to have, you know? I’m not calling you ungrateful or anything like that, because I can totally understand why you find sudden good things to be suspicious.”

Goro blinks. “Go on.”

“Right. Well—I can understand your position is what I’m trying to say. After, um, a lifetime of badness… it would only be natural to be confused or anxious about good things happening, especially if they tend to never happen to you. But instead you should look at it like… this is something you’ve been waiting for your whole life! This should be something that is well deserved. It’s something that your life has needed for a long time, and now you’re finally getting it.” She smiles. “It’s a good thing, not a bad thing.”

“Ah.” Goro stares at the lake, eyes hard. Quite truthfully, he hadn’t ever thought about it this way. He’s been stuck inside of his head for so long, glued to this thought for the worse, feeling as though it’s impossible to shake the mindset away. “But how do you know that?”

“I guess it’s because I’m an optimist,” Ann says, shrugging. “Like… I want to look at things in a positive light, you know? Because if I’m constantly looking at stuff negatively, then I’m going to be miserable forever. It’s taken me a while to get into this mindset, though, it’s not like it’s a way of thinking that came to me overnight. But I think that it’s possible for you, Goro.”

“Oh, I don’t know.” He sighs. “Maybe.”

“There’s nothing I can do to prove that none of this is fleeting,” Ann admits, clasping her hands together. “But I can tell you that I think this is a matter of perspective. You deserve some good stuff, Goro. You deserve a good, happy life. And this is just the beginning of that happy life. There will surely be more struggles along the way, because that’s just how things go, but… for now, I think you should take in the moment. Because I’m here to stay. Ren is here to stay. Futaba, Ryuji, Yusuke, Sumire, even Makoto and Haru—we’re all here to stay.”

Goro continues staring at the lake, lost for words.

“Um… yeah. That’s just something to think about, I guess. Like I said, I don’t have concrete proof that this isn’t temporary, but… yeah. The world is big, and life is long, and you’re long overdue for some goodness. You’ve just been given a late delivery is all, I suppose.”   
  
“I see,” Goro says, licking his lips. His brain is totally submerged with thoughts, submerged with the want to… enjoy this. With the desire to take this in stride like Ann said—to not be anxious about being given good things. He wants to feel that way. He doesn’t want to worry that happiness is something bad in disguise. He shouldn’t have to do that. He’s endured enough, hasn’t he? 

Goro has long received his proper punishment.

“Thank you for listening to me,” he says, tearing his eyes away from the surface of the lake. “I… appreciate it.”

“Sure thing.” Ann beams. “I’m gonna leave you to sit out here because you look like you want some time on your own, but come back inside soon, okay? Ren is all worried about you. He’s been trying to give you some space all afternoon and evening, but I can tell that he really wants to talk to you.”

Of course. Ren is so perceptive. “I will,” he says. “Thank you.”

Ann stands up, pats Goro on the shoulder one time for good measure, and then heads back inside the house, slamming the door behind herself.

Goro looks up at the sky, blinking a couple of times. He knows, realistically, that Ann is right about all of this—that it probably isn’t fleeting. That there isn’t anything wrong with being given happiness. That it’s a  _ good thing  _ that he  _ deserves.  _ But even still…

He sighs again, shaking his head. He doesn’t really want to think about this anymore—he wants a distraction. Maybe Ren will play chess with him.

Goro gives himself a couple more minutes outside before he stands up and heads inside, padding up the stairs and into the kitchen. He shuts the door to the outside behind him and takes a deep breath.

“Where’s Ren?” he asks Ryuji, who is laying down on the couch with Futaba, watching something on television.

“Bedroom,” Ryuji says, jerking his thumb in the direction of the room. Goro gives a little  _ thank you  _ and then heads to the bedroom, opening and then closing the door behind himself. 

He looks to Ren, who is laying on the bed with a towel draped across his lap. 

“Hello,” Goro says, tentative, sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

“Hey,” Ren replies, looking up from his phone and smiling. He sets his phone down on the side table and folds his hands together. “I don’t want to pry, but are you okay?”

“I’m all right.” Goro uses a voice that he hopes is full of reassurance. “I needed to clear my head outside for a while was all. Ann came out and talked to me.”

“Was she helpful?”

“Mm, I suppose. Her proclivity for positivity is a bit overwhelming, but something that I appreciated nonetheless.”

“Yeah, she’s like that. Ann is someone who’s really good at cheering people up. I used to call her whenever I had a bad dream—she would wake up and listen to me talk, even if it was at four in the morning.” Ren sighs. “Ann is irreplaceable.”

“It certainly sounds so,” Goro says. He slides his hand over Rens’, humming to himself. “You can, ah—you can call me now, if you like. If that happens again.”

“I’m going to call you early in the morning whether I have a bad dream or not,” Ren says, grinning. “Just to annoy you a little bit.”

Goro huffs. “Here I am, being so heartfelt and gentle, totally stepping outside of my personality—and you’re just concerned with annoying me.”

Ren laughs. “Aw, I’m only kidding. Well—half kidding. I’m still gonna call you, but it’s out of love!”

Goro blinks a few times; he licks his lips. “Love,” he says. 

“Love,” Ren echoes. “I do love you, you know.”

“Mm.” Goro turns on the bed to face Ren properly, and he connects both of their hands together, as if they were about to exchange wedding vows. “Sometimes my brain tries to convince me that you don’t. But I know that you do.”

“Well, good. I’ll tell you every day that I love you if I have to, though.”

Goro can feel his face turning red again—damn. He’s really good at this whole blushing thing. “That’s sweet of you.”

“Yeah, well, it’s the truth! I’m not trying to be sweet or anything, I’m just… hm… making up for lost time, I suppose.”

“Ah.” Goro gives a small smile. “Understandable. I think I’d like to do that, too.”

“Glad that we’ve come to an agreement.”

“I love you too, by the way,” Goro says, and for someone who hasn’t had many chances to say that aloud, the words feel totally natural coming out of his mouth. 

“I know,” Ren says sweetly, smiling. “Hey—wanna take another shower? I need to wash all of the lake grime out of my hair.”

Goro touches his hand to his chin delicately, like he’s pondering a news article. “Hm,” he says. “Okay.”

Ren claps his hands together. “Great! I’m gonna fool around a little bit this time, though, just so you know.”

“I figured you might,” Goro says. “Fine with me.”

They laugh mildly, and then Ren tosses the towel in his lap on top of his head and stands up. “Let’s get going, then.”

Goro stands up too and follows him into the bathroom, snatching the towel off his head and dropping it on top of his own head instead. 

He wonders what tomorrow will have in store for him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: kushiro national park isn't actually laid out in the way that I described it, but I had to take some creative liberties. LOL


	14. limestone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re not an idiot,” Ren says, and his voice has gone all soft and quiet now. He reaches up a hand to pat Goro on the head, to run his fingers through his hair. “I’m the idiot on our relationship.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for mention of a past suicide attempt & suicidal ideation. it isn't all negative though, i super-promise.

It’s their second day in Kushiro, and Goro wakes up in the morning with a mild headache.

It’s nothing unusual. Goro has had his fair share of headaches in his lifetime, so getting one nowadays is like nothing. But there’s a certain uncomfortable familiarity to it—headaches give Goro the same mental unease as sleep deprivation does.

The problem with headaches isn’t necessarily the pain itself, but rather the sensation of having a headache in the first place. When he was a teenager, Goro went about his day with a constant headache—morning to night, there was always a sweet, dull ache directed right where his frontal lobe was. Sometimes the pain would be something more sharp, more centered; that would only happen during periods of particularly high stress, though.

Getting a headache now reminds him of that time. It reminds him of when his life was at its lowest, when he was at his most lonely, when he wanted to live the least. He was a culmination of uncomfortable sensations and the sensations were constant, relentless, unyielding. Goro doesn’t think he would return back to that period of his life for all the money in the world.

The thing about Goro is that he’s always passively wanted his life to end. He has always had little care as to whether he was alive or dead; he has never found his life to be anything of paramount importance, so he never took much care in keeping himself alive. He simply lived because he had to, because there was something that he had to do—he had to humiliate Shido. Before he died, he had to humiliate Shido.

That was all he had to do.

And that’s why he didn’t particularly care if he died back when he worked with the Thieves to eradicate Maruki’s reality. It didn’t matter to him. His life was a trivial thing, his death was a trivial thing—it was all the same. It was all the same agony. All the same pain.

Ren thought otherwise, but Goro couldn’t see eye to eye with him on that front.

Goro was suicidal not in the sense that he actively wanted to die, but rather that he didn’t care about being alive. He didn’t care about himself or his life, because he didn’t want to keep trying to force himself to exist in a world that seemed to have a personal vendetta against him. It would be better to be dead, to be able to relax, to be able to get away from everything.

He never felt important anyway, so it didn’t matter.

Ren made him feel important.

Ren is the first person to convince Goro that his life might have a little bit of significance. He doesn’t know what to do with this feeling—as hard as he tries to accept it, there’s a little part of his brain that doesn’t want to believe that he could ever be special. It’s something that he’s always wanted—something that he’s wanted for  _ so  _ long that it has begun to feel unobtainable.

He feels sad. 

And nowadays, it isn’t that Goro is necessarily suicidal. There are moments where he wishes to die, sure, but for the most part he feels an indifference towards his life; the indifference is much less reckless than it was when he was a teenager, but the feeling is still there. It’s more like he doesn’t think about it—doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t know how to think about it.

He sighs audibly, rolling onto his side in bed. He always does this—wakes up and immediately thinks about shit like this and puts himself in a sour mood. He’s got to stop acting like this, honestly; it’s his own fault that he’s miserable, and that’s the frustrating part. Goro doesn’t have anybody to blame but himself.

He flutters his eyes open and looks at Ren, who is sleeping soundly across from him.

Goro thinks that he could stare at Ren forever. He doesn’t do it when Ren is awake or when they’re in public because he feels a little weird doing it in those settings, but—right now, he can’t keep his eyes off of him. Ren is such a peaceful sleeper, laying there with his hands tucked under his cheek, showing off his beautifully long eyelashes, his gentle jawbone and sweet nose. He’s the picture of serenity, sleeping like this, and looking at him puts Goro at ease.

Goro, unfortunately, is not a peaceful sleeper. Ren has been a pretty good sport with the way that Goro tends to flail around and kick and writhe in his sleep; he’s surprised that Ren hasn’t cracked any jokes about it yet. Maybe he knows how self-conscious Goro is of it. 

He stares at Ren for a little while, and then, when he starts feeling a little sleepy, shuts his eyes and wiggles closer towards the other man. He drifts in and out of sleep for the next few hours, waking up every now and then to sneak another glance at Ren. Normally he doesn’t like when his sleep is this disturbed, but this time around, he finds that he doesn’t particularly care too much.

When he next opens up his eyes, Ren is awake.

“Morning,” Goro says, voice slightly mumbly because his mouth is pressed against his hands. 

“Hey.” Ren sits up on his elbows, smiling down at Goro. “Sleep good?”

“Averagely, I’d say. You?”

“I slept pretty well, honestly. Had a funny dream, though. I transformed into a fish and I was stuck in a puddle, but the puddle kept expanding so I was just exploring the whole time.”

Goro hums, amused. “That  _ is  _ funny. I’m very glad that you didn’t wake up as a fish, though.”

“Yeah, me too. I wouldn’t want to be a fish. Kissing would be gross, you know?” Ren shifts onto his side. “Speaking of—come here. I want to put my hands on you.”   
  
Goro thoroughly appreciates Ren’s honesty and immediately pushes himself closer. His hands slot themselves on Ren’s body, and Ren’s hands do the same to Goro’s, and then their mouths find one another and all of the shit that Goro was upset about earlier melts away.

They make out for a while until Goro feels himself getting far too worked up. He pulls away, eyes blinking wildly, a thin line of sweat covering the surface of his forehead. He sits up, pushes the hair out of his face, and sighs heavily, leaning back on one of his hands. 

Ren wipes his mouth with his hand and pulls his legs up close to his body, hugging them with his arms. “I’m hungry,” he says. “I need something to eat.”

“Let’s talk to everybody else and see what’s going on,” Goro replies leisurely. “It’s already noon; time is passing by too quickly.”

“Nothing wrong with laying around until noon,” Ren says, hauling himself up and off of the bed. “At least, not in my experience.”

Goro nods in acquiescence, and then he too stands up. The two of them quickly change, and Ren compliments Goro when he takes his shirt off, and Goro smacks Ren with his shirt in retaliation, glancing away after he does so, feeling like quite the blushing maiden, unfortunately.

The two of them head out and find that Futaba, Ryuji, and Ann are already sitting around the little kotatsu.

“I’m hungry,” Ren says immediately, standing a short distance away from Futaba with his hands on his hips. “Can we get something to eat?”   
  
“We were planning on doing that. We were just waiting for your slow asses to hurry up and come out here,” Ryuji grumbles, face all frowny.

“Whoops! Sorry.” Ren grins sheepishly. “Well, we’re out here now, so let’s get moving.”

The five of them pick out a place to eat and then they place an order for delivery. The whole thing takes less than 10 minutes because apparently they’re all pretty hungry; by the time they’ve finished, Goro and Ren have migrated onto the side couch. Ren leans into Goro heavily, and Goro sits there, still as a statue, evidently embarrassed.

“What are we doing today?” Goro asks, glancing over at Ann, who is looking at him with a massive smile.

“Hiking!” Futaba exclaims, raising a pointed finger into the air. “We’re going back to the national park to do it. Looks like it’s going to be a really nice day, too—no rain, good temperature, a little breeze, the likes.”

“Didn’t know that you were a meteorologist,” Ren says, raising an eyebrow.

“Very funny. In actuality I just possess a very cool skill called ‘remembering what I read on the weather website,’ which might be something that you haven’t mastered just yet.”

Goro snickers to himself, unable to help it. Ren elbows him in the side with a  _ hey!  _ and Futaba bursts into a fit of laughter.

They sit around for a little while until their food arrives, which doesn’t take too long. By the time that they’ve already eaten and cleaned everything up, another hour of time has ticked away, and for some reason, it’s stressing Goro out very much.

He doesn’t say anything, though, not wanting to come across as too neurotic, which he most certainly is and doesn’t know how to control. But it’s fine—it’s fine. Being neurotic has its perks, he likes to tell himself.

They change into some lighter clothes and pack a drawstring bag full of stuff: namely sunscreen, water bottles, small snacks, and Ren’s camera, which is apparently a thing that he owns. He tells Goro that he likes to take photographs of things but that he tends to forget that he owns a camera, which is an interesting dilemma.

After a little more sitting around, the five of them finally come together once again and pile themselves into the car. The sun is high in the sky, there’s a breeze in the air, and Goro is tingling with anticipation for some reason.

Ryuji pulls their car onto the street and they head out on their way.

* * *

Like last time, they find a place to park, and then hop out of the car. This time, though, they don’t head in the direction of the lake, but rather head in the direction of the trails instead. 

Futaba was right—it is a pretty nice day today. The sun continues to shine overhead, and it isn’t ridiculously hot, either, which means that Goro isn’t going to sweat his soul out of his body like he used to when he went on runs with Ren. And that’s pretty fortunate, too, because he doesn’t particularly want to make a show of being a sweaty mess in front of Ann or Futaba or Ryuji.

The hike starts off pretty light. The beginning of the trail that they’ve taken is a relatively flat path, with very little obstacles in the way, which is nice. The five of them talk amongst themselves, and Ren holds Goro’s hand as they walk and swings their arms up and down in a very jovial manner. There isn’t much sound around them save for the sound of their shoes smacking the dirt and the birds around them and the gentle titter of their conversation.

It’s nice, Goro thinks. He was a little unsure about being so far away from the city—he was worried about how quiet it is; a large part of Goro’s regimen to keep himself sane is to constantly distract himself from his thoughts by using the world around him—but this is… a pleasant surprise. He feels at ease out here, in what feels like the middle of nowhere (even though it isn’t). 

Well—he feels as much at ease as is possible, anyway. Even when he’s feeling pretty relaxed, Goro’s shoulders are still stiff, his hands are still tense, his jaw is still hard, and so on and so forth. Relaxing has an entirely different meaning for him than it does for other people, he thinks, purely because he’s never been adept at relaxing in the first place. He’s just too full of stress.

Whatever. He’s going to try and relax as much as is possible for him on this walk, because he really doesn’t want to get stuck inside his head today. He wants a little, serene little break from that—because he deserves it honestly, he thinks.

What Goro wants the most more than anything in the world is the rest of his confidence back.

Being around other people made him confident. Being around other people made him sure of himself; it made him certain about his actions and his behavior and his dialogue and so on and so forth. But ever since he started isolating himself from everybody approximately five years ago—some of that confidence diminished. Mind you, he’s still confident about certain things, but it just isn’t at the level that it was at before, and that is what is so upsetting to him.

He misses when he would brim with pride. He doesn’t care how much of an asshole it made him when he acted like that, because the truth of the matter is that acting that way made him feel better. It made him feel purposeful. Now he’s empty, more or less a husk that wants to desperately be filled. And he is being filled in one way or another; he’s been spending more time with people than he has in a long time, but the feelings aren’t the same.

Goro hates to admit it, but he has become… awkward.

Well—okay, he’s always been a little bit awkward. But recently he’s only become more awkward, he thinks, to a point that’s almost annoying and frustrating. He doesn’t really know what to do about it, quite truthfully; try as hard as he does, he can’t seem to de-awkwardify himself.

It’s annoying!

“You guys doing okay back there?” Ann asks from up ahead, and Goro blinks himself out of his thought train. Whoops—he really zoned out there. He has no idea where he is right now because he’s been thinking so hard about everything. It seems like their group has spread out a little bit, with Futaba and Ann up at the front and Ryuji, Goro and Ren trailing far behind them.

“All good,” Ryuji says, flashing her a thumbs up. Ann shrugs her shoulders and turns back around, continuing her conversation with Futaba.

Goro, very determined to show that he’s fine and that he was not, in fact, overthinking himself half to death, thinks up his own topic of conversation. “I missed hiking,” he says as he steps on a big leaf.

“Oh yeah? Didja used to like to hike a lot or somethin’?” Ryuji asks.

“Mmmm. Well—I liked going on walks and runs and things like that, and it was always more enjoyable when it was out in nature, as chiche as that sounds.”

“Nah, I don’t think it’s cliche. I don’t blame you. Exercising in the gym or on the street is all fun and convenient and stuff, but nothing really beats running alongside trees and bushes and shit. It’s like a whole different experience.”

“I agree,” Goro says, and he’s a little surprised that Ryuji is talking to him like this. He supposes that it’s somewhat fair, though, considering the way that they made up when the two of them were very drunk. He doesn’t particularly want to go back and relive that conversation, as cathartic as it was, though. “Though it’s hard to find time to get out and away from the city like this.”

“Yeah, I get it. Even if it’s just like, goin’ to the park or whatever—it’s still hard. Takes a lot of time and effort, and both of those are things that I don’t always have.” Ryuji shrugs. “At least I can make time when I have it, though.”

“Right, exactly. If I’m diligent enough then this trip will inspire me to go out more.”

“Invite me along sometimes,” Ryuji suggests, and Goro can feel the pleural lining on his lungs shift and stiffen. “I’ll take you fishin’ in return or something, if you ever want to experience that. It isn’t for everyone, though, so I don’t blame you if you wouldn’t wanna come along.”

“I’m not sure I can picture Goro fishing,” Ren says, and he swings their arms again.

“I’ll admit that I don’t give a damn about fishing,” Goro replies, sighing. “Let me think about it. I think that I would just make it a miserable trip rather than anything else if I came along, quite truthfully.”

“No worries. It’s all, er, just… tentative.” Ryuji laughs awkwardly. “Lemme know if you’re ever interested. Do you have my phone number?”

Goro wants to say  _ no, I don’t, and I will probably never message you about the fishing trip either, so sorry about that,  _ but he doesn’t, because instead Ren speaks for him. “I’ll give it to him later tonight.”

Ryuji grins. “Thanks, man.”

Their conversation slowly lapses into silence as the three of them continue their hike. The path eventually gets to be steeper, so there isn’t much room for discussion outside of their labored breathing. But after a while—a good few hours, Goro would say—the five of them find a good spot to stop and take a much-needed break.

The path ends at a certain point, and just past that point is a little cluster of trees overlooking a deep valley. They sit on a cluster of rocks that are collected underneath the trees and stare out at the horizon, quietly eating their snacks and drinking from the multitude of water bottles that have been brought along. Goro is sweating mildly from all the uphill walking that he had been doing, but he doesn’t really mind, because he feels pretty good.

“Let’s take a picture together!” Ann suggests once they’ve had a thorough break period. She holds up her phone, smiling.

“I brought my camera along, so we can use that,” Ren says. “It has an automatic timer and everything.” 

“Oh, perfect!” Her grin gets even wider, as if that were possible. “Let’s set it up on a rock somewhere or something.”

They do, in fact, place the camera on top of a rock. They set it up on top of a stack of three rocks, actually, with the lens pointed out at the valley. The five of them stand in between the sets of trees on either side of themselves and cozy up to one another. Goro is smushed in between Ryuji and Ren—well, he  _ will  _ be smushed in between Ryuji and Ren, but right now Ren is fiddling with the camera—and everyone is still a teeny bit sweaty, but it’s fine.

Overhead, the sun slowly starts its journey down toward the horizon. It has a ways to go, but begins its descent nevertheless, determined to make it.

“Okay!” Ren shouts. “I’m pressing the button thing!”

He fiddles with the camera one last time, and then dashes back to his spot next to Goro. The five of them stand there silently, smiling like cheeseheads at the camera, until a clicking noise reverberates into the air. It clicks once, twice, three times, and then the camera stops making noises and Ren runs back to it.

He brings the camera over to the other four of them and opens up the pictures that he’s just taken. “We look kind of tired,” he says, going back and forth between the three pictures, “but I think that they came out nice.”

Goro stares at the pictures. He feels… strange, looking at them, and for a variety of reasons. He can hardly recognize himself in the picture because of how wide he’s smiling—when was the last time that he smiled like that in earnest, he wonders? How long has it been? He can’t recall a time he’s had a facial expression like that before. Also, it’s sort of weird seeing himself in a picture—he doesn’t ever really get pictures taken of himself unless it’s at the museum, and most of those are candid.

He bites his lip, unsure of what to think. Ren is right, they do look pretty good from a photography perspective—the light is angled just the right way, the five of them are smiling brightly and none of them have strange expressions on their faces, the shadows aren’t in the way, and the sun isn’t a nuisance in the background, either. All-in-all, it’s a good photo.

The longer that Goro stares at himself, though, the more separate he begins to feel from his body, so he stops looking altogether before his brain starts freaking out. “It looks good,” he says to Ren.

“Thanks! I didn’t do anything besides press a button, but y’know. I tried my very hardest. I can send it to everyone when we get back to Tokyo, since I didn’t bring my laptop with me and can’t upload it.”

There’s a chorus of agreement and nods and so on, and then the conversation dissolves away from camera. They all begin to pack their trash and water bottles and things away, readjusting shoes and shirts and pants all the while. It doesn’t take them long to prepare themselves to head back to the parking lot of the park—they have a few hours worth of walking ahead of them, but that’s all right, because it’s barely the late afternoon and there is plenty of time left before it gets dark.

This has been a nice hike, Goro thinks. It’s definitely something that he doesn’t normally do on his own time for a variety of excuses, but now that he’s done it, he wouldn’t mind doing it again. At least—he doesn’t think he would mind doing it again. 

This whole ‘intimacy’ thing is still a relatively new concept to Goro, as embarrassed and angry as he is to admit it. He hopes that with time he will continue to become more used to it—Ren’s constant ministrations are definitely helpful—and he also hopes that one day he will accept that he is deserving of it, too. One day. Because there’s no point in wallowing in misery for the rest of his life, is there? That would be a waste.

And god knows that Goro has already wasted away so much of his life already.

But, well. He doesn’t really want to think about this anymore, and the five of them are getting ready to walk back, so he shuts off that portion of his brain and walks.

* * *

When they finally get back to their rented house again, Goro feels absolutely exhausted.

His legs are the consistency of lead. His brain is the consistency of putty. His forehead feels disgusting from how much he’s been sweating, and there isn’t anything that he wants more than a nice, warm shower after he sits down for a couple of minutes and regains the feeling back in his legs.

They all bring their stuff back inside and dump the belongings on the couch in the small living room area before immediately heading off to their respective bedrooms, with Ryuji joining Ann and Futaba. When Goro and Ren enter their bedroom again, the two of them flop back onto it with a heaving sigh, spreading their arms out above their heads in unison.

Goro turns to Ren and looks at him, tired eyes and everything.

“I feel disgusting,” Goro says, huffing. “Like I’ve been drenched in sweat.”

“Yeah, me too. I want to shower, but I need a minute to like… lay down first.” Ren closes his eyes and scrubs a hand across his face, stopping to rub his temples for a little while. “The tiredness was worth it though, I think.”

“Mm. I agree. I had a nice time today.”

“I could tell that you were in a pretty good mood this time because you were so talkative. It made me happy.” 

“Seems that you already have a pretty good sense of intuition when it comes to my moods,” Goro says, smirking.

“I guess that I do,” Ren says with a little smile. “Maybe, anyway. Who knows.”

“I think that you do,” Goro says, holding his hands out in front of himself in a stretch. “Compared to most other people, anyway.”

“Oh yeah? Who’s my competition?”

“Nobody else, quite truthfully. You’re the only person I’ve ever let get this close to me.” Goro bites his lip, unsure whether or not he should have said that. Too late to take it back now, he supposes. “Ann is getting there, though. In a way.”

“I’m glad that you guys are friends,” Ren says. “She’s always been really enthusiastic about getting closer to you, you know.”

“I can tell. She tends to move her hands around quite a bit when she talks to me, which I like to take as an indication of interest.”

“Definitely an indication of interest.” Ren sits up, pushing his hair back and away from his forehead. “Not that I don’t like talking about Ann, but do you want to shower? I feel like any second now my skin is going to slough off from how much sweat and sunscreen is on it.”

“Hm, okay.” Goro, too, sits up, pulling his hair out of its ponytail and letting it fall across his shoulders. One of these days he’s really going to need to give himself a haircut, because the length is getting a little ridiculous. “Sure.”

“I get to wash your hair again,” Ren hums. “I love your hair, by the way. In case you haven’t noticed.”

“Is that so? I couldn’t tell.” Goro grins, and then he pushes himself off of the bed. “Let’s get a move on.”

The two of them hobble into the bathroom, legs and hips still sore from all the walking that they did today. Ren sets up the shower and bath while Goro gathers up their shampoos and soaps and towels and things. He sets them along the edge of the bath, and hangs the towels up by the door, and then he strips his clothes off and folds them up in an unnecessarily neat pile, because they’re just going to go into the laundry anyway.

Ren strips, too, and instead of folding up his clothes nicely he balls them into one big lumpy mass and tosses them onto the floor.

“They’re going to get wet,” Goro says.

“Don’t care,” Ren says, and then he steps under the shower head. “Now come here.”

Goro does as he is told and steps on over to Ren. The shower water feels good on his skin; he can feel the sweat that has built up on himself drip away down into the drain. Ren washes his hair for him, and Goro washes Ren’s hair in return, and it feels nice to do something so intimate like this, even if Goro’s hands shake a little bit in the process because of how deeply personal it feels. 

They rinse the soap out of their hair and then Ren fumbles around for the soap—it seems to just pop into his hands out of thin air—and squeezes a pretty generous amount onto a loofa. They wash each other’s arms and stomachs and backs for a little while, and then Ren gets handsy, and then Goro gets handsy, too, and pretty soon they aren’t washing each other anymore but that’s all fine and okay. The steam clouds Goro’s thoughts, and Ren’s hands on him feel good, and pretty soon he forgets that they’re in the shower in the first place.

Once everything is all said and done, they shut the shower off and sink into the bath on the side, pulling their legs up closer to their bodies as to allow for as much space as possible. They relax together, sitting in silence with their eyes closed and heads resting against the edge of the tub. Goro thinks that he could fall asleep like this; his limbs are already soft and pliable and smushy from a few moments ago anyway, and plus— 

His train of thought is interrupted by Ren splashing some water on him.

He jolts awake, and then splashes some water back at him. Before long they’re splashing water at one another mercilessly, as if they were twelve year olds at a public pool fighting one another. They splash and splash and splash until they get tired of it and Ren pulls him in for a warm kiss. It feels very romantic and luxurious and wonderful and Goro cannot believe that this is the life he is living.

He really, really can’t believe it.

Eventually the water starts to get cold and Goro’s hands become ridiculously pruny, so they climb out of the bath and dry themselves off. They pitter patter around for a short while, cleaning everything up, and then they head back into the bedroom and change into tshirts and sweatpants and flop on the bed again.

They sigh at the same time.

“I feel much better,” Ren admits, extending a hand to reach for Goro’s palm. He connects their fingers together, holding his hand still. “Do you want to sit on the dock and drink something?”

Goro debates this for a moment. “Okay,” he says, and then Ren stands right back up and pulls Goro to his feet.

They quietly meander into the kitchen, taking care not to disturb Ryuji, who appears to be snoozing on the couch already. Ren pulls out a four pack of beer from the refrigerator and the two of them head to the back door, opening it up and stepping outside.

Goro shuts the door behind himself and steps down to the dock with Ren, enjoying the relative silence between the two of them, save for the sound of their barefoot against wood and some crickets in the background. They sit down on the edge of the dock—just like Goro had last night—and let their toes touch the water.

Ren offers Goro a beer, and he accepts it graciously. Their fingers touch when Ren passes over the can, and it feels as though a bolt of lightning has shocked Goro.  _ How juvenile,  _ he thinks.  _ How cliche. _

Goro cracks the can open—a little spritz of liquid flies up and hits his cheek—and makes a vague grunting sound. Ren swipes the beer off of his face and licks his finger, swinging his legs jovially all the while.

“Did you have a nice week?” he asks, leaning back on one hand to look up at the night sky.

“I did,” Goro admits, and he finds himself feeling surprised with his honesty. “It was a little bit rough in the beginning, but my experience definitely improved as the week went on.”

“That’s good.” Ren nods. “Truthfully, I was a little worried that you’ve been hating every second of it and that you’ve just been, like, doing a really good job of pretending that everything is fine.”

“Even I’m not good enough at acting to pull that off,” Goro says, chuckling slightly. He takes a big swig from his beer and sighs, making a face at the taste. “This tastes… different.”

“Doesn’t it? I didn’t buy it; this is the kind of shit that Ryuji likes to drink. I like fruity beers because I’m a baby, but he likes all the experimental weird kinds of stuff.” A shrug. “To each their own, I guess.”

“Mmm.” 

Silence.

Goro licks his lips, unsure whether or not he wants to admit what’s on his mind. He can trust Ren, of course he can, but—what if what he’s thinking makes Ren nervous? What if it makes him worry too much? 

Goro is starting to feel sicker and sicker of having these ridiculous semi-moral dilemmas with himself. He takes another drink and decides to bite the bullet, because sitting around and sullying his brain with all this catastrophizing isn’t doing him nor Ren any favors. “Can I say something?”

Ren nods. “You can.”

“I haven’t felt this good in… forever. Maybe ever. I think that this is the first time in my life I’ve ever experienced something like this before—I haven’t ever even left Tokyo—so it’s been… new. But I like the newness. It’s been refreshing, in a sense, to be able to spend time with you and Ann and Sakamoto-kun and Sakura-san like this, because I’ve never done anything like it before.”

He takes another drink.

“I’m worried that I’ll never feel anything like this ever again,” he whispers. “I’m worried that this is the only happiness I will ever have. That when I go back to Tokyo I will return to feeling like everything is pointless. That being happy to be alive will only ever be a temporary experience for myself.”

More silence. Crickets continue to chirp in the background. Quantum waves shorten themselves.

“Goro,” Ren says, and his voice is dangerously soft and sad. “Can I tell you something really personal?”

Something in Goro’s throat squeezes shut, like he knows what Ren is about to say. Like he knows that it will hurt. “Okay.”

“Well…” Ren sucks in a deep breath. “Um. Four years ago… pretty much just after I started college, I tried to kill myself.”

Goro speaks without realizing it. “Ren,” he breathes.

“It was a long time ago, and things are very different now, but I just…” He sighs, shaking his head slightly. “Back then, I had reached my limit. I… it felt like the bad was only piling up more and more, and like the good was too far out of my reach for me to ever… get it back, you know? Like no matter what I did, it was totally pointless, because the terrible memories and experiences were living on too strongly in my head. Er, that sounds a little dumb, but—”

“It’s not dumb,” Goro assures, and his hands and trembling.

“Thank you. But, um, anyway—yeah. That happened. And when I woke up, like—in the hospital—I remember feeling nothing but dread. Like I had made the worst mistake of my life, like I was an idiot for failing, all of those things.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Yeah. It’s… it wasn’t good. Things were bad for me for… a really long time. I tried so hard to pretend that they weren’t by keeping everything inside and shouldering it all on my own, but… look where that got me.” He sighs again. “Anyway… what I wanted to say was that back then, I felt the same exact way. I felt like… the little moments of happiness that I experienced couldn’t be anything more than fleeting. Like I was just having some brief moments of luck, and that everything else was doomed to be bad.”

He stares at the front of his beer can. 

“I’ve been struggling with this one particular question for a long time,” he continues. “And that is: Am I happy? Am I happy right now? Am I happy with my life, and with myself?” 

Goro worries his lip. “Are you?”

Ren shakes his head slowly. “No, I’m not. I mean—don’t get me wrong, I’m doing a lot better than I was before, obviously. And it’s not like I’m totally miserable or anything like that, it’s more like I’m just… neutral. Average. Everything is fine, but it isn’t as good as it could be, or as good as it should be. Do you know what I mean?”   
  
Goro nods.

“I like to think that one day I’ll be really, truly happy,” Ren says. “One day. Even if that day is in thirty years from now. I have to hope that it’s going to come, because if I don’t, then I have nothing. Or, well—maybe that’s a little bit dramatic. But…”

“No, I understand what you’re saying. I…” Goro swallows. “I feel similarly. About not being happy, I mean. For me most days are more empty than anything else, rather than being neutral or whatever. I think that emptiness is different than being neutral. But I…”

He stops, running his finger along the side of his beer can. His mouth is shaking; if he keeps talking, he’s going to start crying, so he has to give himself a break. 

Ren lets him stay silent for a long moment.

Goro takes a deep breath and continues after a minute or two. “But now that I’ve been spending time with other people, I feel… a lot less empty. I feel like I have a more cohesive reason for being here other than the obvious  _ I have a job and rent and so on  _ reasoning. Maybe that’s a rather dismal reason to continue staying alive, but… it’s kept me going for a very long time, so clearly it isn’t ineffective.”

“Anything goes,” Ren says.

“Right, anything goes. Um—hm. I’ll say this bluntly: being around you has totally changed my way of thinking. Because now I want to find happiness. And I think that perhaps it might be possible to attain one day. I suppose I’m just… I’ve just been really put off by the thought of having to keep experiencing more terrible nonsense.”

“That’s understandable.” A nod. “I know what you mean. But—it’s not all going to be nonsense, you know? That’s what you have to remind yourself. Because there’s definitely going to be some nonsense, but it’s not going to be everything. There will always be a mix of good and bad.”

“I certainly hope that you’re right,” Goro replies, humming to himself. “I have a terrible tendency to imagine everything as being worse than it actually is, and it makes me much more miserable than I should be.”

“I’ve noticed. No offense, of course, but—yeah. I don’t blame you, though. Especially if you’ve been fending for yourself this whole time. There hasn’t been anybody to tell you otherwise, and that sucks and isn’t fair.”

“My mental growth has been rather stagnant the past few years, but I’m hoping that soon it will start to get better. My brain is telling me that this is wishful thinking and that I’m a hopeless case, but I’m making an attempt to ignore thinking that way.”

“Well, good. You shouldn’t have to listen to, er, that kind of stuff, even if it’s from the inside of your own brain.”   
  
Goro laughs mildly, taking another drink of his beer with a slow sigh. “Thank you for telling me what you told me.”   
  
“Oh, um.” Ren rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah… no problem. I haven’t talked about it in, like… years, so it was kind of weird to be saying it aloud. And I’ve wanted to tell you about it for a while, because I feel like it’s something important about me that has really… impacted who I am today. But I couldn’t figure out a way to bring it up that wasn’t awkward.”

“I appreciate the honesty. I do, truly. I can’t imagine that it’s an easy thing to think about. I can hardly talk about my own issues aloud, so. I’m honestly in awe.”

“Ahaha… it’s nothing to be in awe about. But! I won’t stop you from thinking that I’m impressive, because it’s good for my ego.” Ren nudges Goro in the side. “This is me trying to make the conversation a little bit lighter.”

“You’re doing a pretty good job of it,” Goro says, setting his now-empty beer can down on the dock and reaching for a second one. He cracks it open, holding the top away from his face this time so that he isn’t accidentally sprayed. “Better than I ever could, anyway. I tend to pile the angst on in conversations.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” Ren laughs. “Seriously, though… I think you’ve come a long way. I hope me saying this doesn’t sound like I’m trying to baby you, I’m being serious. I just… when we first reunited at the grocery store, you looked so… um… pained. Your face was all tense and stuff. And even though it hasn’t been that long since then, I think you look a lot better. More relaxed.”

“I’m not sure if I feel more relaxed, but at least I look better.”

Ren pats him on the shoulder. “Sorry if that was offensive.”

“You know, Ren, I have thicker skin than you give me credit for,” Goro scoffs. “Promise.”

“Yeah, okay. I know. I’m just messing around with you.” A pause. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“How… long have you had feelings for me?” Ren tilts his head like a puppy. “I’m curious.”

Goro looks away from Ren, suddenly overcome with feelings of embarrassment. He crosses his legs and tightens the grip around his beer can, unsure whether or not he wants to give an honest answer or not. It’s not like Ren is going to make fun of his answer, though; Goro knows this, and yet he still feels a bit humiliated. “Oh, a few years or so. Do you remember the time we went to the aquarium, back during high school? It was about during then.”

Ren’s eyes widen. “Whoa, no kidding.”

“Yes, it’s very ridiculous, I know.”

“No, it’s not ridiculous! I don’t know why I’m surprised because it’s the same for me. I was a lot less obvious about it than you were, though.” He smiles, teeth and everything.

“Ah.” Goro stops looking at the water and turns his attention back to Ren. He can still feel the warmth on his cheeks, the warmth in his fingertips, the warmth in his stomach. “That’s… really nice to hear, quite truthfully. I was under the impression that nobody had liked me. Of course, back then I didn’t really care because I was so certain that I was a dead man, but—when I looked back on myself, I felt like a bit of an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot,” Ren says, and his voice has gone all soft and quiet now. He reaches up a hand to pat Goro on the head, to run his fingers through his hair. “I’m the idiot on our relationship.”

Goro laughs some more. “If that’s the position you’d like to have, then I’ll give it to you.”

“Thanks.” Ren smiles. “My Goro.”

Those two words are all it takes for Goro’s face to heat back up to a wonderful red color. He makes a series of nonsensical mumbly sounds before coming to his senses. “Ren,” he mumbles, “my Ren.”

And then: the conversation slowly floats into silence. It’s a comfortable silence; the same silence that was present when the two of them would sit together at the jazz club. It is inviting and it is expansive and it is easy. The ease and the silence bloom and bloom and bloom inside of Goro’s chest, growing infinitely, wrapping around his ribcage, blanketing his lungs and heart.

For the time being, there are only a few things in the world: Goro, Ren, the dock, the crickets, their four beers, the lake, and the moon and the sky and the stars. It is only these things—these things and the trillions of bouncing particles in the air. These things and the love that is growing exponentially inside of Goro. These things and the quiet, settling peace of mind that he feels.

And these are the only things that he needs for now. 


	15. resurface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re making me feel very high and mighty,” Goro admits. “More than usual, anyway. This isn’t good for my ego.”
> 
> “Your ego has always been big, Goro. It’s one of your most charming features, in my opinion.”

EPILOGUE

Today is Akechi Goro’s twenty fifth birthday.

He feels good today. At least—so far, he feels good today. He woke up late because he didn't have work, so that was nice. By the time that he managed to crawl out of bed, the sun had already made its way high into the sky. He looked up at it through the slots in his shades hanging across the windows and held a hand up to his face to block some of the bright sunlight.

After he had thrown on a pair of pants, he meandered out of the bedroom to try and find Ren. It isn’t very often that Goro wakes up before Ren—some things don’t ever really change—but when he walked into the kitchen, he discovered the man making what could only be breakfast. It smelled good. He immediately sat down at the table, and Ren came over and kissed him on the forehead, and it was all very domestic and lovey and sweet.

They haven’t been living together for long. In fact, it’s only been about two months—but since then, things have been going very well. Since day one things had been going well, actually; they haven’t come across any problems yet save for Goro nearly setting the stove on fire a few times in his failure of a quest to learn how to cook. 

Other than that, though, everything has been very good. They’ve settled into a nice, quiet sort of routine; no matter who is working when, they always end up coming together at the end of the day to rest and relax with one another. Whether that be by watching a movie or watching a movie and barely paying attention to it or reading or whatever, there’s always comfortable time together to be shared.

It’s a lot nicer than living alone in an apartment, Goro thinks. He was actually quite worried that once he and Ren moved in together, they’d start getting sick of each other's company, but that hasn’t been seeming to happen. Ren and Goro have living habits that are surprisingly very similar in nature, so there hasn’t been any reason for them to clash on things. Goro is very grateful for that, because he really doesn’t know what he would do with himself if they started arguing with one another.

And besides—it’s not like they hadn’t been previously spending nearly every night with each other anyway. They took turns: Goro would sleep at Yusuke and Ren’s apartment, and then Ren would sleep at Goro’s apartment. It was like that for a while—for a pretty good five months, at least. 

It was only when Yusuke had said  _ are you two going to move in together soon?  _ that things ended up changing.

The truth of the matter is that they hadn’t really thought about doing that all too much. It was a sort of concept that never occurred to Goro because he and Ren had fallen into such a consistent habit of spending time with one another. It ended up just feeling the most natural thing to do, he supposes. 

But when Yusuke asked that question, it was like something had changed in Goro. He and Ren both brushed off Yusuke’s suggestion rather quickly, but later that night, after Ren had come back into his room from showering, Goro asked him if he wanted to seriously consider moving in one day.

Ren had blinked once, twice, and then said yes, and that was about as difficult as the conversation got.

It’s not like the process of moving Ren in was smooth sailing, of course. There were a lot of items to pack and a lot of details to work out. Ryuji ended up moving in with Yusuke so that there wasn’t any need for Yusuke to go look for new apartments, so that was convenient. And Ann and Sumire and Futaba all helped Ren move his things into Goro’s apartment. It was a rather sweaty, dusty affair, but they got it done eventually. 

And so far, Goro would say that it has been worth it.

Slowly, slowly, his apartment has come to life. His apartment had always been a rather dead thing, with a grey, sullen atmosphere and empty feeling behind it. Goro has never had the heart to put up any kinds of decorations—not even a single poster—because he’s always felt that it would be a rather pointless affair, but once Ren moved in, that totally changed. The walls became lined with photos and posters and art. The fridge filled itself up with sticky notes. And soon enough, Goro even got the courage to buy another  _ plant. _

And the plant is doing well so far, thank you very much.

Goro is beyond grateful for the opportunity that he has been given. For the opportunity to spend part of his life with Ren in this deeply intimate and domestic way. He is grateful that he gets to come home to him, that he gets to come home to warmth and love and all of the things he has always wanted but never felt he would have in life. And he is grateful to return that love and warmth to somebody who deserves it more than anybody else in the entire world. Ren has had enough terrible experiences. He deserves to be happy.

He deserves to smile. To be glad that he is alive. And Goro, too, understands that he himself deserves these things as well. It’s taken him a long time to wrap his head around this fact, and there are still moments where he believes it to be untrue, but for the most part, his line of thinking has changed.

He feels… like a part of him has been freed.

Of course, it isn’t all sunshine, because that would be completely unrealistic. Goro still has his moments of agony, his periods of time where he feels utterly devoid of life. They come and go, sometimes lasting a few hours, sometimes lasting a week. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, no discernable pattern—it is simply an uncontrollable up and down cycle. 

But he’s getting better at handling it, and that’s what is important. Less are the days where he wants to bury himself in a hole and never come out—there are still some of them, but they’ve become marginally less frequent events, and for that, Goro is grateful. 

He’s doing better now. He’s doing better now thanks to the people around him, thanks to giving himself another chance at life—literally and figuratively. He’s doing better now thanks to a wide variety of circumstances, and he feels lucky. Gifted. 

And more than anything else, Goro feels treasured. 

It’s a strange feeling, coming to life at the age of twenty five. Goro knows that he will never get back the years of his life where he was empty, where he was a mannequin sewn from cadaver skin and blued out organs. He knows this, and for a while, he mourned for himself. He mourned for his younger self. He felt selfish for doing so, but now he knows that it’s all right. 

In a messy sort of sense, it’s like he’s grieving for a part of himself that died. Perhaps that’s a bit of a dramatic analogy, but oftentimes it is exactly what he feels. The Goro from before is still a part of him, but more in a phantom sense than anything else; it haunts him sometimes, keeps him up at night, stuck in his thoughts, wiry and bloodied. 

But that Goro isn’t living. That Goro is dead. That Goro is a ghost. Goro has been cursed by many ghosts, he thinks, so it’s only appropriate that he would curse himself as a ghost, too. 

There is only so much power that a ghost holds. 

Goro just has to remind himself of that. He’s gotten much better at separating who he used to be from the person that he has become today; it’s taken a lot of practice and a lot of self-restraint but he’s getting there,  _ he’s getting there.  _ He’s improving, finally, for real this time. 

And going back to therapy has helped quite a bit. He and Ren struck a deal: if they were to move in with one another, they both had to go back to therapy. Because as much as Goro knew that he himself needed therapy, he could also tell that Ren needed it, too; perhaps just as much as Goro did. 

_ It’s bad for you to shoulder everything yourself,  _ he had told Ren, hands on his hips, trying to sound very assertive. 

Ren gave in and agreed, and they both sat around Goro’s laptop that night and researched therapy places. They go to two different locations, obviously; it would be a little weird if they went to the same place. They tend to be private about their therapy sessions, which is fine. What’s important is that Goro has noticed a change in Ren’s behavior since he started therapy. 

He seems happier. And Goro is glad, because Ren deserves to be happy. 

Anyway—back to the present. Today is Goro’s birthday, and he is currently sitting at the table, and Ren is making—or rather, has made—him breakfast. It’s an omelette over rice, which is something that Goro doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to make. Ren is naturally very good at cooking, and Goro is only a little bit jealous of him. 

Ren sets the plate down in front of him and takes a seat. 

“Happy birthday,” he says, smiling, leaning on his hand as he studies Goro’s facial expression. “I made you breakfast.”

“I can see that.” Goro smiles a little bit, despite the sleepiness still in his eyes. “You woke up before noon for me.”

“Yeah, just this once,” Ren hums, throwing in a wink. “Tell me if you like it.”

Goro is prepared to say something else but forgoes it in favor of eating his breakfast. He takes a bite and feels his face heat up to his ears with how good it is. “I like it,” he says. “You’re very good at cooking.”

“Those days of Yusuke and I creating a cooking schedule for ourselves are paying off well, I guess.”

“I have to apologize once again for not being able to cook,” Goro says, grimacing. 

Ren waves a dismissive hand. “Oh, don’t worry about it, honestly. I like cooking for you. Plus, it all balances out in the end, because you’re the one who always ends up buying groceries and stuff.” He sighs. “I’ve always hated doing that.”

“Well, it’s no skin off my back. There’s something sort of soothing about grocery shopping…” Goro trails off. 

Ren, however, is already raising an eyebrow. “Is there?”

“Hm, no.” A frown. “I just like to convince myself that there is.”

Ren laughs, then, heartily and loudly, and Goro laughs a little bit too before he goes back to eating his breakfast. He and Ren talk amongst themselves, mumbling and grumbling about this and that until eventually Goro finishes his food and stands up to wash the plate. 

“Nooo, let me do it,” Ren sings, plucking the plate out of Goro’s hands. “You’re not allowed to wash dishes on your birthday.”

“Ah, wow. Normally you hate doing the dishes.”

“Normally I hate doing  _ all  _ chores. But today is a very special day, so… I’m making more exceptions to my usual routine.” Ren grins. 

“You’re making me feel very high and mighty,” Goro admits. “More than usual, anyway. This isn’t good for my ego.”

“Your ego has always been big, Goro. It’s one of your most charming features, in my opinion.”

Goro makes a  _ hmph  _ sound and crosses his arms, looking in the other direction. “If you say so.”

Ren laughs a little bit more, and then he finishes washing the plate and sets it aside to dry. He turns back to face Goro and places a gentle hand on the side of his arm, sliding his palm up the smooth skin until it settles around his shoulder. “Aren’t you going to ask what else I have planned for you today? Hmmm?”

Goro splutters rather ungraciously, face turning a royal shade of pink. Even now, as a twenty five year old, the most simplest of touches from Ren still apparently reduce him down to a flustered mess. He can’t seem to help it. “Um,” he manages, “what… do you have planned?”

“Well—I told everyone else that it’s your birthday, obviously, and Ann, Futaba, Yusuke, Ryuji, Sumire and Makoto all told me that they have gifts for you. We don’t have to go and see them today, though, if you’re not up for that. We can meet them tomorrow. Or I can go pick everything up for you.”

“Um—uh.” Goro’s brain is moving at forty thousand miles per second because Ren’s other hand is gliding across Goro’s body and down to his hip. “Let’s—tomorrow. Let’s go tomorrow. I’d like to spend today with you.”

Ren smiles sweetly. “Good! I was hoping that you’d say something like that.”

“So, um.” Pause. “What are… your plans, then?”

“Mmm, nothing  _ too  _ fancy. I thought that first I could give you a bath. That’s a little self indulgent of me, I’ll admit, but I know that you like it too. After that I want to take you to bed, to take nice and good care of you. And after that you should take a long nap, and then when you wake up, we can do whatever you feel like doing for the rest of the day.” He blinks coquettishly. “How does that sound?”

“Ah. Good,” he says, the words falling out of his mouth as if they were clay. His mouth has gone totally dry. He feels like a bit of a fool, standing here like this with his mouth hanging open just slightly as he stares at Ren and ruminates over his  _ plan.  _ “That sounds good.”

“Just tell me if you want to do something else,” Ren replies, and he moves his hands off of Goro’s body and instead holds their palms together, clasping fingers gently. “I want this to be your special day, you know.”

“I suppose I’m just…” He shrugs. “I suppose I’m just not one to be very picky about this sort of thing. Maybe that’s a little surprising, considering the rest of my personality, but…”

Ren tilts his head. “But?”

“But… I’ve never really had someone to celebrate my birthday with so closely before. It’s a little pathetic. In the past few years I’ve had colleagues from my job and classmates from college, but I… they… it was all very surface-level. Do you know what I mean?”

“I understand what you’re saying.”

“It’s like how I’m not very picky about food because it was scarce when I was little, or how I’m not very picky with where I sleep because I’ve slept on hardwood floors before and the like. I’m truly just happy to be spending the day with you, if I may admit such a thing.”

Ren cracks a smile. “You may admit it,” he says, half-mocking Goro’s tone of voice. “Seriously, though, I get it. That makes a lot of sense. I’ll be the one who does all of the heavy lifting today, then, and you can just sit and watch me. You can even boss me around if you want to—I won’t object to it.”

“Yes, I’ve learned the easy way that you don’t mind being pushed around in certain settings,” Goro mumbles, but he’s grinning mischievously despite himself. 

Ren swats him on the arm. “That’s a secret meant for only us!” he exclaims. “You better not tell anybody else. Especially Ryuji. He’ll never let me hear the end of it.”

“Do you really take me as the type of person to divulge such a personal detail that is shared between the two of us?”

“Of course not. I’m just—y’know. Just in case!”

Goro lets go of one of Ren’s hands to pet the side of his face. “You’re so funny.”

And miraculously, Ren goes a little bit red at that. Goro has gotten rather adept at doing that—reducing Ren down to the same flustered state that he so often finds himself in. It’s like a bit of a party trick; all he has to do is say a few magical words or touch Ren’s face in a certain way and he’s lost all of his suaveness. It’s cute. It’s sweet. Goro absolutely loves it.

After a few more moments they stop standing around idly in the kitchen and make way for the bathroom. Ren instructs Goro to sit and wait on the bed while he prepares the bath, and Goro, left with absolutely nothing else to do, does just that.

He hums as he waits, looking through his phone at the myriad of birthday wishes in the group chat he’s been placed back into with all of Ren’s—and now Goro’s, too—friends. 

It seems that some things like to come full circle.

* * *

Ren gives Goro a bath. It was a pretty nice experience—he had set up candles and incense all over the place so it was a little bit smelly, but not to a degree that particularly bothered Goro. Ren’s hands felt nice scrubbing on his back and in his hair, and the whole thing was overwhelmingly intimate to a degree that Goro didn’t even know was possible. 

When he had gotten out of the bath, his brain was slightly woozy with the smells of the incense and steam from the water. Ren carried him, wet towel and everything, back into their little bedroom and laid him out on the comforter before crawling on top of him, wiggling his hips a bit as he sat down against Goro’ bare thighs.

They kissed. They touched. It was a quiet sort of thing, one where they didn’t have to say or ask for anything, because they already knew what had to be said and asked for.

Goro fell asleep almost immediately afterward. He dreamt about being in the clouds. It was nice, gentle. He felt at home.

He feels at home.

* * *

When Goro wakes up, Ren is not in the room with him. 

He sits up in the bed and flattens his hands against the bedsheets, slowly coming to his senses. He feels like he’s been asleep for six or seven years, quite truthfully; it was definitely a much-needed nap. He rubs his face vigorously, trying to knock the sleepiness out of his eye sockets, before he pulls the blankets back and gets out of bed for real.

First: he has to get dressed. They aren’t going to be going outside today, Goro thinks, so he opts to put on some sweatpants and a tshirt, which is essentially the same thing he was wearing earlier only in different colors. Normally he’d scold himself for doing this—for not wearing what he had worn earlier; think of the extra laundry!—but because it is his birthday, he’s decided to make an exception towards himself.

Next: he wants to find Ren.

He slides open their bedroom door and steps into the main area, fully expecting Ren to be there. The strange thing, however, is that he  _ isn’t  _ there. He’s nowhere in sight. The apartment is empty.

Strange.

Goro isn’t really sure what to do so he sits down at the table and pulls out his phone. He re-reads through a bunch of his old messages, checks his work schedule, replies to a few emails, opens up a new chess game, and before he knows it, he has totally lost track of time.

He plays chess for a while. It’s one of his favorite things to do, quite truthfully; and he’s gotten so good at playing that he’s had to turn the AI difficulty up to the highest setting otherwise it isn’t interesting enough. Even with the difficulty set high, though, he most often ends up winning. He’s pretty proud of how good he is at chess. Although it isn’t the most practical talent to have in the whole world, it’s something that he likes to do, and he’s come to realize that this is what is important.

Yes. Being proud of yourself is one of the most important things in life. Whether or not other people approve of your talents and skills and abilities is, for the most part, irrelevant—it only becomes a part of your life if you want it to be. Long gone are the days of Goro doing things to show off to other people—now he does things to show off to  _ himself.  _ Impressing other people is an added bonus.

A lot of things are like this. It reminds Goro of the conversation that he and Ren had outside of that abandoned building a year ago: the one where Ren told him that loving yourself is bigger and better than being loved by other people. It’s true, Goro thinks. In fact, he knows that this is true, because it just makes  _ sense.  _ He cannot believe he’s wasted so much time thinking otherwise.

Goro still doesn’t love himself. He’s still far, far away from ever coming to love himself, because even at this point in time that sounds like an absolutely herculean task. And Ren probably doesn’t love himself just yet either, but he’s getting there. Goro can see it in the way that Ren’s confidence has changed; he carries himself so differently now than he did a year ago, than he did seven years ago. His smile almost always reaches his eyes, and it used to not do that.

It’s been nice, being able to watch Ren grow and change as a person, even within such a short time span. It’s been nice being able to grow and change with him, too. Goro doesn’t know what kind of person he would be today if he hadn’t reunited with Ren at the grocery store. Nothing would have changed—he would have stayed the same. His life would be stagnant. His emotions would be empty. His brain would be scabbed.

Goro isn’t reliant on Ren for happiness, of course, because that would be a dependency much too great for the both of them to handle. Goro has found ways to make his own happiness, and although a lot of those ways involve Ren, it isn’t as if he couldn’t be happy without Ren. No. Rather—it has been the love that Ren has introduced to Goro that taught him how to seek out happiness. It has been Ren’s words and actions that made Goro realize he can find joy in being alive.

Ren himself is just an extra addition to all of that happiness.

It’s good. It’s good that Goro has come so far. He can tell that he’s made progress, which is strange, because he’s been so used to wallowing in his nothingness. He’s been so used to accepting tragedy and misfortune that he’s always felt as if nothing could change. Things had been the same for so long—why would it suddenly be different?   
  
He was wrong, wrong, wrong to think that way. He feels like a fool.

He’s been thinking so hard and long that his chess game skipped his turn, and Goro only becomes aware of the fact when he sees the screen change. He’s about to start planning his next move when suddenly the door swings open and Ren comes inside.

“I’m back!” he shouts, and he’s holding a bunch of grocery bags. “Did you miss me? I tried to be fast but there was an old guy at the checkout who kept trying to find his coupons and it was really annoying.”

“I can imagine,” Goro says, eyeing all of the bags. “What did you buy?”

“A couple things.” Ren sets the bags down on the table and starts taking some of the stuff out. He pulls out two six-packs of beer—of course—as well as two containers of ice cream, as well as three heavily-packed sushi take-out boxes. He also pulls out some apples and oranges and grapefruit and then, finally, he takes out a box of popsicles and sets them down.

“Popsicles,” Goro notes. “Like last year, hm?”

“Yep. Also, I think you were eating sushi last year too, but don’t quote me on that. I didn’t really know what kind of beer you wanted so I just got a pack with a pretty design on it.” He shrugs. “The fruits aren’t necessarily for today, though, they’re just general groceries.”

“I was wondering whether or not you wanted me to eat all of this citrus,” Goro says, smiling smugly. “You didn’t have to buy all of this stuff. I appreciate it.”

“I wanted to do it! I want today to be special. You deserve to have a special day.” Ren bends down a bit to press a warm kiss to the crown of Goro’s head. “I don’t mind going overboard every once in a while. Plus, I’m being a little self indulgent too, since I don’t normally buy so much ice cream.”

“Well, again. I appreciate it.” 

“You better. Anyway—have you thought about what you wanted to do for the rest of the day?”

Oh, whoops. He had totally forgotten to think about that. “Er, not really. I’d like to just do something… lazy, though. Lay around. Watch reality television. Things like that.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Ren says. He checks his phone. “It’s a little too early in the afternoon to start drinking and having dinner, but we can do that later. I know that you literally just said you want to be lazy, but do you want to go on a walk for a while?”

“Hm.” Goro shrugs. “I wouldn’t be opposed to that, actually.”

And so they go on a walk.

It’s a nice walk. There isn’t anything particularly special or interesting that happens, which is fine, because Goro doesn’t necessarily need anything special or interesting to happen. They walk for a few hours—enough for his legs to start feeling sore on the way back to the apartment—and it feels good. Lately Goro has been too busy with work to exercise as much as he would like to, so this is a much-needed walk.

By the time they get back to the apartment, it’s the early evening, which is just early enough to start drinking and eating dinner. Goro takes another shower when he gets back because he’s all sweaty and because it’s his birthday and he can shower as much as he wants to. He tosses on an antique store t-shirt and sweatpants and ties his hair back into a low bun once he’s finished and steps into the bedroom to find Ren laying on the bed with his eyes closed.

“Hey,” Goro says, nudging him gently. “Are you sleeping?”

Ren shifts around a little bit, but he doesn’t open his eyes. “No, just resting. Waking up early really did a number on me, I think.”

“It wasn’t even that early,” Goro replies, rather amused. He supposes that he can’t really fault Ren, though, because anytime before eleven in the morning is early for him. 

“Yeah, I know. I seriously need to start fixing the way that I’m sleeping.”

“I think you can have a little bit more leeway until you’re thirty.”

“Maybe. It just makes me feel irresponsible.” Ren sits up, rubbing his face before looking at Goro. “Do you want to have dinner now? We can watch a movie. Or two, if you’re feeling up to it. Our list of things to watch has gotten pretty long and I want to start combing through it soon.”

“Sure, okay.” Goro holds out a hand for Ren, who takes it and immediately hauls himself up. They trek back into the kitchen and pull a couple of things out from the fridge: their sushi, first of all, as well as one of the packs of beer. Goro also gets them two extremely large sized glasses of water, and then they haul everything back to the bedroom.

Since Ren has moved in, Goro has certainly become a much more carefree person. No longer does he only eat at the kitchen table; when Ren is at work he does this, but most nights he ends up sitting on the bed eating with Ren as they watch videos on Goro’s laptop. It’s a nice sort of pattern that they’ve settled into, one that is constant, which is very much appreciated. Goro loves consistency. He loves when things fall into a nice, rhythmic schedule. 

They make it back into their room and set the food and drinks down on the side table. Goro retrieves his laptop from the storage until under the bed, plugs it into a charger, and tosses it onto the bed, watching it bounce once. He hops onto the sheets and tucks himself underneath of them, waiting a moment while Ren stands around and changes his shirt.

After a minute, Ren joins him too, crawling underneath the blankets and wiggling his hips around as he does so. 

It takes them a few more minutes to get totally settled. Once they’ve picked a movie, Goro presses play and sets his laptop down before taking the food and drinks off of the table. He passes Ren’s meal over to him and then sets his own box of sushi down in front of himself, eyeing it curiously before popping the lid open.

And then they watch the movie.

They don’t talk to each other very much; they simply sit there, snug next to one another, and stare at the screen as they eat and drink. It’s comfortable. It makes Goro feel warm inside. He likes that he and Ren don’t have to do big things together—he likes that they can just lay down and watch a movie in silence. Goro has never had the luxury of experiencing such a thing before, and he thinks that he’s fallen in love with this sort of routine.

It’s relaxing. He feels… normal. He feels like a normal person. Being with Ren makes him feel like he finally has a place where he can fit in, where he can act like himself without having to worry about feeling strange. Ren makes him feel like he fits in and yet he also makes Goro feel so, so special. Ren makes Goro feel like he is a treasure that has been found after having been lost at sea for decades.

Goro loves Ren. He is in love with him. And he hopes that Ren never, ever forgets that.

Because Goro has not felt a lot of love in his life. He has not felt much love towards other people and he has not felt loved himself. It’s been an emotion that has always been lost on him, something that was consistently out of reach. Something unattainable. For so long he had given up on ever trying to feel loved, on ever trying to give love.

But he hasn’t given up anymore. He hasn’t. He can’t.

The whole world is in Goro’s hands now. He is alive after a lifetime of being dead, of being half-conscious, of being suspended by chains and tied to the ceiling. He is alive after escaping death more than once. He is alive and he is glad to be alive, because as he is slowly learning, there is so much to live for. There is more than he could ever imagine.

Goro is not completely happy. Goro does not love himself. But he will keep living in hopes that one day he will find those things. 

And it’s the simple things that have started having the most meaning to him: those late-night conversations with Ann, the times where he goes to the park with Yusuke, the hours he and Futaba spend together playing video games in her tiny bedroom. Goro has more life in his heart than he has ever had before, and he almost doesn’t know what to do with it.

He looks at Ren. 

“Thank you for a nice birthday,” he whispers.

“Of course.” Ren smiles, radiance blooming out of his person. “I’m just glad that you had a good day.”

“I appreciate all your hard work,” Goro says, humming to himself. “You know my habits very well.”   
  
“Yeah, well. I try.” Ren lifts up his can of beer and holds it out to Goro. “Cheers to you.”

Goro lifts up his own can and dinks it against Ren’s. He cannot help the big grin that etches itself onto his face, onto his heart. “Cheers to me.”

Cheers indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! thank you so much for reading this fic, and thank you to those who have followed along the whole time! your comments and kindness mean a lot to me. this fic is very close to my heart, so it makes me happy to see that other people like it as well.
> 
> i'm going to continue writing for persona once i finish some of my other projects! i love shuake, and even though my interests have started shifting, i want to keep creating content of them.
> 
> i care you all very much!
> 
> one last note: i've moved my twitter recently, and you can now find me [here.](https://twitter.com/gentaro_yumeno)
> 
> have a lovely day & thank you again for the support!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for checking this fic out!
> 
> updates & more general p5 posting can be found on my twitter: [right here!](https://twitter.com/bloomedvillain)


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